#'our seafood is overpriced and bland but at least it's legal!'

[rcmclachlan]

I’m going to Boston for my birthday in May. I’ve never been before. Do you know any cool places or must sees to visit while there?

Hey there, fellow Mayby! There are plenty of things to do in Boston—it all depends on what kinds of things you like to do. Most of it’s outdoors, but don’t let that stop you! With a pub every six feet and more historically-themed gift shops than you can shake a Patriots shirt at, you’ll find something! 

Outdoors

May can still be kinda chilly, so these are all weather-depending, buuuut:

+ Whale watch: Depart from Gloucester or Boston and head on down to Stellwagen Bank to see humpback and right whales! Last time I went with @nanoochka and @neenya and it was awesome. If you leave from Gloucester, make sure to try the clam chowder that some rando will be selling outside the marina for $5. It’s dubious in nature and the guy dishing it out will probably look like a just-escaped serial killer, but for $5 it’s the bomb.

+ Public Gardens: Stroll through the newly blooming Gardens for a glimpse of several species of waterfowl that will cut you for a piece of bread, and about 75 different wedding photo shoots happening simultaneously. But the squirrels will literally sit in your lap if you let them and people are walking all sorts of friendly doggos, so it all evens out.

+ Arboretum: If you love trees, then boy howdy, do I have a place for you. And since you’re going in May, chances are it’ll be, as all the flamboyant space radio hosts say, SUPER GREEN. It’s also free, so there’s that.

+ Freedom Trail: If you have approximately 4 days and the historical boner of a 67-year old who’s never cracked a textbook or watched The Patriot, then check out the 16 sites on the Freedom Trail! 

+ Duck Boat Tour: I think the Duck Boat Tours were started by someone who, like the rest of us Massholes, was 1000% done with all the potholes and dreamt of just driving straight into the Charles River. Sit with a whole bunch of strangers on a weird semi-aquatic Hummer and, when the guide invites all the little kids on board to drive the thing, secretly root for them to run over someone in a kayak.

+ Faneuil Hall & Quincy Market: It’s a big, outdoor mall. The restaurant Cheers is there (it’s not that great, lbr) and so is this bakery that makes frosted sugar cookies the size of your head. Also, visit the Newbury Comics there—it’s the best one.

+ Newbury Street: Come one, come all, to the most overpriced string of boutiques, shops, and restaurants this side of Jupiter. But it’s a great place to people watch. 

+ Harvard Square: Just to be able to say that you tripped over the uneven sidewalk outside of the Garage.

+ Skywalk: Schlep your way to the top of the city! It’s a guided walking tour and a reminder that Boston’s city grid is a fucking mess of old horse trails and terrible drivers. You can also see every Dunkin Donuts within 100 miles in every direction.

+ Plymouth Rock: It’s a rock. A small one. I’ve just saved you a lot of time and disappointment. You’re welcome.

+ The Middle East: I don’t drink, but it’s a great place to meet up, get some apps, and listen to some awesome live music. Check to see who’s playing. I’ve never seen a terrible music act there.

Indoors

+ Museums: Science, Aquarium (it’s a fish museum, don’t fight me on this), Gardner, Fine Arts, JFK Library, MIT, etc, etc. You want museums? We got museums. There are more. It’s just... how many museums do you really need to visit in one stop? 

+ Legoland: Not sure if they’re letting in the whole public or if you still need a kid under the age of 14 to get in, but take a chance and grab a child off the street if you must. Legoland is worth it.

+ Boston Public Library: Half library, half Mr. Darcy’s foyer from the 2005 Pride and Prejudice, it’s actually pretty awesome. I did a photoshoot there once. 

Restaurants

+ Fogo de Chao: Make sure you’re hungry, and don’t make the rookie mistake of going to the salad bar and filling up on balsamic cocktail onions before Go Time. Also, don’t try to crawl into their literal oil drum full of parmesan shards. Which I’ve definitely never done.

+ Yume Wo Katare: Have you ever wondered what hopes and dreams taste like, or ever wanted someone to force you to say yours out loud? Then get ready for some delicious and uncomfortable ramen!

+ Hei La Moon: So much dim sum. So much. Eat an entire tray of sticky BBQ pork buns for me, please. Best if you go with a group of 5 or more so you can order a stupid amount of food and not feel bad about yourself (or the bill).

+ Causeway: This is north of Boston, in the lovely sea shanty town of Gloucester. If you’re already up there for the whale watch, then DEFINITELY make sure you go here. Best seafood, and the BEST clam chowder you will ever have. Ever. I am a clam chowder connoisseur and I have never found a better white fluid to put in one’s body. Also highly recommend the haddock au gratin. You’ll have enough leftovers to see you through like the next two weeks.

+ Legal Seafood: I’m kidding. If you go here, I will personally kick the shit out of you.

Any of my fellow Masshats want to chime in? Did I miss anything? 

#i hate legal seafood #like let's start with the name #the best adjective they could come up with was 'legal' #'our seafood is overpriced and bland but at least it's legal!' #boston #massachusetts #massholes unite #poorlonelycasiopeia