#(.....................I am not actually catholic anymore but jesus you wouldn't know would you)

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #153

Do you ever feel left out? When? Yes, primarily with my sisters; especially this last time I had lunch with my dad and sisters, I learned they do like... quite a lot without me or Mom, and that hurts. Like I get it, I don't drive so would have to rely on somebody else, but I'm never invited to these little fun things they do.

How useful do you feel to others? Oh dear jesus christ, entirely and completely useless.

Do you think you’re depressed? Why? I've been diagnosed with it since I was a pre-teen, so yes, I factually am. Diagnosed depression never fully goes away, I've just gotten better at handling my symptoms.

Is there a loaded gun in your house? Do you have access to it? No, no person who lives with me (and obviously myself) is legally allowed to own firearms because of my history, and nor do I even want one in my house ever.

Your best kiss was with whom? Either Girt or Jason, I don't know. I kinda don't remember how kisses from Jason were anymore.

Do you like to cuddle with this person? Girt, yes, but I'd never cuddle with Jason again. I loved it once, but not anymore.

Do you trust your bf/gf with your life? I honestly do.

Would you rather have an orange, red or gray bedroom? Hm... I think orange. Red sounds cool and pretty, but I like the brightness of orange, makes the room livelier.

Does it bother you when people’s underwear hangs out? It looks dumb to me, but so long as you have your truly private areas are covered in public, do whatever.

Would you date someone 5 years older than you? Yeah.

Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Me, lol. I'm very thankful it's been under control since I took a super long break though and especially lately I've barely been touching it even once a week or two.

Have you ever been fingered? Well when you grew up a technically abstinent Christian girl you figure shit out lmfao

Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt? HA no, I would immediately know you were lying; even as a really in-shape teenager who did yoga every day, my ass has always been flat 😭

What makes you feel like a kid again? Being in the ocean comes to mind immediately; I've noticed that I giggle a lot being tossed around and hit by the water, it's just fun. I VERY rarely do this, but I also feel kid-like when someone eases me into feeling safe and unjudged belting out songs or dancing, but that is so incredibly rare these days because I obsess over not being seen in a judgmental, looking-down-your-nose-at-me way. I would basically rather die than experience embarrassment. I also like doing coloring books with other adults and just chilling.

Are you a good kisser? No one's ever complained.

What was your 1st alcoholic beverage? Mike's Hard Lemonade. ... Actually wait, it might have been a tiny sip of wine???? I grew up going to a Catholic church, and doing the Eucharist ritual thing is routine, and I remember how fucking awful the drink was, even though you only got a teeny-tiny sip, like an adult held and tilted the cup to ensure of that. Many places use grape juice in place of the grape wine, but with how traditional the church I went to was, and also just remembering how awful the taste was, I definitely think it was the traditional wine.

Do you have a crush on anyone? Well it's way more than a crush.

Have you ever been on an airplane? Yeah, a few times.

Have you ever gone scuba diving? No, but I'd really like to! My mom used to have a license for it and even swam with manatees and I will permanently be SO envious, haha.

What do you think of your last ex? Not good things, I'll leave it at that lmfao

Does your sibling have a significant other? They all do, yes. All but Nicole are married, but she has a good boyfriend.

How would you feel if a girl asked your boyfriend out for a drink? I wouldn't be okay with that in the case of some random girl asking him, and even if it was a close friend, I really do trust him, but I'd still want to be there too, it's just respectful imo. I don't want my anxiety spinning stories that aren't even true while he's gone. He doesn't drink anyway though so you wouldn't see him at a bar.

What do your flipflops look like? They're just black.

Name some models you think are hot. lol I don't even know the names of models.

Does your significant other like the same color as you do? Like, favorite color? Don't know what he thinks of pink, actually.

Do you have a passport? No, hopefully one day to travel!

Do you say any words that are pretty specific to your area? I'm sure there are some things, but phrases exclusive to here is more likely. We say "y'all," of course, but I feel like that's been adopted outside the south anyway.

Do you know anyone who everyone thinks is gay, but is not out? No, not since middle school; everyone thought my friend William was gay, including myself, but he didn't "come out" until high school. He's loud and proud about it now, I love him.

Are your teeth straight? Mostly, yes. I do have an overbite though that my braces once fixed, but because I didn't wear my retainer, they moved back some. My front bottom incisors are a bit crooked though from having braces on too long, they got a bit crowded so have very slight overlapping, but it's not bad at all.

Would you ever paint your house an unusual color? Totally not against it, like can you IMAGINE a pink house?, but I wouldn't go out of my way to pay for that or do it myself, I just don't care enough.

What is the cutest animal? TOTALLY not biased or anything lol, but I genuinely do think it's meerkats, like they're so small and watching them stand up on their hind legs like lil men is adorable, and they're just cute as hell in general. I love their big eyes! Kittens are also incredibly cute, I've got a weakness for baby cats.

Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you? Nah, height means literally nothing to me.

Have you ever swam in the Atlantic Ocean? Yep.

The Pacific? No.

Have you ever dated a fat person? Juan was on the larger side, as well as Tyler, but that's it. I'm not against it at all, I've just coincidentally dated mostly slim or even underweight people.

Was your last kiss sober? Yes, never kissed somebody while drunk.

What is one hot beverage that you like? Hot chocolate.

Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No.

Do you sleep in socks? Ugh no, I could never. Socks are very uncomfortable to me, it's a sensory thing.

Is the person you’re interested in, interested in you? Yes, I definitely trust that he is. He shows it.

Is there a band you like that many others dislike? Which? lol yes, Marilyn Manson is probably the most obvious, like he's always gotten the side-eye from media, and Rammstein's gotten plenty of hate too, and then Otep gets a lot of negativity as well, but she as a person IS an insanely aggressive bitch so lol, I love her music though. I'm a metal fan in general though so that alone makes a great majority of the bands I listen to disliked by some groups.

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? Bagels, but both are good.

Do you consider yourself a romantic? I definitely think so, I know plenty of people think romance is cheesy, but I love it, man. Cute fun stuff.

Which element best represents you? Y'know, I've never been sure about this question, but with a quick google search I am EASILY water.

Who do you want to be closer to? My sisters.

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? Pencil, because of the ease for erasing. I only recently learned via my sister that pens with erasers now exist and blew my FUCKING mind to bits like I wasn't okay afterwards lmfao that shit is MAGIC

What is your star sign? It's Aquarius, but I've never held any faith in this kind of stuff whatsoever.

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? In-between. I can't eat it once it gets to a certain point of sogginess though, but that doesn't really happen with me because I pour my breakfast and eat it immediately lol.

Do you like ice in your drinks? No, this is gonna make me sound SO stereotypical American but I absolutely hate when it waters a drink down and even more so how like the majority of drinks you get anywhere are mostly just ice, like I didn't pay for ice.

Do you address older people by their first or last name? Eh, I'd say it depends. By this point in my life I'm pretty sure it's mostly first names now, though.

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? Lots of traveling, and I know I'd just pay to not be my weight anymore. Way more tattoos, a house, and more pets. I would absolutely do lots of charity stuff too and help especially my loved ones however I can.

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? I feel safer and chiller in a nice clean pool, but the ocean is way more fun! It's very good at yanking my worries away for the time, too.

What is one thing you would want to teach your children? In the hypothetical they ever exist, just being a good person is the main thing: to act with kindness, peace, and empathy. I would put a lot of emphasis on them caring for themselves too, both physically and mentally, and to never be ashamed of being themselves and shooting for the stars. I would ensure they know proper bodily autonomy early too; if my kid doesn't want to hug someone, they don't fucking have to, and I'm not sugarcoating the proper names of their body parts and to never let someone touch your body that you don't want, and if they do you let me know bc I will go to jail <3

Where do you feel the safest? At home, especially when both Mom and Girt are here.

Anything you're looking forward to this month? Yeah, on the 26th I get my tattoo finished and also am having dinner with Girt's family.

Do you have a loud or more soft laugh? I am the WHOLE fuckin pack of hyenas okay

Do you like to dip your fries in a frosty or ice cream? No, I tried that pretty late in my life and I really did not get the hype.

Are there any things coming up that you have to travel for? No.

Would you consider adoption? No, it wouldn't be for me personally.

Do you have a bad habit? Yes, I jump to conclusions and catastrophize severely, often relating around someone being mad at or annoyed by me, but there are plenty of other instances. I know there's more, but I don't really feel like thinking about this on a nice day haha

Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? lmfao yes, this is such a juvenile question, sharing the same bed as someone doesn't make it so you bang every time you get in it, dude.

Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No.

Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes, I kinda doubt any adult woman hasn't been at SOME point.

