#I'm fine I'm fine but the seasonal depression kicking in just refreshed this sadness that I'd made peace with

[mod2amaryllis]

tiny dumb VENT gross

UGH I'm just venting cuz i never thought I'd be in this mindset but huge part of my depression is that in September we were all ready and excited to start trying for kids, got my iud out, only to find out that one of my migraine injections would require us to wait for FIVE FUCKING MONTHS to conceive. fully taking the wind out of our sails. that is a long fucking time when you're already anticipating it could take that long or longer to successfully conceive.

meanwhile i have a coworker who's accidentally pregnant, going through it in misery, didn't want it, not really looking forward to it. this is NOT me complaining about her attitude, we're very close and i think the stuff she's put up with while pregnant is badass. this vent is that I'm so stupidly frustratingly jealous. and i never ever ever in a million years thought I'd be that person. and this coworker knows and agrees with me LOL we always joke that we need to switch situations NOW. UFFGGGH VENT VENT VENT but just. in my real life I'm open about this stuff, i willingly have given my bosses timelines of, hey, this is how we're family planning so this is how long I'll still be able to do surgeries, and those conversations are always met positively, so everyone was bummed on my behalf that now I'm stuck waiting thanks to my stupid fucking migraines and I'm just GRRRR

I'm jealous I'm jealous I'm jealous, and there's no one to blame, everyone is kind to me, i just have to sit in my unfair feelings while my coworker complains about this stuff that for the first time in my life I'm actively longing for. which is also not to belittle how much pregnancy will suck, it's just. i want that part of my life to start so bad.

we waited a good long time on purpose and are so happy we did, highly recommend, but now that i have to wait NOT by choice, it's weird quiet depression time, i feel stuck.

ok nice to get the words out back to work

#I'm fine I'm fine but the seasonal depression kicking in just refreshed this sadness that I'd made peace with #I'm halfway there 2.5 months down #i always feel like i shouldn't post about it cuz i hate. HATE. the general online parenting scene. #i get paranoid that it'll verge into topics of femininity or the sanctity of motherhood when it's not about that it's just about my sadness #m2a