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gamerssphere · 5 years

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The last stop before Wrestlemania is here and you can check out what happened during this event below. This is WWE Fastlane.

Kickoff Show

New Day vs SHinsuke Nakamura and Rusev is a match that makes absolutely no sense. We do get to see this match during the kickoff show and it feels to be a match to fill some time on screen.

Interestingly enough, by the time this match takes place, the crowd is already in the arena so it doesn’t feel like a match with no crowd at all. Of course, the WWE feels like this is a worthless match too, because they keep interrupting with backstage videos and conversations.

This match simply reminds me of the good old times when Nakamura was in NXT. I want those times to be back. Please don’t mess with Aleister Black and Ricochet too…Of course, in the end, we see The New Day defeating Rusev. Let’s just keep burying him.

Main Show

SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match

I just can’t get used to a babyface Miz. We need Miz to have his heel-turn sooner rather than later.

This match focused on attacking Shane. The Usos started failing and getting hit all the time, but as soon as they hit one punch, everything changed. We saw them making their great twin-combinations during this match.

At one point, Miz gets a double super kick and Shane saves him, but he remains inside the ring fighting until he gets taken out. At this point the referee paid attention to Shane while Miz hit his finisher and started the count, but the referee took a couple of seconds to start that count.

Will we see The Miz turning on Shane later on?

Right after this, Miz was going to be hit, but Shane saved him with a Coast to Coast against a flying Uso, hitting him mid-air and turning this into an amazing match. Now Miz tries to hit a Frog Splash but the Usos defend against it and pin him.

Of course, in the end Shane turns on Miz attacking him and his father. This is awesome!

SmackDown Women’s Championship Match

Mandy Rose comes with her friend Sonya Deville to the match, but will this be enough to beat Asuka? We certainly don’t think so.

Mandy has come up a lot since moving to the main roster. Her wrestling skill has improved significantly during this time. This doesn’t mean she is ready to take on Asuka. The entire match feels like Asuka just playing cat vs mouse and playing with her food.

Asuka wins after Mandy slips on the mat because of Sonya’s mistake.

WWE Championship Match

We see The New Day asking Vince McMahon to add Kofi to the WWE Championship match. He agrees and sends Kofi Kingston to the match.

At the time Kofi is in the ring, they announce the WWE Championship match will take place later on. Now we have a Handicap Match for Kofi against The Bar.

Handicap Match

How will Kofi do it? This is a handicap against The Bar, both at the same time, not a 1 vs tag, a 1 vs 2. The Bar is brutalizing Kofi. I can’t even understand why Kofi didn’t just tap out early in the match. He won’t be in shape for the title match.

In the end, it was obvious that he wasn’t going to win. But not only did Kofi get destroyed, his friends tried to help him and also got attacked by their opponents from the Kickoff show. The New Day was destroyed.

RAW Tag Team Triple Threat Championship Match

Let’s be clear here. Ricochet and Aleister have two of the best entrances in WWE. On the other side, Chad Gable doesn’t fit in that “Glorious” persona. The Revival is the only real team here.

This match was everything we’d expect from a triple threat tag team match. Dynamic, everyone having their moment. In the end, the champions retained, but got hit by Roode, Aleister and Ricochet. I don’t understand why this happened, because even the music at the end wasn’t Revival’s, it was Aleister’s.

Fatal Four Way US Championship Match

This is a great match. To some extent, we may believe it is an easy one for Samoa; however, the agility and speed of his opponents is going to be key to get that title.

We see a super fast match with everyone going with everything they have. Joe seems to be slower than everyone else, but that’s something we’d expect to happen. Keep an eye on Rey Mysterio. He is, after all, a wrestling legend, and he is ready to prove why.

We see a super hurracarrana being hit to Andrade. Zelina and Carmella get into a fight ringside. In the end, Rey hits a 619 on Samoa Joe, but Joe ends up putting Rey to sleep to retain the belt.

Women’s Tag Team Championship Match

The first title defense for the inaugural champions. They will fight against Nia Jax and Tamina.

Let’s be honest here. I got bored of this event after Kofi’s handicap match. The US Championship match was good, though, but overall, the event has been rather sleep-inducing.

We see Nia and Tamina hitting the champs with everything, and Bayley defending the belts with her life. Tamina was one of the powerhouses from SmackDown; however, I see a really weak version herself now. Easy to take down, easy to get her to miss. Not only is Tamina really bad as compared to her former self, Nia wasn’t even able to stand still when Tamina threw Sasha’s body to her for a Samoan Drop.

Then, it was Tamina’s time. Sasha threw herself from the corner to ringside, Nia was standing and holding her, but Tamina fell to the ground. This is disappointing from the challengers. Bayley ends up pinning Nia Jax to retain and this is the first time in which the challengers actually fight. This is boring!

Now that they are finally fighting, Beth Phoenix gets in there to defend Bayley. She hits Tamina and gets destroyed by the team. Natalya comes in to help but is annihilated as well. This is the birth of a new tag team for the division. Interesting how the most entertaining piece of this match was after it was over.

WWE Championship Part 2

We still have a triple threat match. First one coming to the ring has the best intro music of them: Kevin Owens. We truly missed him these months he was away. Second one is, interestingly enough, the champion, Daniel Bryan. What an awful belt!

The last entry in the match: Mustafa Ali! This is awesome!

The crowd is yelling to get Kofi Kingston. “We want Kofi!”. We do. I’m glad Mustafa Ali is here, though. I hate Daniel Bryan. This “Champion of the World” persona is stupid. Erick Rowan is being masterfully misused here as well.

The match itself is interesting. Kevin Owens brings some spice to the match. Mustafa brings amazing speed and Bryan is the perfect heel. All three of them have their moments in the match, unfortunately, the way Mustafa was introduced made the crowd not like him. People wanted Kofi. This is unfair hate against Ali.

I love how Kevin Owens brought the Stone Cold Stunner back. We see a fighting Ali, an interference by Erick Rowan, and Daniel Bryan retaining. No surprise here, besides Mustafa’s return.

