#also that seems to be the way sarevok sees it and that's the vibe i get from the book/letter durge writes her

[bhalspawn]

im so worried about. roan. i know theyre literally my character but im worried

#feeding my dogs thinking about how they feel after breaking away from bhaal #empty furious lonely devastated ecstatic. afraid numb sheer relief. it goes back and forth #going from relieved to be free to enraged at bhaal for everything to desperately wanting to return to him and then hating themself for it #i think they try to find information about their foster parents. some kind of desperate hope that the memory of killing them is just #a result of their brain being excavated by orin #who i think they cared for! in their way! by the time of the absolute plot there's barely anything left that hasn't been honed by bhaal into #an implement of destruction #but orin is family; her blood is diluted but they still share it. roan sees the way she plays with her bodies as selfishness #also that seems to be the way sarevok sees it and that's the vibe i get from the book/letter durge writes her #which is interesting that she kept it #anyway. roan kills her because they have to but even doing that feels familiar to them. some distant thought in the back of their mind #that says they always knew it would end this way. and some part of them berating orin for not killing them #thinking that this is what they meant; if she had just listened even a little bit she couldve been bhaal's chosen #but she chose personal glory and satisfaction over bhaal and that's why she failed #and i wonder just how much durge changes afterwards. how much of their thoughts still revolve around murder #like. habitually. ofc it obviously varies for everyone but