#I'm gonna make dinner for my family and then I'll feel better skskskskk

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

it's like. everything happens so much. it's all happening right now but at the same time nothing is happening whatsoever. it's a liminal space of an existence. it's slowly crushing me under the weight but when I look up there's nothing actually bearing down on me. there shouldn't be any weight. something is wrong but nothing has happened. I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and utterly bored. nothing is happening and maybe that's the everything that's happening. maybe the everything is the nothing. we aren't there yet but it's all so imminent. either everything is going to crash down or nothing is. I'm just waiting to figure out which.

#I refuse to be upset at anyone. I have so much love in my heart #but I'm going to pack formal clothes for my sister in my own bag just in case. she doesn't need to know that. #you couldn't pay me to care or to stop caring. it's cognitive dissonance #because I know this won't always affect me but it's my whole world right now #I say I don't care and I mean it but at the same time I care more than anything else #it's actually almost scary how much I relate to dark alley #not in a ''I'm in a mentally dark or dangerous place'' way but in a ''yeah I compare myself to others too much'' way #and then I try to make excuses so it can make sense to other people so they won't think the worst of me #like literally I'm trying not to think about fall but it's right around the corner and I'm. falling into it I guess #pun intended of course. I don't want to lose all my friends #I want to be one of the kids who gets invited to people's houses for lunch after church and I know I never will be #because that's the kind of thing that's only for the kids who are going someplace. not the ones who stay #I'm feeling very selfish and it's probably bc I'm tired lol this happens sometimes #I'm gonna make dinner for my family and then I'll feel better skskskskk #Lu rambles #sometimes I think I could write poetry #I feel like once my vacation is actually imminent I'll feel better I just haaate the point we're at right now #which is like. it's SOON but not THAT SOON so I feel like I can't do anything bc I'm just waiting for things to get going :/