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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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“I lost myself trying to please everyone else. Now I’m losing everyone while I’m finding myself.”
— Unknown
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle// Chapter Ten
“Bella, listen-”, Nero tries to find the right words. I just smile a weak smile and shake my head. “Don’t worry, it’s fine.”, I look around unsure of where to put the gun. Nero holds out his hand, I carefully place the weapon into it. “I better go now.”, I say and stand up straight again. I grab my purse from the coffee table and check if I have everything. “Bella, don’t go.”, Nero tries to stop me with his words. I look at him, he looks at me in a somewhat guilty way. I walk to the apartment door but turn around one more time. “Thanks for tonight, I had a lot of fun.”, I say and try to smile a little. “Come on, it’s late and dark. Let me at least drive you home.”, he begs. I don’t say anything. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”, I don’t know what but something in me snapped when he said that. “And how would you help me? Shoot that person?”, I say looking from his eyes to the gun then back to his eyes. Nero looks irritated at me, I can tell he didn’t expect me to say that. Me neither honestly. Surprised by my own words I stutter another goodbye and leave his apartment. Great, how am I supposed to get home now? When I’m on the street I look for the next subway, but I don’t see one so I close my eyes and take a deep breath. How did this day start so well and ended like this? Fuck. Am I not supposed to be happy or what? Goddamn. “Bella?”, I turn to look who just said my name, it’s Fynn. “What are you doing here?” “Oh uhh, I have to go home.”, I say. “My brother wants me to come home.”, I lie. “Nero is not driving you?”, Fynn asks confused. “No he drank too much.”, I lie again. I really don’t like lying, I always feel bad when I do it, doesn’t matter who I’m lying to. “I can drive you if you want to. I just had one beer.”, Fynn says and pulls out his car keys. I smile at him and nod. Thank god he showed up, there was no way I could call my brother and ask him to pick me up. Murphy knows where all of my friends live he’d have gotten suspicious. We get into a lower BMW which is parked down the street. On the way we mostly talk about the game, I still feel like he knows that something happened between me and Nero. I hope he doesn't asks questions. Because I wouldn’t know what to answer. I found a gun In Nero and your apartment, doesn't sound so great, does it? Can I even be mad at him? We just met, apparently, that’s his life, you know selling drugs, all the guns, and getting into fights. Should I apologize? Technically I didn’t do anything wrong, but neither did he. I mean it could’ve been a legal weapon and even if not, it’s not like threatened me with it. Should I text him and tell him that I overreacted, on the other hand, not feeling comfortable hanging out with someone who owns a gun is nothing to be sorry for. Ugh, why is this so complicated. Would Fynn understand me if I told him what happened? I know I can tell Hannah everything but she’d probably have the same outcome I just had. Fynn may have another point of view on this whole thing since he has known Nero for a long time now.   “Fynn.”, I say interrupting him complaining about the Nets. “I found the gun in your cabinet.”, Fynn looks at me with wide-open eyes. “You...- ohh.”, he focuses back on the street. “You know we don’t use them on just anyone, right?”, he tries to explain himself. I just look at him. “I don’t care who you are shooting with it, killing people will always be a bad thing.”, I say thinking it’s a little obvious that I don’t care who they’re actually shooting at. “Of course I know that.”, he says angrily. “Did you ever used it for...you know.”, I stutter. “We never walk outside intending to kill someone, also we don’t mug people.”, Fynn says and continues driving when the lights turn green. “Bella, you know we deal with drugs.” We? “But there is something else you should know before you start to build connections with us, especially with Nero. I shouldn’t be the one telling you though.”, he says and looks at me. I know what he wants, he wants to know if I would be okay with driving back and listening to what Nero has to say. I think about if I even want to know what else they’re up to. I don’t want to misjudge him though. I know how that is, it feels awful. I don’t say anything, I just nod. Fynn understands what I mean and turns the car over. “You sure about this, I’d get if you say no.”, Fynn says as we park in front of his building. “No no, I’m sure.”, I say with a sigh. Why is his already so complicated, see that’s why I don’t do boys and all of that crap. We walk to the door and Fynn unlocks it, he then takes a step back, I turn to look at him. “Give me your phone.”, He says and holds out his hand. Without thinking I give him my unlocked phone and he types in his number. “I won’t come in with you, if anything goes wrong call me, so I can drive you home, okay?”, he says friendly. “The door to the apartment is never locked if someone is home, if he doesn’t hear you knock just open it. His room is on the left side of the bathroom.”, Fynn walks back to his car and opens the door. “Thank you.”, I say and smile. “No problem”, he says and smiles as well. Before he gets into the car he says: “And try to understand the position he’s in.”, without saying anything else he closes the car door and drives off. I walk into the building and up the stairs. I knock trice on the dark green wooden door, when no response comes I’m a little scared that he left. I reach for the golden doorknob and turn it to the left, the door opens. It feels kind of weird just walking into the apartment of someone else. I look around the space and see that the gun from earlier is laying on the ground, near to a wall, on that wall are cracks, pieces of the wallpaper are spread out on the floor. I look to my right, I see three doors. The one in the middle is open, I can see that this is the bathroom. I walk to the door next to it as Fynn told me to. I carefully knock on it. “Fuck off Fynn.”, the annoyed voice of Nero says. “It’s me, not Fynn.”, I say, a little scared to be honest. Not even a second later the door swings open and a very confused Nero is looking at me. None of us is saying a word. Nero stares into my eyes like he’s expecting me to say something. I shouldn't have come back. This is all a huge mess.   “Why are you here?”, Nero asks still very confused. “Uhm.”, is all I can say, which is not the most intelligent thing someone could say. “Better questions, how did you get in here?” “Fynn.”, is all I can get myself to say. Nero nods and takes in a deep breath. He turns to walk back into his room, the door stays open and I slowly follow him. His room is dark, all the blinds are closed. All of his furniture is black or a very dark grey. When I look closely I can see that all of the shelves are filled with DVDs, I smile to myself and focus back at Nero. “He told me that there is more.”, I say carefully. “Son of a bitch.”, he sighs to himself and closes his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me.”, I say and add a shoulder shrug at the end. I do wanna know but I don’t want to look so needy “Mind as well do, you ain’t wanna spend time with me anyway… you know, after that gun incident.”, it’s not fully the truth but not wrong either. Drug dealing is one thing, I have a lot of friends who deal, I even dealt myself in times when my brother couldn’t take care of me and my brother. Nero just stares at me when I don’t deny his statement, with sad puppy dog eyes. Which make me regret I found the weapon. “I’m just gonna tell you.”, he says and sighs again. He shouldn’t tell me if it really is that bad. I don’t want to know, honestly this time! I don’t want, whatever there is between us, to be ruined. “I’m also-”, I take one hectic step forward and press my hand against his mouth “Don’t!”, I say and look into his ocean eyes. “I don’t wanna know.”, I pull my hand away. “Let’s just forget all of this and go back to the drinking game, okay?”, I say and smile and even though Nero looks a little unsure he smiles and nods as well. I don’t know what drove me to do this, but when I looked at him I just didn’t want it to be ruined, whatever this is. Everything I know about him makes me want to get to know him for real and I don’t want to start with the heavy stuff. At least not now. I walk back into the main area. “Maybe it’s better if you get the alcohol this time.”, I joke. Nero rolls his eyes at me and laughs. I take the remote from the table and put on Friends. Nero comes Back with Tequila and two shot glasses. “Friends?”, he asks and Looks at the TV. I nod excitedly. “So the name of this game is ‘The one where we get drunk’. Hannah and I invented this game a year ago or so.”, I say and smile. I tell Nero the rules of the game and he just laughs and gets pretty hyped too. “Okay let’s do it!”, Nero says and claps his hands together.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Nine
