working-on-becoming-a-better-me

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 396—August 13, 2021

So it was minecraft youtuber Dream’s birthday yesterday. Yes. That’s my big announcement.

Hi. I’m doing so well. Like, actually. I just finished my third day of school and it’s a Friday, so... weekend!

I’m so tired. But I’m enjoying life. Really. I am. I’ve been making efforts! I read six books over the summer, I think? I’m keeping a journal again (summer homework for a class, but I’m actually reaching for it and writing because I want to). I wasn’t sleeping and waking early like I was last summer, but getting enough sleep. I’m reading The Art of War and taking notes on it!

I pushed myself to hang out with people more over the summer. I tried to learn to skateboard. Haven’t gone in maybe two weeks, but I will go. I’ll make sure of it.

I went shopping. Swimsuit shopping Better relationship with my body.

Been listening to such good music and I see how much it’s helped my soul. Quadeca’s newest album: From Me To You. Beautiful.

I’m the same weight as I was at the start of quarantine in March 2020. So I didn’t gain. I’ve been watching what I eat somewhat. Been continuing to try and reduce unnecessary snacking and feeling slight guilt if I eat too many sweets in too short a time span.

So I’ve been singing more too. I tried to learn ukulele for a bit. My sister’s back—I returned it. She’ll probably take it back with her to college.

I’m taking classes that interest me and push me academically. Two advanced (AP, honors) English classes. I’m so happy.

Been writing more in the recent weeks :)

Been taking baths when I can. Two over the summer :) me time to really scrub myself but also watch new Rick and Morty episodes.

Face masks every so often and nose strips once a week for three weeks now (Wednesdays).

More workouts—it’s an option when I’m feeling unproductive. I did one that had lots of squats (my favorite—not full-on cardio and you feel stronger) and I was sore for three days after. Felt good.

I babysat a lot this summer! Earned money and then downloaded an app to track my expenses and watch myself.

Took more initiative: college essays over the summer (one, to be exact, but still something); I have an idea for one of the honor societies I’m a VP of and I’m really excited to share it in a meeting I helped organize for tomorrow evening!

Gaining responsibility, I think. And more emotional maturity. I’m growing. Exploring the definition of toxicity. That maybe he’s not a toxic person, but it’s an unhealthy relationship for me. I feel the need to note that it’s not romantic...

Been playing genshin impac! I cut my hair short! Got accessories! Fun earrings and some rings. Shorter hair to feel more like my younger self—with my look, my hobbies, and hopefully my attitude will follow this trend of rebirthing and refreshing itself.

Still have a love of minecraft men—I bought Dream’s 25 mil. merch hoodie.

Still need to work on responsibility—texting back. Keeping my room clean and not just cleaning it more often. More initiative on college.

But I’m going to audition for the musical. My first ever! And I’m doing membean when I remember to! Three days so far this week and two last week. Still subscribed to Merriam Webster’s word of the day newsletter. Still learning new things.

Taking pictures when I’m happy. Of trees, the sky, buildings. I’m observant and watching the world around me.

I’m trying.

I’m embodying my favorite word. And I’m striving to be better than I already am. I am good. And I can be better. So I will be better. I will live and I will love and through these processes, I will learn.

#reflection #self care #positive #update #cheerful #I'm back #writing #inspirational #motivational #motivate #trying #betterment #goals #improvement #self #self reflection #recap #summer #school #finances #responsibility #effort

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

June 1, 2020.

Posting on my phone! It’s been less than a week since summer started. It’s 8:39 and I feel great. But it’s because I made myself feel this way. It’s amazing how much wanting and trying to be happy can do. I made myself happy. I feel amazing.

I’m in the car, leaning against the door. My hair is still wet from pool water and the cold air hitting my leg is refreshing. The dark trees that pass, my dad’s voice on a work call blends into the white noise of racing across the road. Incredible music blasts in my ears. I made an effort to see the beauty in the world around me and it’s paying off.

