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Ever have one of those days where everything is going great and you just feel amazing like you could walk on clouds. But you check one last thing before calling it a work day and it just ruins your night and all you can do is just try and not think about this one stupid thing but you can’t do you just fall into that deep black hole you’ve spent so much time trying to climb out of. That was me today.
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Ever since I found out why Daunte Wright was pulled over and why he died, I can’t stop thinking about something that happened when I was 19. The summer after my freshmen year of college I came home. It was the last summer I ever spent back home. My friend asked me for help one day. He was going to buy a used car from a private seller and needed someone to drive it home. So of course I said yes. I went to his house and then we went to the seller’s house from there in his car. After we bought the car he asked me if I would be OK driving the new one back since it didn’t have any plates. No problem. I didn’t even think twice about it until we were headed back and a cop car pulled up behind me. The officer got pretty close to me and then passed me on the highway. The officer even slowed a little to look at who was driving the car. Then the cop car just sped off and continued on its way. When we got to my friends house we told his parents about the cop and how it didn’t even stop me. I remember them sharing a look that at the time I didn’t even think about. But after Daunte Wright I can’t stop thinking about that day and the look they shared. See my friend was part Mexican. He had brown skin. I now know his parents made a conscious choice when they told him to ask me to help, because they were home that day. And my friend made a conscious decision when he asked me to drive the car without the plates. I was a pretty white girl and that meant I had privileges that back then I didn’t understand. If my friend was driving the car without plates would he have been pulled over? Would he have been treated like a criminal? Would something have happened to him? I can’t stop thinking about that day and what could have been. But I’m glad that even though I wasn’t consciously aware of my privilege, I was aware enough not to be afraid of driving a car without a license plate.
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Sometimes being a mom means sitting in your car for a half hour in the grocery store parking lot just so you have some time alone.
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I thought I could watch the trial of George Floyd’s killer. I thought I owed it to my profession and the world to sit through this trial and watch it from beginning to end. But I couldn’t even make it through the opening statements.
I saw the video of George dying the day after he passed and it was hard to watch. I cried for George, I cried for his family and I cried for every Black person in America. This should have never happened. The day after I saw the video I had my very first panic attack. I didn’t know what was happening to me, so of course that made things worse.
The video is now a trigger for me. I can’t watch it with out feeling like the world is falling apart from underneath me. So when the opening statements begin and that video was shown and I heard George cry out that he couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe and I had to turn the TV off.
Dying because I can’t breathe is my number one fear in life and I watched, with the rest of the world, as George died because he couldn’t breathe. And what was worse is he was killed by a cop. And when bystanders protested what was happening that cop dug his knee harder in to the neck of George and stared with dead eyes at the people who had gathered. Those dead eyes were telling the citizens watching that he was in charge and there was nothing they could do if he wanted to take George’s life. And that’s exactly what happened.
I’m sorry George that I can’t watch this trial play out. But you can bet that if you don’t get the justice you deserve — that we all deserve — I promise to step up.
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The days are too long, yet too short.
Isolation from friends and family becomes too much to handle.
Any escape from the confinements of this space would be a welcomed change.
Though there is no end insight. So I wait looking through the window and longing for those good old days.
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Have you ever just had one of those days where everything and nothing at all annoys you and you just can’t help but snap at the stupidest things?
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A rainy day in fall
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The snow covers fall color in a quiet suburb.
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