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I grab my phone and check my messages. Hannah texted me like twenty times, asking if I already made out with him. She even asked if I made out with one of his friends. I laugh, shake my head and put my phone away again. “Okay guys, I have to go.”, Chase says. “Where to?”, Jayden asks his brother. Chase just smiles at him. “You’re not actually telling me you’re gonna see her.” “That’s exactly what I’m doing.”, he says with a smirk. “Wait, who are you talking about?”, Isaac asks. “The girl from the party?”. Jayden and Chase nod, Chase’s still smiling like he won something. “When did that happen?”, Isaac asks confused but still laughing. “Just now, she texted me.”, Chase says and grabs his wallet. “Dude, a booty call, really?”, Nero asks with raised eyebrows and a smile. “You know what that makes you, right?”, Fynn asks cleaning up a few of the bottles. “A hooker.”, we all laugh Chase just rolls his eyes. “Come on boys, leave him alone.”, I say with a strict voice. They fall silent and look at each other. “Some people need to work hard for their money.”, I say and burst into laughter again, so do the boys. “I don’t like the new girl.”, Chase says and laughs with us. “But I’m gonna go now, thanks for the nice words.”, he says and opens the door. “I’m coming with you, you can drop me off on the way.”, Isaac says and grabs his phone from the charger, that is plugged into the wall. They both say goodbye and leave the apartment. “Fynn we have to head out too if we want to meet with your cousin.”, Jayden says and takes a look on his watch. “Yeah you right.”, Fynn says. “You guys wanna join?”, he asks looking at me and Nero. “No.”, Nero says “I think we’re good.”, he says and looks at me. I just smile at him and nod. “Aight, I’ll see you later.”, Fynn says and leaves together with Jayden. Now it’s just Nero and me alone in his apartment. I get nervous again. Nero looks at me with a small smile on his face, his arms rest on the kitchen counter. I’m not sure what to say or do. So I just look at him and feel really awkward. I wish Hannah were here, she’d know what to say. The shirt Nero is wearing has shorter sleeves than the one from yesterday. Because of that, it reveals that above the gunshot scar is another scar, same cause. “How many times did you get shot?”, I ask, my gaze still focused on the two scars on his right upper arm. Nero looks down and pulls on his sleeve to cover up at least one of them. “More than I should have been.”, he says and tries to laugh but fails. “How many scars do you have?”, I ask quietly, my eyes meet his. “Too many.”, he says thoughtfully. “Can I see?”, I ask carefully. Nero opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. He comes closer but stops halfway. He grabs the hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head. Nero is well trained, the partying and all the alcohol don’t seem to affect his body much. I get up from the ground and walk closer to him, I look him in the eyes for a few seconds then down to his chest, I see seven scars, including the two on his arm. And a tattoo, right underneath his chest. It’s a snake biting into a hand that is trying to shake it. Right under the tattoo are three words "Trust No One". I look at him for a second, he just gives me a weak smile. I focus on the scars again, the largest one is on his abdomen, it’s at least six inches long. Three smaller ones are on his ribcage two on the right and one just a little above the first rib on the left side. The seventh is a little longer and near his collarbone. They all look so painful, it’s hard to explain what I mean, but they look like they didn’t get proper treatment, like he just went home, after whatever happened to him, put a bandage around them and that’s it. Nero slowly turns around, I gasp at the sight of his back. There are three smaller ones, but there is one scar that starts at his right shoulder, goes down to the middle of his back at this point it splits into two ways. One of the two branches stops just above Nero's jeans, the other one stops at his rips. I reach out my hand and with my index finger, I touch the highest point of the scar and follow it until I reach the splitting spot. “What happened to you?”, I whisper ask. Nero turns around again and looks me deep into my eyes. “You don’t wanna know.”, he says with a deep voice in the same volume I did. “What if I do?”, I ask staring back into the now almost black eyes. Nero shakes his head, looks away, and takes a deep breath. He even laughs a little. “Then you’re crazy.”, Nero says looking back into my eyes. “I’m okay with that.”, Nero smiles at me and raises his hand. He tugs back a hair strand that has fallen into my face. When his finger touches my cheek I get goosebumps everywhere. I put my left hand on the arm that isn’t touching my face right now, and move my thumb over his soft skin.   “Come on, let’s go onto the fire escape.”, Nero says and puts his shirt back on. I follow him outside, the weather is still cold but warmer than last night. We sit down on the stairs leading up, Nero has to look down to catch my eyes.   “You sure you wanna know what happened?”, he asks again. It seems like he doesn't mind telling the story, more like he’s scared of how I will react. I give him an honest smile, hoping to ease his nerves. “Most of them I got from unnecessary fights, which escalated a little too much.” “How many of them came from gunshots?” “Five.”, Nero says. “The ones on my abdomen and my collarbone came from a knife.”, Nero says touching the one near to his neck. I title my head to the side and look at him confused. “Did you do it to yourself?”, I then ask. Nero lets out a weak chuckle. “No, I didn't.”, he says shaking his head. “Someone who doesn’t like me did.” “Did he want to hurt…or kill you?”, I ask curiously. Nero shrugs with his shoulders. “I don’t know actually and I don’t care either.”, Nero says and scratches the back of his head. “That Fucker paid for what he did.”, I take in a sharp breath and look at Nero, trying to figure out what he meant with that. “I didn’t kill him, don’t worry.”, he says seeing the panic in my eyes. I let out a breath of relief. “You probably wanna know where I got the scar on my back from, right.” “Yeah.”, I admit. “But if you don’t want to tell-” “No no, it’s fine.”, Nero interrupts me. “I can’t remember everything that happened but…”, Nero sighs and looks away. “Well let’s just say.. the.”, he visibly has problems telling me about what happened. I pull myself up, so I’m sitting on the same step as he is, now I can look him into his eyes pretty eyes, he is avoiding my stare though. “Nero, stop. You don’t have to tell me the story, but thank you for showing me your scars.”, now he looks even more confused. “Why would you thank me for something like that?”, he asks. I raise my eyebrows and let out a chuckle. I wave my arms in front of my face, neck, and chest. “Look at me, I’m like eighty percent made out of scars.”, Nero lets out a loud laugh. “I know how hard it can be to talk about them or even show them, so thank you, for showing them to someone who you met like a day ago.” “Well in that case.”, Nero says with a grin. “You’re welcome.” “So now that we got the depressing part mostly over, let’s do something fun.”, I say with a bright smile and bright shining eyes. “Like what?”, Nero asks with raised eyebrows. I get up and put one leg through the window again. “Drinking! You stay here, I’ll go and get the alcohol.”, I say and walk back inside. “Some is in the top cabinet and I think a bottle of tequila is underneath the kitchen counter.”, Nero yells after me, laughing. I open the cabinet that hangs on the wall, it’s full of plates and glasses. I move to the one next to it and find a few bottles of a different kind of Gin, Vodka, and Whiskey. Since I want to play a drinking game, Whiskey isn’t the right choice. Vodka tastes just awful and I’m not really in the mood for Gin, so I close the door again and kneel in front of the counter. When I see how much more alcohol is in this one I laugh to myself, thinking they probably never do anything else in their life. I push away the three six-packs of beer, the awful lot of wine bottles, and something that looks kinda like Baylis, and in the far back I can see the red cap of the Tequila bottle. When I try to reach out for it I accidentally knock down one of the wine bottles. “Shit.”, I say to myself. The one bottle causes a domino effect and stumbles over two others, one of them is the Tequila. Luckily none of them broke, I reach in again, pick up two of them, and put them to the side. When I try to grab the bottle I was looking for in the beginning I can’t see it anymore, it must’ve rolled into the back. I reach out my arm as far as possible and feel over the ground of the cabinet. Instead of the bottle, I feel something kind of cold and when I pick it up it’s weirdly heavy. I pull my arm back out, still holding my founding. When I see what I just found, the color of my face fades. I start to sweat too It’s a gun. So many questions pop up in my head. Doesn’t he know it’s there, or why would he just let me open this cabinet? Did he ever use it? Is he planning on using it? Is it just for show? Did he ever threaten someone with it? I try to find excuses for him too. It’s New York, right? And he lives alone, can I blame him for trying to be safe. He does live in a bad neighborhood. I guess he also meets a lot of bad people if he’s dealing. According to his scars, he has many enemies who are willing to hurt him. But still, we see so many bad things in the news, about people accidentally shooting their kids, parents, and friends because they acted too fast and misunderstood them for thieves. What am I supposed to do? Just put it back and act as nothing happened? Can I even act like I didn’t just found a weapon? “Yoo Bella!”, Nero says a little louder while he jogs back into the living room. “Maybe don’t open the cabinet that’s-”, Before he can finish he sees me kneeling on the floor holding the gun inside my hand. Just like it happened to me the color of his face fades completely. “Fuck.”, he says quietly to himself.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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You came back, like you didn’t ruin me the first time