Would you rather pierce your tongue or lip? I'm happy with just the vertical labret I have on my bottom lip now, but after having my tongue pierced already and just damaging my teeth, I won't get another one. I've THOUGHT about getting what would technically be snake bites I guess and change the jewelry to a small spike, but I feel like three pieces of jewelry on just my bottom lip might get annoying.

What did you buy last time you went to the store? Mom bought milk, some steak, strawberries, some shrimp, and lettuce earlier; I only know because she complained about how expensive just that was, haha.

Do you like salsa that has fruit in it? No.

Are you scared of snakes? No, and I assure you you will never be more afraid of a snake than that snake is of you. I adore them.

Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? SOFT, ugh that sounds so good right about now.

Have you ever painted a room? Not me personally, but as a kid I remember during one of my grandmother's visits, she and my parents and maybe some friends painted the house I grew up in. My grandma was always very good with house decor and just making the inside of a house look good, and they did this cool horizontal split between a light and darker shade of blue with some sort of cool (I think it was kinda floral?) divider in the center. It was really pretty, buuuut the people who moved in after us immediately burnt the house to a fuckin crisp so I'm sure the remade house is different inside.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

[notbecauseofvictories]

greater-than-the-sword replied to your post: I hate to bother you like this, but I was...

I’ll talk to you about it anon. From the perspective of the Bible being God’s authoritative word.

I’m curious: does your translation of Matthew 5:28 read “woman” or “wife”? Is “ἐπιθυμέω” translated with sexual undertones (”desire”) or pure possessory ones, in parallel to the following commandments (”covet”)? Is your interpretation of that iconic phrase intended to be “do not commit adultery” or “don’t be envious” or “don’t steal from your neighbor, even in your imagination”? And what implications does that carry for the woman/wife in this scenario? After all, if sleeping with your neighbor’s wife is theft, what does it say if the object-to-be-stolen is into it, and wants that for herself? If the implication is that envy turns your heart from God, then what does it matter if you go outside of the bonds of marriage and get some strange, so long as that sort of jealousy doesn’t play a role?

Or should we be inferring that Jesus speaks to a male/female power dynamic here---”don’t think of your neighbor’s wife as just some object to be coveted, on the same level as his house, slaves, fields, animals.” It’s not as though we haven’t seen those tumblr posts go around, young women essentially instructing men not to look at them, articulating how uncomfortable that gaze is. (Admittedly, I’m fond of this reading, but that’s because of extracanonical reasons.)

And then, if we do go with the traditional “thou shalt not”: how does your religion interpret, expand, and apply that ruling? For the Catholic Church, “do not commit adultery” is NOT simply “don’t sleep with married people, or, if you’re married, don’t sleep with other people.” Thou shalt not commit adultery is also transliterated into, don’t sleep with anyone unless you’re married. In our strand of modern Biblical hermeneutics, Matthew’s telling everybody to belt up and wait for wedding bells, and that expands to cover masturbation, pre-marital sex, and non-heterosexual couplings. (Since, in the eyes of Catholic God, any couples who are not patterned off Adam and Eve can’t get Catholic married in the first place.)

I.........Look. I understand, I really really do. The desire to understand the Christian/Catholic Bible as a holy and authoritative text is powerful---there’s terrific lure to see it as something which contains profound answers and speaks to our lives, even 2000 years since it was threaded together from the Septuagint, 2nd century second-hand accounts of a prophet, and some letters and polemics early church leaders had lying around in attics. I even believe (truly, I do!) that it in large part does this, that the incredible breadth of poetry, theology, story, petty interpersonal squabbles, arguments and law, really does speak to some timeless truths about the human condition and what it is we’re seeking in a God, in a religious community, and in a radical vision of the world. Spending time thinking about what it means to say, “I tell you that everyone who gazes at woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart,“ is a valuable exercise, whatever answer you arrive at.

But perhaps because of the Bible’s phenomenal complexity, contradictions, vast and far-reaching history, I find it infuriatingly simplistic to treat it as a definitive guide to the world. To me, it seems like the height of hubris to pretend that we can take the whole project---all 2000+ years of translations, early church struggles with questions of What To Do About Judaism (with bonus horrific prejudice), inherited Greek and Roman articulations of philosophy, arguments about the Official Canon, commentary, schisms, divergent political agendas, regional specificity, political weaponization in various forms, re-translations, eight million different kinds of exegesis, reinterpretation, more schisms, the filter of European power and subsequent Americanisms---and boil it down to “the authoritative word.” It’s only “a word” if none of us can actually agree on what it says, and have spent almost two millennia fighting each other like drunk relatives at Christmas trying to figure it out.

But hey, that’s pretty human too.

#I am irreverent. I am not stupid. #greater-than-the-sword #it begins in a garden #unto the prophet spoken #(I really do have a healthy respect for the catholic bible but I think that it's a beginning of a conversation. it is god trying to lure you #into discussion with the divine. it isn't literal. it isn't fact. it isn't truth. #it's something enormous beckoning you on and asking you to understand and want to know more as much as you can.) #(the bible is like.........lanternfish. you know. the bright bioluminescence to lure you onto the teeth.) #(only also the teeth are humanity and it's terrible and great.) #(.....................I am not actually catholic anymore but jesus you wouldn't know would you)