I have a smile on my face. I’m happy. It feels good.

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 269– short update because I’m feeling good :D

 I talk about participating more and how being more engaging and involved has affected me. I also talk about the impacts music has on my wellbeing :) maybe my experiences can help you too! Plus a pro-tip at the end that’s not really a pro-tip, just a tip :]

Aside from reinstating my good habit of putting on sunblock for school, I’ve also just realized something else beautiful.

I just had my first officer meeting for an honor society and holy cow! I really wanted to speak and show that I deserved my VP position, so I made an effort to speak... and I FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT IT!

I also had an econ presentation today and put effort into a poster and made my speech funny and informative. On my way to rehearsals, a kid from the class stopped me and just started gushing about my speech. He asked me how I did it and just talked about how it was so good and I’m—I’m getting goosebumps just writing about it now. It was so sweet and I loved it!

I also was proud of myself for speaking and sharing all these ideas I wasn’t even aware I had! I filmed myself talking about how proud I was of myself and put it on my private snap story, but as I was rewatching the video, I noticed how pretty I looked. My eyebrows looked lighter today than normal (I don’t wear makeup and never fill in my eyebrows (they’re naturally dark and somewhat thick)) but I had a brilliant smile. Even though I don’t have a jawline and you can see hints of a disappearing double chin, I looked wonderful.

I started caring more about looks when I made the move to where I am now, but I’ve tried to stop caring as much. I noticed I was and it wasn’t making me very happy, but I reread This Is Water by David Foster Wallace and he said “Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly”. It’s chock-full of beautiful lines and I’d love to share my favorites if you asked, but... something to think about...

ALSO! I participated so much in my lang class and chose to go the somewhat riskier route of choosing a personal topic to write about... I shared in a small group and, even with masks on, I could see a kid’s jaw drop open. My teacher was there and told me it was beautiful. He asked the group to nominate a speaker to share to the class and immediately, the guy with the gaping mouth, picked me and told me my idea was so good. The teacher told the class we’d share and then said “[my name], why don’t you start us off?” I... love public speaking (not for informative presentations, because I’m not a complete nerd... but personal speeches and plays? LOVE THEM) and am pretty good at it. I inflected and delivered it beautifully, I think. This was Monday.

Wednesday, I participated a lot in an activity where we stood up, popcorn style, and read aloud quotes from This Is Water. I’m not typically one to dominate in speaking, but when it fell silent, I offered. a lot of quotes.

That’s all to say, I’ve been more active in school—in participation in classes, clubs, extracurriculars (because I’m in two shows and two improv shows).

On top of that, I’ve always known the music affects my mood. Recent years have been more difficult—obviously, though. I’m a teenager. Some months are worse than others, and you all know that December and January were just... not good months for me. It’s been getting better but sometimes... yeah. It’s an uphill climb to get to a better place! Sometimes I stumble but I’ve made an active effort to find more music and recently fell in love with TImothee Chalamet by The Foxies. It’s just such a fun song.

As well as that, a healthier relationship with the media (mcyt) I consume. I’ve also been writing a lot! For one project-based class, then lang, then my side projects! Haven’t posted on my writing tumblr in a long time because 1) school project (which I will hopefully be releasing to the public and might post the link) 2) fanfiction on ao3

Just got a text from a friend who shared her writing with me... I have a reputation with being good at English now, I think. That’s so beautiful to me. As I was writing that the... chorus, maybe (I’m no good with proper musical terms) of Honeymoon by The Shadowboxers kicked in and wow. I’m close to tears. This is a slower sadder song in a playlist I compiled. I have monthly playlists but created one that’ll span across months. I hadn’t listened to it since I created it in January, but now I’m also so appreciative of how good a taste in music I have.

I’m just falling more and more in love with myself.

Obviously, life is not all beautiful. There are rough patches in certain relationships and school is stressful and covid is lowering acceptance rates and my overall gpas not the highest and neither is my current semester gpa...

