we-are-a-dragon

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Count Baron Sir Knight has made a run for it.

Tati (playing Seraph): *gasps* We know where the escape tunnel leads out!!

M (playing Kjell): Yes! I roar and go for the nearest window.

Adam (playing Billie): I want to sit in his chair and drop myself down the trapdoor after him.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): Ooh, that's good.

DM: We're going to end the session there, and I'll note those actions for next week. You can all see now that Thaddeus has pointed it out that every goblet except the Count's is laced with that same white powder.

Adam: I've absolutely already drunk from mine.

DM: Oh!

Hamish: Really?? You said you were waiting for us to poison test!

Adam: Oops. It looked so tasty.

DM: Make an Endurance check.

Adam: Uh, 31?

DM: *makes note* And you'll find out the result of that next time too.

Adam: Ah...

#funny #dnd #yeet #poison #Seraph #Kjell #Billie #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #Count Baron S Knight #escape #oops #endurance #cliffhanger #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Tati (playing Seraph): Before I eat I want to make an Arcana check on the food. I pick up a macaron and surreptitiously sniff it.

Rach (playing Ashiok): Arcana check here too.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): I want a Nature check for poisons.

DM: I want you each to make Bluff checks to be sneaky about this.

Tati: 40.

DM: Nice.

Hamish: ...22.

Rach: *winces* 18.

DM: So you two are just very obviously inspecting everything with big frowns on your faces. The Count watches you with narrowed eyes.

M (playing Kjell): I'm not making any checks, I trust they'll figure out if anything's wrong.

Adam (playing Billie): Yeah, I'm the empress, my stooges can poison check for me.

DM: There's nothing magical about the food. However, Thaddeus, as you peer blatantly into your goblet, you can see a smear of half-dissolved white powder in the cordial.

Hamish: *eyes widen* Oho! I manifest my wings and halo, shove the goblet toward him and thunder "What's this white powder in my cup?"

Tati: I drop the macaron I was sniffing.

DM: He recoils very slightly and laughs awkwardly. "White powder in your drink?? Well, I never..." He pulls up the arm of his chair-

Tati: I reach for my staff.

DM: And the chair tips him into a trapdoor underneath and pops back up without him.

Party: *erupts*

#funny #dnd #poison #poor rolling #Seraph #Ashiok #Thaddeus #Kjell #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #Count Baron S Knight #arcana #nature #bluff #oops #angel #yeet #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Your host finishes pouring your drinks and invites you to eat.

Adam (playing Billie): I ask, "Before we break bread with you, may we know your name?"

DM: He pauses. "Of course, that would only be polite as your host. My name is Count Baron S. Knight."

Party: ...

Tati (playing Seraph): No wonder the magistrate's wife was so confused!!

M (playing Kjell): Yeah, fully with her now!

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): "So... is that first name Baron-"

DM: "Last name Knight, yes."

Rach (playing Ashiok): "Well, your parents certainly had a sense of humour."

DM: He shrugs delicately. "Deva."

Tati: I ask, "What's the S stand for?"

DM: "Sir."

M: *howls* Count Baron Sir Knight! This is my favourite NPC ever!

Hamish: Yeah, I love him. I can't help it.

#funny #dnd #names #NPCs #Billie #Seraph #Kjell #Thaddeus #Ashiok #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #deva #Count Baron S Knight #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: There is a delicious selection of food laid out on the table - fruits, meats, fresh buns. He offers you cordial.

Rach (playing Ashiok): Ooh, cordial! Not just fruit juice, but cordial!

Adam (playing Billie): "Absolutely, I'll have some."

DM: He personally pours for each of you from the head of the table.

Tati (playing Seraph): I say, and I'm being genuine here, "This is very impressive. Do you have a magical way to prepare such a lot of food in a hurry, or did you prepare it with your own blue hands?"

M (playing Kjell): *chokes* Your own blue hands...

DM: He smiles indulgently. "With my own hands, of course. I love to have fresh bread at all times, but this is my speciality." He lifts a cloche to reveal a plate of multi-coloured macarons.

Rach: Insight, did he really cook it himself?

DM: Absolutely not.

Adam: I ask sweetly, "May I have your recipe? I've never made those little biscuits before."

