#I don't want sympathy or anything just need to vent to people that 'hopefully' understand bc I know I'm not the only one feeling this way

[whatimdoing-here]

Word vomit shit seizures under cut

Had a seizure last night. It'd been over a year so definitely a reminder of exactly what sucks about having them. Killer headache this morning, body being very very sore. The frustration initially when releasing I have a million thoughts in my head but I can't completely talk or understand for 20-30 min afterwards. The continued frustration afterwards knowing that now I can't drive, at least for awhile, and am now completely dependent on others for that again. The last seven years or so especially, my happy place is going out by myself, and getting coffee. Or going out by myself and going shopping. So now I can't. Not sure if I'll wait The whole six months, but it needs to be some time. And I definitely will not be driving long distances the next six months so there goes driving to Chicago in the late winter/early spring. And Columbia next month.

The anxiety for the next... Months as they're more likely to happen after one happens. The brain fog. Today a new one is I now feel like I'm getting sick because something has been going around the house and seems like not breathing for two minutes exasperated it. Imagine.

There's frustration because I can't pinpoint anything that would have given me warning except right before. Didn't miss meds, not ridiculously stressed out or overtired. Being on my period seems to unfortunately be a trigger.

There's also a new feeling of hopelessness. As I try to decide... If or how or what to do about my marriage as I struggle to figure out my feelings, this is a reminder that he knows what to do, how to stay calm, be there for me. It's also causing him mental harm, seeing me like that. It doesn't feel like I can leave him. It increases my chances of something really bad happening to me. I was on the floor when it happened, but definitely hadn't made my way to laying down because I was convinced I could stop the train that was coming.

The second one that has happened at night, but not when I was sleeping. It's one thing if I'm sleeping already. It's tough to deal with it and then be awake and text people like "lolz sorry I didn't respond I had a seizure". I don't want to hide them from my people. But it's still weird.

Thankfully our plans today got cancelled. I was going to do a lot of housework, but truly feel pretty shitty both mentally and physically. so I'll do some but probably stay in bed or recliner a lot. Emotionally even though I cried some when ya know I couldn't talk last night, I'm feeling pretty emotional again. It just really sucks and I hate it.

But now I'll say I'm thankful that it's not worse. The fact that it's been over a year (since a big one, I'm having multiple partial ones a month) is good. And I really hadn't made any changes to meds before that even, so hopefully things are still under control and it just was a one time for awhile thing. Guess we'll see. Maybe between the computers and reading on my kindle it's been too much screen for me. Or really my water to caffeine ratio wasn't great yesterday.

Truly one of the weirdest effects is that I am super sensitive to cold, touch and taste, for days after. It's like extra cold.

Venting done.

Thankful for this place and my people. And to any of those people reading I hope you know that I don't tell you looking for sympathy, I tell you so you're aware.

#personal nonsense