Charlotte Flair vs Becky Lynch

We know how this all came to be. Lana was injured during the Royal Rumble match of her husband. She couldn’t enter the Women’s Royal Rumble and Becky took her place. Becky defeated Charlotte to earn a championship match at Wrestlemania either against Asuka or Ronda Rousey. Becky chose Ronda. She got suspended and the opportunity was handed to Charlotte. Now, Becky must re-earn her Wrestlemania match, but as a third entry there, turning it into a Triple Threat match.

Do you see why this is unfair?

The match starts with so much trash talk that it hurts. It doesn’t look like Becky will be able to win this time. She needs to pin or get Charlotte to tap out, it isn’t as easy as throwing her out of the ring.

Charlotte puts Becky in a half-crab position and for some odd reason, it doesn’t seem as if it hurt that much. You’d expect different signs of suffering when someone is hurting your injured knee. Is this injury real?

We see Charlotte dominating by inflicting damage to Becky’s knee. But when the figure 4 is ready, Ronda Rousey comes in, attacks Becky and gets her to Wrestlemania. Thank you Ronda!

This is the face of someone who accomplished what they wanted.

This isn’t.

Intermediate-ish

Elias plays a song. Lacey Evans appears, Randy Orton RKO’s Elias, AJ Styles hits the Phenomenal Forearm on Randy. The most enjoyable pieces of Fastlane have been outside matches. Interesting.

.@RandyOrton and @AJStylesOrg have appeared from out of nowhere caused MAYHEM at #WWEFastlane! pic.twitter.com/SxjAmenf26

— WWE (@WWE) March 11, 2019

Main Event: One Last Time

The Shield’s last run is here. The crowd went crazy when they came back together to the ring. I wish this match was a tornado tag instead of a normal teams match. Still, this is rather good, and even against their differences, The Shield is working like the first day they were together. Flawlessly.

This wasn’t supposed to be easy. Drew McIntyre was able to stop Seth Rollins, and following him, his team was able to decimate The Shield. We almost saw a defeat for the faces, but Dean Ambrose was able to evade getting counted out and pinned.

We see action everywhere, this is crazy! Ringside we have Dean and Seth against Drew and Bobby Lashley, in the ring we have Roman against Baron Corbin. This is exactly what we were expecting.

The match went out of control and the referee isn’t even counting anything anymore. This is sports entertainment for sure. Seth hit the curb-stomp on one of the announcement tables, roman a spear ringside, then the triple bomb to Drew through the announce table.

In the end, Roman Reigns pins Baron Corbin and The Shield says goodbye with a victory.

This was a good run for The Shield. I know I won’t be the only one missing them as a team. Many people have been hating on Roman Reigns and The Shield for a long time, but tonight, everyone in the arena cheered for them. That’s not a reaction you get for anyone. This was great and we now have to wait and see whenever a new dominating stable appears to feel this way again.

Now on to the “Greatest Stage of them All”, Wrestlemania!

#WWEFastlane 2019: One Step Away from #Wrestlemania The last stop before Wrestlemania is here and you can check out what happened during this event below. 1,955 more words

#Fastlane #RAW #SmackDown #WWE

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grizzlefur · 7 years

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WWEm - Too Much Shit For One Man to Kick

In which Emma’s heart grows three sizes.

Broadcast date: Monday 4/Tuesday 5 September 2017

Now that I've torn myself away from the combination of Destiny 2 and trying to fix my phone, it's time for MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!: The Nacreous Gem Around The Intrusive Sand Of Roman Reigns Trying To Cut A Promo

trialling a new slogan

daniel's uncle's idea

apparently owning the building means you can give production advice

price of free offices, i guess

anyway, i'm like 70% sure he doesn't read these, so i can say whatever

but yes, the actual show

the bright orange blur in this tumbnail suggests we may be hearing from one mr cena

straight in on a recap video of the contract signing from last week

only presumably without cena kicking a hole in the fourth wall like the fucking shockmaster

also they've edited it to remove roman forgetting how to english

some damn good promos, though

i'm just loving all the shots of kurt in the background gawking like oh god what have i wrought

oh, apparently this is labour day

you'll pardon me for not exactly giving a shit

and we're in omaha

and here's the cena himself

here to cene all over us

oh, apparently we're just kicking straight into a match

and booker's back

i never thought i'd be glad to hear that slurred bullshit

and here comes jason jordan and his dodgy synth music

here to fight cena for unspecified reasons

oh, so we can play the clip of cena debuting against kurt 15 years ago

back when he was ruthlessly aggressive

who doesn't love cross-generational parallels

omaha is super behind cena, possibly for his music containing actual instruments and vocal tracks recorded at the same time

jason goes straight into the amateur mat game, which is not exactly cena's forte

lots of lingering hugs

i think booker just managed to get jason and cena mixed up, but let's be real, i wasn't listening

my mind just levels out everything booker says into a kind of mealy blur

but hey, that's better than the unignorable shittiness of the jerry

(my favourite kundera book)

cena gets a comeback phase, including whipping jason so hard he also faceplanted himself into the mat

that seems poorly thought out

tries to deploy his five moves, jason manages to counter out my backflipping out of a suplex and dropkicking him

fuck you, cruiserweight division

jason takes a five knuckle shuffle, then counters an aa into an indescribably weird rollup

takes an stf for ages, then reverses into a crossface/chinlock thing

cena says fuck you, i'm john cena, stands up out of it and goes for another aa

jj counters out into a beautiful rolling double nothern lights suplex

straps come down, jj unleashes his true power level

and immediately eats an aa for the pin

way to disprove roman's argument that cena buries young talent

oh hye, speaking of

-slips into pre-emptive coma-

and he's got a mic

fantastic

roman's like why the fuck did that take you 20 minutes that guy's been on the show for like a month

roman really needs to work out what point he's making

so yeah, argument today is that cena's not as great as he thinks he is

and is a lion

fake-ass little bitch

"Roman, I'd say I'm happy to see you, but...I'm disgusted by your whole face."

