your-heart-is-tasty

[your-heart-is-tasty]

04/30/2023 4:43 am

I’m sorry you’ve had a tough few years my dear. I want you to be happy, I want to be there for you, you deserve someone who cares. I will never betray the trust and intimacy you have given me. I love you.

I don’t know if you’ll ever find this entry into your journal, but if you do, forgive me for the intrusion. You’ll eventually learn that I’m very nosy. I won’t treat you differently for having read this, I think I’ve overstayed my welcome here so I will go now. Once again, I love you

~ #10

[your-heart-is-tasty]

My life is a joke.

#Spotify

[your-heart-is-tasty]

1/27/22

I like the feeling of pain. I like it when a small blade cuts though my skin, opening me up like I was nothing big to take care of. I like the looks of my cuts healing. I like it when I bleed more and more. each time my action to my body gets deeper and deeper. it's like I have control of something in my life. it's my only thing I have to the feeling of bring in control. the world can go fuck itself. there's nothing but annoying people, mean people and people wasting my time. so the world can go fuck itself.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

12/12/2021

I feel disappointed in myself, I promised myself I would stop cutting altogether but I just cut my ankle without thinking. I'm so mad at myself. I miss James so much and I feel so lonely. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I can't remember what James sounds like anymore. I worry about him, I just wanna know if he's alright. I feel like everyone around me hates me. I don't know anymore. I feel mad inside all the time. I feel like any day now I'm gonna snap.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

10/6/2021

i'm not ready to say "i love you" again.

I don't like saying I love you to someone I don't love.

i don't use the word for anyone. it would ruin the whole meaning.

I miss him sometimes and sometimes I don't.

i hate him but i love him at the same time.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

9/5/2021

he broke up with me again.

he said we weren't meant to be.

fuck him.

i'm gonna date girls now.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

8/29/2021

i'm unsure of what i want anymore. i'm having dreams of me cheating on James. I barely see him these days. every time I try to ask him to go somewhere like a date, he says something like "idk, I have homework." or "can't, i'm going to my aunt's house." or just plainly "idk." he ALWAYS asks me to go to his house and not an actually date. I feel like he only wants to have sex with me and that's it. nothing more, no actual love. when we were apart he was saying these like, "I don't know how this is going to work." or "i don't see you." or "i'm so sad I can't see you." I don't get it. if you wanted to see why don't you actually try to see me? then he broke up with me. I knew it wasn't gonna work and I was ready to move on. 12 days later, he texts me back asking to get back together. i'm a real sucker for James so i said yes. but I thought things would be different, I thought he would try harder to work things out. the break up didn't change anything. i'm so unsure now. I got so mad at this that I punched myself and gave myself a nosebleed.

I love James but it's so hard. I just want to love him like how normal couples love each other. like go on a date, walk to class together, write cute notes for each other, get matching rings, actually talk to each other, share a milkshake, dance together, go to prom together.

but all i get is a cold text message. the words, "yes" "no" and "okay" is all the love I get.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

8/28/2021

James and I are back together again. He crawled back to me for some reason. nothing has changed from the first time we started dating. which isn't really how I thought things would go.

I feel fake, I feel like everything I do doesn't change anything. people touched me. people hurt me. people laughed at me. people just stand here and watched me cry.

I really want to ends things.

I got my blood work done a week ago for the ER. I like the look of the bruise.

#my life sucks #my dumb life #bruise #stressed as hell

[your-heart-is-tasty]

8/14/2021

James and I decided to spend some time apart. honestly it's been only 3 days and I miss him. This whole thing, this whole relationship was like... everything to me. I worked so hard to make it work but it's never enough? right?.......... i'm not good enough for everyone. I'm not good enough for my family, James, my friends, school, living etc and i'm fine with that, I know i will never be good enough. I know will always be okay. okay with the fact my family said, "you're dead to me." i'm okay with the fact James might not love me anymore, i'm okay with the fact I've missed school for the past 3 days. i'm okay with the fact that I will always be alone throughout my life. it's whatever now, i'm okay and always will be.

