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#Spotify #playlist #music #spotify playlist #concept playlist #theme playlist #spotify music #my playlist #mood playlist #music recs #spotify link #music reccomendations #surf curse #wallows #the strokes #the 1975 #wet leg #the drums #flipturn #inhaler #new order #hunny #the cure #daydreamers #viola beach #current joys #edgehill

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Ruth Awad, from “Let me be a lamb in a world that wants my lion”

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Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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DUA LIPA via Instagram (January 22, 2024)

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crying and sobbing bc at the end of the day all i want is a partner who is sweet to me and thinks of me fondly

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I don’t know how to explain it, but I just have so much love to give. So much so that it suffocates or scares the people around me. It makes me feel so resentful and angry that I feel like I can’t safely give my love to anyone anymore.

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'tumblr is full of 14 year olds' wrong tumblr is full of 24 year olds who just don't do anything. and that's okay

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Zayn at @/maisonvalentino (Paris, 20.01.2024)

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having short-term memory is like. this book profoundly affected me. that show bared my soul. i don’t remember a single thing about it. but it did

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As I grow older, the thought of being in an intimate relationship, romantic or not, scares me.

To be vulnerable, to put down all my walls and masks to show who I truly am underneath it, to show them all my broken edges, my flaws, my weaknesses; the ugly side of my personality that I had realised I've covered up for so long.

To show my heart, in all it's ugly sides and hurt and scars, to them on a silver plate, and turn my back, and trust they will take good care of it.

I don't want to be cynical, to be unable to trust someone even after I befriended them, but I grew up in a household that didn't believe in me. That couldn't trust me, even when I haven't done anything. The blind trust that I had, broken to pieces.

I've been hurt a lot of times, as a child, as a teenager, and as me now. By my peers, who mocked my interests. By my friends, who hurt me by their words. By my own kin, when my parents didn't understand the concept of trusting friends, to connect with people emotionally and seek out that healthy emotional connection.

And as I grew older, it's easier to see that I simply couldn't trust even my own parents with even the simplest of secrets, because they have closed off everything and became paranoid and distrustful, even hate, over anything that they couldn't micromanage. I wanted to talk about my day with friends, but I was shot down before I could begin when they told me that I should make "useful friends" that can "bring me places" instead. That I had to hide that I made friends with males instead of females, because it hurt when I was accused of selling my body to them because I was "talking to them for more that 30 minutes." That I was up to no good just because I stayed up late for a group project.

This kind of distrust, as I grew up, had changed me. That my apathy and emotional distance had grown because of it, and I realised that I was afraid of being vulnerable again. Of baring my heart because I was afraid to be mocked, criticized, hated for just this thing.

I want to be able to trust people, to give them the benefit of the doubt instead of distrusting them forever. To be able to see what they have done to me, and be able to judge them fairly and trust my own judgement. To not be blinded by my biases and fears. I want to be able to see people and connect with them, to say heart to heart and be able to laugh off mistakes and communicate instead. To know that, even when I hurt them and they hurt me, that my heart, for all it's ugly sides, can taken care off.

I want to be trusted, for people to see me as someone that deserves their love. To be chosen as someone that they can confidently say as "their closest". I want to be able to trust myself to hold my own heart, to look at it and go "I'm not a monster, I'm not perfect, I'm merely human, and it's okay." I want to trust my own judgement, and say that "You are being hurt, you are being necessary, you are doing this to help yourself."

I want to trust even when I hurt someone, that someone will come up to me and correct me, and that I can believe them. To believe that they're not merely manipulating me, to believe that they want the best for me, to believe that they genuinely support me, that their criticism aren't just insults veiled in thin excuses of attempts in emotionally manipulating me. To believe that they're genuine, and that they're truly happy for me when they compliment me. To know that they really want me to be better as a person.

I want to trust, and be trustworthy.

I want to be fair. I want to be happy.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel content.

I don't know if I can. I'll try though.

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as i grow older i begin to question,

will i ever feel someone truly love me?

my concept of love has been demolished by those who couldn’t do it in the past, that i doubt myself more and more. will i ever experience love without condition, without reason? will i ever experience being loved the way i love? will i ever be hard to leave? or will i go through my entire life being easy to leave and hard to love? what if no one stays? what will i do then? just once i want to be so incredibly important to someone that i can 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 it. i want to be someone’s first choice. i want someone to look for me in a crowd of people. i just want someone to 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦. i’m tired of being alone. i’m ready to love. i’m ready to feel loved. i think i’ve always desired it, always craved it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩. honestly i just want a hug. i want a hug from someone who loves me. i just want to feel like i’m not as horrible as i think i am.

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no longer asking what’s wrong with me i don’t believe i care to know

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DUA LIPA via Instagram (January 24, 2024)

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Some friends are getting married, some of them are in good stable relationship. I question myself why I don’t have anyone. I do understand that everyone moves in a different pace. However it would be nice to be loved. To love someone, to wake up with their nice messages, to sleep hearing them saying good night, to be important. I would like that.

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