cena is all out of shits to give

like stop trying to use your brain, it's not your thing

cena immediately addresses roman's inconsistent point

and that his fly is open

which roman turns into lol cos i'm the big dog

men

and cena counters with a balls joke, and roman with a gay joke

fuck's sake, guys

there's a bar, at least make a cursory effort to get over it

cena takes it to roman for having everything handed to him, like damn dude i fucking hate the miz but at least he works for his shots

this is all true

cena's mostly just exasperated

like damn dude, get a clue

so roman's like hey if you want to beat me up let's do that

roman, stop being smug

or just, yknow, go away

cena does not beat him up, so roman's like hey fuck you dude and walks off

that worked, i guess

but later, we apparently have braun/show in a cage

so we can play the gif of those two crushing the ring

also later jeff hardy has an ic title match

but now, enjoy this advert for total bellas

or don't, very much up to you

but now, here come the not-shield

entering to dean's intro

they're gonna be on announce for slater and rhyno vs the kkb

seth and dean should totally rebrand as the sword

god, i love that they've managed to get a dragon ball reference into their entrance

dean's like welp, that's a great entrance,can't take that away from them

confirmation that we've got their title rematch at no mercy

dean goes off on a tangent about jurassic park and getting your face eaten by velociraptors

seth starts giggling

send for the man

corey asks if seth and dean are getting on as a team, dean's like eh, i've had five years to punch this guy in the face, i'm kind of over it by now

back in the ring, heath slater is getting the fuck kicked out of him

but then, that's what he does

inevitable hot tag so rhyno can get some offence in

and then eat a brogue for the pin

dean starts talking smack on the bar, then he's like well we're the bar now hey we should steal their name

dean talks like he fights

cesaro and sheamus do their fusion dance in the ring, and i'm like 90% sure their fusion would be goro from mortal kombat

although more the plasticine fantasticine version from the film, tbh

that's science right there

toasty

cut back to the announce team, where seth and dean have evaporated

and they talk to book about the hurricane

briefly

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

matt breaks in with a semi-broken accent

crowd goes mental

and jeff's like yuuuup gonna win this or get myself killed with the FIRE THAT BURNS WITHIN ME

man can preach

so that's next, i think?

after this ad for randy/shinsuke on smackdown

insert comment about what competition means

and here comes the match

starting with the hardyz

jeff's wearing a connor's cure tabard over all his other clothes, and seriously, i think the man has a problem

it also makes it very hard for him to rock out to their music

cole makes a reference to them wanting to delete paediatric cancer

well played

and enter the miztourage

maryse has a new vest/pvc leggings/sparkly knee boots combo, and as ever, i want it

also perilously close to real human clothes

apparently it's just over 10 years since jeff had the ic belt

bell rings, jeff goes straight for a rollup because fuck wrestling

miz cowers against the ropes like please mr hardy don't beat me

and uses it to throw jeff out to his cronies

a scheme

who would have thought

back in the ring, jeff just punches the hell out of miz's oh-so-punchable face

whisper in the wind for a nearfall

it's taken this long for jeff to jump off something, he must be taking it seriously

sets up for a swanton, bo distracts the ref so curtis can pull jeff off the turnbuckle

sparks a brawl outside the ring, ref is just like fuck this noise all three of you can fuck off

matt is deeply offended like how could you do this to me i was defending my brother's honour

miz counters out of jeff's crotch leg drop, which is good to see, because it is such a trivially easy move to counter

this match is actually p good

it's been like 60% reversals

maryse is still at ringside, which can't possibly be foreshadowing anything

ooh, she's gone with acid-green nails as well

maryse is just my style icon

(as if you didn't know)

miz pulls jeff off the apron, then collapses against the barricade in fornt of a small child in a cena shirt who's like um what

miz gets a figure four one, jeff just goes to counter by punching miz in the face

makes sense when you think about it

eventually gets to the ropes

then hits miz with a stunner, nearfall when miz gets the rope

live by the rope break...

miz crawls out of the ring while the ref shouts at jeff, then immediately eats a baseball slide

and then poetry in motion off the steps

kind of feeling sorry for miz atm

he's bumping like a demon

maryse pulls her husband out fo the way of a swanton, leaving jeff to fuck himself upon the mat

goes for a twist of fate, miz counters into a finale for the pin

damn good match, solid finish

but now, women do things

or so i am assuming by this recap package of banks/bliss

oh yeahb, and nia's inevitable betrayal

announcement: sasha has her rematch at no mercy

and now nia accosts kurt backstage

she's not impressed that she doesn't get a title shot

and emma interrupts to talk about her twitter analytics

she also wants a title shot

nia's just like fuck off or i will actually break you

kurt holds them apart, and hatches a plan

nia/emma v sasha/alexa tonight

if the undercarders win, he'll make the title match a four-way

foreboding shot of the cage, insistent mentions of the ring being reinforced

and have some more recap videos of brig showman fucking the ring

never noticed how hard the ref bumps to the outside when it happens

caught it now, of course, because they've replayed the clip from SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN FUCKING ANGLES

but now it's time for cruiserweights to not get an intro

dar, nese and gulak already in the ring

and cedric and gran metalik get to enter with enzo, because seriously, nobody's getting a fucking intro

except enzo, who's brought a mic as usual

enzo tries to spin cheating to win matches as some kind of god-given right because it gets you wins

babyface?

despreately hypes 205 like please watch my show

he introduces cedric and metalik in the shittiest way possible

i spoke too soon, his smacktalk introductions for the other three are even worse

match kicks off with cedric/tony doing the cruiserweightiest wrestling ever

and enzo tags himself in to ruin everything

drew tags in to kick a non-trivial amount of shit out of enzo

not all of it, of course

the man contains too much shit for one man to kick

the heel team start doing rolling tags to take turns fucking up enzo's shit

and then they all just cruiserweight over everything and i can no longer narrate

stereo topes from cedric and metalik, during which enzo tags himself in because he's a twat

and then sticks a thumb in drew's eye to get his stupidly-named finish for the pin

the alleged faces celebrate as drew's outside with his friends like aaaaaaaaaaa i am blind

end segment

and now alexa collars sasha in the locker room to bitch about their opponents tonight

alexa has a cancer shirt too because she's a face by default tonight

this conversation quickly turns into a huge row

that match'll go well

up next, finn bálor wears a shirt

boo

and an advert for the myc, which continues to be great

and here comes everyone's favourite irish possible serial killer

-does the arms-

goes 'this is bálor club' like he's introducing his new talk show

waxes lyrical on his previous titles and how bray wyatt's a dick

finn has chosen his fate

or possibly faith?

