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carabas · 4 years

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So I’ve just finished reading the Dragon Age Tevinter Nights anthology, and short reaction: enjoyably hit and miss right up until that final extremely thorough direct hit, thank you Patrick Weekes.

Much, much longer version:

1. I don’t know how reasonable it is to try to extrapolate about what’s going to be in the next game based on a random short story collection, but hey, the novels that came out before DAI were about the mage rebellion, the Orlesian civil war, and eluvians, so.

So things I’m now expecting to see in the next game, aside from the Tevinter-Qunari conflict and Solas of course: Nevarran necromancy, Antivan Crows, Wardens who are struggling with decimated numbers after DAO and DAI (would be the perfect time for Razikale and Lusacan to both wake up at once really), and the Lords of Fortune, a never-before-mentioned Rivaini treasure hunting organization which appeared in I think three different stories here.

Plus a few stories were very much signalling This Specific New Character Will Be Showing Up Again, whether in the games or elsewhere; I'll be shocked if Lucanis the “Demon,” reluctant heir apparent of the Antivan Crows who just got into a cliffhanger conflict with a Tevinter magister, doesn’t have more to do.

2. THERE IS A MAP, there is a great big fantasy map surrounded by nifty little illustrative details to poke at.

There’s a label reading “White Spire,” not in Val Royeaux, but on a mountain beyond the Arlathan Forest. Is that an error or is there really a White Spire mountain? If not an error, has it always been named that or is that new, possibly a new center for the mages after the war, after the original Spire fell? At no point is either Spire mentioned in this book aside from this map.

Lots of astrological sun and moon patterns prominently featured around the edges. Is that one moon chart depicting moon phases or an eclipse? Is it too conspiracy theory of me to be counting the nine dark moons (or spheres? like in that DA4 idol illustration’s seven slots?) on the dragon’s wing? Probably. Or are those spheres a reference to the second moon that never seems to actually be visible, is that missing moon actually deliberate.

Most of the astrological charts are fairly straightforwardly showing sun/moon phases but what is the crowned figure in the one on the lower right meant to represent? The Maker? What’s going on with the horizontal lines passing through it/behind it? The two moons beneath it - is that an illustration of the moon in two phases or being separated into two (metaphorical moon in that case, presumably), do those horizontal lines also indicate separation, do I need to move on from the astrological depictions here, definitely.

Love the big horseshoe crab sea monster.

3. Patrick Weekes’s first story in the collection: halla shapeshifting! An elf named Strife who I fully expected to be revealed as an agent of Fen’harel mimicking ancient elven names like Sorrow and Pride, though I was wrong - would it be charming or just annoyingly unsubtle if that became a thing among his agents. An ancient forest guardian with lyrium blades who hunts magic in a way that struck me an awful lot like a forest-themed equivalent of a golem, though I may be wildly off base with that one.

4. Nevarran necromancy story. An odd bit of the chant to highlight for a funeral: “And the Maker, clad in the majesty of the sky, set foot to earth, and at His touch all warring ceased.” I continue to squint suspiciously at overlaps between Maker and elven god imagery. Also, evidently mortalitasi believe that when someone dies, an inhuman spirit is pushed out from the Fade into the physical world, and that’s part of the reason behind their housing spirits in bodies - neat! The existence of Curiosity spirits, also neat!

5. Is Ghilan’nain’s horrible body horror place supposed to be spelled Hormak like in the title and previous canon references, or Hormok like throughout the text here? I know this was just a mistake but maybe I’ll use this to say that in-world there’s multiple ways of transliterating Dwarven.

6. Lukas Kristjanson story #1, the one featuring approximately a million minor Inquisition character cameos and a meditation on Solas’s regrets, introduces a character with the phrase “free mage by special commendation,” and I was briefly thrown by that little signal that we are Not In My Worldstate, that the mages aren’t all free by default - except then the story went on to destroy Solas’s fresco so I wound up quite grateful for that little heads up that this isn’t my worldstate actually.

(Unfortunately I can’t get into this guy’s writing style at all, which is a shame because it’s one of the big Solas stories in the book.)

7. There’s a little plot point in the Wigmaker Job story that demonstrates those elven artifacts Solas had us activate all over Thedas do indeed strengthen the Veil - like, he wasn’t lying to us about what those orbs do, that is how they work, here we see a Crow stab one in order to deactivate it, weaken the Veil and unleash a horde of vengeful demons. Nice confirmation.

8. Genitivi is the Randy Dowager. (Possibly. At least, Philliam wrote a scene in which Genitivi alludes to being the Randy Dowager. I do appreciate an unreliable narrator but after a certain point it does make the lore hard to keep straight.)

9. By the time we got to the story about adventurers stealing an incredibly powerful healing amulet just to donate it to a mysterious contact at a makeshift hospital trying to help people where the Qunari-Tevinter war has spilled over, I knew better than to expect any cameos from DAO/DA2 characters. And with the mention of the squire, I was pretty sure the mysterious contact was going to be Vaea, and it was. Still. Anders would approve. And for a moment I was fantasizing that it would turn out to be him, or connected to him. A new mental setting for him and Hawke post-mage-freedom - makeshift hospitals at the edge of the invasion, secretly sponsored by a certain pair of absurdly overpowered, dungeon-crawling, treasure-hunting fugitives.

