#23 o'clock thoughts sent to hale in a tired daze

[nayruwu]

alright, i have a problem. i am constantly taking notes on what the situation with shinya and guren could be if shinya found out and they survived, but it's really fucking complicated.

this is why i'm so impatient to see it, because i just can't figure out how shinya would react. at all.

he grew up slaughtering other kids for his own survival. he is probably sick and tired of other people dying just so he can live while considering himself pretty much worthless. and then seven billion humans were killed, "for him" and the others.

not only that, but his time at the training facility also taught him that human bonds only end up hurting you and need to be discarded to survive - and this is something he worked so hard to change in catastrophe. the whole lesson he taught himself and guren was that love and the weakness it brings is something good, and that you should accept it even if it means death because living without love is meaningless. now what if that love ends up causing such immense suffering across the entire world that it could not in any case be called good? what will happen to the lesson he learned? will he revert to his shell? will he believe it's his fault, for falling for weakness again?

this really feathers out into another gigantic issue. he discarded his weakness and acted selfishly to survive when he was a child, and later realised that it brought him nothing but emptiness and misery - so he became fascinated with guren, who was selfless and weak, attached himself to him and tried to guide and keep him on that path so guren wouldn't end up like he (and mahiru) did. these parts of guren's character are the whole reason shinya loves him so much, and these parts were pretty much destroyed when he ended the world. in a kind of way, the guren he loves is gone.

BUT it was so he could spend more time with him. which creates a whole new conflict. because yes, guren betrayed everything he was loved for, but he did it because he loved him. shinya has never been loved. it's quite obvious that it'd be something he really longed for, which is probably the reason he accepted friends even with his past of losing them. so what now? he's finally, finally loved by someone, so much that they would commit an almost incomprehensible sin to keep his worthless and disgusting self by their side, but is the person he loves most still there?

he spent a lot of time during catastrophe helping guren trying to save mahiru. he knows they failed, but what he doesn't know, or at least not specifically, is that guren is now trying to save him.

it's eight years of being lied to. eight years of distancing. eight years you can never get back. it's not just gonna be the way it was when they were still honest and trusting towards each other. how long would it take for shinya to be able to believe what guren says and not be scared of lies again? how can he be sure the person in front of him is actually guren and not still a marionette of mahiru?

i'm asking too much of my brain.

#when i say 'love' i mean it generally btw! you can view it both ways :> #might be another one of those posts i will add to if i can think of more #23 o'clock thoughts sent to hale in a tired daze #brain fried #owari no seraph #seraph of the end #shinya hiiragi #guren ichinose #gureshin #FREE MY SOUL FROM THE MORTAL BOUNDS OF FLESH #i considered myself a high iq shinya stan until i tried to fabricate aftermath fanfiction