this just in, he has an irish accent

calls bray out, immediate wyatt cut

and now we're in the void with bray

talking about learning to hunt as a kid

and the day he decided to stop using a bow and just kill things with his bare hands

i think we could have all filled in that backstory, tbh

taunts finn for only being able to beat him using the demon as his weapon, rather than doing it with his own power and will

and obliquely challenges him for no mercy

finn starts shouting back at him, which is a rarity for these segments

bray calls finn a rabbit, wyatt cut, end thing

so yeah, bray v human!finn for no mercy, presumably

oh hey, more ads for smackdown and total bellas

and now it's women's tag time

cole claims total bellas stars alexa bliss, corey's like um dude that's just a lie

she is here though

this much is true

oh my god i had forgotten how fucking angry i was about emma's new music

although that said, i think it's changed again

it's still not as good as her proper music, but better than last week

cfo$ are clearly going through a weird phase atm

corey is critiquing emma's hashtag efficiency

someone had to

the basic theme if this match thus far is 'tagging yourself in for giggles'

my inner bitch is loving the reluctant passive-aggressive teamwork in this match

(also my outer bitch)

(aka me)

as the smaller woman in the team, emma is performing her proper function of getting fucked on relentlessly

this rule does not apply to alexa, because her rage gives her virtual height

she's like one of those tiny dogs that will FUCKING HAVE YOU

emma finally gets a tag to nia, alexa gets a chance to vent at her

and get creamed

eats a big-ass samoan drop, sasha breaks up the pin after a moment of internal conflict

gets the tag, shining wizard for a nearfall

emma blind tags, nia leg drops sasha, emma gets the pin

i'll be honest, i was not expecting that

four-way should be good, though

emma celebrates extravagantly in the middle of the ring, nia's like um

and samoan drops her

nia will also fucking have you

back to the ambiguous backstage room, where renee has acquired a braun

asks what he's thinking before his first cage match

he's like really what the fuck was kurt thinking, this match might hurt me before my title match at no mercy but will definitely hurt company property

the man does a surprisingly good promo

but up next, seth and dean are back

their walk backstage is briefly interrupted by elias thrashing out a new song

long beat as they just kind of stand there like what's up with this guy, then shrug and carry on, dean playing along on the air

but next, they fight the good brothers

after these ads for every show we make

back from ads, sheamus and cesaro are in the ring arguing with gallows and anderson for some reason

who am i kidding, you don't need a reason to bitch on those guys

seth and dean still using dean's intro

like, if you're going to just use one, seth's is way better

BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

ref eventually manages to usher the kkb out of the ring, match can commence

sheamus and cesaro seem to have settled on just sarcastically applauding from ringside

someone needs to get them popcorn

this match is a little formulaic, but damn do i love how in sync seth and dean still are as a team

seth/dean v jordan/gable v gargano/ciampa v dawson/wilder

give them a whole show, best tag match possible

as opposed to this particular long-ass superplex setup that didn't even work

dean counters a chokeslam into a dropkick, which is p cool

seth gets the hot tag, commences to jump off every goddamn rope before braun and show fuck them up

dean tries to join in, does a shitty suicide dive

seth hits a lovely top-rope frankensteiner on anderson, the kkb try to interfere, seth gets the pin anyway because they're just that good

and then the good brothers take sheamus and cesaro out while they're distracted

they take a long moment to consider their options, then go back to the ring to fuck up anderson and gallows

and now here's the connor's cure video basically the same as last year, because history and cancer haven't changed much

and they've got the wwe makeup department in to give kids superstar redesigns

that's kind of sweet

and steph giving them all hype ring announcements is cute

dammit, i've fallen for a cute ill kids advert

and they brought alexa, miz, and finn

which seems like a super weird collection

to inspire these kids with cancer, we've brought our resident bitch, a self-important asshole, and a guy who draws power from being possessed by a demon

perfect sense

but up next, main event time

but first, cruiserweight recap vt?

because now we see enzo and his mates in the locker room being annoying

cue sarcastic clapping from neville

and news that those three have all qualified for a five-way elimination match for a title shot at no mercy

neville sows dissesnsion with a few ominous geordie words

closeups of techs reinforcing the ring

and now charly interviews the ref from the ring explosion match, of all people

oh, apparently the ring's double reinforced

not just reinforced

fancy

he's like welp this match is gonna be carnage i'm just going to focus on dodging

and now renee gives big show a hype chat

gah, i'd forgotten his new hairlessness

come on show, give us a YOUUUUU DID THISSSSS TOOO MEEEEEEEEEE

Shockingly, Giant Baby Show says Braun ain’t shit

the dramatic climax of the promo is just show telling us his own nickname

you know how i said braun could promo surprisingly well?

well...not that

seriously guys, how many ads do we need for total bellas?

it's back

we know

ad for 205, in which we learn that the other two slots in the 5-way are kendrick and nese, for no adequately established reason

wait, has anyone seen kurt and show at the same time?

feels like we might have a dr angle and mr show thing going on

corey just referred to braun as "the steam-breathing monster"

i have no clue what to say to that

is he coal-powered?

bell rings, braun kicks show in the face

and starts bodychecking him into the cage

weirdly, it goes wrong on the fourth one

show counters with a magic fist, doesn't climb the cage for some reason, cut to ads

cut back and nothing at all has happened

ecept show is now taking his turn to throw his opponent into the cage walls

show starts climbing, braun follows

weird scale going on, since they can both stand on the top rope and touch the top of the cage

show gets crotched really hard

guys, stop doing that spot

it is not good for you

show sets up on the top rope, everyone goes wtf

and does an elbow drop for the first time in like two decades

doesn't connect properly, but still a good moment

goes for the pin, braun kicks out at two because fuck you i'm braun strowman

show crawls for the door, braun walks over, grabs it, and hits show in the face with it

then braun tries to walk over show to get the door himself, and show does eexactly the same thing back to him

see, that was just dumb

braun kind of wanders into a chokeslam, then counters into a ddt for a nearfall

few spots later, show manages to land the chokeslam, braun kicks out because see the above re: fuck you

show goes for a magic fist, braun counters into a powerslam, show counters out and throws braun into the wall

show goes for the climb, followed by braun

gets his chest over the top before braun drags him back down because NOT FINISHED WITH YOU

i have never seen big show on the top rope this much before

braun gets a superplex in, the double reinforcement does its job

still a hell of a crash

and running powerslam for the pin

okay, i'm not usually one for large man punch fights, but that was actually really good

braun looms ominously over his fallen foe, then somehow acquires a mic

calls out brock to see big show's corpse as an object lesson

long ominous beat, then tells big show it's time to go to pasture, picks him up, and powerslams him through one wall of the cage

crowd goes wild

next time they should maybe think about also double reinforcing the cage

show lies on the broken cage wall going aaaa i'm dying, braun stalks off and roars, end show

in all senses

right, well, i've got some bad news

the horizontal line's off in Marbella this week, so we're gonna have to roll straight on