Yes, my Dragon Age interpreting is still all about Anders even when he’s not remotely present.

10. You know, I really expected the leaders of the Crows to be a bit more ruthlessly competent than this. Someone is setting up a grand demonstration, recreating infamous historical assassinations carried out by the Crows but now with the leaders of the Crows themselves as the victims, incredibly flashy, incredibly clearly sending a message, and yet not one of the characters trying to figure out whodunit is speculating about the meaning behind that message??? the motive in going to all that trouble??? it’s all, hm, perhaps it’s the qunari invaders. hm, this one was posed with a pearl necklace just like the one in the historical murder it’s recreating, i bet the culprit owns a pearl-fishing business! I know they’re assassins not detectives but at least show the professional courtesy of paying attention to the message in the show your fellow assassin is putting on for you, geez.

Anyway. Interesting Crow details: they talked about neutral ground and territories divided between the Crow households here, does that just apply to Antiva or like, does Arainai have claim to all jobs in Ferelden?

And the line “Teia's back was bare except for a tattoo marking her as a member of House Cantori” puts Zevran’s tattoos in a slightly different light for me - he’s mentioned that some symbols are sacred to the Crows, and logically it follows that having that symbol tattooed on him would indeed mark him as a Crow to other people in the know, but that his tattoos mark him as belonging to House Arainai is a thing that did not hit me from that.

11. An agent of Fen’harel muttering “Felassan” to activate a rune. In memoriam? Charming. I mean it’s a rune that’s intended to kill an entire city, so possibly the more literal slow arrow is meant, but I’m still charmed.

12. PATRICK WEEKES CLOSING OUT THE BOOK BY JUST DUMPING THE CONTINUING DREAD WOLF HUNT PLOT ON US.

So much.

An actual giant wolf in the Fade, I’m so happy for tumblr user corseque.

A character again raising the possibility that Solas is not an ancient elf but rather a young elf who stumbled onto old magic, a theory I thought debunked by Trespasser but here we are considering it again.

A minor side note that a lot of Kirkwall’s templars went rogue after the explosion - that’s not relevant to the post-DAI plot really, I’m just noting it for my generally-DA2-focused fanfic purposes.

The possibility that somniari (presumably) can kill even dwarves who don’t dream in their sleep. Somniari in general or did Solas personally step in here?

A ritual involving the red lyrium idol resulting in the phrase “As if we were the blood and the cavern the body through which it flowed” right before the POV character enters the Fade, which is a rather Titan-esque turn of phrase.

The Dread Wolf again asserting that all creation is in danger and he’s trying to fix that. A biased POV character recognizing that, huh, funny how those spirits around the Dread Wolf which surely must be demons actually look an awful lot like Justice and Valor.

And Charter’s notes at the end, so direct, not only spelling out the new details on the idol for us (that the figure represents a crowned figure comforting another) but thoroughly hitting us over the head with Solas’s essential characterization in his own words, as if Weekes is still trying to clear up any possible lingering misinterpretations there. (Prideful, hotheaded, foolish. Doing what he must. Sympathetic to elves. Said that he was sorry.)

And the quiet simplicity of Solas coming to this meeting of spies in person because, pause, “...the Inquisition was involved,” written in such a way that you could read all sorts of things into that pause, whatever the Inquisition and the Inquisitor might mean to him.

The book would have been worth reading for this last story alone, what a note to end on.

#dragon age #tevinter nights #inquisition #da4 speculation #this is a deeply inquisition- and post-inquisition focused book #lots of neat continuing plot stuff and cameos from DAI or comics characters #no updates on your favorite DAO/DA2 companions

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tomasorban · 6 years

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Alchemical initiation: transforming the self

When discussing alchemy, the first thing you must understand is that in relation to modern chemistry, alchemy is relevant only in terms of history. Moreover, the value of the alchemists philosophical system has nothing to do with the literal interpretation of alchemical operations; but rather the message is hidden behind allegories, symbols and formulas. So the essence of alchemy is not the transformation of metals, but rather the transformation of the self.

Alchemists tell us the story of the matter passing through four main states: nigredo, albedo, citrinitas, rubedo. In nigredo, the matter is full of impurities, “unpolished”, so that in the albedo to be “cleaned” divided into two opposing principles. Citrinitas represent the transmutation of silver into gold, or the stage of “wise old man” – according to Carl.G.Jung‘s analytical psychology. Finally, in the state of rubedo the two opposing principles come together (coniunctio), giving birth to the two-headed eagle (Atahnor logo ), which symbolizes the discovery of the authentic self, the last stage of consciousness.

