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#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up
zebratimw
·
11 months
Text
Spirit animal SQH
#svsss
#shang qinghua
#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but
#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee
#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but
#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg
#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left
#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something
#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird
#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm
#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either
#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself
#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...
#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up
#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa
#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong
#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk
#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment
#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig
#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down
#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀
#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...
#just the ol regulars yknow?
#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?
#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?
#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?
#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?
#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications
#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly
#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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