-checks the list of test slogans again-

MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!: Takes Hotter Than Your Dad.

i swear, the things i do so we can have somewhere to record this show that's only occasionally filled with vengeful woodland animals

so yes, the raccoon incident aside, let's watch mackdown

or indeed smackdown

mackdown is the wrestling dating sim i am now going to have to make

opening on a weirdly-saturated recap package of the orton/nakamura situation

the worst holmes story

and yes, the best thing about smackdown today

i'd had it spoiled, but still

JBL IS FUCKING GONE

he's off to do charity work, so we get the double whammy of disadvantaged kids getting support and me not having to listen to his voice

and they've replaced him with corey, making pretty much the ideal announce panel

Tom: "Did you miss me, Graves?" Corey: "Yes!" Tom: "I...am surprised!"

i live for these two talking shit

so yes, orton/nakamura tonight for a title shot at hiac

and here's randy, standing in three-quarter profile in a dimly lit corridor

yknow, like people do

and giving a speech about how he' gonna fuck shinsuke up

cut to shinsuke shadow boxing in the locker room

tells us about how he's gonna fuck randy up, i mostly get distracted by his left shoulder, which i hadn't noticed before

it's kind of fucked

i'm guessing that's a dislocation that healed weird

cut to the ring, and ellsworth announces his bae

only to be interrupted by...kevin?

he's decided he's going to be guest referee for carmella's match with nattie

begins trying to intimidate the ref into taking his shirt off

here's shane

who may have opinions on this fuckery

takes a moment for a cheap pop before getting into professional mode

he's just like kevin

dude

sort your shit out

long tense faceoff

shane's like maybe take responsibility for all these failures which are in all ways your fault

kevin's like fuck you i don't even want to be on this show

shane's like well yeah, cos this isn't the bullshit show where we just give people belts

kevin calls shane out on him needlessly inserting himself into eveything on the show

mentions his dad, gets an ooooooh, mentions his kids, shane immediately gets in his face like fuck you

kevin spins the helicopter crash into this, says his family would all be better off if he'd died there

mentions his kids again, shane explodes on him

well, he did warn him

trips getting out of the ring, killing the moment a bit

throws kevin over the announce table and just absolutely goes to town on him

security pull them apart, bryan turns up to be like the fuck are you doing dude that's an employee

and give the most disapproving dad look you've ever seen

and...cut to an ad for total bellas

way to maintain the mood, guys

and recaps of what happened thirty seconds ago

in which they've edited out shane tripping

backstage, kevin staggers through the room supported by three officials

bryan comes out to apologise

kevin promises to sue shane, wwe, and the entire mcmahon family

bryan's like wow, that seems wildly disproportionate

kevin's like fine, i'll go press assault charges insteads

cut back to announce, corey and byron are both like well he totally deserved that

but yes, now we actually have that carmella/nattie match

recap from last week reminds me precisely how fucking awful carmella's singlet was

thankfully, she's back to normal gear today

provided you count bright orange leggings with leopard-print piping as normal

announce team start spinning next week's 'Sin City Smackdown'

carmella gets her face punched off, retreats to her ellsworth

pan out to naomi watching the match with a look of deep concentration as carmella does a long-ass guillotine choke

nattie powerslams her out, gets a comeback

carmella superkicks nattie, gets a nearfall, ellsworth gives the ref the briefcase

carmella's like wtf no i'm not cashing in give my that back, throws it at ellsworth, and gets rolled up for the pin

ellsworth comes back into the ring to apologise profusely

carmella starts being all magnanimous, then opens up on him

including using the same line twice

calls him a 'genetic defect'

and asks how he's still employed at wwe

really, the question we were all asking

"You are a charity case, and your mother should have given you away at birth!"

wow

harsh

and officially dumps him

takes her case, struts off

leaving james in the ring and the depths of despair

backstage, here's shane looking conflicted

up next, dolph ziggler re-debuts

i have no clue how this is going to go

expect everything

after these ads for the myc and no mercy

and tom giving us a talk about paediatric cancer

roll the video again

refer to my comments above

well, that gave me plenty of time to curate my itunes library

fringe benefits

and here's the dolph

looking...exactly the same

he's got a mic

presumably to tell the fans to go fuck themselves

yup

railing at the fans for not appreciating the greatest performer in the company

and they'd prefer some dumb gimmick

lights go back down, and here he is again

doing cena's entrance

all credit to the crowd for the DOLPH ZIGGLER SUUUUUUUCKS singalong

dolph's like hey, did that not work? i'll try another

lights go down again, and now he's...who had land of hope and glory?

