#I'm not going to ofc bc we're like 20 and I haven't even lived with her yet

[icedmetaltea]

.

I'm supposed to go back to my apartment tomorrow... or at least start, it's a 9 hour drive. Considering I can't go 30 mins in a car without a panic attack, I'm guessing I'll have at least 5 a day, and considering even one is traumatizing enough??? I'm gonna fucking die I swear to god

There's still so much to do, so much to pack, so much to clean, dishes to wash, laundry to do... I've barely eaten today and I didn't even notice till now. My stomach hurts but I'm not hungry, couldn't dream of eating rn

I've had this awful choking, lump-in-throat feeling come throughout the day, got really bad this past hour, just been laying in bed trying to not swallow cause whenever I do that makes it worse. I keep coughing, trying to get it out, but nothing helps... I know it's gotta be anxiety but in the back of my brain I'm worried it's asthma, like I've had mild asthma this whole time and just didn't know it and I'm just lucky I haven't died yet

Sure feels like I'll suffocate. People liken it to breathing through a straw and yep I've sure felt that a lot. I also noticed it gets worse when I use perfume so that leads me to think it could be that more...

Nothing is helping today. I've tried staying distracted by playing games but no, ofc it's 70 degrees... is that normal in march?? I don't even know anymore. It's supposed to get to 80 on thursday. My only hope is that the conditioner my parents are lending me will work better than the shitty window fan in literally one room in my apartment.

I don't want to go back there. Realistically I know I have to, I still have a lot of stuff I'd need to throw out before I could move, and if I did move... where?? There's nowhere to go. I could move to an apartment in the state my parents are moving to but they're in the process of moving in and it could take like half a year or longer for them to fully move in, and even then I don't know if they plan to stay there or only go there in a specific season.

My sister isn't that far from the apartment, maybe 20 mins ish, but she works and I don't know her schedule, plus she has kids and will probably not be available most of the time if I have a bad panic attack or there's some kind of emergency

Everything is just so fucked right now. The economy is in shambles, women's rights are getting stripped away more and more every day, we're on the brink of like multiple wars and I'm just trying to get through my last semester and don't know if I can due to all this shit plus my dyscalculia

Even if I do... what then?? I don't have a plan for my future. I would never make it as a therapist. I would never make it as any of my other dream jobs through the years. The only thing I can think of is some computer science job but my eyes cross when trying to do that, I'm the opposite of logic-minded, I really just have no skills or passions or anything to set me apart

And my blood pressure keeps getting high for some reason. I know it's probably the anxiety but what the fuck am I supposed to do about that??? I tried therapy for half a year and it didn't help, might've made it worse bc she kept saying I should just give up and go on disability (which as we know would probably just lead to poverty) I can't get on meds because the ones I've tried make me suicidal (er) and I've tried healthy eating + exercising as much as I can considering I can't do anything more than walking and guess what??? I still have anxiety

I just want to live with my parents forever but even if I did, they're still going to die someday. Everyone I love is going to die and I'm going to be alone and/or abandoned again and again and again. It's be just like danny all over again.

Like genuinely what am I even alive for?? People always say it gets better and sure it does... for a while. Then I end up back at rock bottom. And I always will. Because I'm a failure

#irl stuff #vent #tw anxiety #suicide mention #tw depression

[lesbians4robots-remaking]

sorry I'm posting this here bc I don't feel like having to worry abt charscter limit on my priv twitter so. warning for mentions of fatphobia.

to start off. I am not thin. I have a big chest, wide hips, and am by no means skinny in the slightest. this isn't something I can do anything about (nor do I WANT to, despite what my head tells me) and it's literally just my body type. anyways thinking about this one time months and months ago where I was planning to go scour green bay's shopping districts (I live in a small town there are zero malls within an hour radius) to buy new bras bc mine were falling tf apart bc I haven't gotten new ones in like 2 years. normal stores like walmart etc don't go past 38DD so I have to go to the expensive ass stores like nordstrom bc they're literally the only place that sells my size (I'm 40G). so ofc that was my 1st stop and lo and behold they have NOTHING in stock above DDD. I ask if they someone have 40G, they tell me no and I'd have to order online so I buy a dress and leave. I was bored n wanted to go shopping (would ruin my finances btw I was making $14/hr only working 20 hours a week) so I went to the mall and went to the underwear stores there. like. SOMEONE has to have SOMETHING right. ofc every clothes store in malls is made for skinny conventionally attractive people so they didn't. I asked. not even joking the employees at victoria's secret scoffed at me and said no like I was crazy when I asked if they had 40G. like.. okay thanks. my literal only option was to buy them online but here's the thing. that shit is EXPENSIVE. I paid $200 for literally 3 bras and 2 pairs of underwear. $200. for something my step-mom went to the grocery atore and got for $25. you can see why I wear mine out before buying new ones. anyways that was a lot longer than I wanted but I feel like that says a loooot about how fat people are viewed by society. our bare needs are over 5 times more expensive than everyone else's. and most of the time we're used as a "look how diverse we are we have a plus size section!!!" type of marketing. usually that section doesn't even have any variety at all and is super small. compared to. I don't know. an entire store's worth of clothes made for thin people. it really feels like we're just a second thought to everyone. but that's just my humble onion idk

#fatphobia #feel free to rb I guess but god. this was waaaay longer than I wanted. whatever tho