#It's stupid how many things I've ruined in my life for my detached attachment for this particular person

[jacksintention]

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#I was contemplating whether to message or not someone who told me to do so in May to see each other again #and like... On the one hand I want to. I so desperately want to #On the other hand... what do I do afterwards? #I've crafted so much of my life around the fact of seeing him again #I was content with that instant in December. More than content. I didn't expect him to be so happy to see me at all #And he told me he was leaving but he'd come back in May‚ to write him then to see each other at lenght #But after so much absence and honestly so little intimacy since the very beginning‚ #and mainly having the chance of seeing him be what's kept me alive for a long while... it's like. What for? xD #We have nothing to say to each other and what do I do afterwards with my life? #So anyway I was contemplating this decision and #I really should learn better ways of coping with life. This is so stupid it's kinda humiliating #But he's meant so much to me. He means so much to me. I don't think he knows how much he's meant to me #But like. In a totally detached way xD He's one of my favourite people I've ever met. I enjoyed spending time with him #But it's not that. It's situational xD #I don't know. I just wanted to ramble a bit and this blog has fewer followers haha #I used to write these things down on notebooks but I'm afraid of someone reading them when I'm dead haha #Other than the instant in December I hadn't seen this man since 2015. It's been so long. I've missed him desperately but also I haven't #I can't believe his 'go into academia‚ that way we'll see each other again one day' worked #If someone is reading this‚ don't go into academia. It's depressing‚ it makes you resent what you love and it doesn't pay haha #It's stupid how many things I've ruined in my life for my detached attachment for this particular person #with whom I never really had a close relationship. Yet here I am. And in part‚ indeed‚ here I am #I was considering the most effective way to kill myself when he told me to go into academia to meet again at some random conference in 2015 #And I was going to kill myself this December until I saw him and he told me to meet him in May #And he was the only person to say the right words when I first tried to kill myself #I don't know what he does #But he always makes me want to live #The sky looks beautiful and violet when I watch it from beneath the jacaranda flowers and suddenly Tuesdays come back #I miss how his hands smelled of coffee in the mornings and how he blushed when you teased him. He had beautiful hands #I think I won't write to him. It seems unbearable. It seems unbearable to see him again and see everything that was and wasn't #and how much kinder my life could have been had I known how to manauver it. And it's unbearable losing the possibility of seeing him again