DM: He smiles smoothly. "Of course. It's in the kitchen, so I'll fetch it after our meal."

Rach: Good save.

#funny #dnd #food #insight #Ashiok #Billie #Seraph #Kjell #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #fancy #magic #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: The deva leads you through the manor.

Rach (playing Ashiok): Is there evidence of renovations?

DM: Absolutely. There are building materials lying around, and lots of recent repairs. None of it matches the original style, it seems he's going for function over form.

Rach: Tacky.

DM: He leads you to a dining room where the table is set for 8.

Rach: I say "Oh? Who else is joining us for lunch?"

DM: Rach... There are seven in your party.

Rach: ...Oh yeah.

DM: Speaking of which, actually, the table is set for seven. As soon as you reach the dining room he hastily puts out an extra setting for Godric, saying "I apologise. I did not spot you from afar, my little friend, being... diminutive as you are."

Tati (playing Seraph): Does he have a fairy high chair? Like one of those modern high chairs you strap to the edge of the table, but fairy sized?

Adam (playing Billie): *laughing* Oh god, please!

DM: NO.

Adam: That would be too good...

#funny #dnd #fairy #oops #Ashiok #Seraph #Billie #Godric #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #lunch #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: The deva spreads his arms wide and says, "Welcome, guests. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): We're here to investigate the recent disappearances in the village.

Seraph (siren sorcerer): As the person of highest authority in these parts, we hoped you might be able to shed light on the situation.

DM: He swells at the recognition.

Seraph: *satisfied smile*

DM: He says, "Oh yes, good. What a terrible thing."

Thaddeus: *narrows eyes* Hmm. What do you know about the situation?

DM: "Why don't we discuss it over lunch? It's ready to serve."

Billie (gnome ardent): *raises eyebrow* Enough for all of us?

DM: "Your arrival in town did not go unnoticed. I anticipated such heavily decorated visitors would end up at my door before the day was out, so I prepared accordingly."

Thaddeus: Well, I wouldn't say no to some food.

DM: "Wonderful, wonderful. Come in. Tell me, who do I have the honour of entertaining?"

Billie: Travelling Trauma Centre.

DM: "I haven't heard of you, but I can see you are plenty powerful."

Seraph: I hand him our business card.

DM: He accepts it with a casual mage hand. "My, your own business card! Well, you must be important."

#funny #dnd #lunch #flattery #Thaddeus #Seraph #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #missing persons #business cards #mage hand #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): We go knock on the door of the manor.

Rach (playing Ashiok): I look around the garden for anything out of place.

DM: The garden looks like it was beautiful once and someone is working to make it beautiful again. It's been stripped back hard and resown, there are wheelbarrows around and evidence of landscaping. As you approach the house, there's a flash of movement in one of the windows.

Rach: I point. "Everyone see that?"

M (playing Kjell): "Yep."

DM: Just before you knock, the door opens. A blue deva in majestic red and black robes stands there. "Welcome, guests. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

M: Did we know he was a deva?

Adam (playing Billie): No, that's new.

Rach: You would have thought someone would have mentioned it while we were asking around town.

Tati (playing Seraph): To be fair, the villagers probably just thought he was an extra weird elf or something. They're real hicks here.

#funny #dnd #deva #recon #Thaddeus #Ashiok #Kjell #Billie #Seraph #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

M (playing Kjell): Let's go knock on the door.

Tati (playing Seraph): Thaddeus, check for traps.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): I check for traps.

DM: Huh. Really wasn't expecting that. Your sharp eyes spot an area of disturbed ground directly inside the gate. It kind of has the feeling of a pit trap covered in sticks and leaves, but with grass and earth instead.

Tati: Like someone's turfed for a fire pit and put the turf back?

DM: Yes, exactly like that. But very well hidden, the DC was in the 30s. Once Thaddeus points it out you can all just make out the edges.

Rach (playing Ashiok): Oh no, guess we know what happened to the missing villagers.

Hamish: I take my longsword and dig into the turf.

DM: There's a little resistance of the earth, and then your sword strikes metal.

Hamish: I put pressure on it.

DM: It doesn't give. Your sword scrapes along it.