But hey! I’m trying. I’m trying so hard! And yes, I take frequent writing and video-watching breaks, but I’m doing so much.

And remember Parkinson’s Law: "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion". I only refreshed my memory of it recently. I know it in my heart—I’ve been in so many student films and edited so many papers (even though I don’t have to) and agreed to a lot of shows... but I’m doing just as well. Without these things, I wouldn’t have better grades, because I’d just be using this free time for mcyt. Of course, they say to keep busy... but if you’re okay with small amounts of stress and are similar to me and think this might work for you, MAKE LOTS OF COMMITMENTS. Don’t if you don’t think you can—you don’t want to force yourself to flake on some events! But if you can’t bring yourself to get up and do yoga or go mingle with friends, agree to more club zoom calls, study sessions, hang outs, jam sessions. Things with other people or with deadlines that’ll hold you to a commitment.

For me, a writing blog helped for so long to find motivation! And now I have an ao3 I post on every other week and am doing so much writing! Make an art instagram account! Make a writing blog! Audition for that play, volunteer to be in a student piece! Fill up your schedule and do the most the day has to offer!

Parkinson’s Law. You can do it. I believe in you!

And I like that you can see my growth. I’m not always positive even though I try to be. I’m an internet stranger who has struggled with school and balancing my life and been saddened by her sister’s move and been affected with covid... and I’m an internet stranger who is finding ways to cope.

I baked cookies the other day. Parkinson’s Law! Obviously, I was in a depressive state. But I don’t have depression. I’m not going to sit here and preach that writing will solve everything. I can’t. It’s not my place to say so, because I was sad for a long time but still doing well enough. But I do hope this helps for all those out there struggling as well. It gets better! And then sometimes in that uphill climb you stumble and fall. It gets better and then it gets worse. But while you’re getting better, each time it gets worse, though disheartening, is better than the very start. You’re growing. You’re learning, loving, living, and learning to love living.

I can’t say I love you to a bunch of strangers. But I currently hold lots of warmth in my heart and hope that whoever reads this finds comfort and I hope you are doing as well as you can be! <3 thank you for being with me while I grow!

#growing #songs #habits #learning #loving #living #inspirational #deep #journaling #help #betterment #journey #mental #mental health #health #trying #self care #self love #self #focused #growth #school #highschool #words #helpful #update #life #life update #positive #attitude

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get)   - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge   - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!

#betterment #reflection #journal #update #school #life #mental health #positive #positivity #mantra #journey #tracking #art #drama #high school #stress #babysitting #productive #doing #better #trying #working #teenager #healthy #healthier #habits #writing #ao3 #drawing #mcyt

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 220– Feb. 7, 2021

please correct me if my math is wrong! it very well may be (probably is since I’m bad at easy math when it comes to pages and dates). but I think it’s Day 220... :)

good day! it’s a sunday!

* I woke up naturally around 7:00 am and tried to fall back asleep, but my undoing was stalking Dream’s twitter... * fell back asleep, woke up and Quackity was streaming w/ Techno so I tuned in... fell back asleep... already felt like it would be a rough start to the day bUT! it wasn’t! 

+ no lists in chronological order, but today I worked on and finished my zoology poster (might go over words in pen if I have time in this coming week– he didn’t post the due date online, so I finished in case it’s due next class... if I have more time, I’ll go over my stuff in pen so it’s easier to read) + edited some of what I’d written for an mcyt fic because I want to write every day (or just often!) + I worked on another class (hard to explain since it’s a course unique to my school (as far as I know, maybe similar programs in other schools, but definitely different names)) but not too much, just completing the bare minimum + did the Chinese homework that my teacher can check (the other stuff like reviewing reading material was not completed) + updated my spotify playlists! I keep making more, but I decided to update my ‘chill’ and ‘happy’ playlists at the very least. am not up to date, but I worked on it when I was tired of school work + STREAMED ROAD TRIP BY DREAM + worked on my application to be part of an officer team! finished and submitted, LETS GO! - didn’t help with dishes, but offered to! didn’t make that big of an effort though, since I had work to do! + gave my dad a massage just because he was lying on the couch and it’s been a while since I’ve given him one

still been stuck in my mcyt phase, but I’m glad that at least whenever I’m feeling down, I have go to methods for cheering up!  it’s inspiring me to draw more and helping me write a lot more, which I love.

