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winslet-universe · 1 month
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I never expect that I will be coming back here. I just want to breathe after a very tiring day. I just want to share the thoughts in my mind but it seems today is also a hectic day for the people, so I am writing it here.
You know, this thought has been running through my mind for a while now:
Do the people around me okay with me?
Do I'm doing good in my job?
Did I deserve the position?
Do I really have a true friend?
Do they like me?
Are my efforts enough?
Do I matter?
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winslet-universe · 1 year
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I thought I will not be writing here anymore...
but again, I am here just like the other days. How come my life did not improve even a bit? Where did I come short?
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winslet-universe · 2 years
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I am on the edge of the cliff now.
Should I start this by saying "please, save me" or "no one will ever save me now"?
Yesterday, I thought that I have someone who will listen to me if I say that I am on the 'survival mode' but I got the wrong idea. No one wants to listen to this never ending drama. They are just good in saying "we are here.", "i am just one chat away", or "you are not alone" but at the end of the day, they won't be there. Who wants to be tangled with somebody's problem? No one.
But what's wrong with this? Nothing. Everyone struggle, everyone are all in their own survival mode so please self, stop demanding and expecting someone's help. Stop being selfish! And beside you deserve it!
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winslet-universe · 2 years
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There is no time that I didn't doubt myself. I always question my actions, decisions, and even my own personal beliefs. Now, I even doubt if I am good enough or am I doing my profession right. Every day for 3 years now, I ask myself if those students will learn from me? If I am giving them the right advice, if I am making the right call for them. I am never confident in doing those things and I really feel bad about it. People expect that in this profession, you must be confident and rightful all the time.
Is it wrong to become doubtful?
Is it wrong to be scared?
Is it wrong to not be confident?
Is it wrong to make mistakes?
Then, are we not human?
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winslet-universe · 2 years
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I am hanging by a thread. I can't understand myself. My situation is getting worse. Nothing can calm me down. I feel scared that everything suffers because of me. They will be hurt because of me. It's all my fault. Why can't I find an answer? Why can't I find the source of all of this?
Can anyone save me?
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winslet-universe · 2 years
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The clouds start to form again. The thoughts of leaving came back and the urge is stronger than before. I am scared to myself again. I am afraid that these clouds creates typhoon and might destroy my whole sanity. I don't know if I will be able to get some help before it's too late.
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winslet-universe · 2 years
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Seeing this after a very demanding day, everything pays off.
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winslet-universe · 2 years
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The day I can't believed I survive.
Eight months ago, I reached the point of my life that I was done with my life. I pick a date for my departure, it was October 27, 2021. Another day that will come and go in our life. I pick a date that seems casual so that it can be easily forgotten when I'm gone. I also planned to go to have a staycation and eat a lot of melatonin in a hotel in that day so that I will be not be seen dead in our own house because I believe the pain will linger on when I do it there. Days and months have passed and I totally forgotten about it and month of October arrived and suddenly I remember my plans. I said to myself, "oh, it's time to go." but that time, I started to doubt myself, do I really want to go now? do I really want to do this? Everyday, every time I looked on my calendar, the days are passing and going near to that planned day, there is a day that I thought I should make it happen but the next day, it was gone. Until I realize, God tried to stop me by introducing some people such as Maya Lee and Mark Manson. That month, I started to read bible and finish the book 'The Subtle of not giving a F*ck'. I also invited for a mass that month. Also, on that very day, I got a cough and a runny nose. I feel the desperation to get well soon and that time I finally realize that I don't want to do it anymore. There is something waiting for me out there. I have friends waiting for me. I have students to teach and I have so many things I want to do it. Maybe, I am not that mentally stable so far because that thought is not yet vanish in my mind but I know, God will be there.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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EVERYTHING TURNS OFF! The house is full of awkwardness. This is the worst situation I ever been in my life and I wasn't expecting this kind of situation. People turning backs to their favorite persons. Communications are not working well. In this kind of moments, we should be in the same page, helping each other, fighting but how come we come to this point that everyone was so aggressive and being unmindful to others? I can't do anything. I can't stop them. I can't express myself because first of all, I have doubt to myself if I can encourage them to make up, second, I believe that I don't have the right to be offended in this kind of situation because I was also like them, inconsiderate. Lastly, did my opinion counts in this house? I don't know what will happen later on but I can feel that it will doesn't stop here.
I feel like my whole sanity will left me this time.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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Night wind, the cause of my heartache.
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Every night, when the night breeze starts to roam, my heart start to feel melancholy. Perhaps, night wind brought the memories I already buried that cause my heart to remember it again.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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“My mum brought me up to think that personal happiness is more important than your family.”
— Gail Porter
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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I want to have a quiet space here in this house where I will be able to write, read, think and have my me time but it seems impossible to do. I just want to leave this house and find some quiet and comfortable place for myself. A place where I can continue to do everything I want to do without being interrupted or without explaining what I am doing.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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It was a good news but I don't feel good about it.
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Getting a promotion should makes your heart feel content and proud but why I am feeling that I am entering a trap? I feel like lost and uncertain. I'm scared that I won't be able to find my way out. I just want to do the things that I want to do, for real.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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Have you ever experienced that you are not enough? I mean, no one deserves you because not all people deserve a bad fate. The thought that everything will not turn out right if you include yourself in that. I always feel that way. I feel pity to those people who experience misfortunes because of me. I feel bad to my family that I grow this way. Having no talent, for being stupid, for having a bad shape, and even having this demon inside my head. There’s no way I can make my family proud of me. Same with my friends, I feel bad for them. Everyone deserves to have a trustworthy and reliable friend but unfortunately, it’s not me. Lastly, I pitied my old and upcoming students for meeting me, for making their lives hard, and not learning something new because of me being an incompetent teacher. Nothing are going in my way, and I don’t want to share it with people. They don’t deserve it. World doesn’t deserve me!
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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Why people likes messing with me? There is people that think they help you but they make everything worst. It is funny to think that one of the reason why I'm having difficulties in my emotion tries to help me as if he doesn't hurt me before and his audacity to bring back the past in front of me makes me upset! Encouragement coming from him doesn't seems real and makes him hypocrite.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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Every night, every time, every moment that I see happy people because they achieved their dream or goal, because someone loved or cared about them or they already find their self, there is always thought in my mind, why I did not do that? Why can't I do that? Or how they can do that? I feel that that I already missed that moment and I can't bring it back now. Or I'm too scared to do something? Just don't know the answer. Also, every night, it always comes to me that I am being taken for granted. I also feel that way to be honest. I call myself as option. Not just an option but the 'last option'. I was never a first option in my whole life as far as I remember. Lastly, (I just want to write it because I want to released it from my mind and lessen my emotional pain.) I don't feel comfortable in our own home. I was never hundred percent comfortable in our home since then because I need to watch out everything I do or say so that they will not be angry or I don't embarrassed them. Now, it is more complicated and worst than before because they expect a lot from me because of my profession, more people are in the house and I need to conceal everything and adjust to everything, and I need to be always aware that I messed up big time before, I offended, hurt, embarrassed them and my image is already tarnished so I need to be careful. There's no room for mistake and I don't have the right to feel offended now and I think I need to bear the guilt for a long time.
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winslet-universe · 3 years
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“You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
A.A. Mine
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