-research break-

yeah, thought it was him

dude, if you're gonna do a macho man entrance, you could at least have the shades

gives up on it, shouts at the crows for not doing the usual nostalgia pop

sends his valet away

and now he promises to have exactly what the crowd want and deserve

and...now he's naomi

the fuck is this

does the knee slide, then gives up

all gimmicks are defeated by ennui

and now he's back to railing against the idea of gimmicks, because anyone can do them

says he, after clearly showing that not everyone can dance like naomi

tells the fans they make him sick, stomps off backstage

so that happened?

up next, sami zayn v aiden english

because this is 2014 nxt, apparently

aiden gets about one line into his aria before sami's music interrupts him

oh yeah, this is the rematch from last week when kevin fucked on everything

and aiden gets a rollup out of nowhere

that lasted about 90 seconds

the bookers have some sort of problem with sami

and aiden's got his mic back

so he can give us some more singing

swiftly tailing off as sami chases him out of the room

let's have yet another recap of shane brutalising an employee

pan out to bryan rewatching it

only to get interrupted by the new day

here to lift his spirits

oh, and here are the usos

to do the opposite

announcing the stipulation for next week

street fight

which seems ill-advised when you're fighting a team of three

bryan gets a call, ushers the new day out

someone bryan calls 'sir' (so vince) wants him to do something in the ring

i know what, because i have a dreadful habit of going on twitter and getting spoilers, but i'll maintain the mystery for now

bryan disagrees, is shut down

and he's going to do............IT right now

(couldn't resist)

and here he is in the arena

gets in the ring, calls shane to come too

he doesn't

finally, here he comes

with nary a HERE COME THE MONEYYYYYYY

not sure i've ever seen either of these this sombre

bryan's like remember last year when the miz was pushing me every week and i made the bold choice to NOT FUCKING ATTACK HIM?

bottom line, you can't assault our employees

fair policy

shane's like yeah sorry but when people talk about my family i go crazy

bryan's just i don't give a single shit you've endangered this entire show because we both know kevin's a vindictive bastard who'll take us for everything

shane offers to go and reconcile with kevin

bryan's like no, i talked to your dad, you're suspended indefinitely

and leaves

shane's left in the ring like welp

why would you leave him there if he was suspended?

eh, wrestling logic

many crowd chants later, shane slumps off

gets a lot of thank you chants for a man who's just been suspended for attacking an employee

and now renee is in the blue curtain room to interview jinder

in an ugly-ass houndstooth suit

asks which guy he'd rather fight, he doesn't give a shit

claims he represents asia better than shinsuke ever could, despite shinsuke actually being from fucking asia

does the promo again in punjabi to speak to 3% of the great nation of india

back in the arena, aj's on announce

to talk about paediatric cancer

(i feel like i'll be writing that phrase a lot in the next few weeks)

and here's baron

sidebar fact: "Won the Money In The Bank ladder match earlier this year"

guys, maybe stop reminding people of that

recap vt of styles/dillinger last week

and of baron being a tool

i feel like i might need to specify that more

and here's tye

and they haven't synced his music with his new tron, so the sexy number voice says 10 when the video's on about 6

kind of love the KO'S A BITCH sign in the crowd

works on many levels

baron slides out of the ring to face off with aj, so tye just jumps out and fucks him up against the barricade

solid advice: maybe keep an eye on the other guy in the match

cut to ads, come back to a really slick spot of baron lariating tye's head off

tye tries to set up for the tye breaker, is thwarted by his opponent being large and heavy

and baron continues to stop having the match he's actually having so he can shout at aj

and i love the complete lack of shit aj gives

baron scores a cheap shot to tye's throat, angering aj, and end of days for the pin

actually a pretty good match

you forget that tye's got a lot of skill in the ring

aj is shocked at baron's lack of honour

because he doesn't watch the show, i guess

up next, "a special look at bobby roode"

ok, whoever edited it to go directly from saying that to a total bellas advert needs firing

backstage, aj congratulates tye on his fight and says next week, the us open challenge will only be open to him

dude

that's not an open challenge

that's just a challenge

and now for a bobby roode video package

enhanced by corey being on this show now so he can run hype for him

and now we're backstage with ellsworth pleading for carmella to forgive him

and being like yes i'm subhuman and i don't deserve anything please take me back

this is not healthy

carmella says from now on, they're doing things her way

gives him a huge kiss, then slaps his face off

flounces off, leaving ellsworth to be like the actual fuck is my life

but now we have a main event

here comes the very finest in flailing japanese men

and adverts for all our other shows

and also a fucking snaaaaaaake

loving the contrast of entrances

incredibly theatrical alien dance vs walking slowly down the ramp

cut over to jinder and the singhs in his skybox

tom mispronounces kinshasa even before the bell rings

this is why we got corey on here

whoever you are trying to get your MAGA sign to constantly show up on hardcam, kindly fuck off

randy does a massive hotshot, aided by shinsuke being an extremely floppy man when he wants to be

randy goes for his draping ddt out to the floor, shinsuke reverse out because that would be dangerous as fuck if he hit it

throws shinsuke into the announce desk, corey's like this is the worst first day ever

shinsuke just decides to get a comeback spot like oh hey maybe i should just kick him in the face a bunch

superplex to shinsuke, and the setup only took a small percentage of my life this time

lovely spot as shinsuke's reeling on his knees then just leans back into doing his cmoooooooon

goes for a kinshasa, randy counters into a snap powerslam

into a draping ddt, because you know randy's spots

strikes up the snake, which is still weird when your whole thing is hitting it out of nowhere

goes for an rko, shinsuke counters into an armbar then transitions to a triangle

that was fucking lovely

randy powers out, shinsuke counters an rko into a backstabber

see, this is how you preserve finishers

and kinshasa for the pin

oh, sorry corey

KINSHAAAAAASSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAA

(totally why corey's here)

well thank fuck for that, i'm not sure i could have taken another orton/mahal rematch without taking up amateur tattooing or something

backstage, bryan tells kevin they're done

kevin's like fuck that, imma run the show next week

and bryan drops the bomb that vince'll be there next week to sort shit out

great

ah well

and brief cut back to shinsuke partying so we have something to end on

and thus we finish the week's shows

by which i do of course mean last week's shows

one day i'll actually get my shit together and be punctuahahahahaaaa sorry i couldn't get through that

[Don’t forget to follow Emma on Twitter, where she’s @Waruce]

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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jwgammuto · 5 years

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Fantasy Booking for WrestleMania 35.

It’s time! It’s time! No it’s not Vader time, sadly. It’s time for a very special edition of One Chance In Hell, my fantasy booking for the Showcase of the Immortals. Unlike the WWE, I will apologize in advance for how brutally long this is likely to be but I’m all about consistency and I enjoy sharing my booking brilliance that will never happen with my fellow wrestling fans. Here we go!

