#Anchesh on the other hand would still absolutely be a kind person if he wasn't traumatized but his giving is defined by that trauma

[void-botanist]

Rose's Kiss Week Day 5: Lonely

OCs: Marcus Asalun (aka Anchesh Pabat) and Gren Orech-Pabat

Words: 1335

Content warnings: mentions of family health issues

Notes: this takes place six months after Anchesh married his last spouse, human himbo Gren.

At the other end of the sofa, Gren sighed for the tenth time in as many minutes.  He was staring off at the other end of the room, chin propped up in one big hand, and more than likely didn’t even realize he sounded so despondent.  

“How are you doing?” Anchesh asked.

“I’m fine.  It’s just lonely without Yera.”

Probably it was best not to talk too much about Yera, because Gren would only get sadder if he started thinking about why Yera was out of town and how stressed she must be.  Instead Anchesh put aside his knitting.  

“I’m probably not as good at cuddling as Yera,” he said, moving to the cushion next to Gren, “but I’m here.”

Gren instantly pivoted and deflated into his lap, settling one cheek against his thigh and a hand over his knee.  Today Gren’s hair was held in a bunlike fold with just an alligator clip, which Anchesh gently pulled out and set on the open cushion beside him.  Then he combed his fingers back through Gren’s loose locks.

“I feel bad being lonely,” Gren murmured.  “Her family needs her way more than I do, and I’m not alone here.”

“You’re her family too,” Anchesh answered in the same low tone.  “And it doesn’t feel the same, not having her here.”

“Yeah.”  Gren squeezed his leg a little, like he needed something to cling to.  

Anchesh let Gren’s hair slip through his fingers over and over, massaging Gren’s scalp with each draw.  Truth be told, he was worried about Yera too.  She would be fine, unless her father got worse.  He probably wouldn’t die, not yet, but the wondering and waiting felt unsettling enough for him at home—it must be awful for her.  She was right to have the rest of them stay behind, except Hossan, because sooner or later they’d all be at loose ends and end up making her feel worse.  But he still wished he could be there to hold her and talk to her, probably just the same as Gren.  

“Maybe I don’t spend enough time with the rest of you,” Gren said suddenly.  “Especially you.”

“I don’t mind how much time you spend with Yera and Hossan,” Anchesh answered.

“Yeah, but—” Gren rose from his lap, slowly enough that he didn’t pull his own hair in Anchesh’s hands.  With his hair pushed behind his ears, he said, “I’m your husband too.  And you don’t get tired of me like Pali does.  I would leave you alone if you wanted me to but you’ve never told me to do that.”

Anchesh handed him the alligator clip.  “I mean, I’m happy to spend more time with you.  I just don’t want you to worry too much about it.”

Gren stared at nothing while he smoothed his hair back into a ponytail and clipped it there.  Then he continued looking at some spot further down the sofa.  “Anchesh...do you love me?”

It was a serious question that deserved a serious answer, but Anchesh was distracted by the plaintiveness of Gren’s voice.  Had this been worrying him for the last six months?  

Gren waited two seconds before adding, “Not like you love Yera or Umedes, but...”

He took Gren’s hand from his lap, and Gren looked up.  “I do love you, Gren.  You’re my friend.  And my husband.  And I’m glad I married you.”

“Really?”  He didn’t seem entirely convinced.

“Really.  I would have married you just for Yera and Hossan, but I like having you around too.  You’re so bright, and lovely, and you always make sure we have what we need.  And—”

“I think Pali does that.”

“Pali doesn’t keep everyone upbeat,” Anchesh said.  “And she’s definitely not good at making sure we all rest, especially not herself.  I think she’s gotten more sleep in the six months you’ve been here than she has since I married her.”  Gren didn’t say anything, so he kept going.  “We need someone who’s as thoughtful as you are.  I need someone who is.”  An almost melancholy gratitude welled up in him, and he tried to figure out how to put words to it.  He wasn’t sure that Gren understood how much he made life more bearable.  He wasn’t sure any of his spouses did, even though he didn’t know where he’d be without them.  He loved all of them, and he needed all of them, and on some level he needed Gren, the only one who wasn’t at least a little wrapped up in politics and particularities, most of all.  He put his other hand over Gren’s.  “You mean a lot to me, Gren.”

