#and I won't have access to most of my art supplies for a couple of months at the very least

[cassowarywary]

[Start ID: 10 photos of a bound book of the I am in Eskew transcripts. Photos 1 through 4 show the casing with and without a dust jacket. The dust jacket is marbled silver and white with the title written on it in black ink, and the casing is black leather with vertical insets of the same silver and white paper, grey book cloth, and red book cloth. Photos 5 through 10 show the inside: the red and black marbled endpapers, the silver and white decoration paper, the title page with an illustration of a bird turning into a city, a translucent vellum page before Chapter Zero: Initiation, the beginning of Chapter 15: Crossroads which displays the red binding, and a closeup of a page from episode 20: Cruelty. /End ID]

I have always had plans to, once I finished the titlecard art pieces, print them with their corresponding transcripts for myself. Then I decided that I wanted to add the lineart pieces. Then I realized that the transcripts were not fully accurate, so I went through and transcribed corrections to match the audio. Then I decided that I wanted to go back and redo a couple of the titlecard pieces, etc, etc. This printed version ended up not including any art-- I don’t have access to a printer which can handle that--but I wanted a physical copy which I could annotate. As a result, this thing is huge. It’s easily twice the size of any book I’ve bound before, and the cut edges are a bit wonky, but I’m still really happy with it. 

#i am in eskew #my art #bookbinding #Part of the reason I prioritized this now even though I am so close to being done with the titlecards #Is because I am moving at the end of the month #and I won't have access to most of my art supplies for a couple of months at the very least #Also because. New city. New region. All alone travelling thousands of miles and living in a new part of the world. #Perfect time to read Eskew #I did do a proof of concept bind of Correspondence with my art in it a couple of months ago. #But I like this much better

[some-pers0n]

Euthanasia

Fandom: TF2

Characters: Medic, Engineer

CW: Major character death

Summary: Ludwig didn't need to worry about death. It was so far away that he couldn't care about feeling the cold embrace of finality. Which was why Dell telling him that he was dying threw him so off guard.

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: I'm sad now.

Right off the bat, this oneshot is inspired by one of @archiarthur's comics (this one) and it has rotted my mind entirely. I saw that they were okay with fanfic being made of their art (or that they'd be flattered about it) and I just...yeah. I'm very awkward and I'm sorry if I did something wrong I– uh... Here!! Old man yaoi!!

Death was a concept that Ludwig didn't care to think about. Despite being surrounded by death from his time as both a doctor and mercenary, the concept was too abstract for his liking. The idea that a being full of memories, thoughts, and general life could be wiped out in an instant was...uncanny to sum up in a single word. He grew used to the concept but never did that underlying sense of dread and existential horror truly disappear. 

He never gave too much credence to the thought of himself dying, at least permanently. He flirted with hell enough. If any of his organs were to start shutting down he'd merely replace them. He was a healthy enough man and had grafted enough souls in him to live more lifetimes than anybody needed to.

Ludwig didn't need to worry about death. It was so far away that he couldn't care about feeling the cold embrace of finality.

Which was why Dell telling him that he was dying threw him so off guard.

"You don't..." he lightly chuckled. "No, no. You're joking again, aren't you? Pulling my leg?"

Dell snickered. "Wish I was. But, I can feel it. Somethin's up. Don't know what. I just know my body's...breaking down. It's time."

"That can't be right. No, I– we did everything right. Got married, settled, been together for decades now... You can't go. Not after everything we've done."

"Life works that way, I guess. Everything's right and nice for a good couple of years before it all starts falling apart." Dell gave a lighthearted shrug.

"You're only in your eighties."

"Ain't that when most people start dying off though?" Dell cracked a smile. "It's sooner or later this was gonna happen."

Ludwig could only stare in disbelief. Part of him clung to the idea that this was some elaborate joke. Perhaps it was his mind slipping away and making him have vivid nightmares. Anything other than to face reality. To continue believing there would be another day he could spend with his love.

But, this was real. This old, aging man before him, his husband, was dying.

He couldn't help but look longingly at him. Only now did it settle in how much he's aged. He was seated in a wooden rocking chair, a patterned blanket covering his legs. He'd ditched the overalls a long while ago, now opting for cozy and warm cotton sweaters. His eyes were cloudy and he was wearing a pair of square glasses. His hair was little more than a couple of grey wisps. His beard was long and silvery. Despite it all, that look of kindness and passion remained within him.

Ludwig couldn't lose that. Not now, not never.

"I could fix whatever issue it is though!" he said. "It won't take too long. I haven't had a proper transplant in a while,  but I'm fairly certain that my skills–"

"That won't be necessary, doc," Dell replied. "I'm fine with dying."

Ludwig paused. "You're what?"

"I'm alright with dying. That's what I said, right?"

"But it's death. You'll be gone. I don't have access to all of my supplies and materials that are needed to revive a man-" He was cut off by Dell's wheezy laughter.

"Still don't get it?" he spoke through the snickers. "I'm good with passing. Forever. Finally being put to rest. No transplants. No resurrection. Just me going to the grave."

Ludwig furrowed his eyebrows. "No, no, no, that isn't right. You aren't supposed to go. Not now. Not ever. You're here, with me. You're always there."