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: okay I need Ali: like fucking Ali: total seriousness from you right now Ali: can you handle that Tommy: whoa Tommy: alright yeah Tommy: unless you're preggo I ain't keeping that to myself for the next 9 like Ali: god no Ali: i know you're gay as hell so the birds and the bees don't worry you none but if anything you should KNOW that means I'm good right now Ali: but this is going to sound like as much of a joke Ali: but it ain't, yeah? Tommy: what you and your girlfriend do or who ain't none of my business but obviously we ain't here for that, are we? Tommy: I'm sitting down, go for it Ali: sure, sure, I'll make you go red later Ali: preferably when I can see/laugh but no, it ain't so Ali: fuck Ali: so this is weird like Ali: beyond Ali: you know Joe finally made an apperance here yeah Tommy: you're scaring me, Kat Tommy: unless he came out I don't reckon I'm ready to hear this Ali: I can't say if that's unwarranted or not, like Ali: soz Ali: basically, he came to me for a drugs hookup Ali: like, that's what the fuck weird enough but you know Ali: do you Ali: so I sent him to Drew, you know, Meena's brother? Ali: he deals now Ali: and then he hit me back up and shit Ali: you gotta tell me if this is some kinda sick joke but the boy sounded deadly serious, like HE was scared Ali: he said Joe asked for heroin, Tommo Tommy: nah nah he's gotta have it twisted Tommy: like he's pretty so he don't have to be the smartest, yeah Tommy: it'll be like a bad brain day so he needed to go harder than his prescription maybe but Tommy: not that fucking hard Ali: I wanna think that but Ali: he looked sick, Joe Ali: and idk how they could've had that miscommunication like smack is smack it's not like, nah I want this type of pill not that Tommy: probably got his slang fucked up Tommy: he's like an old man you know Tommy: sometimes Ali: he ain't that green Ali: fucking hell, even Ro could list a few names for it Ali: I literally do not know what to do Ali: because as soon as he came back, basically Ali: he's gone Ali: said his uni friend was in a car crash or some bullshit Ali: maybe it ain't but the timing reeks of it Tommy: fuck Tommy: this is so bad Tommy: did they see him, ma or da? Ali: nope, mum was taking rocky to the park or some shit whilst dad did the shop so they're all due back any time and I've gotta pass on the message Ali: minus the drugs, presumably Ali: what the fuck Tommy: don't say shit to them Tommy: she'll fucking Tommy: alright, where are Bea & Fraze like right now? Ali: idk Ali: not here, he waited long as he could to sneak out like he was never here Ali: should I tell them Ali: I swear to God I ain't got no wires crossed Ali: I've got all the messages from Drew, it's black and white so unless he's a real mentalist and just taking the piss Tommy: you deffo ain't that green & jesus all signs really are pointing to proper smackhead Tommy: Meena's brother's loads of things but I don't reckon he'd go this hard just to get your attention Tommy: no shade honey Ali: my thoughts exactly Ali: unless he's one of those people who's ultimate fantasy is to be murdered and I'm the master criminal for the job Ali: it just isn't something you lie about, unless you're totally cracked in the head yourself Tommy: we can kink shame him later like Tommy: but you gotta hit up the IT couple with this Tommy: I can try & talk to Joe but a screen's easy to ignore if you ain't shooting up heroin so I dunno reckon my luck's out Ali: I don't even know what the hell he's gonna say Ali: but I can't just Ali: sweep that one under the rug, can I Ali: Joe was like, gone, and not in a this is a bad brain day way like a Ali: I don't know Ali: let's say there was no putting the kettle on and convincing him to stay 'til the 'rents were back, like Tommy: we can't just Tommy: I'm here for this Tommy: and you can say like a skaghead Tommy: might have to Ali: fuck Ali: how Ali: why Tommy: I dunno Tommy: who's he with Tommy: what's he do Tommy: who the fuck is he Tommy: what's he playing at Ali: all valid questions but who knows Ali: none of us Ali: it was so easy to say like, 'don't blame him' when he didn't come home ever but Ali: it's weird, we're taking like any possible excuse not to be here Tommy *~ Yeah Tommy: do you want me to come back? Ali: no Ali: you should stay there Ali: if there's an intervention I'll buy you a ticket Ali: god knows you can't be missing out on that drama Ali: but realistically Ali: you know this family, what's getting done Tommy: cheers Tommy: but you ain't told Fraze yet, you know he's done crazier than get on a plane to start shit Ali: true Ali: Jesus Tommy: if throw us & the lovebirds in a group chat that's the best it can go Tommy: she'll calm him down Ali: I truly hate this family Tommy: you & me both, Kit Tommy: Drew isn't gonna say shit is he? Ali: I don't think he would Ali: like what's he got to gain from that Tommy: like don't tell your girlfriend I said so but use your feminine wiles if you have to, yeah? Tommy: if ma finds out about this it's gonna properly wreck her Ali: that's why I'm kinda glad he left 'cos it was fucking obvious Ali: but still, what are we gonna do Ali: lock him in a cupboard legit, let him out when he's ready to behave Tommy: she lost it enough over you all summer no way she can handle this Ali: are you saying I should've done smack Ali: got my moneys worth like Tommy: I'm not not saying it Tommy: fucking hell Ali: ah a summer of regrets Ali: seriously Ali: I wanna puke Tommy: you had the best time Tommy: but summer's well and truly over now Tommy: should we pray to sexy Jesus or what Ali: yeah, put down the needle, Joe Ali: it can't hurt, we're in theory catholics so Ali: say sorry and he'll do anything for us Tommy: so out of my depth with this Tommy: this school is well straight edge and there's no religious imagery anywhere Ali: 'cos real rockstars don't go stage school, babe 💔 Ali: maybe he was just gonna smoke it? ehhh Ali: literally the best consolation I've got for any of 'em right now Tommy: I don't wanna be a rockstar honey, that's you Tommy: maybe it was for a 'friend' lol Ali: don't Ali: if he asked drew for a condom too we'd have to dash to the airport like it's love actually Tommy: I wouldn't make that boy use protection but enough about me Ali: THOMAS Ali: behave Ali: this is so serious Tommy: I'm sorry but I'm not used to the kind of gay panic where I'm a gay just panicking like Ali: if you could send me a video of you flapping your limp wrists about, so I know it's real, tah Tommy: least I can do Tommy: I'm really fucking scared, you know Tommy: like, it's Joe Ali: me too Ali: I'm not trying to be a hypocrite but it's fucking heroin Ali: like how are we at defcon1 Tommy: he's not gonna die, yeah? That's only a just say no tactic, right? Tommy: like its not cut with rat poison anymore or Tommy: whatever the fuck Ali: I mean Ali: it's a risk with all drugs but like Ali: you kill off too many punters you get a rep so let's hope his shit is clean-ish Ali: and he knows how to dose Ali: though how the fuck this is even a conversation we're having about JOE Ali: just Tommy: that's a point what did Goldilocks give him 'cause I know he ain't stocking that Tommy: ma would've kneecapped him if he was dealing that hard Tommy: shit Tommy: I dunno Tommy: how is this our real life Ali: he said, Drew, this is, that he just gave him benzos Ali: but it sounded like he got like 50 which he surely did not go through before he left Ali: so he's either got on a fucking plane with 'em or he's left an emergency stash here Ali: do I check his room like that paranoid mother or Tommy: 50 like 5 0 Tommy: Christ almighty Tommy: yeah you should before you tell Fraze Ali: like that's a months worth Ali: idk why he'd get that many just to see him through, even if Drew was being a dick and seeing how much money he could get Ali: probably wiped out his supply of, like Ali: I will Ali: watch me get the blame for them, hope he's written his name on like it's houmous in the fridge or something Tommy: this is so fucked Tommy: how big is his bastard habit Tommy: like I can't Ali: you don't think Ali: oh God oh God Ali: is he online rn hold on Tommy: you think he's Tommy: shit Ali: I'll phone him fuck this Ali: and I'm telling Fraze like, right fucking now Tommy: you have to Tommy: if it's Tommy: we're out of time Ali: okay shit, I'll stay on here to you so you ain't left in the dark but I am also on it Tommy: yeah alright Ali: [a while but not forever] Ali: made him facetime me and he was at the airport, like he said Ali: basically, there's a 'fuck school is nearly here' party so he got that many for it and he reckons 'cos he's got a prescription for 'em, he just filled up his empty box and no one's gonna know, he'd gone through so like Ali: he had got away with that Ali: he seemed more with it, genuine Ali: I dunno Ali: I wasn't getting 'phone the ambulance now' vibes from him, it was reassuring, I wouldn't bullshit you on that Ali: not when it could be so bad Tommy: fucking prick Tommy: I thought like Tommy: thank god Ali: I know Ali: he was having a fucking coffee like Ali: I don't reckon you'd go spend your last in a fucking airport, even if you were done with life Tommy: bleak wouldn't be the word Tommy: next time I see him he's dead though Ali: seriously Ali: there's still the heroin issue but Ali: at least he's not actively killing himself like right this second Tommy: are we 100% that Drew's not just a really really shitty dealer Tommy: like did he say heroin Tommy: I'm grasping at straws and I fully hear myself but Ali: sadly I don't think he's hearing the H bomb just to say he ain't got any Ali: if he had a load to shift, I'd buy it Ali: but Ali: not buy it buy it Ali: this isn't a convoluted cry for help Tommy: don't make me laugh right now Ali: soz Ali: I can't help being such a natural comedic talent Tommy: yeah yeah genius we know babe Ali: gotta milk it whilst I'm still a kid Ali: the shine really gonna dull when I hit 16 Tommy: I'm sure your girlfriend is living for your prodigy status Tommy: I'm beating the boys off (yeah also a euphemism bye) & its only hard work Ali: good for your art, I'm sure Tommy: good for me Tommy: sod my art Ali: sorry Ali: I'll be happy for you when I'm coming down from my heart attack Ali: I am Tommy: me too Tommy: no worries Tommy: we can celebrate me being a hoe any other time Ali: we will 💚 Ali: thanks for not letting me/Joe die alone though Tommy: come down one weekend with your love interest Tommy: I promise to make it super but not intimidatingly gay Tommy: kinda my thing Ali: 'sounds good man Ali: maybe Halloween, bet you do some mad gay shit Tommy: 'course Tommy: Ali, you know I love you, yeah? Tommy: like being dramatic is also my thing but I mean Ali: 'course I do Ali: I can put you down as having me as favourite too, yeah? Ali: say it back if so Tommy: obviously Tommy: Rock's cool but he can't hang like you so Ali: get in Ali: 'til his bed time is past 8pm he can suck it Ali: love you too Tom-tom Tommy: I'd love to go to bed at 8 sometimes Tommy: this school is fucking knackering Ali: I bet Ali: worth it though Ali: yeah Tommy: maybe Tommy: probably Ali: more worth it than here would be Ali: definitely Tommy: full of more fit lads definitely Tommy: at least that are out Ali: god bless Ali: can't all be turning straights Tommy: so last century Tommy: trust you to find one in the first place Tommy: everyone's got more labels than the wardrobe dept usually Ali: 😏 Ali: your bubble is gonna burst so hard man Ali: enjoy it whilst it lasts Ali: seriously Tommy: I'll blow another one it's alright Tommy: that and my own horn of course Tommy: soon as I'm out of here Ali: it's a party 🎊🎈🎆 Tommy: any and everywhere we tread honey Tommy: and you know the drill, whoever's asking I'm dancing like Ali: 👍 Ali: let you get on with all your beating now Ali: keep you in the loop vis a vis whatever the fuck is happening with this Joe thing but Ali: twiddling my thumbs 'til then so Tommy: cheers 🐱 Tommy: laters yous 💛 Ali: 💚

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

If i had to pick an American Cookie that can be bought in the store today, hands down it would be this one.

Living in New Mexico for 20 years, i rarely see a black person. I can go 785 days without seeing an African American. Because i have.

So, it's shocking to go to Arkansas or even Oklahoma and see large groups of Black People and i stare. I don't forget they exist due to the internet.. But I never see them so it's like visiting Mount Rushmore or the Grand Canyon. Its this natural amazing marvel. And I just stare usually with my jaw dropped like some social retard. Which I'm not typically. And Hey -- I'm not the only New Mexican that does that shit. We simply have a serious minority of African Americans here. I understand places like Mississippi don't think they're a minority. But if i can leave my house every day and not see a African American, then you're a minority. Just as in higher areas of African American Domination, i like to call it, there isn't many Latina or Hispanic or Mexicans as there are here. In Mississippi, they're a minority and here they're all "bitch we rule this shit! We own New Mexico!"