H.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Eight
I take a look at the clock, 6:27. I get more nervous than before, I hate feeling this way, usually, I’m calmer when it comes to boys. Something about Nero is different, I’m not really sure if it’s a good thing or not, and if I’m being honest I don’t know if I wanna find out. The doorbell rings, I run to the intercom and press the button with the little speaker on it. “Hello?”, I ask with a shaky voice. “Hey it’s Nero.”, comes the response from the other side. “I’ll be right down.”, I grab my purse and put my phone and my keys inside of it. With one last deep breath and a look in the mirror, I open the front door and walk down the stairs. When I open the main door I see Nero leaning against a Dodge, the drug dealing business must go very well. Nero looks at me, smiles, and starts to walk toward me. “Hey Scofield.”, he says and laughs. “Hey Turner.”, I say and laugh too, and before I can stress about how I should say hello he leans down and kisses me on the cheek. “Ready for the game?”, Nero asks and holds open the door of his car. I really try not to blush this time, I don’t know if it’s working. I get into the car and thank him for holding the door. “By the way.”, Nero says as he closes the door behind him. “Do you even like basketball?”, he asks with a chuckle. “Yeah I do.”, Nero looks at me with raised eyebrows. “Well that’s new.”, he says and chuckles again. “But it’s good.”, he adds a soft smile at the end. “I have one question though.”, I say. “Are those the same friends from the bar?” “Yes, why?”, Nero says and turns left. “Oh nothing, they just didn’t seem like they like me that much.”, I say thinking back to how annoyed that Fynn guy was. “Don’t worry, you met them on a bad day. You’re gonna like them, and when they really meet you they’ll like you as well. Besides they were pissed at me, not at you.”, it’s true if I think about it. I hope they’re as chill as Nero. We drive a little longer and talk about basketball, when we drive over the Kennedy bridge I get the feeling I know where he lives. It would fit him and his drug dealer thing. “Where do you live, by the way?”, I ask to find out if I was right. “East Harlem.”, Nero says and looks over to me. I bet he’s trying to figure out if I’m panicking or some shit. I don’t get why people think I’d think less of them because of where they live. And yes east Harlem isn’t the safest place in New York but it’s no different from where I grew up. “Don’t look at me like that.”, I say with a small laugh. “I grew up in the Bronx, I know how it is.” “You grew up in the Bronx?”, Nero asks surprised. “Wow, you gangster too.”; I laugh at his answer. “‘course I am.”, I say slightly shaking my head. “My friends gonna like you, for sure.”, Nero says with a smile. Not long after that Nero pulls over into a parking lot. He turns to look at me. “That’s the one.”, he says and points to a dirty, three-floor building. “You ready?”, Nero asks. I smile and nod at him. We get out of the car and walk over to the building. “Are your parents home?”, I ask while Nero unlocks the door. He stops and looks at me for a second then he focuses back on the door. “I live alone.”, he answers quietly. “Well actually not alone, with Fynn together.”, I take a good look at him before I say anything. It doesn’t seem like he’s on great terms with his parents. “I’m sorry.”, I say as we walk up the stairs. “For what?.”, Nero asks and turns around with a smile. “I don’t know exactly, but I can tell you’re not good with your parents.”, I say hoping not to cross the line. “Well you’re right, but let’s talk about that some other time okay?”, Nero says with an apologizing look on his face. I appreciate it so much that he’s trying to be nice about a clearly uncomfortable subject. I always get annoyed when someone, I don’t know well, wants to talk about my parents. It’s none of their business. “Yeah okay no problem.”, I say and touch his arm. He follows my hand with his eyes and then looks at me with something between a smirk and a smile on his face. When we come to a halt in front of a door on the second floor, Nero turns around to face me one more time. “One thing about them, they’re very loud and can be a lot for someone, so if at any time you don’t feel comfortable, you gonna tell me and I will tell these fuckers to cut it out, okay?”, Nero says with a smile. I laugh at him. “I think I’ll be okay.”; I say still laughing. Nero turns the doorknob around and all I can think about how dangerous it is to leave the door unlocked when you live in East Harlem. When the door is fully open I can see four guys. I recognize Fynn from the bar and I believe the boy with the light brown hair was there too. Currently, they are putting bowls filled with snacks on a coffee table. “Guys I’m back.”, Nero says and closes the door behind me. He puts a hand on my back and lightly pushes me towards the group. “This is Bella.”, he says, his hand still on my back. The boys smile at me and say hello. “This is Isaac.”, Nero points to a boy who is, compared to the others, shorter with brown hair, he’s the same I saw in the bar with the back facing toward me. “You know Fynn.”, he says and moves his finger to the boy who stands the closest to us. “And those are Chase and Jayden. They are twins.” “You don’t say.”, I say sarcastically. The boys start to laugh and I immediately feel comfortable. “Don’t worry if you can’t tell us apart at first.”, Chase says friendly and smiles. I get where he’s coming from, they do look freakishly alike. Both have dark skin and short curly hair. On top of that, they wear the same clothes. But when I look closely I can see that Jayden’s eyes are a little bigger than Chases. “I’ll be fine.”, I say with a smile. I don’t tell them that I found a difference in their looks, twins don’t like to hear that. I don’t like to hear that as well, even though my twin is a boy. “The game starts in ten minutes.”, Fynn lets us know. “Bella do you even know how basketball works?”, Fynn asks with a laugh. When he grabs the beer that stands on the table, I notice that he wears a wristband with the New York Knicks logo on it. “Seems like I’m better informed than you, if you are a Knicks fan.”, I say with a smirk and cross my arms in front of my chest. All of the other boys try to hold back a laugh. “What’s that supposed to mean?”, Fynn says with a smile and sparks in his eyes. “It means that the Knicks suck.”, Fynn gasps as soon as the word leaves my mouth. “Take that back.”, he says and with a wide-open mouth and eyes. The other guys just laugh at the little fight we’re having. “Oh please have you seen the Stats, and they didn’t even win one game.” “They won against the Bulls.”, he says pointing his finger at me. “Oh damn, one game, congratulations.”, I say and laugh. “You know what, we will see what’ll happen tonight.”, Fynn says and sits down on the couch. “You will see, I already know what’s gonna happen. The Nets are gonna win, the Knicks will lose.”, I say sure. Nero walks past me into the kitchen area opens a fridge and grabs two beers. “Okay if you continue fighting we will miss the game and never know which is the better team.”, Isaac says. “Bella, you can sit wherever you want.” Nero hands me one of the two bottles and smiles at me and walks past me, to sit down on the couch. I follow him suit and sit next to him. The game starts but I keep losing focus because of the guy next to me who looks at me almost every two seconds. When Nero and I make eye contact he smiles at me and winks. This time I don’t blush but I smile back at him and turn to look at the TV, which by the way is a very expensive one. I’m not sure how he can afford all of that, I mean he does live together with Fynn, but I don’t think he has more money than Nero. Dealing with drugs won’t get you the kind of money to pay for an apartment in New York, a Dodge, the designer clothes Nero is wearing, and all the luxuries such as the TV. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”, Nero whispers and leans down so only I can hear him. The other boys are so loud though, it wouldn’t matter if he spoke at a normal volume. I look at him and smile. “Nothing.”, I say still smiling. Nero just stares at me and then shakes his head. “Not true.”, he’s good. I don’t like that. “Let’s just focus on the game and watch Fynn’s team lose.”, Nero laughs at me and turns back to the game. As it gets later, the empty beer bottles almost fall off of the coffee table and the game slowly comes to an end, we all came closer and forget we all have been strangers just a few hours earlier.   “You know what Irving!”, Fynn yells. “Fuck you! Without you, the Nets would be screwed.”, I sit on the floor, my back leaning against the couch, and watch Fynn explode out of anger. I can’t help and laugh. “You shut up!”, he says and points at me. “Yo, leave her alone.”, Nero says laughing. “Just because the Knicks suck, you have no right blaming her.”, Fynn looks Nero devastated in the eyes. “How can you say that.”, Fynn asks and acts like he’s about to cry. “You’re a New Yorker.” “Yeah, that’s why I’m for the Nets.”, he says and laughs, so does everyone in the room, well...except Fynn. Kyrie Irving does the final throw and the game is over. New York Knicks lost 109 to 113 against the Brooklyn Nets.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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🤍🤍
“Your back hugs are my favorite.”
