#and also I'm most likely gonna get my period during this coming wk. which is Fantastic /s

[audiovisualrecall]

Laying in bed feeling depressed

#maybe I'm wrong but i think ive been more depressed since i started as floral specialist at work than i had been before. idk. #like my memory doesnt function right so idk for sure- anything older than x but newer than y is like *poof* #but uh i feel like ive been more stressed #well ok actually its been since i started trying to go for supervisor. that was the move that started the increased stress and that led to #floral specialist and now I'm here #struggling with depression. i dont want to go to the botanical garden w ma later but i also dont Not want to #bc the idea of going doesnt fill me w excitement/joy. like theres nothing but depression going 'but youve been there 100 times. nothing new #but the idea of not going does make me Unhappy. bc itll be 5pm and I'll be sitting around doing nothing and regretting not going #and making that bad mood everyone else's problem #but like i want to do all these other things today #i also wish i hadnt broken my bike and then insisted it was not worth fixing bc i would Love to go for a bikeride and I don't have a #working bike to use #I'm stressed abt this wk at work bc mday biggest floral holiday and im anxious its going to be a mess #and also I'm most likely gonna get my period during this coming wk. which is Fantastic /s #my parents have been talking abt maybe as early as next year or a couple years my dad retiring and them moving somewhere warmer #but i meant to be in a better position mentally and like. I'm terms of being able to take care of myself and do things on my own or at all! #I'm not ready and I'll be 30 next feb and I dont feel it. i feel like i did 5 years ago it doesnt feel like 5 yrs have passed at all #well 4 yrs rn #I'm anxious and depressed and i need to learn to drive and make doctors appointments and pay my bills #my dad still gives me my humira shot half the time and i dont entirely trust myself w it on my own without him or someone else around #at least. i can do it but i don't want to have to #i think they dont see how much support i actually need. like everyone thinks I'm low-support-needs autist and thats very clearly not true! #but since i live w my parents no one notices #i need some support. not a ton. but i need someone i can rely on to remember important things. someone i can rely on to help me w my humira #someone who will make meals when i cant. and remind me of when stuff is due. and someone to support me when I'm sick. #and someone to talk to. someone else to feed my pet half of their meals. so i can have a pet at all. #i need someone to interact with who lives w me or is around frequently at least #and its not going to happen #and im just. i either have to follow them wherever they go - which is not a good idea #i refuse to go to certain states bc of fascistic leadership and queerphobic and misogynistic laws