“Do you think you could say that more?  Not that, but like, ‘I love you’?”

When was the last time he’d told Gren he loved him?  Even if he didn’t remember exactly, he had a feeling it had been days, or weeks.  He’d decided without thinking about it that Gren didn’t really need to hear it, and he definitely didn’t need to hear it from him, arguably Gren’s least favorite spouse aside from Pali.  

“Of course I can,” he said, rubbing his thumb over the back of Gren’s hand.  “I’m sorry I haven’t said it very much.”

“It’s okay.”  Gren put his other hand on top of Anchesh’s.  Then he dropped his cheek against Anchesh’s shoulder.  

“You know you can always tell me about your feelings,” Anchesh said.

“You don’t tell me about yours,” Gren said.  “Except in bed, kinda.”

“Do you want to know about my feelings?”

“Yes!”  Gren lifted his head and his face was all exasperation.  “I know I don’t understand all of the things you do but I can understand how you feel!”

“Most of my feelings aren’t good.”  And it would be cruel to burden someone like Gren with them.

“I still want to know,” Gren said.  “I just want to be there for you, but I never know what’s going on with you.”

He’d given up on being there for Gren because it was obvious Gren didn’t need him, and he couldn’t keep track of the constantly shifting world he lived in with Yera and Hossan.  “While Yera and Hossan are gone, maybe we should focus on that.  Being there for each other.”

“I’d like that.”  Gren’s eyes fell to their hands, and Anchesh thought he could see a blush rising in his cheeks.  “I’d also like to kiss you more.”

“You can kiss me whenever you want.”  He felt like he meant that the most of anything he’d said so far.  Gren raised his head and went straight to softly touching his lips to Anchesh’s, his mustache tickling at Anchesh’s smooth-shaven upper lip.

On the next kiss his hand caressed the curve of Anchesh’s neck, and then he untangled his other hand from Anchesh’s and threw both arms around his neck, and when that apparently wasn’t enough he broke the kiss and fully straddled Anchesh’s thighs, hunching a little to reach his lips.  Anchesh tilted his head further back in turn, feeling the pleasant tension of his horns pressing against the back of the sofa.  Despite his position, Gren didn’t seem like he was trying to be seductive.  He kissed Anchesh to savor him, like he was fresh water on Gren’s parched tongue, a tongue carefully exploring the contours of Anchesh’s.  He was in no rush, and his skin was warm against Anchesh’s where they touched, Gren’s feet pressed against his knees, hands along the edge of his neckline, soft lips drinking him in.  Anchesh let his hands run back over Gren’s thighs, his hips, to the bare, fuzzy skin at his midriff, and held on there.  

When Gren pulled back at long last, his breath was edged with gasps, and so was Anchesh’s.

“I love you, Anchesh.  I love you so much.”

Without a word, they pulled each other close, Anchesh wrapping his arms around Gren’s back as he leaned forward to press his cheek against Gren’s shoulder.

“I love you too, Gren.”

RKW taglist: @vacantgodling @jezifster @kk7-rbs

#spoiler alert: Yera's father does not die and is still alive when Anchesh returns from Rade years later #Yera comes back and is like “what have you two been up to hmm” and they're like “literally we just talked about our feelings” #as I was writing this I had this realization that Anchesh and Gren are givers but for two different reasons and this brings them conflict #Gren is just Like That. his whole identity is based around giving. it comes with the himbo archetype #but also he doesn't see any reason to be selfish. he is fundamentally a lover in the same way Tatya is #Anchesh on the other hand would still absolutely be a kind person if he wasn't traumatized but his giving is defined by that trauma #he gives because he doesn't want to be like his mother. doesn't want to make his internal life everyone else's problem #but he also has been taught by his mother that his only value is in what he can give and how he can support other people's needs (hers) #so he minimizes himself expertly. even when he shouldn't. because it's kinder not to be outwardly depressed - right? #because it's better not to be the burden that he knows he is - right? #I didn't intend for these scenes to trace Anchesh's descent into further depression #but like. it's kind of hard not to trace that line. it informs so much about his relationships and what he struggles with in them #anyway ren here's a feast lol #c: Marcus #c: Gren #wip: iecunem #rose brambles #rose's kiss week #rose writ