The Women’s Battle Royal: In a true fantasy this match doesn’t exist. Not because these women don’t deserve a spot on the card, but because this is a cheap way to get everyone on the roster some face time and a pay day on the biggest show of the year. Winning it hasn’t meant anything so far and I don’t expect that to change in 2019. Since we are going to be subjected to this, I offer this solution. All 15 or so of these women start in the ring and it’s a cluster from the start. About 2-5 minutes in, a late entrant, Lacey Evans. She comes out and everyone at Met Life just assumes she’s going to cat walk around and leave without doing or saying anything. She struts about the ring, allowing a few of the women to be eliminated and looks at them with her patented disgust. Finally, when it’s down to a final elimination spot, between Asuka and whomever, she enters the ring, dumps them over the rope, and stands tall. No matter what the company plans to do following WM, whether ending brand split, draft, etc. Evans, finally, appears to be a player in a women’s division that needs a serious reboot following this Charlotte/Ronda/Becky obsessed last six months.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Argh. As if one of these isn’t enough but we will persevere. It appears obvious that Braun will pointlessly win this after hopefully severing the spines of Jost and Che so WWE never dares put celebrities in this event again. I have a different idea though. Since there is no rub for winning this damn thing, why not have the most entertainingly hilarious person win it and that, my friends, is Otis Dozovic. It doesn’t really matter to me how this has to happen, but logically Heavy Machinery hang in for a while and after Tucker gets eliminated, Otis rages and cleans the ring. This would probably require Braun to go out with the classic “everybody in the ring gang up” bit, but I’m ok with that. Otis carrying around that trophy and worshipping it for a couple months would be absolutely hilarious. I don’t see any other way to make this matter.

Buddy Murphy vs Tony Neiss’ abs for the Cruiserweight Title: Welcome to my first true pipe dream. This match will probably be good but not quite to the level that previous Murphy PPV matches have been because Tony Neiss. However, after Murphy disposes of Mr Abs, because he must, and an exhausted Murphy is collecting his belt, he is viciously attacked from behind by....Johnny Gargano. 205 Live lacks star power and a true test for Murphy these days outside of Cedric Alexander and that’s been done. Johnny TakeOver gives us our true first shock of the night and gives the crowd what will be a much needed energy spike for the next 6 hours to come. This of course would be predicated on Johnny losing to Cole tomorrow night. But how great would this be?

The USOs vs BlackOChet vs BulgarianKnee2Face vs Da Barrrrr for the Smackdown Tag Titles: It seems terribly likely that Ricochet and Black finally get their statement win here. I feel like it could be better. No one wants to see Da Barrrr win the titles for a seventh time and NakaRusev makes zero sense so for arguments sake, let’s say they can’t win. The end of what could be a great match will come with the USOs and BlackOChet in a melee with the other two teams distracted or down. Amidst the confusion, Black goes to hit Jimmy with Black Mass at the same Ricochet looks to do something insane from the ropes. Jimmy moves and Black destroys Ricochet, mid air, in what may end up being the spot of the night, by accident. Jey superkicks a distraught Black out of the ring and Jimmy pins an unconscious Ricochet to retain. Black and Ricochet have laid the foundation for an amazing feud built directly into Backlash. Everyone is happy.

AJ Styles vs Randy Orton: This one feels pretty easy to me and it obviously has the potential to either be an amazing match or a snooze fest of restholds. Ideally, I’d love to see some real action that ends abruptly with an RKO outta nowhere in an insane spot. Then Orton proceeds to destroy Styles further, picks up the mic, and launches into a tirade about how he is declaring war on all the “indie darlings” invading his house. Much like the legend killer bit he did early in his career, this could make him interesting for the foreseeable future.

Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre: Seems obvious that the guy who beat cancer gets to have a Wrestlemania moment right? Wrong. McIntyre winning is the only play here as far as I can see, particularly if the plan is to make Seth Rollins the champion later that night. Now, I’m not sure thats going to happen but let’s just assume it for now. These two guys should be able to put on a decent match with some pretty viscous hard hitting stuff. Roman hasn’t wrestled much since his return and is likely a bit rusty, even for him. This gives an opportunity for Drew to really shine here and just wear down Reigns and brutalize him while thwarting every effort to Oooaahh Up or throw ridiculous flying punches. McIntyre should be booked very strong here and should be the unquestionable winner. We won’t kid ourselves and assume Reigns isn’t going to get into this title picture sooner than later but this plants potential seeds for a big match later in the year where Roman will get his nauseating revenge.

Miz vs Shane O. Falls Count Anywhere: All signs point to Miz here. Nobody really wants to have this borderline terrible feud continue but bear with me. Shane and Miz almost never need to be in the ring for this. Have it get to outside or backstage where Shane can get his assistance in the form of Sanity. Miz, like this last week on Smackdown, manages to fight off Young, Wolfe, and Dain temporarily and as he gives chase to a shocked Shane, he meets the newest member of Sanity, Luke Harper. Harper proceeds to destroy the Miz with various objects and slamming him into everything available and then the foursome drags Miz back to the ring where they clear the Turkish announce table and hold Miz so Shane can hit the elbow from the ring and finish the job. Shane has his “corporate thug” faction, Sanity has a spot on the card, and the Miz remains our underdog babyface hero for now.

HugBoss vs The IIconics vs GlamaKitty vs Samoan SuckFest for the Women’s Tag Titles: It feels unlikely that Bayley and Banks lose here but let’s try for the hell of it. Much as I think it’s admirable that Beth Phoenix can still keep up and looks to be in great shape, I can’t see the point in her and Nattie winning the titles either. Nobody may be meaner than Taminer, but absolutely nobody wants her to be a tag champion either. This leaves us with the obvious choice and the only true tag team here. Peyton Royce and Billie Kay. The IIconics won’t lend a ton of credibility to the tag titles but have HugBoss really done that? At least if the IIconics have the titles, coming out and talking about it while avoiding defending them makes perfect sense as they are complete chicken shit heels. The best way for this match to go is to have Beth and Nia most definitely in the ring together which culminates in Phoenix having an incredible show of power over the Irresistable Force. This creates a melee outside the ring with Nattie and Taminer too, opening a window for a blind tag or some kind of confusion to give the IIconics a chance to steal a cheap roll up win from Banks or Bayley. Every time I do one of these, I’m certain I talk about Bayley and Sasha breaking up and feuding and this will not be the exception to that rule. Losing the tag titles is yet another perfect opportunity to plant seeds for Banks to go full bitch heel as she is meant to be and they can feud until what will be a fan dream matchup at SummerSlam. Meanwhile, the tag titles are.....ICONIC!