— k.b. // i miss them so much
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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Explaining Depression
I don’t know, I sit in front of this Laptop and have no idea what I am supposed to write. I thought as soon as I start it will get easier but it didn‘t. I mean how do you explain one of the most unexplainable things in this world. You can’t.
There is only one thing that you can:
You can feel it yourself
If you have never felt the urge to kill yourself or to drown yourself in alcohol, drugs or simply any other way to just shut out the thoughts, the voices and reality, you will never be able to understand it. And if you don’t get what I'm saying, just know that you’re very lucky and I sincerely hope it stays that way.
Because Depression is a disease and just like cancer it should be treated like you could fade away any second. Cause you can.
But it’s not the disease that kills you. It’s yourself, who can no longer live with it.
It doesn't matter if it’s a mean comment from one of your classmates, a not so funny joke from one of your friends or just a thought of an old memory. The tiniest thing can lead to your death.
I think the worst part is, that you think you can’t do anything about it. That in that moment all you see is darkness, a never ending overwhelming darkness, which slowly takes over your inside, it practically eats you alive. Until you become just as dark as the feelings you have. And when you hit that spot, there is no turning back, you do and say certain things a ‘normal’ person would never do or say.
From there it just gets worse. The people that used to care about you turn away from you because it’s too hard dealing with you.
And I know it’s not fair to say that, but I think it’s so selfish of them to just look away and ignore whatever is going on with you. Because they at least once promised they’d stay when things get difficult.
But in this time and age promises don’t mean a thing.
Depression isn’t just being sad, it’s everything and nothing at once. You feel so much weight laying on you, yet you feel empty. You feel so damn empty and lost. It’s like you’re homesick after a place you have never been to. A place you probably will never find.
H.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Seven
Just when I’m done doing the dishes I hear my phone go off in the other room. I put the towel away and walk into my room. I grab the phone from my nightstand where I left it earlier. It’s a message from an unknown number. Unknown: Yoo McClane Unknown: Survived the night? A bright smile appears on my face as I save the number under Nero. Me: I did. How bout u? Nero: Never been better Nero: Listen I don’t know if you r interested in basketball but me and the guys watching the game later Nero: If u wanna join I could come and pick u up Me: Sure I’d love that Nero: Okay great I’ll pick u up at 6:30 I lock my phone and let myself fall backwards onto my mattress, my smile got even wider than before. I need to tell someone about this. I grab my purse and put on my sneakers. I leave the apartment but leave behind a note for my brother.   I cross the street and walk to the building Hannah lives in. I press the doorbell next to the name tag that says "Scott". “Hello?”, I hear after a few seconds from the other side of the line. It’s the voice of Lele. “Heyy, it’s me.”, in the next moment the door buzzes, I push it open with my shoulder.   “Bellaaa!”, I hear a little boy's voice yell. I run up the stairs with a smile on my face. When I finally arrive on the third floor I see the precious little face of Hannah's little brother. “Quentin!”, I say happy. He runs at me and throws his arms around my thighs. I ruffle through his blond locks. “How are you Champ?”, I ask as we walk back into the apartment. He tells me about the game he had earlier today and how he made four touchdowns. “That’s great! You’re gonna play in the NFL one day, I can tell already:”, I say as we enter the kitchen area. Quentin answers with an even brighter smile. “How are you sweetie?”, Lele asks me but she’s focused on whatever she’s cooking right now. All I can say is that it smells delicious. “I’m good.”, I pick up one of the drawings that Quentin made and left it on the kitchen table. “I didn’t know that Forrest wanted to visit New York.”, she says and turns around to face me. “It wasn’t planned, he came to lecture me.”, I say with a laugh. “But we came clean this morning.” “Yeah he told me.”, Lele steps behind the chair I’m sitting in and starts to go through my hair with her hands. “You know he meant well right?”, she asks with a soft voice. “I know he did but at that moment it really hurt my feelings.”, I admit, Lele sighs and goes back to the pans on the stove. “Well, they all love you. You know that” “I know they do. I mean why wouldn’t they.”, I say sarcastically. Lele laughs and shakes her head. “Bella?”, I hear Hannah’s voice from her room. “Hannah I need advice.”; Hannah opens her door wider. “Then come right into Hannah Scotts therapy session.”, I laugh and walk over to her. “So what’s up?”, she asks as she closes the door behind her. “Okay don’t freak out but I met this guy.”, Hannah's eyes widen “Stop! Don’t you dare!”, I say knowing what’s going to happen next. “Finally!”, Hannah says with a bright smile and sits down on her desk chair. “It’s been so long.”, she sighs. “Not really, it’s been a little over a year.”, I correct her. “Long enough.”, Hannah says with raised eyebrows. I roll my eyes and do something that I’ve tried to avoid for so long. I think about my Ex-Boyfriend. Nick was a really, well let’s say unique, guy. He tried to be special like he used to say how different he was from the other boys and that he doesn't care what they do and think. That wasn’t at all the truth. Nick would do anything to get more popular than he already is. When he got more famous he’d started to treat every one of his old friends, I included, like shit. Suddenly I feel a soft pillow hit my face. “Scofield, you alive?”, Hannah asks worriedly. “Yeah sorry.”, I say and shake my head to get rid of the thought of Nick. “I zoned out.” “So, tell me everything.”, Hannah says, knowing what I was thinking off. I tell her everything that happened between me and Nero. The first time we met at King, the meeting in the bar and diner and finally about the kiss on the cheek and give back the exact same words he said. Hannahs's eyes glow while listening to the story. Finally, I tell her about the ‘date’ we have later.   Hannah asks so many questions about his character and his looks that my head starts to hurt. “And he’ll pick you up later?”, Hannah asks for the thousandth time. “Do you know what you’re gonna wear?”, I look down at the cloth I’m currently wearing. “What’s wrong with this outfit?”, I ask confused. “Nothing, but you still should change before you meet him again.”, she says and walks over to her dresser. “Let’s see, what’s cute but not too much for the first date.” “It’s not a date!”, I say a little louder. Hannah rolls her eyes at me. “Still not a reason to not look cute.”, I give up and watch her dig deeper and deeper through the drawers. “But make it comfy at least. If we’re watching the game I don’t wanna sit there in skinny jeans for two hours.”, Hannah goes through the cloth hanging in front of her. “Okay, then you’re just gonna wear mom jeans with a white top.”, Hannah says and turns around, looking for my approval. I nod because it does sound like a good outfit for tonight. “you can wear my new Nike shoes if you want. They’d go great with the look.”, she says while throwing the jeans and the top onto the bed. “If you don’t need them.”, I say and take a look in the mirror. “Wanna have a face hour?”, Hannah asks with a happy face. A Face-Hour is simply an hour of a home spa. Trust me, it does wonders. Three hours have passed off us doing a long ass face routine and watching Friends. “Do you want to wear make-up tonight?”. Hannah asks as we watch Ross say the wrong name at the altar. “No, but I’ll put on some mascara.”; I say and get up from the bed. When I’m done I grab my purse, the cloth, and the shoes I want to wear later. “I’ll go and get ready.”, I say and kiss Hannah on the cheek as she continues to watch Friends. “Are you gonna shave?”, Hannah asks with a smirk. “Hannah I just met the guy.”, I say and open the door. “That wasn’t the question.”, she says still smirking. “Hannah!” “So that’s a yes?”, her eyebrows are raised as she waits for the answer. “Shut up.”, I say and close the door behind me but I still hear the laughter coming from the other side.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Six