#i'm okay #heart break #teen diary #my love life #my dumb life #my diary #reset? #advice needed #teen love #love advice #sickness

[your-heart-is-tasty]

8/9/2021

life still sucks.

i still have nightmares.

i'm a junior now.

still no car.

still wanna die.

i take a lot of pills now,

sometimes i take painkillers to sleep.

i lost my razors somehow. i can't cut myself like a use to, I started using a eyebrow razor to do the job but it's not as deep as i want it to be.

for now I'll stick with the eyebrow razor till I find something better.

surprisingly James and I are still together. next month is our 6 month anniversary. I fear that i might cheat on him or that he'll cheat on me, I tend to attract a lot of guys at school. I forget sometimes that i'm with James. we don't see each other a lot anymore. I've only seen him twice the last two months. I think about him a lot. I miss him. I try opening up to him about my feelings, like if i'm having a bad day or someone said something about me. I think it would help our relationship a little more but it's still not enough because we're always texting and not actually talking to each other. like face to face. sometimes I think he wants to end things but is too scared to. love is hard, eh? have you ever being in love with someone so much you're too scared to lose them?

[your-heart-is-tasty]

7/26/2021

slow day, nothing really happening, James and I are still together (almost 5 months strong) even though we haven't seen each other in a while. I hope he doesn't lose feelings for me. David and Ariel are still dating too. not gonna lie I really hate them but yet again they're my only friends so i can't hate them all the time. they're good people (kinda.)

2021 is my year to have fun but i haven't had any. as a child of my family, i'm set with high standards. "always be on your best behavior." "act lady like." "do as you are told." but to me following the rules isn't fun, it's boring. there's nothing to do and the fact that I hate the most is i'm alone. all my childhood i was in a fucking cage with a lot of toys. I wasn't allowed to have friends or go outside. now, i'm not a child anymore. I break rules because it was boring not to break them. I want to be free now. I want to leave my cage.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

7/17/2021

I hate my face.

I hate my bed sheets.

I hate my arms.

I hate my legs.

I hate my skin.

I hate all my clothes.

I hate the sound of my voice.

I hate the way I look in pictures.

I hate my hair.

I hate my lips.

I hate the way I do my makeup.

I hate being me.

[your-heart-is-tasty]

#Spotify

[your-heart-is-tasty]

7/14/2021

last night James really hurt my feelings. I think he wants to end our relationship. I don't know what to do. every time I think about it i feel like puking. I started crying so much when he went to bed. I don't know what i'm doing wrong.

#my dumb life #my life sucks #teen dating #what do i do

[your-heart-is-tasty]

#Spotify

[your-heart-is-tasty]

6/15/2021

very busy these days. I have no new friends I've been trying at summer school but it's hard to talk to other people.

I'm going to the beach with James and a few of friends in a week. I hope things all go well.

I want to change again, I want something new. I don't know if I want to dye my hair or get a bunch of piercings. I just want something new. I really just wanna be someone else. I've haven't been feeling all that great about my looks since summer school started. I don't even dress that good either. Like the saying goes, no one is actually comfortable in their own skin. Well at least I know i'm not comfortable.

I think the reason why I've been wanting to change my appearance is because I see this hot pink haired girl at school (plus summer school now too) all the time and I really like her clothes, her bag, her whole vibe, etc. I just want to be like her or at least dress like her but I don't know where to start and if dressing like a indie chick would even look good on me. I feel ugly every time I look in the mirror. I think i'm having an actual identity crisis. I really need help.

#identity crisis #summer 2021 #summer school #drown in my mind #indie chicks #i need friends #i want to change #someone help #mental health

[your-heart-is-tasty]

6/9/2021

hello again random people, summer so far is very boring. I start summer school on the 14th so at least summer isn't super dead. James and I been dating for 3 months now! crazy right?! sadly I can't see him as much this summer- One: i'm gonna be super busy with school and other things. Two: my dad kinda doesn't like the idea of me having a boyfriend. At least I can text and call James anytime I want so it doesn't really matter.

to be very honest my world is slowly falling apart.

my friends kinda suck ass right now so if anyone and I mean ANYONE want to be friends or just talk about anything just hit me up. thanks.

#i need friends #summertime #my love life #my personal diary #my life sucks #my dumb life #summer 2021