I didn’t feel the greatest yesterday since we were filming for theater, but I didn’t like the work I did. I let it get me down but decided today to let it go and just do my best tomorrow! throw myself into my work!

* I’ve also been trying to stop typing double spaces after periods because it messes with the formatting on ao3 lol so it may be inconsistent!

FELT PRODUCTIVE TODAY AND PROUD OF MYSELF SINCE I WOKE UP STRESSED AND FEELING BAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT COMMITTING TO SLEEPING MORE OR WAKING UP (woke up and fell back asleep around 3 times between 7:00-10:00)

+ responded to texts asking to make plans... I’ve been tired and it’s been hard to reply to people who aren’t my closest friends, but I thought it was unfair to leave this person on delivered for too long, so I told them I was busy over chinese new year break, but proposed another time!!!

just feeling... not good, like overwhelmingly happy... but content. just feeling content and decided that it would be an OPTIMAL time to post!

I’m so glad I still have this blog and am so appreciative for what it’s done for me!

<3 thank you for reading if you did!

* why are my hands so sweaty omg

#day #feeling better #positive #trying #productive #summary #school #good #stream road trip #mcyt #mental health #doing #better

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

208, jan 26, 2020

hello!  wow!  I was typing and suddenly chrome crashed and... ah.  an empty post.

pretty sure this is day 208 :)

quite quite!  I’d worked myself into tears writing earlier, so I suppose I won’t go into detail here.  a shame!

I’ve been doing comparably better– much better than just a month ago.  I’ve been doing nice, small things.  a few days ago, I cleaned a pan my mom left in the sink.  I’ve been doing the dishes more.  checking the mail more.  wiping down the table.  today, I used my time wisely in school!  I didn’t watch quackity’s stream during lunch and instead read 1984 for my lang class!  also used some of my free period and after school study hall.

been more productive than I have in weeks prior.  been in a slump of sorts that’s been lasting longer than I’d like it to!  but I’m trying :) and I think that counts for not just something, but everything

#days #trying #mindset #positive #down #life #school #student #day #update #journal #better #slump #negative #feelings

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

back I think :)

15– 156 16– 157 17– 158 18– 159 19– 160 20– 161 21– 162 22– 163 23– 164 24– 165 25– 166 26– 167 27– 168 28– 169 29– 170

so things got a little tough for me... I haven’t been in the best mental space.  Just waking up late, babysitting most afternoons, minecraft videos until 3:00 am in an attempt to feel less lonely.  I lost myself.  And I’m in the process of recovering.  This break wasn’t really what I’d wanted it to be– I still have all my Chinese homework that I haven’t yet done... I was hoping to wake up early everyday, get a head start on school after finishing my assignments early... none of that really happened.  and I’m coming to terms with it.  I’ve been dwelling on the fact that nothing’s gone the way I’ve planned– okay, negative language.  we’re cutting it out.  Few things have gone as planned this break, but clinging onto these ideas and wishing I’d had more time and regretting and stressing on what to do with my remaining time... it’s not healthy.  And it’s not fun.

This is my declaration that I’m back.  I’ll keep track of days but I won’t post daily anymore.  That method isn’t helpful to me anymore.  You could tell, my later posts were forced and lacking in actual helpful detail.  This blog is to help me, not to make sure I post everyday.  Help comes in different forms and what you need one day may not be what you need the next day, or even the next minute.

Hope you all are doing well and I’m hoping I get better!