So due to actual minority being true of African Americans (in the 90s i picked it because it was always claimed officially so I just accepted as NYC is a huge vast mix of all kinds of culture. I figured they actually went out and counted them. But i wanted to explain to those whom don't travel and don't experience life in other places in the United States.

So in the 90s the Harringtons and I and as he preferred to be called, Captain Negro, his super hero name. Captain Negro del ela Ponte if you wanted to get legal about it. Decided to pick an "American Cookie" we could easily purchase for Sunday nights. And of course it had to be absolutely perfect.

"Taste Great but Look the Part as Touched by a negros heart and soul" said Captain Negroponte as I called him or Captain Negro Party or Captain Negro Parte especially when i didn't know how to explain something.

I tell you. I've always been smart. Miss Leena always hides and plays dumb and just tells history. But to compare and contrast and make analogies i truly learned from this man whom was my English Compilation Teacher, a True Super Hero.

For the cookie experiment. I talked to Miss Leena but she wouldn't explain. She just gave me the type of cookie and told me I would know what to do.

William Harrington said, "I dont know to me a cookie is just a cookie and my wife makes them great!"

And Willingima. we called her, Harrington, at the (jokingly) threat of our own lives said she did not know either she just had to bake she had said as when quietly embroidered under the table a gift for the Captain Hero's family.

So he came over and we told him and his eyes lit up and he was bouncing around with excitement at the table. "So the cookies are.... But I sure don't know how to explain anything but the chocolate"

"Okay explain me"

I did

"And these are just regular old fashioned chocolate chip, not chocolate on chocolate dough or white chocolate chip?"

"I could ask miss leena but im sure it's the old fashioned."

"Lets call her"

She said that the Chocolate dough (black/dark brown dough) with white chocolate chips would be An African cookie -- for their culture here in America and in actually Africa.

So we were all at the phone all listening in, the phone turned all the way up. Now this is the 90s wall phone no speaker phone ability.

So Captain Negroponte told me back at the table, "so you know the old fashioned. Idk why she wouldn't explain the chocolate on chocolate because of the two different browns. But you know I'll stay out of it. I think i do know the sugar but let me just check. What did she say on the phone to you when she called?"

"Well she called just out of the blue. Asked for Sabrina and i thought she was asleep and so i said she was as she hadn't came down (stairs -- our bedrooms were up and i was just living there For the summer or however long until i had to go back to work into the city i moved out October 9, 1991 due to riots in Brooklyn because i had to go help as i spoke about this last week. Officially moved in July 4th of the same year) and she said and i quote "well just tell sabrina this, that i called and she needs to do a cookie experiment. A white old fashioned cookie of chocolate chip flavor and a sugar cookie. She should know what to do with all of your help" she sounded old and she said her husband wasn't home and she was just resting. So i said "well ill let you go" and she said no and wanted to know all about our enterprise feeding the Street neighborhood kids and asked about money and she said "well Sabrina can help" do you -- do you have money? I sure am tired of eating hot dogs myself. This is getting expensive! I mean for us"

I replied "i do have some... Ill talk to Steve to see what we should do and how much and the best way to go about this"

"No now you seem nervous and she said you have a lot"

"Billions" she said the same time I said "millions"

"And you said some.. You said what? What you got now hon?"

"You said I'm a billionaire and i wouldn't ever lie to anyone but Steve explained to me, hes my lawyer, he said that i needed not to explain how rich i am but if someone needed money I'm to say i only have one million dollars and that is it. And i said "but that is a lie!" And he said "but no it is not not when I'm not allowing you to give out more than thousands without my approval" and i was mad!!! But in the end i saw what Steve said i should see. Its dangerous to advertise how rich i am"

"Bull shit! We probably have the richest girl in the world here sitting at our table and im telling her to penny pinch! Babe! We're having steaks next week! Put that on the list!"

"I'll pay you guys all back!"

"No!" "No!" "No!"

"No. Yes i mean i know you all did it from the goodness of your hearts but you shouldn't suffer. And i didn't realize that you were. I mean i thought you just wanted to eat hot dogs. I didn't know there was any difference"

"Blah!"

"So what I'll do. Because Steve said I'm allowed up to thousands and you're still in hundreds last i checked. $991 for the last three weeks for the entire house budget. So I'll at least double that and give Captain Nero the same. For the time y'all have spent working and then what i meant i would have to talk to Steve is that I would have to design a plan for the future. What he's talked about is supplying a credit card with a limit capable of exceeding the design purchases. So like if you need $900,000 a month then the credit card would allow $1 million. That's what hes explained to me. Then he would supply 12 blank checks for the year then all you would do is call the number on the back of the card once monthly to find out the balance and get the address, write the check and then mail it to the credit card company. Easy as that. He would get the bills to look over to see you're not scamming me. Then he can stop payment on the rest of the checks if you are and cancel the card. That goes for everyone. So for this i think that is what he would pick. It sounds simple. Of course, I don't pay bills or anything like that. Steve always handles it for me. But I'll still have to talk to Steve to get that program under way. And I'll make sure he pays you and you and of course you for past supplies and your time"

So they agreed to the extra payment but wanted to do work free. Mrs Harrington got $15 per day for taking care of me. And still does although she doesn't take care of me anymore, her influence still lives within me and is what made me who I truly am today.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't ever asked criminals how they wanted their ending to be. I would have ripped them off the streets and tortured them one by one ripping off pieces of their body while injected with a chemical that made them highly alert and aware of what was happening. For 6 years and 600 days. Them never knowing when it would be the day to lose something they deemed important.

Instead of dungeons and torture chambers, they have a chance at luxury and happiness.

Those asking for death instead have a right to live in peace and make their amends and do as they need. The miserable are killed first to stop their pain and suffering. 72 wanted vacation before. They got that.

If it wasn't for the Harringtons and Captain Negro, never would that occurred.

They saved a wretch like me and in turn, I saved those worst than me. As Jesus would. She taught me all about the belief of Jesus and who they believed he was

Over Captain Harrington's right shoulder was a cross with me looking down or asleep. They eyes were closed. I felt it was the most accurate representation of me. It even had lumps on it's chest. And I always felt so much responsibility. She believed the Unorthodox Jewish ways with a Catholic overcoat. She was non-religious before marriage so she had a mix of views and dabble in all spirits of religion. Also, the occult.

So when her cheeks were pink and her bright blue eyes lit up, and she told me about Jesus. I always prayed to the Lord in Hevaen that I would live up to her expectations.

And often I would look at that cross and feel the thorns cutting into my forehead. "I hope we can do it. Change the world as expected" I would say.

There were times i would take it off the wall "i feel Jesus should watch some T.V., too" i didn't want to say who i was. Mrs Harrington thought i felt that crown of thorns because Jesus was telling me that i knew things and i should act. Of course I didn't really know who I was, either, at first. Mommy thought it was too much but Daddy told me and said I should keep it secret. But I could tell who or what I want. So I decided to honor mommy and not say. But incorporate Jesus since he was such a big part of Catholicism and decor in the house, daddy said that would make Jesus alive in the house and keep my secret. But allow my full powers to bloom.

And it worked.

So Captain Negroponte said that day that he kept getting questions from one particular kid as tall as me about White Supremacy and how his family taught him that all white people were bad and "only play with nigger kids" so he was certain he knew how to explain the white sugar cookie as long as i could do "the chocolate chip without fail then it would all be good and life would be perfect for this particular child"

"I can. I know just what to do. It will be perfect"

"Okay don't tell me. I dont want to hear until that day"

So he left with a bounce and his eyes glittery. His soul full of tears for this young man, looking back where he left all his hope and faith, walked down the short dark hall and into the sunlight of a cool brisk Saturday afternoon.

"Hey now i might need some help. I know i need to show the white dough and then how it tans when baked. I got that talking to her on the phone"

"Well she didn't say --"

"She said Bake. And i was transformed back into her kitchen and had a white plastic bowl which i put into the oven -- it was empty and out it came a clay not crystal like ours but ceramic Brown bowl with the white inside. So i know what to say about White people tanning to make 2 races so we all have to support the black"

"You you get!! So not all white people are the same!!! Good good!!"

