#And also to some degree distrust and the assumption my presence is unwanted. Which I've been working on a lot!

[slugandthorn]

Putting my journal down realizing maybe I shouldn't make a written plan to socialize more efficiently

#.txt #Is efficiently the right word. Diary entry incoming. #Going back and forth in recent days with feeling okay with one sided social stimulation and that's just kind of how my brain works #And recognizing I will not look like a well rounded person because I'm not able to maintain other people's interest in an acquaintanceship #It is likely. At least some part due to like labor isolation and all I do is work I do not have life events to interest people #All I can talk about is video games but incredibly limits the social pool because I like bad games. #And also to some degree distrust and the assumption my presence is unwanted. Which I've been working on a lot! #Today in particular is probably just a bad day. #And I have been very focused on life plans for the past week or so which has become very daunting #Planning on starting a business this year. Which is probably why I'm stressing about being able to reach people. #As it will become financially relevant and not just a personal failing I have accepted. #Reasonably it is probably a therapy thing to address being so afraid of other people. But I do not want to go to therapyyyy I'll do it. #Myself. #Normally. #Not dipping into woe is me I have no one territory at least as bad as I did when I was younger. Recognizing a pattern that I am enacting. #My responsibility to improve. Yada yada. I just wish it was a bit easier to feel my like. Presence. #And the constant improvement mindset straying into never good enough is very difficult to avoid. #And it's not a matter of being a good enough person to have close relationships. But I think its easiest to ascribe personal failure #When you are unable to do something. Well the most likely culprit is probably never leaving the house and being undiagnosed. #Which I can arguably do things about. #Also I'm tired. But I'm going to work on my resume tonight anyway and hope tummy pain passes and maybe talking to people will be easier #Another day.