#days #late #posting #mental health

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 155– Dec. 14, 2020

a monday– winter break man... haven’t been doing too much...

+ no babysitting today!  slept in!

+ cleaned my room (closet included!) * accidentally broke my piggy bank!

+ read my book

+ was in bed by 9:30!!! made an effort to get back into the healthy routine I’d adopted when I first made this blog :). took me an hour to fall asleep (I rolled over to check the time once and it was 10:38 I think)

yup so far these have been things I’ve done but not including mindset so I’m hoping to get back on that soon!

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 154– Dec. 13, 2020

A sunday

uhh... assuming I read some of my book and cleaned my room a bit

+ babysitting again for 2 1/2 hours + picked up dinner for me and my mom after

- went to bed late b/c mc yt streams are addictive

promise updates will get better but for now I’m just getting them done and caught up... not the best mindset, but please stick with me!

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Dy 153– Dec. 12, 2020

a saturday

can’t remember exact dates and the order of things... written on Dec. 16, 2020

+ dentist appointment!

+ went to a nice mall to get pick up my mom’s watch– had some yommy food :)

+ got a babysitting job!  for only an hour and a half for this day, but it was cool!  it keeps me busy and I’m making money!

+ I’ve started on my AP Lang book assignment (just read one) b/c I know that I’ll be stressed the last week of winter break and do all my work the weekend before school starts if I don’t force myself to work

can’t... can’t remember the rest of the day

#short #update

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 152– Dec. 11, 2020

a friday, first day of winter break

+ woke up around 9:30, I think :)

+ went to the mall!  got bubble tea :) + got a haircut!  my favorite part is getting my hair washed <3 + ate lunch w/ my mom :) + bought christmas earrings!!!

+ movie night w/ friends!!!  :))

* meaning I went to bed late

short updates just summarizing what I’ve done not how I’m reacting and stuff... I’ll try my hardest w/ updating every day (or at least much more frequently than I have been) b/c it’s winter break now!  hopefully I’m more in depth and update more often :))) thanks for sticking with me!!!

#day #update #late #short

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 151– Dec. 10, 2020

a thursday, 4/4 finals week complete

* no test first block 

+ went in for chinese...

* I had a chance to raise my grade and the test score I received couldn’t do that for me

 a sad end to finals week... BUT NOT SAD END TO THE WEEK!  not even the end of the week...

+ told my mom up front that I didn’t feel too good... she gave me a lecture but then ended it with a joke and

+ we set up and decorated out christmas tree which had just gotten delivered that day!!!  WHOO!!!  so pretty :)

+ started watching Queen’s Gambit!  watched 6/7 episodes– it was so good

- went to bed late (I think)

I joined a minecraft realm and have been on a lot so I go to bed... also my aforementioned obsession w/ minecraft youtubers

#day #christmas! #minecraft

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 150– Dec. 9, 2020

a wednesday, 3/4 done with finals week

+ free period first so I didn’t have to go in to school

* math final second

- I didn’t feel too hot and math would be my eventual downfall... I only needed a B to keep my grade in the class, but I actually got lower, which dropped my clas grade and so my gpa as well :/

I was too confident but also not really– I kept telling myself I only needed a B and a B was achievable... I worried too much but didn’t do anything... I didn’t study hard enough... but it’s over now... it’s taken me several days to come to terms with this; I just need to learn from my mistakes and work harder next time, even through the slump or I’ll meet the same consequences

- went to bed late, tho (+) I was studying chinese vocab

#finals #eh #burnout #feeling

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 149– Dec. 8, 2020

a tuesday, 2/4 day of finals week

+ woke up– had no test first block

+ got ready to go in b/c film people wanted voiceovers

* a whole misunderstanding on my part but I basically used an hour wandering around school because I didn’t actually have to go in

* lazed around at home

+ did some more math practice + talked to my dad over the phone

+ recorded lines and stuff– I really enjoyed hanging out with the film guys who turned out nicer than I could have ever hoped