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It’s been hours, we’ve talked about the most random stuff. At some point, Nero left to get us beer and he even brought a bottle of Jack and snacks. I really got to know him in the last two hours, his last name is Turner, he has been living in the city his whole life and that his father left when he was six. I bite into my twizzler and try to bring myself to stop laughing. “So you actually trying to tell me you have seven brothers.”, he stops for a moment to calm himself. “Your mom was pregnant eight times and had you when she just turned 30. Your parents need a hobby.”, He says still laughing when he takes a sip from his beer. “Well actually, she was pregnant seven times. I’ve got a twin.” “You got a twin?”, I nod at his question. “That’s dope.”, he freezes for a moment. “Yo hold on, can we talk about this seven boys one girl thing for a second.”, We start to laugh again. “Well that’s a question I can’t answer.”, I say and take another bite. “Although, I have more uncles than aunts so that probably is just something that carries in the Scofield family.” “Your last name is Scofield? That’s a cool ass name, I’m not gonna lie to you.”, Nero says with a chuckle. I laugh along. “I probably should head home.”, I say with sadness in my voice. I wish i could stay but Murphy is going to check on me before he leaves for work. “I will walk you home.”, Nero says and get up. “Oh, you don’t have to.”, I tell him. “I know I don’t have to but I want to.”, Nero says and holds out his hand for me. I smile at him and take his hand in mine. For some reason was the way back faster than getting there, which I hate since I want to spend more time with him. “That’s me.”, I say and nod to the building I live in. “And don’t laugh at me but I have to climb up the fire escape.”, Nero and I both laugh anyways. “Thank you for today I really needed that. And thanks again for paying everything, are you really sure you don’t want me to give you back at least a little.”, Nero smiles and shakes his head. “But you could give me your number instead.”, Nero says straight forward. “Smooth move Turner.”, I say while laughing and shaking my head. “But yeah sure, I can do that.”, Nero pulls out his phone and hands it over to me. I type my number into his phone and save the contact under Scofield. I give him back his phone and look up at him, not sure what to do next. So I stand up on my tiptoes and kiss him on the cheek. “Bye Nero.”, I say softly. “Bye Bella.”, I pull away and start to climb up the ladder. As I reach the third floor I pull open my window but look down again. Nero’s still standing there and watching me, when he sees that I look at him he pulls his hand out of his pocket and waves. I wave back then climb through my window. When my feet hit the ground after this long night I immediately realize how tired I am. I change into more comfortable clothes and lay down in my bed. Just when I cover myself up I hear a soft knock on my door. I purposely don’t answer it so my brother thinks I’ve been asleep the whole time. When I slightly open my eyes I can see that the door opens and how Murphy steps into my room. He comes closer to my bed, bends down, and gives me a kiss on the head, he turns around again in the same moment and leaves the room, and quietly closes the door behind him. Only a few seconds later the door opens again and Forrest steps in, he too comes closer to my bed but instead of bending down, he kneels next to it. Forrest lightly shakes my shoulder. “Bella, wake up.”, he says. I open my eyes to look at him. “I wanted to apologize, of course, I’m not just here because of your school problems.”, Forrest says genuinely. “How about I make us some breakfast and when I say breakfast I’m talking bacon, pancakes, and eggs type of shit.”, I laugh at his suggestion but nod at the same time. “Sounds good.”, I say and smile. I can’t be mad at him for too long, I know he meant well. “Okay great. But I do have to do my workout first and probably buy some stuff for the meal, so let’s make it eleven or twelve.”, he says and get up. “Yeah sure.”, I say and close my eyes. “See ya later.”, Forrest leaves my room. ***   “Any plans for the day?”, Forrest asks while swallowing a piece of pancake. I shake my head. “Not really, maybe I’ll stop by at Hannahs later.”, I take a sip of my orange juice. “And of course watch the game later.” “I wish could watch it too, but I’ve got so much to do while I’m here.”, he says with an annoyed face. I just laugh at him and he answers with a kick against my shin. “Ouch!”, I yell out. “Then stop laughing at me.”, Forrest says with a laugh. “But I have to go now or else I will never get done.”, he says and gets up. He picks up his plate and a few other things. “Don’t worry, I’ll clean up.”, I say with a smile. I know how stressful it can be to get everything done and still spend time with the family. So the least I can do is the dishes. “You’re an angel.”, Forrest says relieved, and walks to the front door. “I’ll see you later.” “Bye.”, I say as he closes the door behind him.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Five
I look down at my phone, almost three. “Hey, can I show you something.”, I ask as looking up. “Sure.”, Nero says with a nod. “Good, but we have to hurry or else we won’t make it.”, I say and get up out of the booth. Nero puts way too much money on the table and follows me out of the diner. We walk to the next subway station, hoping the train won’t take so long. “Can I ask where you’re taking me?”, Nero asks with a smile on his face while he’s looking down at me. “You’ll see.”, I say with a smile. “Oh, and thanks for paying.”, I say and blush. “Don’t worry about it, now you know I’ve got enough money, right?”, he says and winks at me. I blush even more and look away out of embarrassment. “Don’t look away, you’re cute when you blush.”, Nero says with a bright smile on his face. I punch his arm lightly as we both laugh, it's a good thing the train is here. We get in and sit next to each other in the almost empty wagon. Somewhere further in the train is a homeless guy, yelling at god knows what. “Son of a bitch!”, yells the same man. Nero and I burst out in laughter. I rest my head against his shoulder as we continue laughing. I tap against Nero's knee three stops later, to tell him we have to get out. As we walked up the stairs, I take a look at the time just to realize that we’re a little behind. “Shit, we have to hurry. Can you run?”, I ask putting my phone back in my pocket and looking up at him. “Nope, when God made me, he took this ability from me.”, Nero jokes. “Oh you’re so funny.”, I say with a smile and an eye roll. “Come on now.”, I say and start running. We run down the block. Right before I cross the street, I feel Nero’s hands on my hips stopping me. A biker drives by at the same moment we came to a halt. Nero leans his head forward, his mouth is directly next to my ear, I can feel his hot breath on my skin. “Don’t kill yourself on the way there.”, Nero whispers. Goosebumps appear on my skin my breathing starts to fasten. Nero’s right-hand moves along my hip to my lower back, while his left hand disappears. His right hand made it from my lower back to my left arm, moving down to my hand. We intertwine our fingers, Nero takes a step forward and turns around to face me, he smiles at me, the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen in my life “Come on.”, he says softly. “Aren’t we late for whatever you wanna show me?” I come back down to earth and try to think straight again. “We are.”, I say nodding my head. I look to both sides before I pull him over the street. We start running again, still holding hands. After a mile or so I guide Nero into a backstreet. “You trying to rob me or some shit?”, Nero asks ironically. I let go of his hand and chuckle. “Blame yourself, shouldn’t have shown me how much money you have in your wallet.”, Nero laughs. “Okay we’re almost there.”, I say and stop in front of a ladder. I start to get up. “Follow me but you have to be quiet.”, I say looking down at him, he just nods. As soon as I’m up I duck down, Nero follows my lead. I point to a metal door just a few feet away from us. We walk as quietly as possible to the door. When we reach the two metal steps I stand up straight again, Nero does too. “Where are we going?”, Nero whispers. “You’ll see.”, I say smiling up at him. I grab the two clips I always have in my hair and kneel down in front of the door. “If someone would see us from the wrong angle this would look really wrong.”, Nero says laughing. I bite my lip to not let out the laugh I’m holding in. I slap Nero's knee, he flinches. “That hurt.”, he whispers screams at me, still smiling though. “Then stop making me laugh, I’m trying to break into a house.”, I say laughing. “Oh yeah about that, isn’t that illegal or some shit.”, I look away from what I’m doing at the door and look up at him. “I don’t know, is it, Mr.Drugdealer?”, Nero laughs and shakes his head. “Just open the damn door.”, I do just that. I slowly open it further so we both can step in. We are now standing on a staircase.   “Okay come on now or else we’re gonna miss it.”, I say and start to run up to the roof. We finally reach a second metal door, I know this one isn’t locked so I just open it and walk outside. Light wind is hitting us, I take a look at my phone, 3:27 “We got two minutes left.”, I say I grab him by his arm and pull him to the edge of the rooftop. I climb onto the tiny wall, which is supposed to be a fence or something like this, I let my legs hang down into the deep, Nero does the same. I look straight at the three office skyscraper, which are standing a few blocks down. “Now what?”, Nero asks silently. “We wait another minute.”, I tell him without facing him. When the minute is finally over, the lights from the office buildings go out and for once a New Yorker block is left in complete darkness. Neither of us is saying something, we just sit and take a break from the City that never sleeps. Suddenly I feel Nero’s hand over mine, we’re still facing the buildings, still not saying anything. Another minute passes and the lights go back on, we remain in the same position. “Thank you for bringing me here.”, Nero says turning his head to me. “You’re welcome.”, I say and look at him. The wind blows my hair into my face, Nero's hand leaves mine and he softly tugs the strand back behind my ear. His look switches between my eyes to my lips. Nero leans forward, as I just freeze. Is he really going to kiss me? Do I want to kiss him? I close my eyes, as he’s almost just a fingertip away from me, but instead of feeling his lips touch mine, he kisses my cheek. Nero pulls his face just two inches in front of mine. “Not yet.”, he whispers. “Why not?”, I whisper back. “Because we have enough time. There is no need to rush.”, Nero says and pulls back, he turns to look at the skyline again. I didn’t expect this, he looks somewhat of a womanizer. This proves again that you shouldn't judge anyone. I rest my head on his shoulder and look at the sky, he puts his arm around me and pulls me closer.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Four
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When I walk a few steps, deep in my thoughts, I remember I have nowhere to go. I mean I still could sleep at Hannahs, I know Lele, Hannah’s mother, wouldn't mind. But I don’t wanna be a liability. 