A similar initiatic journey we can find in tarot, as Oswald Wirth notes, where the story begins with the fool, which in French is called Le Fou, resembling Le Feu (Fire), thus referring to the alchemical process of transforming lead into gold. Perhaps the word game may lead us to the principle always reminded by alchemist Theophrastus noted Ph. Paracelsus, who urges alchemists to pass their theories through the fire, i.e. to test, experiment. Fire also symbolizes the active principle, or libido – described by Jung as the [psychic] energy of the individual. Moreover, if we interpret fire as the potency or the will to transform of the individual, we conclude that the fire that burns in Athanor (the furnace of alchemists) is the necessary will that “burns impurities” – the fuel that turns lead into gold. Moreover, even Gaston Bachelard in “Psychoanalysis of Fire” talks about the Prometheus complex, wich is explained to be: “Oedipus complex in intellectual life“ – so fire is engine that makes us want to know more. Paracelsus said that no operation can be done without this fire.

It is reasonable to consider both alchemy and tarot philosophical systems expressed through allegory, which focuses on the hidden potential in every individual (i.e. nigredo, the fool), which with labor and continuous “polishing” is able to discover his authentic self:

„nigredo is the revelation of the incompleteness of substance, that needs processing to become gold. This is why the matter is crying for the help of a man, which, by knowing and understanding, will save its soul from the netherworld.”

Nigredo also symbolizes the shadow of self, or the self [unconsciously] confronting its shadow. In the state of albedo we become aware of the shadow of the self, and impurities (unnecessary, harmful concepts) are removed. Also, we become aware of the opposite concepts anima and animus, that will be joined togheter in an alchemical process in rubedo : the Sun (gold, male) and the Moon (silver, female) come together; thus this operation is also symbolizing the union of conscious and unconscious – the consciousness in its fullness. In this respect some Gnostics, and some psychoanalysts and historians of religions have concluded that The Great Art means combining masculine (Sulphur) and feminine (Mercury) – a process more or less sexual. Mircea Eliade, great historian of religions noticed:

„European alchemy defines the Great Art as the <secret> to combine the <Masculine> with the <feminine>.”

Another thing that Paracelsus and other alchemists repeated was that to fulfill the alchemic operation, each step needs to be done perfectly, in perfect order. This reminds us that we must be diligent, not to deviate from the path, otherwise we will not obtain the rubedo state. The alchemist is somebody that makes order out of chaos (ordo ab chao), and in a sense, I believe that two-headed eagle symbol is representative of the whole process of acceptance, integration and transformation of the shadow in the entire being. The two-headed eagle is anima and animus fusioned, it’s the man aware of its shadow – unconscious becoming conscious.

Oswald Wirth notes that these ancient mystical symbols and allegories used to be a bridge between the conscious mind, and the collective unconscious. As I mentioned above, nigredo can also symbolize shadow or [collective] unconscious – the source of archetypes and symbols. So the moment we get out of the darkness (nigredo) – that miserable state of ignorance and unawarness -, is the moment we become aware of our shadow, when we distinguish subject from the object in the process of shadow projection.

Anyway, the alchemists have used different formulas to write their “alchemical recipes” to keep the knowledge away from the profane. A thing that was pretty common between alchemists was to associate different metals and different stages of processing (e.g. rotting) with various mythological names, thereby converting an alchemical recipe into a story or a myth – or vice versa. For example, Apollo (Sun) corresponded to gold. Jean Marie Ragon goes further and states that in the Greek myth of Apollo killing the snake Python hides an alchemical process, a meeting between coarse material and the philosophical fire. Moreover, many psychoanalysts (e.g. Jung) were concerned with the interpretation of myths in a rather metaphorical way, believing there are hidden meanings behind metaphors, myths and alchemical works (see C.Jung’s interpretation of the text “Consurgens Aurora“) . I wanted to mention this because most people are skeptical about alchemy (I am one of them), but I think that in many cases, the skepticism is due the literally interpretation of alchemical texts/ myths. And it seems clear that D’Espagnets alchemical recipe that included a red dragon and seven or nine clean eagles that turns into a swan, doesn’t ask us to get a red dragon itself (nor claimed it will turn into a swan). And regarding Count Saint-Germain’s The Most Holy Trinosophia, it would be really foolish to think that that fantastic trip really took place (in the physical world).

A conclusion, and also a review could be that alchemy is a complex philosophical system, well-built, revealed in stages. Behind the seemingly chemical formulas or mythological character, there are beautiful teachings hiding, and the ultimate knowledge is reserved to the one with a sharp mind, escaping from the labyrinths built by alchemists. I think that Mircea Eliade concluded very nice his work “Cosmogony and babylonian alchemy“, reminding us that everyone has the potential to become gold, to transform his flaws and troublesome self (lead) into gold:

„Transmutation of metals, which at one point becomes the basic idea of alchemy, has its justification in the belief that any metal can perfect itself to the ultimate stage of matter, turning into Gold.”

#alchemy #philosophy #hermeticism #consciousness #gnosis #esoteric

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ts1989fanatic · 7 years

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The Guide to Getting into Taylor Swift

With the country-turned-pop star's music on Spotify, it's time to cut all your shirts into crop tops and become a Swiftie.

Wow! You're finally open to becoming a Swiftie! Perhaps you're a casual listener and you found your bum wiggling to "Shake It Off" at the grocery store. Perhaps you're that nostalgic person who always sings "Our Song" at karaoke because it reminds you of more innocent times. Perhaps you're a even hardcore hater. Who cares! You're here now.

