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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much
anirudhpisharody
·
15 days
Text
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much
#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with
#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown
#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any
#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it
#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely
#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with
#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!
#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes
#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know
#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk
#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that
#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that
#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have
#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i
#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so
#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine
#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine
#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom
#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn
#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed
#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight
#shut up hanna
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