So staying up it is. 
I decide to go to King for a while. Just watching the city and listening to music, should calm my nerves a little. Staying outside all night isn’t the best thing to do when you live in  New York, but it’s beautiful. Because it never gets dark, the lights from the billboards are so bright that you could think it’s daytime. 
When I realize that the weather at night is still so could that I can’t take it, is it already  1 A.M and since the weather will just be getting colder I chose to go to a diner. 
But at this time, there are a lot of bad people at the more popular diners. So I drive across the city, via subway, to get to a nearly empty one. 
I stand a little further from the glass door, I don’t know why but I don’t feel like being alone. I know Hannah is home, I know I could call her, she even would come out, I don’t really know why I’m not calling her. 
“Debating if you are hungry or not?”, I hear the now very familiar voice of Nero behind me. I turn around to face him, his hands are shoved into his front pocket. The coldness in his eyes isn’t as present as it used to be, but he’s still the most unreadable person I’ve ever met.
“Okay now it’s getting kinda creepy. Did you follow me or some shit?”, I say with a laugh and a smile. He walks closer to me.
“At the beginning yeah actually.”, he says while scratching the back of his head. “But I lost you pretty quick. I had a very bad feeling to just leave you alone at night.”, Nero truthfully admits. He’s now standing right in front of me, I never realized how tall he actually is.
“Well you found me again.”, I say with a smile. 
“I did.”, he says and smiles too. “So, should we go inside?”, he nods to the diner.
“Yeah sure.”, Nero opens the door for me and I immediately start to blush.  No one has ever done so sweet stuff for me, even though it’s such a little thing to do. As we sit down I remember that Fynn guy and the three other boys, who were sitting at the table.
“What happened to your friends?”, I ask as I look at the menu. 
“I ditched them.”, he says with a shoulder shrug.  
“What can I get you?”, an older grumpy Lady asks us, in her hand she holds a block and a pencil, which she is impatiently tapping against the paper.
“For me an Iced-coffee, please.”, I say with the nicest smile. If I had to work at a diner at almost 2 A.M I’d be grumpy too.Nero orders a Milkshake and smile at the women too, which makes me happy, I hate people who reflect other people's behaviour. 
“So you ditched them?”, I continue on  the conversation. “Hopefully not because of me.”
“Well kind of.”, Nero says with a smile. “But you’re not the only reason.”
“Uh ouch that hurt.”, I say with fake emotions, which makes Nero laugh. The lady comes back with our order, we thank her and start to drink in silent for the first few seconds. 
“What was the other reason?”, I ask curious.
“I had to do something.”, Nero says with a dry smile.
“And is that something selling drugs?”, I ask straight forward. Nero is shocked for a moment. He doesn't say anything. “Don’t look at me like that, it’s pretty obvious.”
“No, not at all actually.”, he says still confused.
“Okay listen, first thing the money. I promise I didn’t mean to look, but I saw how much money you had in your pocket and most teens with money have either rich parents or they are selling drugs.”, I’m pretty proud of my analysis, I read so many books about it and even though people call me weird when I say things like this, I just feel good, because I know I’m right.
“Why not rich parents though.”, Nero asks with a little smirk, leans back and crosses his arms in front of him. That was the part where I had to take a lucky guess, his reaction told me that I was right though. I think of the reasons why my guts told me that it’s the drug thing.
“Your eyes.”, I finally say.
“My eyes.”, Nero asks and raises his eyebrow.
“Yeah your eyes. I noticed before that you have very cold eyes, very unreadable. I figured people with happy and rich parents are less likely to have up such a shield.”, as soon as those word leave my mouth I realized how stupid this must sounds. He must think I’m so weird now, gosh sometimes I hate myself and my big mouth so much.
“You’re good.”, Nero simply says and takes another sips from his Milkshake. I didn’t expect this reaction, I don’t know what I’m supposed to answer to that. “Aren’t you scared?”, Nero asks still focused on his shake. This time I’m the one who raises the eyebrows 
“Scared? Of what?”
“Of the drug dealing thing.”, he says and looks at me. “Usually when I tell someone I’m a dealer they freak out. One actually ran away from me.”, Nero says with a chuckle.
“Well I’m not gonna run from you, I can tell you this much.”, I say and laugh.
Everything is so weird with him. He’s so calm, he didn’t react to me acting like Sherlock Holmes at all, usually people freak out if I analyse them, they call me freak and shit. I don’t care though, I got the people I need on my side. I ain’t need no one else. 
“That’s odd, but I think I can work with that.”, Nero says and leans forward, resting his arms on the table. I Look at him, he has a smile on his face, a promising one. I never connected so fast with anyone. 
“Maybe he wants to hurt you.”, says the small voice in my head, I’m desperately trying to drown out. Not everyone is secretly trying to hurt me, just because they’re being nice. 
“Hey you okay?”, Nero says and raises his eyebrows. I must have been silent for a little too long.
“Yeah I’m fine, just thinking a little.”, I say and give him a small smile.
“‘bout what?”, the more I look at Nero the more I see that he’s been through a lot in his life. He too has a lot of scars on his body, I could be wrong but a few of them look like gunshots. I think this is boy is more trouble than it seems. 
“About life.”, I lie as I look at his eyes again, at those dark blue eyes which clearly hold a story behind them, an even darker story than the colour of theirs. I stare at the one scar on is upper right arm. Nero follows my stare when he lands on his scar he looks back at me.  
“Did it hurt?”, I ask quietly, looking back into the blue.
“No.”, he says in the same volume. “Believe it or not.”, Nero continues while staring into my eyes. “Getting shot isn’t as painful as it seems or looks, but you wanna know what hurts?”, I nod fascinated by his words. “When they pull the bullet out of your arm.”, I don’t say anything I just look at him, so does he . Seconds pass, suddenly his mouth turns to a smile, so does mine, we start to laugh. I cover my mouth and Nero looks away, still laughing. 
“Never in my life did I laugh when I talked about my scars.”, Nero admits. 
“Well you can cry too, if you want.”, I say. Nero chuckles:
“I’m good with the laughing.”, we’re getting serious again. 
“What did you do after you got shot?”, I ask curious, hoping I’m not crossing a line. Nero licks his lips and flinches his eyes lightly, he has worry on his face. 
“I fell down on the concrete.”, something is off with his answer. 
“What happened before you fell.”, I push a little harder. I don’t like when someone lies or hides the truth. They don’t need to tell me everything they can be honest if they don’t want to share a certain thing with me, but they don’t have to lie.
“Don’t push it.”, Nero says as he gets more serious. 
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but you don’t have to lie.”, I quote him. Nero stops for a moment. 
