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#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.
candlebel
·
2 months
Text
I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.
#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you.
#I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible.
#I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me.
#I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth.
#I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely.
#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin
#I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't...
#I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it
#or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away...
#to this day...
#I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again
#I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that.
#I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY
#that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back
#that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed.
#“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again.
#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.
#I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did.
#The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement.
#Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF.
#You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do.
#I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha
#No I do not look at your blogs.
#The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one.
#I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel
#safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time.
#I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore.
#And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry...
#I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too...
#vent
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