"Shew! Thank you! So I was at the kitchen in the sink.. I mean -- i said that backwards -- so anyway I'm in the kitchen and i see the silver sink and the bowl appears before my eyes and suddenly im holding it in my hands and i went to hand the phone to you as i tried to hand the bowl to her in my standing hands and she didn't sound old like she did in the phone, she sounded very young and sing song. And she said "no the children" so what we have to do is give the bowl to each of the children and let them mix it themselves. That will help white supremacy in however that means. So then the black kids all add the chocolate chips. And then when we bake. That will represent the Muslims that i used to help when in was younger and who framed me to be as i am today. But the kids don't all know that so it will represent all the darker but lighter skin than black you know like Puerto Riccans and Vietnamese and Chinese and all those sorts of people and how the African Americans have inserted their "language" into us to make the world such an amazing place. Without them we wouldn't be the cookie we are today here in 1991. Isn't that right, Jesus?"

"Oh don't look at him so harsh. What do you need me to do?"

"Bake the cookies. At the start we will mix then he will tell a story then we will do the baking. We can do two days in a row or we can help you here in the kitchen. Megan and i can take turns like we always do and so if we wanted to spread the word for two weeks since its getting so cold, we can start in the afternoon instead of dusk. And do the two different cookies the same time -- No i mean in the ssme day"

"Okay that could work. We will just let Captain Nero know and I'm sure he could come up with two great stories to pass the time. And you will pay?"

"Oh yes. Yes of course. And when I talk to Steve I'll ensure Miss Harriet Tubman is getting her cut although she always paid on her own and said she was on solid woman and could make it doing all she pleased, her husband is still working. But he's a police sergeant so I know its not for money. But she could buy her something nice with his pension."

"Pension?"

"Oh he has two. He works a lot. One thinks she's like 80 and the other 102 or 103 i think it is. So one will be cut surely i assume. She said she doesn't think she can make it to 120 without them getting onto her"

"And his paycheck?"

"Oh he donates it to science. They own their own trailer and car and BBQ"

"BBQ?"

"BBQ Grill. Of course though if i gave her money she would probably just clothes the whole entire neighborhood. I'll ask Steve if thats what she wants or that i could do. She said that was the only thing she had left in life to apply for. I guess she always knew i had money thats why she gave me the evil eye. She always provides them gloves in the winter -- except she buys them in the summer when they're cheaper and puts them in a box to save them till it gets cold again. I tell you. She is smart. So about these sugar cookies. I sure hope it works. It seems the opposite of what we set out to do. All white with beautiful crystals on top. She said to make them look so worthwhile and be as perfect as possible..."

So while the White Supremacist cookie is after all just a cookie that we used to explain to a child that was deeply courageous to learn more and actually educated his parents and they hugged me with forgiveness, myself being white.

I have explained the example. And to further educate, the Sugar Cookie in all other reality when not used for a demonstrations, is just a cookie we bake when we have no other additives.

But as Captain Negro (you may call him Captain Nero as Mrs Harrington would as she refused to "see" any color other than the colors of the rainbow") explained we should always try to find something good to add to something that is empty of extras. Be it fruit from like the Garden of Eden or be it nuts or seeds like Big Bird from Sesame Street, prefers, we should always fill our life and our cookies with as much goodness as possible. But some days, he said, some days its okay to have just a plain ole bit of sugar. As long as it's full of love and not hate.

So please do enjoy your plain white sugar cookies that are made with love. Black Panthers nor "all" white people do not encourage prejudice -- even if it's just against a cookie.

God bless us.

So we picked for our "American Cookie" the cookie below: because of the way it looks and the way it tastes. I encourage you to buy some today. As you can see the chocolate chips are hidden just as African American Heritage is hidden. And when we take a bite a beautiful explosion of chocolate erupts and elivenes our spirits.

And to top the cookie off, all of this occurs inside. Hidden away. Just like our souls are.

Thank you for listening. If these people could touch you just one percent how much they changed my life and gave me love and education and pride and so much faith in other people. Then you will be so better off

I hope you allow them to touch your souls.

Now here is the cookie you all have been waiting for:

We would laugh. And call it the "Soft Bitch" we may be going hard and fighting loud but we always have time for a tear, a hand to hold, a face to hug.

Because this is The United States of America. And she ain't all that bad. Not her citizens. Her government. Yes. But her citizens are blessed by her rich history of which she had no control over.

The American Cookie. A brown cookie, like a white person tans with perfect pieces of Black African American heart and soul baked in. Cookies of the United States of America. I always called them "American Cookies" We even had kids sit and mix up chocolate chip dough from scratch, each child getting to mix and have an ingredient added while they mixed. They all got to see the raw dough was White. Then They were baked with love by Momma Harrington and they came out tan. Like white people do in the sun. So they could see for certain how the African American were and are in the souls and minds of white people. And how without the African American pieces of love they were not complete. To prove this we made cookies without the chips and they were bland. "But What about White Supremacy? Because that was just America without us. But What about how they think?" I was asked. "I guess we could try Sugar Cookies then and see what happens. So we made beautiful sugar cookies with sugar crystals on top. Thank God our Black Panther Leader knew the words because i was at a loss.

"We all mixed and made those cookies. We saw what was in them! Sugar! We made them appeasing to the eye and different looking and more special looking than an old Chocolate Chip with those crystals. But those crystals?!? They ain't nothing. We got them in chocolate chip and that is all they put in the White Mass cookies. Then we sprinkled a little on top to make them look clean and beautiful like a real treasure. But the Treasure is Truth!!! They're missing the real thing! Sure they look beautiful especially in the sun, the crystals reflecting the lights all over but those crystals are Blinding us to the Truth!!! They are all a fraud!! But go ahead, eat them. I would too. White supremacist and all. Now let's growl!!"

Reminder Established in 1991:

Miss Leena has a different fund called ""Harriet Tubman's Self Worth Working Still Today" and she has 778 users of my funds whom also feed the people of their neighborhood and streets. They do collard greens, steak and potatoes soup daily. Saturday and Sunday add hot dogs and Sunday Morning they do their African American Heritage Stories. Of course 68% are certified Black Panthers as well but no one has to pledge to an organization to feed children with love m they just follow their hearts.

The account labeled "Black Panther Food Allocation - For the Street Kids" 962 people across the globe do this on their personal streets nightly. Feed kids collard greens, hot dogs and/or hamburgers (with cheese and iceberg lettuce, tomato, onions, relish and so on). And on Sundays tell the stories of Black American Leaders that intended to destroy prejudice and mistreatment and succeeded and the listeners all get cookies.

Of course I bought the secret Cookie to represent our Nation. The United States of America.

The United States was founded officially on July 4, 1776.

Due to this i requested our policy be to employ no more than 77% of African American and no less than 76% the remaining percent be of at least 4 different shades of white.

We start at $18 per hour as that is the adult age in the USA to represent freedom. We employ 2020 in each factory setting arena.

Then we changed the recipe, to take out the lumps. To promise a better and smoother future for all.

The Original cookie to represent the past is gone is pictured on the box as well as an elf. It is not misrepresentation of what is inside, unless you expected to find an elf as well. In no way is there any identifying words that says that is the what the cookie looks like inside. But it is the Original cookie artwork packaging as i bought it in 1991.

We have been sued over the artwork not representing the contents. Once i sued myself and won. I got good game. Y'all. Persuaded everyone to see it my way! It was a mock trial. And so it was to prepare for a real trial which did occur and we did win. We simply told the truth of our packaging and said we were not ready to reveal it. It was 2007 and we hadn't done a full reveal since 1991 and so why not leave us alone as we couldn't promise the change?!?!

We did word of mouth and some soft T.V. programming to indicate it. But never The full storey as I have today in pulic.

So again here is the Original cookie it did actually look like but did crumble more -- we kept that chocolate chip explosion. But bake them twice to have an outer coating of smoothness.

[infpgirl26]

Chapter one:

Author notes: my chapters are really long. Hopefully you are still here after a prologue with Tim Andrew and none of the boys. I feel like I need to give more of Clara's life, but I promise the cast is in this chapter too.

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First Step: you recognise that the other part is attractive. You know you love your partner, but that doesn't mean that you are blind. Actually, the beauty of long-term relationships is that. You know there is plenty of choices out there, but rather be if your love.

2 months later | Vancouver

Clara looked at the apartment with happiness.

"Finally" she cleaned her hands and smiled at the plants hanging everywhere. Her guitar where besides the shelf, where a tv was placed. Behind it some paints were hanging. The cozy and tiny apartment was finally having her touch, and Alex's too. He was a musician so she took care to put details about it in their decoration.

She did some paints and put on the walls, filled the balcony with plants and flowers and all place had some cactus or green spot. Even the bathroom. She was happier now, music, paints and plants. Perfect.

At the same moment she finished a delicious smell filled her senses and Clara naturally went towards the little kitchen.

She smiled, her tall and blond boyfriend was cooking for them, while listening to Mumfords and Sons, one of his favorite bands.

