#2) ignored my cohort mate's emails for six weeks

[kaladinstormsblessed]

every day i get closer to dropping out of grad school

#having a rough go of it #which seems to be a somewhat universal experience when going through quals #the fourth year slump is real #but also. #it truly feels like none of this shit matters. #genuinely. like i have a whole ass masters degree and for what? #i think i'm frustrated with my department (and i have valid reasons) but also i'm frustrated with myself and feel like i am doing bad work #and am therefore lashing out in a way that is really unproductive #i am just. so angry and so unhappy rn. and i hate!!! being angry! #i hate feeling stupid and incompetent and like the work i'm doing doesn't matter! #i wake up every day and dread going into campus! #i am simply so uninterested in being alive rn! #and it feels like everyone i talk to just. doesn't get it. #which isn't true and isn't fair to them but i just feel like i have all these terrible emotions and nowhere for them to go #anyways brought to u by the fact that i have a prelim meeting tomorrow with a faculty member who 1) was not around over the summer #2) ignored my cohort mate's emails for six weeks #3) finally set up regular meetings with us - i didn't see her until #the third week of the semester #was gone over fall break when we were supposed to meet #(which is fine!) #was supposed to see her last friday for the first time in four weeks #she pushed me back a week (probably bc she had a book due) which is also fine! #but was planning to halve my session this week bc my cohort mate was supposed to also meet with her this week #which like. frustrating bc my cohort mate has had way more contact with her than i have and like ofc mine gets cut short when it was already #delayed #and then she's going to tunisia for two weeks later this semester #which also! fine! but means she will be unavailable! again! #it's just hard to care about anything when it feels like i am not in the top 100 of anyone's priorities rn #just. feeling a lot of grief. a lot of anger. a lot of shame and guilt and simply not good enough in every single aspect of my life #(including the non-academic ones)