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theroadfromustome · 5 years

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Mile 78

Yikes it has been over a month since I have updated here. In fact, a month and a half. Gotta get on that--esp. as reflection and processing would very likely benefit me on a regular basis. Stopping (at work again) to document the disquiet I currently feel bc I want to capture it in the moment.

Lots of things have happened; P has happened. He has been a focus of my waking hours; I have been the inhabitant of his embrace and the recipient of his letters when he has been overseas. He has met my son, and is completely charming him. He is beginning the process of sincere, long-term investment in the both of us. This of course stirs my heart in the best of ways, but also I think frightens me on some level. Things have shifted into high gear, and with that my attitude and anxiety have shifted as well.

In the space of time since last I wrote, P and I went on our first excursion together; to D.C. overnight to determine if we could travel together. I experienced the first of his migraines; and had one of my earliest attacks of the inadequacy cycle. I cried in his arms and explained all my fears and he held me and combated them as best he knew how. That time it was: This is a swanky hotel and this is the way he lives all the time. I have never stayed in hotel this nice and this is normal to him. He lives such a sophisticated life; he is a wealthy worldly genius. What does he want with me?

Then, he went to Turkey for a week for work, and wrote while he was gone of course. When he came back I met his parents for the first time; and the second attack of inadequacy hit. My mother was also present; in all of her family drama glory (I said recently that I felt my family was rather like the Bennetts, to which he chuckled and said that was not entirely inaccurate). After this encounter, which admittedly was not exactly a cozy one-on-one chat, his mother was noncommittal when asked about me. This time it was: His mother doesn’t like me. Maybe it’s because I come with so much bloody baggage. Like the fact that I’m still legally married or the fact that I’m going to be a divorcee or my mother’s drama which makes us a family of kooks (are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?!). Again, dear P rallied, dried my tears, and told me that he would choose me over his family if it came to it. And that his mom might just be nervous.

September rolled in and he asked to meet my son. We had the most charming afternoon/evening in which he was everything a woman hopes a man will be to her son and more. He devoted himself to son’s amusement, backed up my disciplinary judgements, and I got to experience the sublime pleasure of having a second adult invested in the care and welfare of my child. There was also the pleasure of being allies in the cause. As I say, son is as besotted as I am. Since, he has made a great many shows of sincere interest and vested concern for son’s well-being. And spoiled him some too, of course.

The next weekend was the sublime weekend when we got to go to NYC. On the train up I got to see him in work mode; which was mildly intimidating, I admit. Not that I didn’t know how brilliant and capable he is. I worked on applications at the same time, and he got to witness that involved process and the level of emotional investment and lack of confidence that entails. To him, surely I make mountains out of molehills; though he never said that, bless him. He was supportive but distracted by work of course. Upon arrival in NYC I felt less of a dolt/child/whathaveyou, and was better accustomed this time to the swankiness of the hotel. We met his cousins, one of whom is one of the few other people who he can be open with and can spend excesses of time with without feeling drained. They are both intelligent and capable and totally kickass; esp cousin A, who is astoundingly intelligent and gives absolutely no fucks. She’s also gorgeous. And P clearly feels a great affinity for her; rather I imagine as I am with certain friends of mine--we just buzz together. And I’m not gonna lie; there were flickers of jealousy--nothing severe, just a smidge of...”wouldn’t he prefer to keep that sort of company.” They can also talk math and computer stuff together, so that... Overall, I am not cosmopolitan and my intelligence is...? Also, I feel like I spend a lot of time talking about James Madison and slavery; gotta get some new material. Anywho, we also did other museums, saw Hamilton (which was indescribably good, and super romantic to share with him) ate fantastic food, met other friends, and generally just had a wonderful time. I think I made a good impression on all friends and family in question, generally pleasant if somewhat dim next to the cousins. I think it was a turning point in the relationship for him; and he definitely felt what he calls “romantic flutterings,” which are a big deal for him.

He left from NYC to go to Turkey for another week of work, and his first night back was all one could wish in the way of romantic reunion. In this wash of emotion, we crossed the love threshold, I told him I loved him, he said “I think I love you too,” because the way he processes is different. This is a BIG ASS deal of course, and part of me is panicking bc certainly this cannot be true, and if it is, how can I know I won’t screw it up? Etc. etc. And indeed may already be sabotaging things. This I want to explore. Then he came to dinner with the whole family! And was a champ about it, but of course this shook my confidence. So this major declaration has come out, and then three days later he’s off to Texas for a few days of work. While he was gone I felt out of sorts, and professionally had a week...well, that doesn’t exactly make you proud of yourself. While I was idling and not being a full adult (mind you, had a sick day with son), he was at day-long conferences for this job that he does well, which interests and challenges him, and in which he is greatly valued and demanded. I do envy that, but also was suddenly struck with a sick sense of worthlessness (you can hear it in the way I phrased that last even). What am I even doing? And look he is capable and adult and excelling and making shittons of money. He has everything under control, all his shit sorted out, the world at his command. And I...?