"Hey luv. Did you finish?" his brown eyes looked her up and down and Clara walked slowly, towards him " My shirt again? You can have it it now." Clara gave him a guilt smile, it was from his college times. Alex was graduated in a Music Conservatory.

"I think is true. Couples do start to look alike." she pointed to the same color of sweat pants and socks they were wearing "And yes" Clara hugged him from behind, peking what he was cooking. Pepper, broccoli and mushrooms. "I finished."

" Are you still sad because the coffee house fired you? " Clara sighed. Apparently, she wasn't a good waitress as she thought at first.

"No. Dunno, Just a little. I thought I lose my free coffee. But I charmed Pete and I still have my perks" he laughed at her positivity.

"Peter, the 16 years old waiter? You are so mean!" They laughed " I'm making the oriental pasta you like so much." Clara hide her face in his back, enjoying his good smell and familiarity "Even if you are an evil creature charming impressionable boys. I know moving here is making you sad and..."

"By boys you mean you. Right?" Clara turned him to her and smiled.

"Smart mouth" He gave her a peek kiss.

"For your information, the pasta's name is Yakisoba. Aaannd it is time for you to stop to feel guilt. You didn't hijack me or something. You have done a lot for me. It's my turn. And we are here for 2 months now. I need to get use to it."

"Clara, I already told you, I'm happy to support you, always. If you don't want you don't need to go to an underpaid job. You can focus on your career..." She left his embrace and crossed her arms. "And anytime I have a break from school we can go visit"

"Now. This. This is the kind of conversation I don't want to have with you anymore." He made a pout to her, like a little boy, nodded and begin to smile "What? Are you crazy? "

" In that case... " he turned off the stove and walked to her, passing his arms around her waist "I made some connections, here and there." He was smirking. Clara loved when he did that "And maybe, maybe I got you an audition to a big TV show."

"What? Are you... What?"

"I noted that you were kind of depressed doing regular job at the coffee shop. And, auditions in theaters here weren't going well for you. Every no making you more anxious. So I talked with one professor in college and, well he know someone who know someone. He get an audition for you."

Clara's heart begin to jump. She looked at his eyes with doubts.

'"Come again?"

"My professor from college, get you one audition. For acting, once you are an actress! Well, I guess you are. Right? " Clara hugged him, jumping with joy.

"Well Al. How come a musician master's teacher had this contacts? Wait! What's about... An... What's the show is about?"

"It is Supernatural!" Alex smiled wildly and Clara looked at him confused.

" Ok, but what kind? Demons, aliens, no aliens are sci-fy! Oh, is it witchcraft?"

Alex almost got dizzy and stroke her arms while she was having her flood of words.

"Clara, I can't believe you don't know Supernatural. What kind of actress are you?" He joked "First and more important. You need to be there in the next week. This season is already starting to be filmed, but this character will be introduced later. They will talk about the new character and if you like her, why not try?  And the show is about two brothers hunting things. Monsters, ghosts, demons. Ring any bells?"

"I'm more into spiritism than catholic. Don't know about gospel novels. But I like Jesus philosophy of life."

"Oh my God Clara!" he began to laugh " Are you north american? It's Supernatural. Everyone knows this guys! It's impossible for you... Make some research before you go, like a job interview, ok?" She nodded and kissed him with affection.

" It is, indeed, a job interview! Thanks babe. I love you"

"Love you too, pretty face." He gave her nose a peek kiss "Now, let me finish this yakisoup of yours"

" Yakisoba you dork. Hey, Alex." Their eyes met again " Are you sure you don't want to..." She sat on the table and looked at him with desire "Have your thank you gift?" And Clara took off the shirt after this. Alex sighed, she wasn't wearing a bra and her light tan skin was calling for him.

" Oh love. I have this article to finish..." but he was already with his hands on her waist and mouth close to hers.

"This masters scholarship you got yourself into. I barely can fuck you anymore." she joked "But, not even a quick fuck?" Clara asked and he moaned in a low tone when she said that to him.

"Just a little faster than normal" he whispered and finally took her lips. The dinner was never finished.

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Tim rolled his eyes when Eric started to talk again. They were sat in the audience room, tired and ready to choose the last brunette that tried the role. The producers were tired of his picky behaviour too.

"I swear. This role is not even so big deal for you to be like this Tim."

"I can see what you can't. It is our chance to make a little more of justice about females on the show. And everybody loves time travel and traumatized characters."

"Ok. This week is your deadline. You go to find your burlesque muse or we are hiring the last girl. She was nice and knows how to act a bit." Eric rolled his eyes " Next is this Clara Grant.

Tim couldn't explain why he was comparing the actresses to the mysterious artist from Minneapolis. He wanted somebody different and captiving. She was that. His thoughts were interrupted when the next candidate entered the room. His jaw dropped. It was her. Definitely her. More hippie than the image he had of her, but the face he was looking for was right in front of him.

"Hi, my name is Clara Diaz Grant and I'm here to the role of Jane Miler."

"Diaz? Where are you from?". Eric asked, looking her up and down.

"Minneapolis. But in colonials times, I guess, my mom's family was Spanish or something. Different of the Vikings from my hometown" she gave them a little smile and Eric was hooked by the lazy way she did it. At the same time, he wasn't so sure if a girl with a hippie and light vibe could live Jane properly.

"Ok, Clara. How long have you been acting?". Tim asked with a hand in his chin and amazed with his luck.

"Oh, since childhood. But I stopped for some years to do my philosophy degree. And then went back to acting since 26"

" A dear friend of mine get you this audition. Let's say we don't give chances to people with no experience on TV. " Eric was looking for her résumé, missing how nervous he made her.

"Yes. I don't have any" she shrugged "But I have years of theater and circus. Live audiences are always far more intimidating, in my point of view.". She smiled again and Eric liked her.

"Ok. You can start."

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Two weeks later

She ran away and knew that people were after her. But the breakpoint was what she saw on that message.

She laughed, one depressive and sad laugh. She threw her phone away. Her parents were killed because of her. The only person she trusted beside them were Luke and he did that to her.

Probably he was the one who gave her informations to them. She was alone, no one to care about her and, of course, cursed.

She was on the bridge and began to cry. She felt her body trembling, like when she travel. And she couldn't control herself anymore. She looked for the river and swallowed. It was early in the morning and then she feel, the travel effect again.

It was night now. She jumped in time again. She was so tired of that. She looked at the river and took one deep breath.

What she had? She was useless. Hadn't friends that will care and knew what being alive means. They will hurt her. More and more.

"Hey, you!" one male voice called her. She jumped before someone could talk her out of this craziness. But the voice was so much closer than she imagined and catch her before her body left the ground.

"I gotcha you" the men whispered with worry " Hey..."

"Let me die!!!" she screamed between sobs "Just let me die"

" I can't do this. I'm already involved and what am I supposed to tell to your family?"

"Good luck talking to dead people." she screamed trying to break the embrace " let me go!"

"No. Not until I know that you wouldn't..."

"Why do you care?" she was very angry now. The person that was holding her turned her around. She saw one tall men and hazel eyes. He had long hair and worried expression

"Let me go" she growled and the men did something that she thought she never would feel again. He clean her tears and hugged her, with worry.

"Hey, things will be fine"

"No!" she said crying " I'm cursed"

"What do you think about being cursed together, away from.this bridged? Where we can talk"

"Let me die..." But she hugged the men back, with so much need that the other almost cried with her " I just want this to end"

"No. You don't. Let me take care of you." and she let the other lift her.

They went to the men's car and the guy made her comfortable in the passenger seat. The men took her hair from her eyes and looked at her like he was really feeling her pain. "What is your name? So we can reach someone..."

"There's no one." She answered and her heart hurt a little more. "My name is... Jane."

"Hi Jane. I'm Sam."

"...AND CUT" The director's voice was filled with joy "Oh my God, Clara. That was intense. Girl! And Jared. How broken heart are you?" The actor smiled and went off the car. "I knew you are perfect for this wrecked girl!! My perfect Jane."

"It's me, all hopeless."

Clara was still coming back from the emotions of her character and a little overwhelmed. At first, when she did the audition, she thought she smiled too much, talked to much and didn't know how to stand in the room.

Eric's speech about experience made her more nervous, was his way to say. "I'm just doing a favor. Get out"  and her stupid nervous joke about vikings, she just wanted to kick herself.

She was feeling everything when she read her lines for them. But in some seconds she felt so great doing what she loved that she just let the character emotions fill her. When she finished, Eric was speechless and she got the job.

Now she was there. And the anxiety with new people, new job, new routine, was too much.

"Great job you two" Tim Andrew, the more friendly one, patted her shoulder and left. She knew her life was one step to change forever. She just haven't any idea if it would be for better or worse. Her contract was for seven episodes and if the fans like her character she would be part of the cast for a year. Seven episodes would be worth a year. And for the first time in her life she would have a good payment.