So what did it take? Her endless charm? Her enviable songwriting talents? Her clever business sense? Or is it because Taylor Swift's entire catalogue just went up on Spotify for free.99? What a cheapskate!

Besides the fact that you can now listen to Taylor Swift without having to navigate her battles with the streaming industry, this is the perfect time to start listening to her music, even if you skipped out on the past five albums. We're currently in the calm before Swift's storm – the time when she's conjuring up a new album that may defy any expectations we have about the country-turned-pop star. Before she inevitably returns to the tabloids, there's a chance to get to know the artist whose work earned that fame, the singer who, at 14, prompted label boss Scott Borchetta of Big Machine to take her on, writing in his notes, "This could be your Mick Jagger." Taylor's fans have long known her as someone who can weave fairytales into everyday life and pastoral romanticism into a regular school day, who can detail relationships with piercing honesty. That kind of music inspires devotion, and this is your chance to feel it.

So, before you dig in, you'll need a Taylor Swift starter pack. Cut all your shirts into crop tops. Write Joni Mitchell lyrics on your arm. Adopt a Scottish fold and name it after a Grey's Anatomy character. Start calling the paparazzi before leaving the apartment. Show up at your friends' houses unexpectedly, offering them Christmas gifts and wondering why they don't cry tears of joy at the mere sight of you. At the very least, join an online forum to talk about her fandom when it hits. Start yearning for Taylor's old country days even though you hate country music! Send a Swift song to your ex instead of messy blocks of texts. Quote her lyrics in therapy. Invest in some quality scarlet-hued lipstick (Nars' Dragon Girl is a decent choice.)

And if you need some help with different entry points into her music, I've got you. Below, there are five options for getting into Taylor Swift. Pick the section that best suits your soul.

So, as Taylor's best friend Selena Gomez (you should know that too) says, if you're ready, come and get it.

So You Want to Get Into: Kiss-Off Bop Taylor Swift?

OK, so you want to get into the feisty side of Taylor Swift. Great choice. Alongside her songs about love, heartbreak, her first day of high school, her mom and Lena Dunham (it's true – "You Are In Love" is about her), there are angsty ditties that take her foes and pie them in the face like the true dunces that they are. This might be the side of Swift you're most familiar with lately, as her feud with Katy Perry has made the 12,000th headline and we're meant to believe that Taylor is on a warpath to punish all her enemies. However, Swift is just like any of us: If she's wronged, she feels a little jaded. And despite serving as a role model to her listeners, she experiences anger like anyone else. But most of us don't have the talent to write songs about them.

Taylor's kiss-off anthems started with "Picture to Burn" (perhaps her best song to this day?), off her debut, self-titled album in 2006, released when she was just 16. "Picture to Burn" has Swift expressing pent-up G-rated aggression with a twang (this is back when she still had a Southern accent, and it's endearing as fuck). She goes one shot under pulling a Carrie Underwood and disses her ex-boyfriend's truck; she threatens to sic her dad on him; she calls him a "redneck." There are all sorts of killer lines in the track ("There's nothing stopping me from going out with alllll of yer best frans!"), but this one's the most poetic and charged: "So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time / As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn." Don't be thrown off by the flutter of banjo and down-home guitars that sound like they're out of a muddy Ford commercial – let the country sound sink in and guide you to revenge.

Since then, Taylor's had dozens of songs that ward off sour critics and ex-boyfriends. Her third album in particular, 2010's Speak Now, is chock full of them. On "Mean" she sheds off her haters who are "Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things / Drunk and rambling' on about how I can't sing / But all you are is mean." Then she piles it on, calling them "And a liar / And pathetic / And alone in life." Meanwhile, she maintains sweet, kill-em-with-kindness disposition: You'll be glad you never cared about that loser anyway! This side of Taylor is best enjoyed if you like looking cute while rolling your eyes.

Of course, there's "Bad Blood," which, if you pay just a speck of attention to pop culture, you know is about a petty pop star argument. And there's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," which is supposed to send a message to a guy trying to slide back into a relationship – although it comes off more as a mantra for Taylor to chant when she's about to let him back in again. And there's the slightly problematic "Better Than Revenge," where she blasts a girl who's known for her "talents on a mattress."

So if you've been wronged, don't pick up a baseball bat; yank out yer fake country accent and a Zippo, and start lighting stuff on fire!

So You Want to Get Into: Take My Heart And Run It Over With A Rusty Pickup Truck Taylor Swift?

If you've chosen to get into Heartbreak Taylor, you're probably the type who needs time to fully soak into your sadness when you're going through something. You absorb other people's heartbreak too. As a Sagittarius, Taylor is one of these people. (I know nothing about astrology, but I figured you might?)

The beauty about Taylor Swift is that she makes her songs vague enough to where you can imagine yourself in the song – yet she drops in just enough little details so you know the story in the song is hers. It's so easy to apply any of her songs to your life without forgetting her own drama.