“You good.”, he says with a grin.
“I know I am.”, I say and take another sip from my coffee. 
“But actually I didn’t lie to you, I did fell down.”, Nero says and points his finger at me.
“Hiding the truth is the same thing as lying.”, Nero thinks about my statement then shakes his head. 
“No I don’t think so. See, people only lie to get something, so they’re doing it for their own benefit. But when someone hides something, most of the time, they are trying to protect the other person.”, Nero leans back, very satisfied with his explanation. 
“Then what is it you trying to protect me from?”, I ask with a winning smile on my face.
“Oh I see what you did there.” Nero says with a chuckle. “From myself I guess.”,he says, answering the question anyways. 
“And why would I need protection from you?”, Nero raises his eyebrows once again. 
“You seriously asking this the nineteen year old boy with gunshot wounds?”
“Well just because you have the scars, doesn't automatically make you the bad guy.”, I think for a moment before I continue. “But I got a feeling the thing you did before you hit the concrete does.” 
”How come we’re always coming back to that subject?”, Nero asks with a small smile. 
“Because I’m that good.”, I say with a grin. 
“I can tell.”, Nero says and leans forward again. “I shot back.”, Nero says, his head’s hanging low, his eyes  looking up at mine. 
“I figured.”, Nero lifts his head slowly confusion in his expression.
“Why aren’t you  scared?”, Nero almost whispers. 
“Is there a reason I should be scared?”, I ask calmly. 
“No, not at all.”, Nero says truthfully while shaking his head. 
“So we’re good then.”, I say with a bright smile.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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A monster is still a monster even if you love it more than yourself.
Blood is still blood even if you put it in a cake.
You are still you after all the things I taught
And I am still me even after this war you fought
You tried to change me or yourself
But some hearts don't warm up and some heart don't break
No matter how much they are chafed
Some colors are just too strong to blend.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Three
A little lost I look through my room, I’m not really sure what to do next. I look through my window to the other side of the street, to the house where Hannah lives. I grab my bag, stuff a few clothes in it and close it again.
Next I hop onto my desk and open the window to climb down the fire escape, like I usually do, when I sneak of to a party. 
I know she won’t be back from here date yet, so I just go to an old friend of my mom’s.
When I arrive at the Bar, I get the same confused looks i get every time I walk through the door. But I don’t really care, I never care what people of me think, they can stare all they want. 
When I sit down at the bar Iris, the owner and my mother's good friend, is pouring a glass of Whiskey and hands it to an elderly man. 
“Hey sweetie, how you doing.”, she asks and hands me a bottle of beer. “Don’t tell your brother.”
“Thank you.”, I say with a sigh and immediately take a sip from the cold bottle.
“Oh wow, what’s wrong with you today?”, Iris asks and start to clean the counter. A strand of her fake platinum blond hair falls into her face, she just blows it away. 
“I had a fight with Forrest.”, I say and close my eyes. “Well actually, less of a fight more like me, telling him off.” 
“I didn't know he was back in town.”, Iris says surprised.
“Yeah, me neither.”
“And what is the Problem? You usually want them all back here.”
“I do! And I was really happy to see him, believe me. But when he literary tells me, that he’s only here because of my school behaviour, it just changes a lot of my emotions.”, I say with a chuckle. Iris joins me.
“But honey, he only wants the best for you, don’t forget that.”, she says and walk into the storage room and comes out, with a bag of nuts, just a few seconds later. 
“Yeah, I know.”, I sigh again. Iris walks away and leaves me alone with my thoughts. 
“Yo McClane.?”, a male voice shout from the other side of the room. McClane? Wait I know that voice, I turn and there he is, walking toward me. 
“Oh, the emperor.”, I say and smile at Nero, who is now only a few steps away from me. He laughs at the nickname. 
“What are doing in a bar, I don’t believe you’re twenty one yet.”, Nero says and sits down on the Barstool next to me. 
“Oh yeah and you are?”, I ask ironically. Even though he looks older than most teenagers, there is no way he’s twenty one. 
“Touché.”, Nero says and laughs and there it is, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. 
Okay I sound like a total creep, I really should get my shit together. He’s just a boy, I grew up with seven of them, I know how much they can suck.
“So what are you doing here?”, I ask him and take a sip from my bottle.
“I’m here with a few friends.”
“You mean the group of boys staring at me?”, I say and laugh. Nero turns around to look at his friends, who are now looking away like nothing happened.
“Yeah, with these Fuckers.”, he says and chuckles, after he turned around again. “So, tell me a few things about you. The universe wants us to meet apparently.”, Nero says and winks at me, like he did earlier today, and I just blush the same way.
“Well, what do you wanna know?”, I ask as I try to ignore the fact that four pretty large boys are staring at me.
“For starters, tell me why you’re here.”, Nero asks and stares into my eyes.  His eyes still looks so cold and dark. Like he’s trying to hide something. The same shiver runs down my spine, and again I feel like looking away but for some reason I can’t.
“I had a fight with my brother.”, I say as I still stare into his eyes.
“Hopefully not because of me. You know because you were late or something.”, he says with a worried face.
“Oh no, different brother.”, I say with a chuckle. “But definitely the more annoying brother.”
“What did he do?”, Nero ask and raises his and slightly to order another beer.
“He came all the way from Germany to talk about my school problems.”, I say with an eye role. Nero laughs.
“So you are from Germany, huh.”, Nero asks.
“Yep.”, I say with a sigh. Nothing good comes to my mind when I think about Berlin. Even though New York is probably worse when it comes to criminality, I was way more in the whole scene then I am now. A few visions and memories come to my mind, I see bloody noses, fights and a lot of weed and other drugs.   
We are both quiet for a moment. I can feel him staring at my scars again. I have a lot of scars, they’re all over my body. I’m not exactly ashamed of them, but neither do I think they’re pretty. I still try to hide them. I’ve said before, I don’t care shit what people think of me, but behind these scars is so much pain and too many memories, and it’s nobody's business what I’ve been through, so I cover them up. 
I pray to god, he won’t ask any questions. 
“What’s with all those scars?”, he asks carefully. Of course he’d ask questions, they always do. “You don’t have to answer, I’m just curious.”, Nero adds.
“It’s a very long story, maybe another time okay?”, I say with a small smile.
“Yeah sure, don’t worry.”, Nero says, smiles and puts his hand over mine. Slowly he rubs his thumb over the back, his eyes are always on mine.
“Dude, we don’t have much time left, come back here.”, yells one of the boys over to Nero. His hair is blond, I think he’s a little shorter than Nero, but still very tall. Nero and I break out of the trance we were in just one second ago. He removes his hand, mine feels cold now. I look at my hand, trying to figure out why this little gesture felt like so much more.
“In a minute, Fynn.”, Nero says to the blond boy, who's name must be Fynn. 
“We don’t have a minute!”, says another boy from the table, with more annoyance in his voice. ,
“It’s fine Nero, just go. It is late anyway.”, I say and get up from the chair. I pull out my wallet to pay for the beer, even though Iris wouldn't mind if i left without paying. Nero raises his hand again and with the other one he pulls out his wallet too.
“I got you.”, he says as he takes out money. And I swear I didn't intend on looking, but there is a whole lot of money in that wallet. I wonder where he got it from. Probably like every kid from New York, either rich parents or drug dealing. 
“You don’t have to pay.”, I try to protest. 
“Just did.”, Nero says with a smile while I just roll my eyes. 
“Thank you.”, I say still annoyed.
“Always.”, he says still smiling. I can’t stop it, I just have to smile too.
“Okay, I have to go. And I think you should go back to your friends too, before they murder you.”, I say and wink as i walk to the door.
“But wait, where are you going now?”, Nero asks, again with concern in his eyes.
“Sleepover at my best friends house, I think.”, I say with a shoulder shrug, hoping that Hannah is home already.
“I just talked to Lele.”, Iris says, as she walks back behind the bar. “Hannah isn’t home yet.”, she disappears into the storage room again, without knowing that she complicated my situation a little bit more. Nero looks from her over to me again.
“So no place to go, huh?”, he asks, more concerned than before. 