- went back home and was not the most productive - didn’t end up finishing the math practice

+ read some chinese w/ mom (more like her reading to me b/c I can’t read in front of her (she’ll always correct my pronunciation which leads to me being irritated beyond belief and then embarrassed and eventually in tears)

- went to bed late, didn’t really do math practice

+- called a friend– nice, but wasn’t really what I’d needed

#day #update

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 148– Dec. 7, 2020

a monday, first day of finals week

+ woke up at around 11:00ish since I had no finals this day

I don’t remember much of today but I do remember:

* found out my psat score– it was good but lower than what my sister had gotten so I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in myself– especially since on a practice sat a while back my dad told me “good job, only thirty more points until you’re the same as your sister” which... you know... didn’t feel great + pulled out my math worksheets and wrote notes + got the exam study pack and started doing work + studied the chinese quizlet assigned

- I was feeling major burnout, I couldn’t bring myself to study much of math

- went to bed late without having done that much

#short #update #eh #day

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 147– Dec. 6, 2020

a sunday, the day before finals week started

+ woke up (??) before noon for sure because the bubble tea place near me opens at 11:00 + went out, bought some groceries and food!  bought some candy for a friend + to the bubble tea place– bought three bubble teas! + I went to my neighborhood friends’ houses and dropped off bubble tea to two and candy to another since she doesn’t drink tea   + I felt really good about this since I decided to drop off things for my friends before finals just so they’d feel good :) it was a nice reminder that I am a good person!

+ finished filming what I needed for my vlog (I needed the bubble tea which is why I got it)

+ finished editing my ap lang final– a vlog * this took the majority of my morning and afternoon and evening + finished the vlog around 9:00pm after a mishap which I got around w/ perseverance!

+ checked my friends’ private stories on snapchat and saw one freaking out b/c she left her calculator at school and had her math final the next day... since she lives in the neighborhood, I told her I could lend her mine :) + she came over and picked it up :))

+ I called a friend in hopes to do work - I only did some work + caught up and had some fun 

think I went to bed before 11:00 which is still late but I made an effort to go to bed earlier for finals even tho I didn’t have any the next day

#school #finals #nice #positive #friends #helpful #good #feel good

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 146– Dec. 5, 2020

a saturday

+ took a shower :)

+ ate food!  left house at 11:30ish

+ went to a guy’s house to help act in his film– played with his dog, chilled in his room...   * when I first get together with people I don’t know that well, I’m really... shy and awkward– even though I’d met them before and had filmed w/ them before... today was a new day!  I warmed up to them eventually :)   * went to the location they’d planned to film at and it was like... there was a sign saying 13 trespassers were caught by the police in 2020 so we uh... steered clear from that location

+ found a new location to film!   * got rained out!  they had to revise their script * went back to his place and decided to wait til night to film so we all did homework together (I did a reflection for a class so I wouldn’t have to go in exam week) and chilled + I actually had so much fun... this is a guy on varsity basketball, dating the best friend of a girl in my homeroom who I don’t really like that much (sort of an understatement...) but he turned out to be really cool and nice and honestly sweet– the guy helping him film I’ve been acquaintances with for a while now but it was fun hanging out with him too– easy to make fun of and I always laughed whenever we caught eyes from across the room and he pulled a dumb face– the two guys’ dynamic was also so fun to watch I genuinely had an amazing time + the other actor took a guitar in the room and started playing + singing so I joined him in singing– the guy whose house we were at kept asking us to sing more “another duet– just one more song!” and it did loads for my confidence in my singing abilities

+ filmed and had a pillow fight with the guy helping out * took a cab home with him since we live in the same neighborhood and exchanged a surprisingly pleasant conversation

* got home past 11:00 ish I think (I’m finishing this post Dec. 15... oops)

can’t tell you when I went to bed etc. since I don’t even know

#days #fun #update #positive #social