Swift's romantic life has been easily mocked for a good ten years now, a topic she satirized in 2014 with "Blank Space" (but more on that later). From age 16 to now, age 27, we've known all of her boyfriends… and by the details she adds in her songs, you can tell which boyfriends inspired which songs: Joe Jonas ("Forever & Always"), Taylor Lautner ("Back to December"), John Mayer ("Dear John"), Harry Styles ("Out of the Woods), etc. By knowing the very real dudes behind the tracks and their very real relationships, Swift songs play out more like movies, where you can envision these celebrities going through the same breakup you might have with your partner. Perhaps the most heartbreaking of these songs is "All Too Well," a song clearly about Jake Gyllenhaal, with references to Swift's scarf, which he was photographed wearing after their breakup.

Red's "All Too Well," like most of Swift's songs about breakups, is crushing. Raise your hand if you've ever met your partner's parents and they start reminiscing about when they were a little kid: "You tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me." Or if you've gotten stuck wallowing and it felt like you'd never be happy again: "Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralysed by it / I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." Or if your ex called you just for old times' sake, just as you were starting to move on: "Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise / So casually cruel in the name of being honest." You remember it all too well.

There's something about Swift's sad songs that are like a film you can revisit over and over again, pulling tears from your eyes as if you're experiencing heartbreak for the first time. And it's not just heartbreak – it's grief in general. When you're exploring your way around these gut wrenching songs, don't forget "Ronan," a charity single written for the mom of a child who died of cancer just days before his fourth birthday (that one, unfortunately, is not part of her return to streaming). And "Never Grow Up," which will have you wanting to crawl back into your mom's arms.

Either way, it's best to listen to these when you're alone.

So You Want to Get Into: Fairytale Wedding Day Taylor Swift?

Ready to fall in love, you hopeless romantic? Read up on your Romeo and Juliet. Brush up on Rapunzel. Fall madly in love with the guy who's waiting tables at your favourite cafe. Go all in. Take risks. Ask that guy on a date. Ignore what anyone else says. Go head over heels. Get married (the guy has to propose on one knee and ask your dad for permission, of course). Have babies. Grow old together. Love is a fairytale!!!!!!

Taylor's very aware of her idealistic view on love ("Stupid girl, I should've known / I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale," she sings on "White Horse"), especially earlier on in her catalogue. You won't find her singing about dancing in the rain with her angelic-faced crush in her latest album, 1989, or anything in the future, but teenaged Taylor wrote the best love songs back in the day. She's either chasing highs or sinking into lows, and with mythical metaphors abound, she explains that sparkling feeling of falling in love.

You've come to the right place if you're looking for a song to dance to at your wedding. Imagine twinkly lights and barefeet as you twirl around the floor to 2006's "Mary's Song," which follows a seven-year-old girl and her nine-year-old beau as they grow up and get married. Or maybe you want dozens of photos of your family floating from clothesline at your barn wedding, soundtracking the moment with the voracity of 2010's "Mine." Or maybe you're under the moonlight, letting your vintage dress sweep over dewy grass as you dance with your hearts pressed together to "Enchanted."

Swift's love songs give you faith that love can last a lifetime, that you can pull off a medieval princess dress and that kissing in the rain is more magical and euphoric than wet and cold. Even if Prince Charming will never come galloping around on his awkwardly endowed stallion, it's nice – if but for three and a half minutes – to dream.

So You Want to Get Into: Banjo and Fiddle Taylor Swift?

Taylor Swift made the same journey as Shania Twain when it's come to the crossing the country-to-pop bridge – except with Swift, it seems like she's left that bridge far, far behind. With the declaration that she was taking 2014's 1989 fully into pop territory, Swift hasn't looked back, reworking her old country hits when she plays them live and nearly ignoring her especially hoedown-oriented tunes. If you appreciate a good fiddle solo and snarky banjo, I urge you to start at the beginning of her discography.

The self-titled album is a mine of gold country nuggets with excellent lyricism from Swift and sharp production from Nathan Chapman (who had never produced an album until he met Taylor Swift when she was 14). Chapman adorned Swift's green soprano with a bevy of fiddle, which could cry during a song like "Tied Together With A Smile" or frolick with joy during "Our Song." Fiddle is the second singer on Taylor Swift. There's dobro too, etching its earthiness into songs, along with some sparse scatterings of mandolin.

And then there's pedal steel – completely absent after 2014's Red – which swoops in like mood swing, unexpected, yet totally called for. It yearns on "Teardrops on My Guitar," gives sassy support on "Picture to Burn," and calms a bubbling banjo on "The Outside."

Like Swift, who grew up on a Christmas tree farm in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, before convincing her family to move to Nashville, you might have a small-town upbringing. And just the mere twang of a steel guitar may transcend you to fireflies and summer nights. If you're more familiar with Swift's more recent work, listening to her first album may seem like a novelty, but the progression across the five albums is organic, so don't feel jolted when you hear the rush of country instruments and the mention of country's prince, Tim McGraw, when you take her first bite of Taylor Swift.

Listen to country-era Swift – if not to conjure your own childhood memories, but to get a better understanding of where the pop star started from.

So You Want to Get Into: Storyteller Taylor Swift?

