#AND I DONT EVEN NEED AN ART SCHOOL DIPLOMA BC GUESS WHAT. I WANT TO DO THEATER. THIS IS USELESS.

[frogndtoad]

.shoutout to the wonderful katia @mayleavestars​ for tagging  me(me?) 

i started this a while back but the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme is killign me so it took a whole month to finish, also not writing qs bc the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme is still after me

1. what’s a music album u think is a vital piece of art that u could write a paper about if you wanted to

i mean im already planning to formalize my analysis of Melodrama (2017) from shouty dms over winter break or whenever i have time to write heartfelt essays on random topics so that i guess. also probably The Monitor by Titus Andronicus 

2. a thing you like about the month of november

cranberry muffins!! also sometimes it’s almost cold enough to actually justify wearing a large sweater or jacket which is wonderful. leaves would be cool but we dont get much of that down here in gatorland usa

3. favorite theater experience

over the summer my family took a roadtrip up the east coast to new york and spent one whole day In The City and my brother and i got discount tickets for great comet and it was... absolutely stunning. even in almost the last row of the theater i was able to make eye contact with a fiddle player dancing through the aisles which was rlly cool, and i could probably ramble for a lot longer but i should be waxing poetic about hexaflexagons so i wont

4. if you could travel to any time period where would you go and what would u see

my basest instincts say go hang with sappho but also that may be the late night WannaKissAGirl(or other things with girl) speaking since i only put time into this late at night when avoiding school 

5. who’s a historical figure you would physically fight given the chance

there’s a lot but especially sigmund freud and victor hugo

6. excluding technology, what physical possession of yours do you most value

once again cant decide but up there are: watercolor set, concert ukulele, flute, library card

7. if you had to spend a day in the life of your twelve-year-old self what would you do

enjoy having fun band and art class, stand up for myself, maybe talk to the intimidating good at art weebs. sleep.

8. if you could live literally anywhere where would you go

somewhere with cool trees and a decent library. maybe the middle of the swamp if i could do it sustainably and also find places to paint and read and make 50 hats for the alligators

9. you can rescue one dead fictional character, fundamentally altering the canon of the established work but not altering the timeline of real life in any way. who do you pick

shit this is.. hard. rescue as in pluck out before death, or just revive? bc my ever-approaching orals urge me to say ophelia but also “denmark is a prison” and shes a main victim of this so i wouldnt do that to her. maybe ellie from up? i would love to see how that affects the canon to have such a formative aspect altered and also shes just a cool gal

10. what songs would you use to describe your mood of the moment

mvt 1 of poulenc’s flute sonata is not the mood but is running thru my head ceaselessly nonetheless. this year is a big one rnow but tbh when is it not; i’ve listened to mal blum’s dysmorphic a lot today and yesterday to the point where i finally said fuck it and pressed onto single song repeat (probably not good idea but is still good song). also the re-release of beach life-in-death. good to scream to, good to bounce to, kind of a song to live to rnow at least.

11. rank the star trek captains from best to worst using whatever pre-existing information you have about star trek captains; if you need to, look them up and rank them based solely based on the vibe you get from them.

ok i never actually made time to watch any trek and all i know captain-wise is a lot of ppl ship kirk and spock and also janeway is a gal whcih is cool but anyway solely from vibe from their memory-alpha dot wikia dot com pics: janeway, sisko, georgiou, kirk, picard, robau, pike, lorca, archer (last 2 had tied vibes but i like lorca’s name bc garcia lorca is cool)

