#I'm not even sure right now if the fleeting connection is necessarily a bad thing

[ricoka]

I see a lot of compassion for (fanfic) writers lately and I'm glad about it. I didn't wish it any other way. It takes a lot of time and a lot of research and practice. It's a lot of work, it should be honoured.

I still wish this compassion and understanding extended more towards (fan) artists as well.

People interact longer with written words and it's easier to genuinely connect with it for most people. And I often get the feeling that most people know by now as well that a lot of work goes into it. But I still don't always get the impression that people realise the same thing is true for art. You just end up looking at it for a few seconds. A few minutes if it really catches your eye, or several times if it speaks to you enough to turn it into your lock screen. But the interaction is so brief and fleeting in most cases. And I get the impression that as an artist you're not allowed to complain over not feeling valued. you're not allowed to air your grievances, or people will just block you and not reblog from you again because there's someone else, someone better, already around the corner.

#just contemplating because of the post i reblogged a few minutes ago #I'm not even sure right now if the fleeting connection is necessarily a bad thing #it's just the nature of it #it's not rewarding for a lot of people #it just is #this also brought up something i thought about earlier when i was doing some lurking in an art discord #where someone made major improvements in just a few months #it's not going to keep me from it #but i do sometimes wonder if some people are just made to make art and have a way easier time #am I doing something wrong? should i be doing something else? #though to be fair i struggled with basically every hobby i ever picked up #nothing seems to come naturally to me

[septembersghost]

I'm confused as to why ppl think things can't have a happy ending. brba did have a happy ending. walt dies but was going to die anyway. he died saving jesse and had it set up to give the money to his family. like how could there have been a happier ending?bob said a chance at a 2nd life and that teaser of after all this, a happy ending? I'm sorry, but why the hell not. if ppl are punished then why can't they have their one true love? pretty sure the lesson has been learned.

you're preaching to the choir tbh, i am always a proponent of an earned happy ending, and "happy" can have a lot of different definitions. i don't necessarily think we're owed that in any given story, but i do fiercely believe we deserve narratively satisfying endings. i've written about this many times, but when i've hated and been very hurt by endings, it's not because they're tragic, it's because they're not satisfying and don't feel right for the stories' and characters' conclusions. tragedy can be beautiful and affecting and important, but it has to mean something, not be a last minute sadistic swerve to shock and hurt your audience. i probably have tons of posts about this, but i'm going to link these: 1, 2, 3 because they all very much speak to this idea.

i was just talking to @kendalroys about the ending of breaking bad - i think it's almost underappreciated now how much humanity and even hope is in that ending, after the oppressive darkness of the rest of the story. (granite state is, to me, by far the bleakest episode of the whole show, and felina is the denouement rising out of it again.) there could've been FAR more upsetting endings, but they didn't do that. like you said, walt manages to get his money to the schwartzes, he sees skyler and is able to give her some measure of closure, along with the coordinates to find hank and gomez's burial site (which is very sad, but better than leaving them unknown out there), he sees holly one last time, and flynn from afar (say what you will about walt, i never doubt he does love his children), and then he heads off to the nazi compound with his m60 in the trunk. he realizes jesse - his partner, his victim, his surrogate family, the person to whom he's most closely connected throughout the narrative - is a captive, and rescues him as he takes all of the nazis out (and they are so evil that we are geared to root for their deaths). his plan works. he dies entirely on his own terms (he's dying already, but wasting away from the cancer in jail would definitely have been a worse ending from walt's point of view), shot by his own weapon, standing in the lab amongst the chemistry that he put above everything. even after all he did and the depths he sunk to, there's still a shred of the person he was in his final actions. it's an oddly triumphant ending for him. jesse speeds away screaming into the night, and the coda of el camino resolves that fully, lets us know he escapes quietly into the light, with a long road of recovery doubtless ahead of him, but a feeling that he is going to find that.

the reason it's hailed as one of the best endings of any show is because it's narratively satisfying. it doesn't have to be nihilistic. it doesn't have to be punishing. it's a moving conclusion for its characters.

as a student of tolkien, i personally love/cling to his concept of the eucatastrophe - that moment when all hope seems lost, and then there is a turn of catharsis and joy. he meant it in the context of fantasy (as a genre), but it can be applied to fiction more broadly.