Sit down, music lover, and let Auntie Swift tell you a story. This one's a gripping tale about a girl who shows up at a fancy wedding, ready to interrupt everything and declare her love for the groom. The guy is obviously marrying the wrong woman, who's "wearing a gown shaped like a pastry." And although Taylor is not the kind of person to show up at a "white veil occasion," she, like the title of the 2010 song suggests, is compelled to "Speak Now."

I won't spoil the rest of the story for you, but as you enter the world of Swift for the first time, these storytelling songs might be your best entry point if you like a good narrative. These selections are perfect for long drives, when your mind wanders off the road. Ditch your Audible subscription (does anyone have Audible anyway?) and lean toward the Book of Swift instead. The first chapter dives into Taylor at three years old on "The Best Day," a song she wrote about her mom: "I run and run / Past the pumpkin patch / And the tractor rides / Look now, the sky is gold / I hug your legs / And fall asleep on the way home." The colours are vivid, the memories idyllic, and you can't help but miss your own mom a bit. Of course, some stories make you cry more than others, but with Taylor Swift, it's best to expect tears at all times.

Fast forward eight years to "Blank Space," where she's taken a wholly less innocent form – as a jet-setting maniser who steals her victims' hearts and tortures them with love games. "Saw you there and I thought / 'Oh my God, look at that face / You look like my next mistake'," she sings, as coy as a Black Widow looking for a mate. I won't spoil this one either, but let's just say that this story involves a pretty toxic web.

So, if you're in need of music that will hold you by your hand and take you through a journey, dive into "Love Story," a ditty about a young couple with disapproving parents, or "How You Get The Girl," a step-by-step tutorial on how to win your girlfriend back, or "Fifteen," a story about her friend Abigail's first year of high school, or "Mine," a song about a rando dude who turns into her husband. Whatever chapter you open the book of Taylor to, there's going to be a plot to keep you hooked.

Emilee Lindner was born on a metaphorical Christmas tree farm, and you can find her preaching the good word of Taylor on Twitter.

ts1989fanatic sorry that this so long a post but DAMN it’s worth the read, and I have to think the writer is a SWIFTIE she certainly understands the subject of her piece very well.

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computerguideworld-blog · 5 years

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How Game Of Thrones Ends Based On Computer Simulations

New Post has been published on https://computerguideto.com/must-see/how-game-of-thrones-ends-based-on-computer-simulations/

How Game Of Thrones Ends Based On Computer Simulations

We love Game Of Thrones, but it’s not without its flaws. So we ran a 100-percent accurate simulation to see how the story would have played out if the characters didn’t spend half their time sleeping around, torturing each other, and talking about their feelings. The highly advanced technology we used was Nintendo’s Advance Wars: Dual Strike, a 2005 video game about anime characters fighting with tanks.

No gratuitous boobs in this, but we’re sure somebody on the internet has fixed that by now.

We created a map, let the game’s artificial intelligence run amok, and watched as years of rambling storytelling were ruthlessly condensed into 38 minutes of all-out warfare. We also got drunk, watched porn, and grew beards, for maximum authenticity.

So here’s Westeros, which most of you know better than your own country:

And here’s our perfect 1:1 recreation:

*Play for full effect*

The Starks and their allies are red, the White Walkers are blue, and the Lannister-Tyrell alliance is green. Dorne and the Freys’ Twins start off neutral, while Stannis is cut because being overlooked is his lot in life. The Iron Islands are represented on the side, but the Greyjoys aren’t, because the only thing they’ve achieved in five seasons is one very uncomfortable fingering scene, and that can’t be recreated on a Nintendo console until Bayonetta 3 is released.

Across the ocean is Essos, where Daenerys (yellow) has spent five years yelling about slaves while acting entirely with her impressive eyebrows. Here’s her part of the world:

Mother of dragons, first of her name, breaker of chains, protector of pixels.

Now we need to create the Advanced Wars equivalent of 20,000 bearded men who want to kill each other. Game Of Thrones has more political factions than most real countries: Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons, Tyrells, Martells, the Night’s Watch, white walkers, wildlings, the Targaryens, the dozens of interchangeable one-dimensional villains Daenerys has butchered, rogue actors like Littlefinger, that kid who’s way too old to be breastfeeding, and on and on and on. But because most of them are ultimately irrelevant — just like in real life — so we’re chopping this story down to the essentials. First up are the Starks, whose 18,000 men were mostly peasants with pointy objects. So assuming each unit represents 2,000 men, here’s what Robb’s forces look like:

“Nine’s more than enough to invite to a wedding, right?”

The thing that looks like a duck with wheels represents his mounted units, while the soldiers carrying poster rolls / RPG launchers are his knights. And just to his north is a horde of white walkers, which we’ll assume have overrun the wildlings. As for Team Lannister, they start with 20,000 well-trained and equipped soldiers, as well as a small navy …

… while Daenerys has 8,000 Unsullied, 2,000 mercenaries, other miscellaneous soldiers, and three dragons represented by stealth bombers. See, our high-end simulation technology is flawless.

Right down to the dragons’ baffling decision to not simply eat every fleshy human and rule the planet their damn selves.