#capital Stuff

[inactive-mermaid-in-a-trash-can]

vent pls ignore

i miss him so much i wish he meant the things he said because it feels like he did at the time but it changed and he didnt say anything and i asked him i asked whats wrong are you mad because i could feel it i could feel something was wrong but i cant tell bc ive never even kissed a boy god knows this is the closest ive ever been to a fucking relationship by miles i dont understand him at all its like he was scared to be alone with me but missed me every damn day and i told him i was honest he deserved to know, someone as overwhelmingly more experienced, that i’ve never done anything like this before he knew that and he told me he fell in love with me when we met and i wasnt ready and i dont even think thats true anymore and he woke me up to tell me he was in love with me and two weeks later!! two  fucking  weeks he just wants a hookup and i want to give him the world what did i do he wont even tell me i tried i asked him and he ignored me for hours and didnt even give me an answer by the end of it school is awful i knew i had depression but this... i dont know how to handle this im crying right now out of the blue not because of stress not because i was yelled at but im just fuckign sad so overwhelmingly sad i can drown it out i cant escape it the ways i used to and im pretty sure i got anxiety now too i wake uop every morning scared that i have to go to school it doesnt end and i wont ever end i feel sufficated and i have the most free time now then i will ever again for the rest of life i dont know what to do it feels like im wasting my youth bc how rigioursous my courses are but idont want to drop them because I want to do well bc im capable im fucking capable but at what cost every day is stressful and i get home and take unhealthily long naps and then cant fall asleep until past midnight i dropped my friends but i picked a fight with the wrong people and i dont fw anyone in my classes i cant be there for my best friend and now theyre finding new friends like they do every year which i have literally never been able to do and hes going to parties and has MULITPLE GUYS INTO HIM but still gets to say he thinks hes unattractive and basically doing everything highschool thing i thought only happens in movies and i have no friends i do nothing outside of school the one guy whose ever liked me back realized i wasnt enough and i wasnt worth it and its unfair hes so attractive and he was crazy popular in highschool and by all means should have been comprehensive of whatever the fuck it is we had like he was older and crazy hot and ive been complemented on my looks my a stranger exactly one time by a stranger and i remember it vividly bc no one has ever called me cute but he called me cute and said i was beautiful and he loved me bc i like him for who he was but isnt it fucking ironic that he never cared about me like i know so much about him bc i CARED I FUCKING CARED AND I ASKED BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW I GENIUNELY WANTED TO KNOW HIM AS A PERSON and he never asked me a fucking thing. he never asked about what music I liked or the what I was studying in school or what I wanted to do after highschool. he never cared he never bothered to ask i shouldve known bc when he told me i said!! i said we dont know eachother!!! and he let his emotions get ahead of him and cant even let me have fucking closure... two weeks... what did i fucking do... he isnt a great guy i dont think a relationship w him would b all that great... but i miss his touch i miss the attention i miss jsut feeling fucking wanted its hard to love yourself when it feels like no one has ever liked you your entire life for a goddamn reason. i know im stubborn i know i have strong opinions i know i dont act like a girl i know i dont act like a boy i know i look funny i know im not pretty I KNOW. sure im cute from a distance i guess. I dont click with anyone im an art kid at heart but im not artsy any more i still dress emo and my music is just basic alternative im not into anything intresting at all. im not intresting. Im not worth it to anyone i dont know what im fighting so hard for. i need to keep my grades up because if i dont and i end up figuring things out in the end but i cant do it bc of my grades id hate myself for the rest of my life im just.. trying to keep my oppurtunities open... but i just.. wish it were easier. i might have to drop my courses and not do the diploma i wanted.. but i can do an entire year of this... im not even studying for my SATS or applying to colleges yet. i dont have the energy to hang out with the one friend i have and i dont have to time to draw or play ow i just. im not enjoying my life. im young and im fucking wasting it. i hate this. i just want to be happy. i just want to be happy. why am i sad. its been a month it isnt just him i didnt fail a test it isnt my grades im not stress crying it isnt homework my relationship with my parents is better then ever it isnt them. maybe it is him. or at least hugging him seems like it would make everything better. fuck it really is him haha. it isnt even really his fault. he cant help if his feelings changed. i guess he was scared too. i hate him i love him i hate him i love him. i miss him. god i dont even know what i want i dont even want him i want how he made me feel. loved wanted pretty attractive. i fucked up