#There's lots of things idk how to draw but I'll start filling the gaps slowly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mthoughts2 · 2 years

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why can I not finish anything?

I recently came across the files for a documentary I'd been making for awhile. it's about my Senior Year of high school during the pandemic; part-vlog part-retrospective part-memoir part-documentary part-diary part-coming-of-age. I started work on it in August 2020, and started editing in June 2021. I finished a very rough draft (but mostly complete) version of the film in early January '22. Showed my parents the draft, took some notes on things to touch up, and then never touched them up. or anything else -- I haven't made any edits to the film since January.

Why?

Why did I not finish it?

Why did I not finish the one thing in my life I said I'd finish?

Should I finish it?

Not only is it a documentary about my senior year, but it's also a memoir of my life up to that point. various points throughout the film revisit nostalgic home videos with my childhood self, and draw parallels between things I grew up doing and things I was doing senior year. it definitely played on the "senioritis" nostalgic and coming-of-age feelings seniors tend to get in high school.

the film is very personal, and reveals things nobody else ever knew about me (not in a bad way). I recorded as much of my senior year as I could (er, as I remembered -- there are some parts of the film where I didn't get as much footage in a particular period as I'd hoped, so it's attempted to fill with motion graphics of explanations (or even bad recreations showing a since-grown Micah trying to act like it was taken during senior year, shhhh) to fill that awkward gap void.)

there's some awkward and uncomfortable moments in it. some parts awkward because im cringey and was a cringeworthy awkward high schooler (note I dont mind sharing that, irdc how ppl take me now) but also some parts awkward because of events and such that have transpired since the film has been edited. for example, the prom sequence -- that girl and I broke up a few days later and we dont talk anymore. another sequence involves me meeting an online friend for the first time ever, something that is only uncomfortable in retrospect because of some heartbreak I've experienced since January, when I last touched the film. (rewatching the film the other day I skipped that part over to avoid going to a weird place mentally)

I debated cutting some parts out, even if it means adding to awkward gaps -- simply either because of timing/unimportance to the overall story and development, or just because of awkward feelings after the fact. there already is some stuff cut out -- and out of order -- so this isn't out of the realm of possibility.

because of all this im not entirely sure id release it to anybody, except for maybe a few close people, family and friends. or anyone who would want to watch it, idk who would want to? it's more a film for myself than anything but if there's an audience for a nearly 90 minute autobiography of a significant year of my life, by all means I'll share it.

there's not really too much to do to finish it, but is it worth it?

an ex of mine once told me that I was slowly "killing myself" over trying to finish this documentary. and she was right -- there were nights I was pulling all-nighters trying to finish some sequences, some grades were affected my first semester of college because I was devoting a lot of time to editing the film, I made dozens of phone calls and wrote many emails trying to clear some song licenses to use in the film for copyright purposes (because I initially planned a public release of the film, for, get this, September 2021), and I'd spend an absurd amount of hours recording and animating segments (not that the latter is necessarily a bad thing -- it just shows I put a lot of attention to detail -- but its still something to consider when you factor in how much I really was metaphorically killing myself over finishing this film.)

what happened to that drive?

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song while writing: Green Eyes - Coldplay

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