"Hope you are more comfortable now". Jared said while they went to the coffee table.

" It's all new yet. And the fact that I don't know the whole cast still bugs me"

"Don't worry. I'm the one who arrives screaming." Clara laughed. First day on set, before filming she had to know some colleagues and Jared arrived with some attitude and he was the tallest men she ever saw in her life.

"I get it. You almost don't get attention with your height and perfect hair". She laughed and Jared rolled his eyes laughing too.

"So, Clara." He started while she went for coffee "How do you feel about participating in TV?" She smiled with laziness for him and looked around. The scenario was huge, so different from the abstract theater, and cameras were everywhere. The place Jane tried to jump? Only a fake bridge with green screen in front of her.

"I was never in TV before. Just dramatics. Underground and so many alternative plays."

"I get it.  You were such a hippie and "mainstream" shows was never your thing."  He teased and she laughed. Jared sipped his coffee.

"Yes. Exactly this. I guess. It is overwhelming. And I need to remember there is no need to change my voice tone as in stage."

" But the magic, still remains?"

"Yes. Of course" she drank her coffee and it was too hot. The liquid burned her tongue and she swallowed before it could do more harm.

"Oofta! Gzzz" She shook her hands and blinked. Jared looked at her with amusement.

"Oofta? What the hell? "

"You're so rude!". She laughed.

"Your accent is more Canadian than the real Canadians."

"I don't have an accent. Pfff"

"Oh, oofta, my bad. You haven't"

"Shut up" She hid her smile with the plastic cup.

"Can I say something? I was really curious about you."

"Really?". Clara was a little bit uncomfortable because Jared was really handsome and talked almost in an intimidating very secure way "Andrew was looking for someone different. With ... With heart. Someone who could play Jane with perfection. He and Kripke were starting to be crazy about that. They were really pick. And now the cast is curious."

"She is a very deep girl. From what I already read. And thanks for letting me know people are curious about me. But I guess I met some of them." She answered with a joking/acid tone.

"Yes. You did. But the worst, not yet. And by worst I mean Jensen and...

"Hey weirdos" One playful voice was heard. She could see someone hugging Jared from behind.

"That's my girl" the voice said. Clara laughed. That, the intimacy the cast had, overwhelmed her. She was the new one. The outsider.

"Personal Space, perv" Jared said. "See Grant. This is what I mean. Get your hands out of my... Me"

"I don't think I can do it." He was in her view now, and she knew, from previous research, that he was Castiel, or Misca something. Her heart jumped a little bit when he smiled at her. His smile lit up his whole face.

"Jensen and I were watching you two." he looked at her, really friendly , wearing his show clothes and looking very excited with something. Clara associated him with one cute big kid. She liked it Immediately. The blue eyes weren't so intimidating as Jared.

"And I need to say ... You are damn good. That scene made Jensen emotional. The men is crying because of you " he said with exaggerated worry. Clara laughed. The way he talks making her lighter.

"I heard that before. From a friend of my ex. " She joked looking at him with a playful smile. He came closer to be part of her talk with Jared and took a coffee too. Clara was intrigued with that men who looked like one ball of energy and some cynicism.

"I liked her." He said to Jared, "Misha Collins, by the way." He gave her a smile and she thought he was handsome and charming in one unique way. His smile made her comfortable too.

"Clara Diaz Grant." She nodded at him using her big and ice break smile. Her heart was still a little crazy with so much news.

Misha, being all Misha, didn't hide how he liked it.

"Your smile is beautiful!"

"Thank you, handsome." Fuck, she couldn't understand why she went a full "Chandler Bing" mood when she felt anxious. Smiles and jokes always helped her, but sometimes she just wanted to kick herself in the ass. People miss judge her for superficial sometimes, because of that.

"You are welcome gorgeous girl." He blinked one eye at her like he told her one secret and Clara smirked at him. The older men drank some coffee and went off.

"Misha has no filter sometimes, gorgeous girl" Jared teased. She was about to answer his teasing but was interrupted.

"Clara, Jared. Back to the spot! Now! " They heard Tim saying and laughed before going back to the scene.

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One week later

Clara was taking her shower in her trailer trying really hard to clean the mess in her head. While filming, every time she made a mistake she joked about it to be easier on herself and maybe Eric was thinking he was right and she was, indeed, unprofessional.

She was feeling a little lonely and outsider once the cast knew each other for so long now. But she knew how to make friends. So it couldn't be a big deal. Right? Doubting herself never helped, so she just breathed. People... She would get along eventually.

And she was tired. She never thought one episode would take so long to film. Seven days non stop and she just left the set one day. Alex was surprised by her schedule and so as she. But her sensible musician boyfriend understood and was proud of her, as he said. She was tired, needing to hug Alex and tell him how overwhelming was filming 7/8 hours per day and meet so much people. She never ever gave a second thought to tv and cinema. Her focus was the stage and the adrenaline from a live audience.

What if someone thinks she was boring and never hang out with her? What if people in TV were fake and faking kindness just to turn her down later? What if the guys noted that she thinks they are hot? And make fun of her because of it? They were all attractive and she was so... Clara. She knows her traits in appearance, but on that moment.

"Oh boy"

She groaned under the water. And it was one week!!! One entire stressful week just for her first episode! They would be filming more 6!

"Can I do that?" she talked to herself while turning off the shower and taking a towel. "What if fandom don't like Jane?" She heard a knock on the door and dressed fast.

"Wait a minute" her soaked and messy hair would have attention later. She ran in her tiny trailer and opened the door. It was the cast. Well, some of them. Like Misha, Ruth, Donald, David Jensen and Rob Benedict. The last one she just knew by photos. Ruth was holding one tequila bottle and smiling in front of the rest of the guys. The redhead looked like someone who had that idea.

"Heeeey Clara" She said shaking the bottle in front of her "We have one tradition on set. All the new members need to go out with us and get wasted to be part of the family. Ok?" Clara smiled, surprised. It reminds her of her friends in Minneapolis

"I was thinking to go to home today..."

"No way" Rob said "Go, change and meet us in 15 minutes"

"Where are we going?"

"The best place ever" Ruth said " We really want to meet you" She looked at Jensen, who already filmed with her. Clara liked him, because he was calm and funny. He smiled.

"Go. Or Misha and Ruth will never let me alone" Clara smiled and closed the door to change and fix her hair.

She sent a message to Alex explaining the situation and he answered with a supportive text. He said that she needed to be friends with people of the show. Speaking of the cast, she got along with Jensen, because he was more sensible and had more subjects in common with her. She couldn't get along with the others yet. And Jared was competitive, she still didn't know how to deal with him.

Clara looked at her clothes options and tried to choose fast. She decided to put one warm, right on the knees, black dress. It looked like some boho coat and got along with her military boots. She put one dark green hood and red lipstick. It was cold out there. Her visual was warm and 70's hippie at the same time and she loved that. Because it felt so comfortable. No jeans could compete with a women in comfortable clothes and military boots.

"Ready to kick some Nazis face" she joked to herself in the mirror and laughed.

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"What do you think about her?" Ruth asked excited to go get drunk for a while. Jensen laughed.

"Well, she is very calm and funny."

"She is beautiful" Rob pointed with a smirk and Jensen smiled at him.

"Me too." He teased.

"She seems less conceited." Jensen send a kiss to Rob and the men rolled his eyes. "I'm very curious, in fact. Because of the 'Andrew seeking for his muse' story." Everybody agreed. They are waiting in front of Jensen's car, that was the bigger one and everyone could be together.

"What do you think, handsome?" Jensen said while moving his eyebrows to Misha who laughed and blocked his phone. He was on twitter doing who knows what all the time. Misha just moved his lips asking Jensen to fuck off.

They stopped to talk when Clara arrived. Misha saw her without Jane's outfit for the first time. She was walking toward them with one big and lazy smile. He liked her vibe and noted she had natural brown hair, it was wavy and messy. She was wearing some clothes that remember him of those girls from Coachella. When she was near him he could smell fresh shampoo and felt something weird on the top of his stomach, like wind.

"Where is Woodstock this time?" he teased with no self control. She rolled her eyes at him, but the playful expression was there yet.

"Far away from your sense of fashion. Moma boy." She looked him up and down and Misha fixed his sweater, self conscious.

"It is cold. Can't you feel with this bare legs?" Clara widened her eyes with his audacity

"It is style.  And yours is a nerd at level 10. And by 10, I mean you really look like a boy." She smiled with her chin up and Jensen petted her shoulder.

"First thing to being part of the group is to make fun of Misha."

"This..An...This is not true you idiot." Misha rolled his eyes, done with Jensen and Clara wink at him

"No hard feelings". He snorted in a over dramatic way and let it go by laughing

"So, let's go? Sorry to let you hanging, girl hair, cold weather. I needed to dry."