Snow falls as the war begins, and the very first thing the Starks do is march 2,000 men north to Castle Black and kill 1,000 white walkers.

“You know murder, Jon Snow.”

Fuck. Yes. The walkers were teased from the very first scene of the very first episode, only for 47 more hours to pass before Jon killed a single one. But there are no stories about incest and long shots of people walking endlessly through the wilderness here. The Starks get down to business, taking the walker threat seriously and acknowledging that having the realm’s only line of defense against a terrifying supernatural horde be a collection of poorly-trained rapists isn’t a great idea. While Jon immediately starts the war we’ve been waiting for since episode one, Robb marches the rest of his troops toward the Twins.

It’s amazing the progress you can make in a war when you don’t wait for all your soldiers to die first.

In the show, the Lannisters dealt with their enemies mostly via political machinations and cunning plots. But our Lannister AI said to hell with all that. They also march on the Twins, as well as sending Jaime and Bronn with 4,000 men to take Dorne by force …

… and two assassins equipped with wildfire (represented by remote bombs) straight at the heart of Dany’s forces.

Where, in keeping with the law of the land, they stop and wait while other people do shit.

Dany, meanwhile, sends one team to take Qarth while the rest of her troops march on Meereen, condensing four seasons of wandering and whining into one bold move.

Fire cannot kill a dragon, but boredom can.

So to recap, after a single day of combat, Jon is in charge of the Night’s Watch and leading the battle against the walkers (which, on the show, happened in season five), Robb is at the Twins (season two), Dany’s taking Qarth (season two) and Meereen (seasons three through five), while the Lannisters and Tyrells are actively engaging both of them with actual military tactics (season hasn’t-happened-yet). But while our simulation is cutting the show’s fat, it retains its flair for sudden and dramatic deaths. Sorry, Kit Harington groupies, but the light goes out of Jon’s beautiful doe eyes on Day Two.

“For the article.”

He exploded, and then his corpse vanished, so there’s no convenient resurrection or Jesus metaphors for him. But he takes thousands of walkers with him, and it fulfills something Jon predicted in the show — that the Night’s Watch could survive one night of attacks, but not two. Things go better for the Starks south of the Wall, as Robb, free from the sexy distractions of Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter, begins his conquest of the Twins.

Amazing what you can get done when you keep your Little Tramp all zipped up.

No sooner do the Starks lay claim than the Lannisters massacre 2,000 of them in a single gruesome day. In no dimension is holing up with Walder Frey a good move.

“The Lannisters send their fuck yous.”

Meanwhile, their wildfire-armed assassins bring Dany’s dragons to the brink of death, and they wipe out three-quarters of her Unsullied in the process — a tactic that is shockingly more effective than one glass of bad wine and Jorah Mormont’s fickle boner.

The Unsullied’s nonexistent boners were simply no match.

Dany responds by merging her dragons into one three-headed terror with some horrible arcane magic and then, ugh, retreating to Meereen and Qarth to rebuild / sit around and grimace. So just like in the show, we get one awesome dragon moment, followed by a whole lot of nothing.

With pixels, it was too hard to tell if she shit herself this time.

On the third day of conflict, the Lannisters and the Starks start their epic battle …

… while the white walkers seize Castle Black. We’re three episodes into the Nintendo DS version of Game Of Thrones, and while there are no tits (a feature we are supplementing by browsing “Busty Asian Beauties” while the simulation runs), everything else is way more awesome.

Aside from Joffrey still running amok instead of choking on poison and vomit.

On the following day, Daenerys flies her hydra-dragon over Dorne, an important world event the Starks and Lannisters completely fail to take note of because they’re too busy massacring each other.

Had the real Daenerys thought of this, George R. R. Martin could’ve moved on to not finishing a whole other series years ago.

Jaime and Bronn’s troops capture Dorne by standing on it, which is slightly more realistic than the fights they got into there in the show:

“First take, nailed it. Cut!”

The Starks are forced to give up ground at the Twins to hold the Wall …

… while Dany’s King Ghidorah kills 200 of Jaime and Bronn’s men.

You make Jaime fight without Brienne constantly saving his ass, and look what happens.

Despite all the awesome action happening elsewhere — a three-headed dragon attacks a city held by two fan favorites — the camera decides to focus on Meereen, where absolutely nothing occurs. Huh, it’s weird that season five’s storylines play out exactly the same in both versions. It’s a great tactic, though — Dany announces her intimidating presence to Westeros with an attack on the one stronghold that resisted her distant ancestors. That will get her more support than five years of sitting around and grumbling ever could.

Over the next few days, the Starks hold Castle Black but lose the Twins to the superior numbers and resources of the Lannisters, Dany expands her holdings in the East, and Jaime and Bronn flee Dany’s dragon, which moves on to harassing Highgarden. The Starks are confined to the North, but there’s a glimmer of hope — the Lannisters land 4,000 men at the Wall, in an apparent sign that they’re willing to put aside their differences and battle the Walker horde …

… Kidding! The Lannisters immediately attack the Starks, right in front of the horde of ice monsters that want to kill them all and rule their corpses. Which is absolutely what a bitter, vengeful, and drunk Cersei would do. For her, it’s better to see the world destroyed than to see her enemies succeed. And all their attack does is benefit the walkers, as there are now even fewer good men standing between them and civilization.