“I’m just gonna head home.”, I lie, knowing damn well there is no way I’m gonna go back there. That’s definitely one of my bad traits, when I’m really disappointed or hurt by someone, I need space. my brothers know this by now, but even I get annoyed by it sometimes. Always leaving the house after every little fight, but I know if I stay I will say mean stuff or just go crazy. I know, if I go back now, especially after I’ve been drinking, it’s gonna end in a war. I’m just gonna pull an all nighter, staying up the whole night. Eating waffles at a shitty diner at 3 A.m. Watching the sunset. Maybe meeting some of my crackhead friends, knowing they will be up. 
“Nero!”, Fynn yells again. “I swear to god, I’m losing my fucking patience.”, it’s easy to say that he’s not lying.
“Nero I’m fine, go.”, I say with the sweetest smile I have to offer. “Thank again for the beer.”, I wave as I open the door. He gives me a smile too, before the door closes fully behind me, but it’s not an honest smile. He’s not really happy that I left, but I’m not his Problem. It’s weird enough how we act around each other, like we’ve known us for years. 
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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New York Hustle // Chapter Two
The boy is very tall, I can tell even though he’s sitting right now. His hair is black and he has light brown skin. When his eyes meet mine a chill is send through my whole body, his look is so intimidating and cold that I have to look away, but I can’t for the first three seconds. Neither can he apparently. When I gain my self control back, I look away and I sit down on the other bench. It irritates me, that someone else is here, for years I’ve known this place, but never have I seen anyone except Hannah or me here. 
I grab my sketchbook and a pencil from my bag and continue on the drawing I started this morning. It’s a drawing from one of the the nightmares I’ve been having lately. Drawing always helped me to find peace and to come clean with the dreams, but I swear if anyone else finds these pictures they would think I’m a psychopath.
After five minutes the boy seems to look for something. I sneak a glance over to him, he’s standing now and he feels over every pocket, but it looks like he can’t find whatever he’s looking for, a lighter probably. I focus back on my drawing. 
“Yo, sorry for bothering you.”, the boy says while walking closer to me. I close the book and look up to him. “Do have a lighter by any chance?”
“I do actually, hold on.”, I lean down to grab my bag and look for the lighter, I know I have in there somewhere. After only a few seconds I find it and hand it to the guy. When I look him in the eyes for a second time of the day now, I realize how beautiful they are. They have the most stunning blue colour I’ve ever seen, but a more dark blue colour, they look exactly like the Tyrrhenian sea. The place I used to visit so many times when I was younger
“Perfect, thank you.”, he says with a deep voice.
“Yeah no problem.”, I say and give him a smile.
He goes back to his bench and pulls a little bag from his pocket. Looks like weed from here, when he also takes out a grinder I definitely know it’s weed. When he suddenly turns his head and sees me starring, he smirks and waves the little plastic bag in the air.
“Wanna smoke with me?” 
I laugh out of embarrassment, because he caught me staring, but also because that’s just what I need right now. I grab my bag and get up to walk over to him. He scotches over to make room for me, when I sit down I immediately realize how good he smells. Oh my god what is wrong with me. I don’t care about the smell of someone nor their eye colour. Hannah is interested in all that but not me, I’m probably spending too much time with her.
“I’m Nero.”, says the boy and holds out is hand.
“I’m Bella.”, I say with a smile while shaking his hand. I’m a little confused by his name, but I won’t mention anything.
“I know that silence, you’re think about my name aren’t you.”, Nero says with a smirk.
“I am.”, I admit with a chuckle. “I mean you are named after an emperor, your parents must have a lot of faith in you.”, now Nero is the one that laughs while he rolls the joint. 
“You would think, right.”, he says wit a chuckle, still focused on the joint. “I saw you were drawing.”
“Oh yes, but the one I was working one is not good, I think I’m just gonna throw it away.”, I lie. It’s probably better if I don’t show him the picture. 
“If you don’t wanna show me this one you can show another one , but you don’t have to lie.”, Nero says when he looks at me with a smile. I stare at him, how did he know I was lying?
“Yeah sure.”, I say and take one of the drawings I’m most proud of. It’s a picture from John McClane from ‘Die Hard’.
“Oh shit.”, Nero says and takes the paper. “That’s sick. Die hard is one of my favourite movies.”
“Yeah mine too. You can keep it if you want.”, I say and shrug my shoulders.
“You sure, it looks so good.”, Nero says while analysing the picture to the fullest. 
“Yes I’m sure.”, I giggle. 
“You’ve been blessed with a talent. Can Your Mom or your Dad draw?”, he asks still focused on the drawing. I pause for a moment.
“My dad.” I say with a low voice.
“Well, you should thank him for giving you that talent.”, Nero says and finally puts away the paper. 
“I will.”, I say with a bright smile.
Nero lights the Joint with my lighter and takes the first three drags, he then hands me the J’. After a couple minutes of silents Nero leans back and stares at the trees surrounding us.  
“So what other movie do you like?”, Nero ask while blowing out the smoke out of his mouth. For some reason that looks so attractive to me. 
“I like a lot of movies.”, I laugh, thinking of the piles of DVD’s in my room. When I turn to Nero he looks right at me, but not into my eyes a little bit higher. I can tell he’s staring at my scar. I look away fast and try to cover it up with my hair. 
“Sorry, I didn't mean to stare.”, he says and sits up a little.
“Oh it’s fine, I’m used to it.” I say and give him back the Joint. 
“Doesn’t make it okay.”, I turn to look at him again. This time our faces are a lot closer. Okay Bella back off, remember you just met that guy and don’t know him at all. Again I can’t take my eyes off of his. 
“I think I should go, or else my brother will go crazy.You can keep the lighter”, I say and get up.
“Oh yeah of course, thanks for the drawing and the lighter.”
“No problem.”, Nero smirks and winks at me, I just smile and try to somehow stop myself from blushing. 
The further I go away from him the brighter my smile gets. I can’t believe this actually happened. Usually stuff like this only happens in the movies. With a shake of my head I come back down to earth and after only a few minutes I’m back home. 
“Murphy, I’m home.”, I call out, but instead of my oldest brother Murphy my second brother Forrest walks out of the Murphy’s room.
“Forrest?”, I ask in disbelieve and run to hug him. I haven’t seen him in months. Actually I haven’t seen most of my brothers for awhile now, I really miss them. Since I have seven brothers, I’m so used to the hectic and the fact that someone is always home. We grew up in a very small apartment in the Bronx, I had to share my room with at least two of my brothers. Back then it just annoyed me, but I kinda miss it now.
“Hey Engel.”, he says in german and lifts me a little of the ground.
“What are you doing in New York?”, I ask as we separate again.
“No reason actually, just missed you guys.”, he says with a shoulder shrug.
“Aww, that’s so cute.”, I say as we sit down on to the couch. “So, what do you wanna do? Movie or we could pick up Elijah and go out for dinner.”, I say.
“Yeah we can do that, but I have to talk to you first.”, Forrest says, I can tell something is off. 
“What is it?”
“About the problems, you’ve been having with your teacher and a few of your classmates.”, Forrest begins with a low voice. 
“Oh hell no, I ain’t talking about this now. You just came back from Germany, you really wanna ruin this right now?”, I ask with the most annoyed face I have to offer.
“Well Bella, that is actually the only reason I came to New York.”, he admits. 
He’s kidding right? The first time I’ve seen him for months and it’s because of something so stupid. Did he even want to see me or did he just come to make a whole family drama out of nothing? 
“You know what? I really thought you would want to see me, but no! Of course not, why would you want to visit your sister, who you haven’t seen in seven months?”, I get up angrily and storm of to my room. And before he can say another word, I slam the door and lock it behind me. 
I swear to god this Family is too much for me to handle. We never see each other, but when Bella fucks up again everyone is suddenly interested.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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You looked at me so beautifully, 
I almost forgot you broke my heart.
H.S.
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wordsforthesoul · 3 years
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Introduction
Hey guys:) 
This is a story about a girl living in New York, trying to manage her dreadful life. She has been through a lot in her life already, now being raised by her oldest brother. She meets the boy Nero Turner who finally, after a way too long time, makes her feel alive again. 
But what happens if you get addicted to the love of someone so dangerous as Nero?
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