So that happened; fortunately he only had to experience this insecure moping through text, but I know it is a super unpleasant thing to behold; and it is that old cycle of wanting him to tell me it’s all going to be ok, that I am worthy. Which is not fair to him, nor healthy for me, and I really need to conquer it. Anywho, flash forward to last night, when I had dinner with his family; parents included, and cousin A. Also a family friend from childhood who is six years younger than I am, studying to be a copyeditor, was def. in with mom, and baked a perfect batch of snickerdoodles. (You see how I am wallowing in this? It really just gets to choking me. And I thought I’d made progress. But it is this familiar sick burning sensation in my chest.) The whole family; they’re so effing brilliant and accomplished--what the hell is he doing messing with me? He and cousin A did their genius banter, and I felt the same as I feel now--lump in the throat, tears in my eyes, sense of utter self-loathing; worthlessness. I see them together and I think, surely that’s what he wants in a partner? Someone who is as genius as he himself. How long until he sees me and sees a burdensome dolt? And the expiration date starts flashing again. And I’m trying to be stoic and tell myself that if this isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be. But it yes, will still hurt. And that sick voice says ‘maybe you should back away now,’ and ‘if you end things how will that affect your son?’ I’m frightened I’ve made the wrong decision. What if I can never cope with the gulf between us in capability, intelligence, etc. Have I swapped one inequality for another? Is this strum und drang God trying to tell me this is unhealthy and I need to get out? But this man is so good, the best man I have ever known, surely I must pursue this. Surely this is worth working at. And God knows I don’t want to hurt him because I’ve made poor decisions; I’ve rushed in before I was healthy enough to cope.

And is this all because I put a name on it? Because I admitted that I love him? I’ve raised the stakes and now I’m terrified on some irrational level? He held me and let me cry, talked through things with me, tried to get me to explain what I was afraid of; told me he didn’t need his partner to be as smart as he was, that that’s not what he wants of me. He says “this wouldn’t work if you were dumb, I admit.” He says “I want to be with you because you are kind and take care of me and help me figure out things and we can have fun together.” He seems to think that the way I treat him, care for him, accept and work with him is singular, but certainly it is not. I don’t understand how there are not dozens of women lining up to love him because he is wonderful. So, so wonderful. And God help me, I do love him. I do want him to be happy. But I begin to worry that I am a burden to him. That I’m becoming someone who does drain him. At lows like this I am nothing but my weaknesses; and I sense how unhealthy this is. I don’t want to be plying these underhand tactics; I want to be strong enough to face this head on myself and end this feeling. But it is undeniably true that I am scared; that a voice in me keeps telling me that any second now my behavior is going to scare him off; that he’s going to get annoyed with me and that will be that. I cannot change who I am; I am working on this, truly. He says “you don’t bother me. You don’t have to change.” But some part of my mania can’t believe him. Some part of my mania thinks “yes, you do need to change. Noone wants someone like this. He loves the best strongest version of you. Not the one who whines and mewls about how much she sucks.”

Philosophically I know I need to be strong and kick this thing myself. And it is very familiar; this other woman who seems infinitely better equipped than I, spends time with a man I adore, I spiral into this self-hate fest and then make myself the kind of gargoyle that of course drives him away; makes him want to spend more time with the other woman. This is not because of any actions on his part. So disheartening to see how little progress I have made. And what is the answer? This is bigger than just this thing, clearly. Also a stumbling block to us, which is something I want to get past because I want this to be the good that it can be. But again; this all came after we crossed that major threshold. WHAT is at the root of this and how can I fix it? Nothing else changed. It’s not like he wasn’t brilliant before, not like our jobs or duties changed in any way--”I’m as fair as a I was erwhile.” Yet I act as though a timer has been started; a fuse that is going to end with him walking away. Not that these flutters of inadequacy have not come up before; see earlier in this post.

I don’t like this Sam I am. And I want to be done with it. I will not ruin this. However, I cannot be blind to warning signs. <--Stated for the record. Going to see DD this week to sort through some of this stuff; hopefully some answers. Hmmm...

Is this just the job search? Will I feel better when I get an “adult” job that is fulfilling/challenging to me? (Note: maybe I ought to teach afterall, if I’m going to be miserable and stressed anyway...) Is this because I’ve pushed too far too fast? Am I being honest with myself/him? Has this become unequal and how can I level the playing field? Questions. Questions. Questions.

Unrelated but notable: Was clumsy and told J about P inadvertently. At least now that’s done with but I do feel like a heel. And I hate what he is going through right now. Hope I’ve made the right decision in the end. But really I don’t think that was fully healthy for me. Of course it appears that I am good at making situations unhealthy... Hm....

#I have two fists #and the love of God #I can beat this thing and love this man as he deserves #and myself a little too

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