What made a good [story] not just enjoyable or aesthetically stimulating, but deeply moving? What did all good stories have in common? Eucatastrophe “is a sudden and miraculous grace [...] It does not deny the existence of dyscatastrophe, of sorrow and failure: the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of deliverance; it denies… universal final defeat...giving a fleeting glimpse of joy...poignant as grief.

joy sometimes is seen as...lesser, or childish, or not as profound and mature as grief, and i just don't believe that or think it's a fair assessment. like i said in my other post earlier, hope can't exist without grief, the meaning of both functions together.

i'm wary about how much i say because i've been harassed about this (by another fandom entirely lol), and logically i KNOW bcs is very rooted in noir, and noir tends to be enigmatic in its conclusions at best, but bcs is also (i know i am a broken record here, but it's true!) a love story! that distinguishes it, that's something special about it. and it's part of this same universe they've built hand-in-hand with breaking bad and el camino, and i simply refuse to think that they're going to end bcs on a sadder or more desolate note for jimmy and kim, after everything we've been through with them, after how carefully they've layered their characters and their relationship all these years, than what happened to walt and jesse. i also don't think these writers are into relative moralism and teaching the audience some "lesson" and punishing us for loving morally complicated characters (which is, like, one of my LEAST favorite approaches from storytelling. don't build a story where i'm meant to feel empathy for complex people and then tell me i was wrong to feel it!).

if ppl are punished then why can't they have their one true love? pretty sure the lesson has been learned. right. they have been punished, they have suffered repercussions for their bad actions. i'd let them have each other and their love back if i could decide. <3

#better call saul #bcs spoilers #breaking bad #jimmy mcgill #kim wexler #anonymous #letterbox #*

[fire-is-alive]

Its unclear to even myself whether I'm retreating aggressive or this is simply the path I take. Neither is necessarily wrong but they come with consequences. I retreat within and I contract. Maybe even push away.

I'm not in a bad place but I'm using my energy to keep it together while hitting my goals. And maybe thats part of it. In the 4 sectors of my life, my social life has little to maybe even no goals. I'm not sure how to feel about it. At a glance it seems cold but unnecessary. I want to communicate better. My needs but also extend my hand, because of course others need it too. Especially those who have earned my loyalty. Loyalty and trust are earned I've learned. But anyway. There aren't any "major" ones. Its something I'll have to work on implementing eventually though.

A part of me though is finding hard not to judge or hold expectations, yet find where I no longer want a part of that life. I want to forge in a different direction. My priorities are to what I can fulfill for myself and what I am actively creating. I'm curating a path that is genuine to myself and it's taking everything I have to make it a reality. I have this optimism behind it because even if I go down all these weird winding roads, I'll end up where I need to be because I do know what I want to do now. My passions have been lit. I can sustain these harsh work conditions, the poorest of situations BECAUSE I can see what I am working towards. I finally have a vision.

But this is coming at a cost to my relationships I'd say. I do feel lonely at times. I haven't been a stranger to that, but when I think about a new revelation or something to entrust, there is nowhere I feel comfortable going. And ultimately, no one can understand this path. Eventually I want to open up but right nkw my intuition tells me to keep it all to the self. Its important.

But I do wish to connect. I know I could if I put more effort. If I did something about it, but when I weigh the options, what I want is the priority. My dreams, my inspiration, my passions aren't something that can be taken away. People are unreliable. I don't want to hold them to standards or expectations but I guess its the Capricorn in me. I hold myself to an extreme standard and tend to expect the same. I know its not fair. Its something I'm working on, to just accept people as is. But that acceptance comes with knowing that more than likely, nothing lasts. Nothing is reliable. Only what i do know about myself, the things I can create.

Maybe I'm justifying this loneliness. Its not harrowing, its not debilitating. But for a long time I have desired to connect with others. I do care, very deeply. Too deeply maybe. And I suppose thats part of the reason I don't. I cant afford to pour my energy into the unreliable. So I'd rather be lonely but know I'm creating everything I ever desired. Except for intimacy. But that will be a work in progress, when I can spare some extra.

I appreciate the tender moments I have with peoppe, even strangers. I have a deep appreciation for people actually. And I wish I could take it further often times. My feelings towarss others arw genuine even if sometimes I have a mistrust because of the unreliability. But I know we are all human. I forgive, mostly. I love the kindness and laughter. I am so grateful for the small moments. And if I can feel that, maybe one day I can learn to let go and build that trust. Or at least allow others to take up space in my world. Its something I'll eventually get to. For now, I'm loving the small wins, the fleeting moments of loving humanity.

Its a lit candle in the darkness.