#I'm sorry if i bring negativity in your dash I won't blame you for unfollowing i can just try to promise it won't always be like this

[omarfor-orchestra]

So now I need to figure out what caused this mess uh

#was it the pills #the pms #the fact that I haven't seen my therapist in almost a month and will have to wait another one #the fact that i haven't seen someone outside my family and therapist in something like 3 months #maybe more #the fact that when the only irl friend i thought i had (which I'm starting to dubt) told me after i stupid joke that i do have friends #i ghosted her bc otherwise i would have told her to fuck off bc if i had friends I wouldn't have had to be alone in my house when in #so much pain I couldn't move from the bad and she knew it she knew I couldn't walk and still said 'oh you can come to my house' how???????? #despite me asking her twice to come #and I'm 23 years old and I'm so alone it hurts and I can't go out even if i were invited and the only thing helping me right now #are literally drugs which let me tell yall is a low point even if they're medically prescripted #and I'm losing my mind because I'm 3 exams away from my graduation and everyday i feel like giving up #and I've started counting cals again because I'm scared I'm gonna gain too much weight #and I don't know how I'll handle the operation and the follow up and I'm fucking terrified #I'm so sorry if you all are reading this but I'm truly feeling hopeless and so so useless and alone and the self hating is getting stronger #I'm sorry if i bring negativity in your dash I won't blame you for unfollowing i can just try to promise it won't always be like this #i hope at least #god i don't even know what i wrote