#and banana fish and jjk were new to me so didn't wanna risk them either

[olivieraa]

its gotten to the point where this word is basically slang since everyone uses it, but it reminds me of ocd as well since everyone uses ocd to describe being quirky or neat or somewhat clean, but "hyperfocused" is a word that's so attached to my being, that it irks me beyond belief when I see people describe their hyperfixation or whatever on something fucking stupid in which they really could just use the word "focused"

hyperfixation is absolutely integral to my ocd. its one of the main things I cant control.

the best way I can put it is someone being lazy and so they decide to procrastinate, do literally anything other than what they're supposed to be doing. and they just cant bring themselves to do the thing. they continuously nope out of it even when they sit their asses down to do the thing and then they're like "ah I need to go to the store for toothpaste!"

I have a fear of hyperfocusing on something bc then that's it. I'm glued to that till I'm finished/its over/its done, whatever it may be. could take days, or weeks, or months.

it has screwed me up in school, in jobs, in college, even just being online.

I used to love watching AMV's when I first entered the internet. just casually watching them. until my brain realised I shouldn't just casually watch them. they should be organised and categorised. and then 3 categories became 8, and then 14, and then I had 20 playlists of AMV's based on things I cant even remember until I one day had to stop watching AMV's altogether bc I turned it into a chore. and I knew then at that point they couldn't be enjoy anymore. I couldnt just put one on for fun. I knew I'd categorise it, and want to go onto the next one, and do it to that too. so I stopped altogether and never went back. this simple fun quick thing I cut off completely.

on tumblr, I casually reblogged everything and anything on this site when If irst came on here until I realised what tumblr actually was and had to start tagging things so that they were organised on my blog. but oh no. I didn't just tag the character, the anime, and the whatever else. it got to the point where a reblogged picture of just Joey had about 18 tags. to make matters worse, I wanted my tags alphabetical, and it was during the time you couldn't rearrange the order of tags. so if I realised I was missing a tag that started with the letter c, I had to delete all the previous tags to put that c word in and then retag again. post after post after post. I got to page 100 on my blog before I panicked that I may have missed something and started again. ...and then I started again. and again. so I stopped tagging. bc I stopped going to school bc I was tagging my blog. that's all I did for days. I didn't do anything else. I was completely focused on the organisation of my blog. and so I had to stop myself from ever tagging again. my '#niece watches' tag doesnt count bc they're there mainly for blocking purposes lmao

another online example, it happened at christmas when I decided to watch attack on titan. I'd made the decision to start again from the beginning (despite having seen season one 4 times) bc my plan was to put on something I could casually watch and pause and do work and then take breaks and go back to watching and it'd be so easy.

nope. I binged 100 eps in 5 days. I went to bed at 5-6am. I couldn't stop. and I'm not even kidding, the best way I can describe it is, lets say you've the most important test of your life in 1 week. and you need to study. and you ASSUME that during your lil break times you can casually watch attack on titan, SPECIFICALLY for chosen break times, maybe once and hour, but studying is priority bc the exam is in ONE WEEK and you haven't started studying. so maybe you'll get through like, idk, maybe 7 eps a day?

episode fucking ONE hooked me in. an ep I've seen so many times. HOOKED me in. like I hadn't seen it before. I was absolutely glued to it. ep 1 ends and I'm like "oh wait I should study............ but like, its fine. I'll do one more ep and then do EXTRA study."

another ep, another ep, another ep. I got to ep 6 and was about to click 7 and was like

to my goddamn brain.

I momentarily won. I managed to do about 20 mins of study, then watched ep 7-14 in a row. still on day one. I opened a book for a total of 20 mins. so I promise myself, bc this test is so important and high priority, that I'll properly start tomorrow.

it never happened. I did nothing other than watch that show and do basic necessities. for 5 days. I had no control over this decision. its like there's another me who always wins. always wins. and she's evil. I had to finish the show before I could move on. it had to be complete.

I dont know how to get out of these moments. I remember when I went to my second ever job I told them about how it screwed me over a little in my first retail job (stocking shelves, oh but didn't those shelves need to be perfect. even if I was supposed to have been on aisle 4 or 5 by the time the managers came back to check in on me, no no I was still on aisle one perfecting aisle one. and nobody was going to ruin it for me, boss or not.)

and they told me it seemed like a good thing in the second job! but I was like "no I cant let it happen here, I cant. it gets bad."

and it happened. they put me in charge of a task and I found it hard to do anything other than perfect that task to the point that I was focusing on doing that same thing every day to keep it perfect, even when I was told to do something else.

so... yeah. they overuse of hyperfixation and hyperfocusing when people just mean "I was focused on this thing" drives me insane

crazy person rant over

#that's why I learned my lesson and watched banana fish #jujutsu kaisen and durarara during time off lmao #I didn't think attack on titan would do it bc I didnt care for the show that much originally #but I damn well knew I couldn't risk it with drrr #and banana fish and jjk were new to me so didn't wanna risk them either