"You are forgiven" Jensen joked in a formal way and Clara smiled at him

"Thank you pop. I could never live without your pardon"

"Smartass. Let's go"

Jensen and Rob are at the front seats because they are talking about music. Clara was really interested in their subject but being between Misha and Ruth got her distracted. And they are drinking already.

"Still a secret. The place we go?" she drank from the bottle and closed her eyes.

"Yup" Misha said " We will initiate you in some dark ritual and if you don't go along we will kill you."

Clara looked at him scared and horrified, Misha would start to apologised, but she begin to say.

"Oh for Satan sakes" she looked at David "With all due respect" and then back to Misha "But how did you know about my weekends activities?". He almost closed his eyes, trying to answer her, but gave up and laughed.

"Smartmouth" he took the bottle from her and drank too.

The card ride wasn't so fast, but everyone was laughing a lot. Clara was feeling much better in that moment, tequila was helping. She talked to everybody all the way and really get along with Ruth and David. Misha was funny too, but he was on his phone a lot, Donald too. And that bothered Clara. She just hated technology sometimes.

They finally arrived. It was one little and hidden pub. Inside, all the decoration was with circus theme and lamps. Her heart jumped in that moment. If it wasn't a signal of the universe, that she needed to be on that place, with that people, on that moment, she didn't know what else could be.

The decoration already won her heart. It was so cool that she couldn't get ride of her smile. Every detail was magical Including the art on the walls.

The group went upstairs where the employees seems to know everyone. Clara sat in a dark and fluffy couch that  was circulating the table. She was sitting next to Ruth and Jensen. After everybody sat they started to order.

Clara was having a hard time controlling herself, because she wanted to snap Misha's hands if he didn't turned off that little evil machine, vulgarly called like a fruit. She just hated Apple sometimes.

"Hey guys, who is the new one?" Clara smiled at the guy with the menu in hands. He was hot, with tan skin and a great smile "Are you ready for the initiation ritual?"

"Of course. I already brought the dead kittens!" She smiled back and the guy nodded.

"I'm William​, by the way. We don't need dead kittens. Just tequila"

"Oh, so wasted kittens. I'm Clara Grant. The new one!"

"Welcome little last sis. Well, here's the glasses for the Tequila thing. Something more? A burger?"

"Clara is the guest. She will order." Clara smiled at Jensen and he was intrigued by the way her smile always looked like lazy. He bet it was weed.

David was putting tequila to everyone while Clara was choosing food.

"Well. Let's start with onions rings. But nothing dead. Please. I don't eat animals."

"Vegetarian team" Ruth high fived Clara and she stroke her own face as in a commercial.

"Make my skin younger"

"Hey Misha! Let's do that" David called and the blue eyed men smiled at him and left his phone.

"I'm almost done. Really!" he excused himself and everyone started to mumbling like him "I..I.. I'm telling them about Clara!! That's all."

"So, what I was talking about?" She challenged and rest her chin in her hand, looking defiant at him. Misha liked it and made the same sassy face at her.

"About you being a vegetarian."

"The millennials" you faked one exasperated tone. And it was more fun because Misha was a little offended.

"I'm not one!"

"I can see that" She sassy her way out of the conversation

"Younger and better is the biggest lie in our society" he joked back and lift his glass.

Everyone did the same and drank. Misha looked at her eyes, she felt her cheeks burning with his stare "And, as a buddhist I appreciate your vegetarian habits."

Clara smiled feeling the buzz heating her harder. She was with empty stomach and drank one more. She let the alcohol catch her mind and lessen her inhibitions.

People continue to talk and Misha went back to his phone. After the third shot she couldn't bring herself to stop what she did next.

"Give me this shit" and took the phone from Misha's hands.

"What are you doing?" He opened his mouth, rising his eyebrows to her. Then she stole everyone's phones, including her own, and took out her hood. She put the devices inside the hood and placed that in the center of the table "The first who take the phone will pay the bill."

"You are so bossy!" Misha teased and Clara smirked at him, almost flirting.

"I'm used to hear that too" he smiled and took another shot, eyes locked into hers

"Tequila's arrives the truth rises" Ruth said " Now, we will do the asking game. We will ask you a bunch of shame questions. If you answer the people who asked will drink. If you don't you drink. Ok?

"That is tricky. What If I lie?

"Like I said. Truth rises. And this night is to people get to know you. This really helps with our line of job. " Clara liked that. "So. I'm the first because I want to drink. How old are you and where are you from?"

"I'm not so young like I want and my home is Minneapolis." Ruth drank.

"I want to know." David started "Are you from natural communities or something? Because you look like so cool and natural" she smiled at him.

"I'm graduated in philosophy and I guess that is a yes because, you already saw philosophy students?"

"My turn!" Jensen asked excited and Clara looked at him curious "Do you have weed?" Everyone was laughing now. "I'm serious!" She smiled and drank without answered that one. Misha and Jensen exchange glances after that.

Of course she had, she just didn't want to smoke with her new work colleagues. That could be bad, if anyone tell to the boss or was too conservative.

"You said." Misha begin looking right in her eyes "That you had a couple of tattoos. Where and what?" Clara raised an eyebrow at him with a playful expression and stood up. She lifted a little bit of her dress exposing her right thigh.

"This is an Owl." Misha observed her light tan thigh exposed a little bit and a black and white draw.

"It is tribal making the Owl?" he asked interested. She nodded. No one could see a lot because she pulled the dress down fast.

"I have this one too" She lifted the dress from her left wrist. It was one little spaceship taking someone from the ground "I love the concept of abduction" Clara explained. Misha laughed at the explanation"The others are hidden.A dreamcatcher in my entire back. Another one here." She touched her right arm "It is one water color draw and said "Some kind of magic" because everyone needs it in their lives"

"You are such a poetry, aren't you? "Misha said with an enchanted smiled at her. "I will drink to that" She didn't know if he was being sassy or serious so she drank too.

Clara didn't know how things get to that, but once more beer and tequila was coming, more fun and personal things were said. She asked to her new friends a lot of things too and in some point off drunkenness buzz she went to the bathroom and was lost in the wallpaper's place.

It was a lot of white and black draws of clowns, trapeze artists and circus crew. So burlesque and magical. She missed her old friends, but was fine for now. Clara looked around and found one pen. Feeling very creative, she just follow her impulse.

Back on the table

"Hey, Clara is taking a lot of time." Donald pointed while Jensen and Rob are singing some stupid thing to Ruth. The redhead was laughing a lot. Everybody on that table was passing the point of drunk.

"Yeah. I will check." Misha offered "Do you remember Samantha? Passed out on the floor." Donald agreed and Misha went to the bathrooms. He saw Clara on the floor and for a second thought his assumptions were right. Only to see she was pretty awake and doing something on the wall. He approached her "Are you depriving the pub?"

Clara jumped and then smiled at him.

"I'm contributing" and waved with her head telling him to come closer. Misha smiled, impressed and a little too drunk. He saw that Clara drew one beautiful and perfect ballerina besides the other members of the crew "She was taking the picture, she couldn't show." the brunette explained to him like a secret "So I made some magic and did her appear."

Clara was so wasted that she begin to laugh a lot. He thought that she was very cute and nice at that moment. For him it was obvious that she had some artist vein for sure. Her doodle was very good.

"Someone saw my pen?" The bartender shouted at the people and Clara begin to laugh like a child. Misha left the pen on the balcony with an accomplice glance to her. In her drunkenness bliss Clara felt her cheeks burning with his smile.

"That will be our secret. You punk." Clara gave him the biggest smile of the night. The men felt his face red like he was a 12 years old boy. Of course he blamed tequila. "Let's going back."

After her little vandalism act she went back to the group. It was one wonderful time. Everyone laughed and get along really well. In some part of the night someone stole a phone and photos began to be taking. The bartender was a friend of Rob and he drive one wasted cast back to the studios. All of them had filming schedule in the next day. Clara's was just in afternoon. Her character, Jane, would meet Castiel and Garth. It would be fun once she already saw they very wasted face.

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A/N: So this is the end of first chapter. You will see more of the cast for now. And so much more of Clara's point of view. I felt that it was important for her to be introduced before she met her love interest and everything, I just feel it. And, as explained before. This fanfiction is almost my laboratory, so feedbacks are more than welcome.

Well, be aware, I'm a hopeless romantic with a vein for drama. So, a lot of fluffy and anguish will be ahead of us for now. I don't know if I will update soon. My routine is really busy, but I will try once a week, I hope.

XOXO INFP Girl

List of chapters:

Prologue

#mishacollinsfanfiction #misha collins #misha collins ofc #original character #mishacollinsship #supernaturalcast #supernatural fanfiction #real person fiction #supernatural