"I mean, someday I'll hafta go, won't I?"

"But that's not– no!" Ludwig stood up. "You don't have to go. I– I can fix this. You aren't going to die. You won't. Don't you dare die on me. Ever." He crouched to Dell's level, resting his hands against his face. A myriad of emotions swirled within him. Denial, sadness, grief, false hope. He didn't even notice when tears began to stream down his face.

Dell sighed, his smile unwavering. "I know it's a lot. I'm sorry. But, it's what's gonna happen. You can try to swap out as many organs as you can. Replace my lungs. My heart. Hell, maybe you'd find some way to swap my brain out and keep me full here. That may delay the inevitable for a couple more years, but, we both know that my time's up."

"But I could–"

"Shh, it's okay." Dell raised his right hand, his Gunslinger, and brushed away some tears. "I'll have to die like everyone else. This machine, me, it'll fall apart and break eventually. You could try and fix it, keep it standing for as long as possible, but sooner or later it's gonna crumble."

He exhaled. "I know we were supposed to be gods together, but even gods have their time of rest." He grinned warmly.

Ludwig quivered. "...klar. If that's the way you want to go, I suppose that's how it'll go."

Dell yawned. "I know you wanna talk. There's a good chance I won't wake up tomorrow, but I can't stand to be up any longer. Sorry... I would if I could."

"Don't feel sorry! I'm happy enough you're able to tell me this now." He hugged Dell, wrapping his arms around him. "Would you like me to carry you to bed?"

"That'd be nice. Thank you, darlin'."

Ludwig scooped him up, supporting his back in one arm and holding up his legs in the other. He did it slowly and with care to not hurt Dell (although one wrong move and Ludwig very well may blow his back out doing this). His body was lighter than normal, yet still warm and comforting.

Ludwig carried him through the house, eventually ending up in their bedroom. He set him down on their king-sized bed, pulling the blankets over. He slipped his glasses off his face, placing them on the nightstand.

"Gettin' the royal treatment for dying now, aren't I?" he joked. "Though, thanks for doing this, doc. You don't need to."

"For you? I'd do anything. The least I can do is bring you to bed, mein Liebling." He took off his collared shirt and put on a plain white one. "Though, I do have one request."

"Fire away."

"May we...cuddle?"

"Is that even a question?" Dell said. "C'mon."

Ludwig slipped under the covers and rested his head against the pillow. He looked at his husband, a quiet sadness washing over him. Without hesitation, he threw his arms around him, bringing him close.

It was the nearest thing to a perfect moment. Dell was soft and snuggly. His skin was scratchy and rough, but beautifully comforting. He relaxed against him. He listened to the gentle thump of his heart. Life. Something that told him that he was still alive. He clung to that heartbeat, never wanting to lift his head.

Quietly, those tears returned once more. Slipped out of his eyes and raced down his face. His breath shook with anxiety and sadness.

Through it all, he felt Dell pat him on the back. "It's okay, darlin'. It's gonna be okay," he said. "I'm here with you."

"I love you..." Ludwig struggled to say. "I love you so, so much."

"I love you too. More than anything else. Don't forget that, alright?"

Ludwig sighed as he nestled himself closer to Dell. He didn't care if he seemed weak. He loved Dell. More than anybody else. Nowhere had he seen another man who cared about him– who understood him like Dell did. He found the only other man who was like him, and he didn't want to let go. Not yet. Not now.

But, the end has to come at some time, doesn't it? Sooner or later the story has to end. Gods move on and retire. Rest. They've worked hard and long for many years. They deserve to lie down and sleep, even if it was hard to say goodbye.

Ludwig didn't know when he finally dozed off, but it was a dreamless sleep. One moment he was silently sobbing into Dell. The next, the sun was peering through the blinds and his birds were chirping away.

He smacked his lips and rubbed his eyes. He turned over to Dell, seeing him laying on his back. He looked peaceful there. His face was relaxed, with the faint remnants of a smile on it. Deep in sleep.

Or, that's what he thought until he noticed that Dell's chest wasn't moving. It was still. In fact, he wasn't breathing at all.

Ludwig's heart dropped. He knew what happened. He didn't want to believe it.

"No, no..." he muttered. He inched closer, grabbing Dell's hand and holding his head. He was cold. Colder than any other body he'd felt before.

"Wake up," he pleaded, "aufwachen, bitte. Please, Dell... Don't leave me."

No response.

He was gone. There was no denying it. Ludwig couldn't begin to think of some excuse to deny this situation any further. No breathing. No sign that he was still kicking around.

He was dead. His true love passed away while he slept.

The tears returned once more with a vengeance. His breath was jagged and strained. Grief consumed him, sinking into his very soul. He couldn't think of anything else. All he could comprehend was one harrowing truth: his husband was dead.

He rested his head against Dell's chest. The absent heartbeat brought no comfort. Dell was dead. He would never see him alive again.

Death is natural, but that doesn't make the loss of the only one you ever loved any better, does it?

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #science party #tf2 medic #tf2 engineer #engiemedic #tf2 fanfiction #somepersonswriting #I'm going to bed now #SP-writing