Bobby Lashley vs The Demon King for the IC championship: SSSSQQQQUUUUAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHH! There is no other way to book this. We’ve seen it a dozen times already. Balor wins in less than 60 seconds and afterwards they both sign a contract stating that they promise to never fight ever again.

Samoa Joe vs Rey Mysterio for the US Title: Let’s assume Rey is actually too hurt to compete. It’s a shame but it plays to my advantage. Joe comes out and cuts a vicious promo about his path of destruction and how the title has never meant more to any champion. He is cut off by R-Truth’s music. Truth comes out and says he wants his title back so he can give the United States all the dance breaks they desire. As he is face to face with Joe, Cena’s music hits and he hits the ring. Truth’s facial expression will be worth the price of admission here. A triple threat for the title it is. Truth and Cena end up doing a couple of team spots with Cena’s moves of doom on Joe but he eventually finds an opening (perhaps a dance break) where he can knock Big Match John out of the ring and lock in the Coquina Clutch for the win. Joe retains but we get our overdue laugh out loud moment with Cena and Truth.

Kirk Angel vs Banker Corbin: Since I already blew the wad on Cena for the US title fun, I have a better idea here. Angle comes out first to a huge ovation and is overcome with emotion as he talks briefly to the live crowd about how honored he’s been on this retirement road by his opponents and such. Corbin’s music hits. He yaps for a few seconds disrespecting as many people as possible and then he is attacked from behind by Gable, Apollo, Mysterio, and potentially a couple others. They drag him to the ring and beat him down, hitting respective finishers before feeding him to Angle, who hits one more Angle Slam and taps out Baron for his finale in a WWE ring. Corbin gets to cry going forward that it was unfair and keeps his heat, we don’t have to watch the sadness that is Kurt in the ring still, and Angle gets to win and stand tall and proud like the legend he is on the biggest stage.

Triple H vs Batista. No Holds Barred: By the end of this we are going to wish rest holds were barred. The build up was always going to be better than the execution. Dave freakin Batista is not going to be the guy who closes the door on Triple H’s career. Let’s be honest with ourselves. This is just a way for HHH to say there was nobody he didn’t beat. I really don’t know how you can possibly make this terribly interesting unless somehow Flair gets involved and helps Trips win. Obviously WWE nor I want a 70 year old guy out there doing too much but the dirtiest player in the game doesn’t need a large window to make an impact. Eye poke, dick shot. Whatever it takes. Wooooooooooo!

Daniel Bryan vs Kofi Kingston for the WWE Title: Yeah. KofiMania. Blah blah blah. It is arguably necessary after all this build to give Kofi the title. I have made it clear I don’t think he’s a feasible long term champion. So, in the interest of going against the grain as I do, here we go. Before the match, Kofi expressly tells Woods and E that he wants to do this on his own. Kofi and Bryan put on a hell of a contest. Tons of back and forth stuff with neat falls and all. Kofi fights off the occasional interference from Recyclable Rowan as well. Eventually the outside stuff begins to mount and the New Day comes down to even the odds. While the ref is distracted by Rowan, Bryan hits the Ric Flair Memorial move on Kofi and sets up in the corner to finish him with the knee. E and Woods get up on the apron, Rowan comes over to them, and the ref takes a bump while they fight with Rowan. Meanwhile Bryan attempts to end it but Kofi springs up and hits Trouble in Paradise out of nowhere and covers the champ. The ref is out while the crowd counts to 3. Kofi gets up and comes over to the corner to get an explanation as to why his tag partners are even out there, he turns around to meet the Vegan Knee of Doom. 1-2-3. Bryan continues his reign of Green Tyranny, the seeds are planted for a long overdue New Day spilt, and Kofi can become a much more interesting character on the road to SummerSlam where he will get his rematch with Bryan and finally win.

Brrrrroooocckkk Lesnar vs Seth Rollins for the Universal Title: In the interest of keeping the title picture clear of Roman for the time being, let’s have ol Seth burn Suplex City to the ground. The problem lies with Vince’s very probable need to make Lesnar look strong for an eventual return. For that to happen Rollins probably won’t be able to win clean. Insert Reigns and Ambrose helping in various ways for Seth to climb the mountain and win the strap. Also provides those people who have a fan boner for the Shield to go full Farmer Fran from The Waterboy one last time before Dean leaves the company. Rollins must win the title for the Drew McIntyre push to make any sense and this keeps Roman a reasonable distance from the Universal Title until at least later this year.

The Queen vs The Man vs the Mayor of Armbar City to inexplicably unify the Women’s titles: This ends the show. Wrestlemania always ends with a hero getting an absurd amount of confetti dropped on them. This narrative screams Becky Lynch. Let’s assume the rumors about Ronda Rousey leaving are just that. This is an absolutely perfect opportunity to start the Four Horsewomen feud. The classic action packed contest we are all expecting will happen. Lots of back and forth between the three. Near falls and submission escapes a plenty. As things slow down a bit, Charlotte takes a nasty cheap shot from Ronda and is down on the outside, Rousey then appears to be in serious trouble with Lynch taking her to ArmBar Village, and we get a visit from an angry ex champion, Shayna Bayzler, Jessamyn Duke, and Marina Shafir. The ref is tending to Flair, who appears hurt, while Bayzler and Co decimate The Man, allowing Rousey to slap on the arm bar. Becky resists more than anyone else ever has to the devastation of ArmBar City and passes out from the pain. Rousey pins her for the 1-2-3 and her new heel faction continues to destroy Charlotte to send a message. Ronda’s heel turn feels more natural now. She has a brutal faction of likeminded bad bitches. And we don’t get another year of Becky/Charlotte mortal enemies. They now have a common enemy.

Will any of this happen? Probably not. Certainly not most of it. But it’s fun to dream right? Enjoy a big weekend for us fans, everybody! Top Guy...OUT.

#WWE #pro wrestling #road to wrestlemania #wrestlemania

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