If you can’t trust an incestuous, murdering wino, who can you trust?

With that incredibly destructive act, everyone in the Seven Kingdoms must be cheering for Daenerys’ dragon to slay the short-sighted Lannisters and save Westeros. So it’s a bit anti-climactic when the exhausted dragon runs out of energy, crashes, and dies. Maybe don’t take your storytelling cues from this particular event, George.

The dragon is exactly how Martin feels after writing more than ten words a day.

Still, Daenerys soldiers on, taking most of Essos with good old-fashioned soldiers alone.

No Unsullied victory teabaggings, cause, you know …

The Starks and the Watch successfully repel the Lannisters in the North, while in the South, Moat Cailin continues to hold out remarkably well (just like in the show). But their numbers are depleted, which means …

… the white walkers are south of the wall for the first time in 8,000 years, and we’re still in season one. The Lannisters are able to occupy Winterfell, the seat of their most hated enemy, but it’s a Pyrrhic victory. The walkers soon push them out and seize the North, and with the new resources available to them, they start fielding tanks. We shall assume these tanks are undead. Thanks a lot, Cersei.

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Arya may have escaped and Sansa is probably being sexually assaulted somewhere, but otherwise, the Starks are dead. The last hurrah by the North is a screaming kamikaze attack on the walkers led by Ramsay Bolton — an oddly heroic yet sufficiently crazy way for the show’s most hated character to make his exit. The Lannisters and walkers begin fighting, while Dany builds boats, lands her vanguard, and finds the southern half of Westeros almost completely undefended.

Everyone was distracted while mourning the tragic death of the guy who castrated dudes and raped girls.

She immediately marches on King’s Landing and defeats the remainder of Jaime and Bronn’s weary soldiers.

Sisters and prostitutes everywhere are inconsolable.

Jaime dies in the city he saved, at the hands of the daughter of the madman he saved it from. It’s a dramatically satisfying conclusion to his character, and it begins the great Targaryen-Lannister-Frost-Monster War. The Lannisters are able to rally their troops and defend King’s Landing, but at too much of a cost. The white walkers march to the Twins and start slaughtering them. It’s unclear if the dying soldiers are able to grasp the narrative irony and thematic significance of being massacred there.

“The Braaaaains Of Castamere.”

Dany lands additional troops and makes another attempt at King’s Landing, and the Lannisters are unable to fight off her naval assault — as they did Stannis’ on the show — because they blew their wildfire on their assassination attempt. On Day 22 of the conflict, Daenerys captures King’s Landing:

With the Mother of Ghidorah on the Iron Throne, the Lannister and Tyrell armies disband and their cities declare their loyalty to the new Queen. At this point, the walkers have overrun the North, but Daenerys has the heartland of Westeros and the combined might of Essos behind her. It’s numbers versus resources, with the only question being how efficiently those resources will be used. So it’s the fight the show has been hinting at for years, reached in under half an hour of simulation time.

The “Previously On Game Of Thrones” intro will be nothing but an ad for the one-disc complete series DVD.

To avoid being overrun, Dany immediately retreats to build her forces and otherwise sit around doing nothing, because while you can take the queen out of the shitty plotline, you can’t take the shitty plotline out of the queen. But Daenerys’ decision also highlights her ruthless side: She lets King’s Landing fall to the white walkers, the entire capital city slaughtered and zombified merely so she can rally her troops.

We’re starting to think she might hold a grudge.

But it works. The Queen gets her army, lines it up along the banks of the Trident — where the Targaryen dynasty fell in the first place after Daenerys’ older brother died in battle — and now she’s either going to restore her family’s name or doom the land to a reign of endless darkness.

Or spend three more seasons sitting around debating which is better.

It’s the final epic struggle, with every character who’s survived to this point putting aside their differences to battle a supernatural threat to their very species. Turns out they don’t need a dragon at their backs, because the true dragon … is teamwork.

The battle takes almost as long as the rest of the war combined, but Daenerys does it. They retake King’s Landing. Fictional humanity is saved!

“It’s Queen’s Landing now. Any objections? No, didn’t think so.”

From there, she drives the white walkers back beyond the Wall, then marches into the far North and topples their frozen stronghold. The Seven Kingdoms are reunited, and their greatest threat is destroyed.

Her traditional warrior garb of a red ball cap, power suit, and half-undershirt struck mortal fear into her enemies.

Oh, and Bran got eaten by zombies at the start of all this, because no one cares about him.

The end!

So there you have it. The dragons are a paper tiger, and Dany will become Queen not through their power, but by giving Westeros what it’s lacked for so long: a ruler willing to unite people against true evil. Jon will give his life fighting the white walkers. Jaime will die trying to redeem himself in the eyes of the people he loves. The Lannisters, in their arrogance, will fail to learn from the mistakes of the Starks. History repeats itself, as the final battle occurs on the same ground where this conflict began years ago. And, most importantly, a decade-old Nintendo game can tell an epic story more efficiently than a big-budget HBO series.

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