Tati: Did the strike sound hollow, or like it's earth, metal, earth?

DM: It's definitely hollow under there.

M: It's not a pit trap. It's an escape tunnel.

Adam (playing Billie): Which could be completely innocent!

#funny #dnd #traps #escape #Kjell #Seraph #Thaddeus #Ashiok #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): We head up the hill toward the manor.

Tati (playing Seraph): As we get close, I'd like to make an Arcana or Religion check to look for magic, curses, possession, undeath-

DM: Go ahead and make one of each.

Tati: Sweet.

Hamish: I'll do Religion too.

Rach (playing Ashiok): I'll make an Arcana check. 36.

Tati: 36 for my Arcana too, and 31 for Religion.

Hamish: 37 for Religion.

DM: Your Arcana checks don't turn anything up. However, Seraph and Thaddeus both immediately sense an aura around the manor - the entire area of grounds inside the wall and the manor itself are imbued with some very negative Religious energy.

Adam (playing Billie): Bad juju.

DM: Yeah, the house has very bad juju.

Tati: I murmur, "Step carefully. Something is very wrong here."

Hamish: Can I tell how recent that energy is?

DM: The problem with Religion checks is you typically use them to search for really ancient stuff. So you can tell the energy here is not ancient, it's probably older than any of you but you can't get more of a read on it than that.

Hamish: Fair enough.

#funny #dnd #arcana #religion #Thaddeus #Seraph #Ashiok #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #bad vibes #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Kjell (half-elf barbarian): Sounds like our next step is to go up to the manor and ask this lord what's going on.

Ashiok (drow psion): Let's tell him the new empress is here and he's to host her! He's new in town, it's time for a royal visit!

Billie (gnome ardent): Maybe…

Seraph (siren sorcerer): If he's a disgraced noble, wouldn't that be unlikely?

Ashiok: It's a great honour! And it'll put him on the back foot.

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): Let's just stick to the adventurer routine. It's what we're used to.

Billie: That's probably for the best.

Ashiok: Fineee...

#funny #dnd #royalty #plans #Kjell #Ashiok #Billie #Seraph #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Rach (playing Ashiok): I'd like to make a Streetwise check to track down rumours about the silhouettes in the manor windows.

DM: The tales grow wilder the more villagers you talk to - some say they saw only one or two shadows in the windows, but soon you're hearing of silhouettes with glowing eyes, silhouettes with horns and tails, someone even describes seeing a single silhouette in each window and when they blinked they were all gone.

Tati (playing Seraph): We want to try and find one of the earliest people to start spreading the rumour.

DM: Eventually you track down a halfling woodturner. He says, "I remember it well. I was off to see my beau, and on the way home I happened to glance up at the manor. I saw four silhouettes - a group of three who were huddled in front of a window, and one solitary figure in the next window along. Next thing I knew, the single figure had drawn the curtains, and then the group of three dispersed. I'm certain it was four figures."

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): I ask, "How many people had gone missing by that time?"

DM: "Er, I'm not certain. It could have been four. Yes, probably four."

Tati: Sounds like a really important detail to have made a note of…

#funny #dnd #streetwise #rumours #Ashiok #Seraph #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #missing persons #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Eremyn tells you, "The first five went missing within a short time of each other. After that, a group of the braver village lads went up to the manor to demand answers. They say the Count let them in and invited them to search high and low, but they didn't find any evidence of the missing people."

Ashiok (drow psion): Did they find evidence of renovation?

DM: "Yes, there has been lots of work done."

Ashiok: Have you seen supplies going in? Labourers?

DM: "There have been caravans of lumber and other materials, as well as furniture and the like coming in. He says he's doing all the renovations himself."

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): Did the search party make it back safe?

DM: "Yes. Since then two more have gone missing, including one of the boys from the search party."

Thaddeus: Interesting. Can we have a list of races and names?

DM: "I have that here. There's been a dwarf, two elves, an orc, a halfling, a minotaur and a goblin go missing."

Thaddeus: *aside* I'm sure there's a joke in there, but we might have to go down to the bar to get it.

#funny #dnd #missing persons #jokes #Ashiok #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Tati (playing Seraph): I ask Eremyn, "How many are missing now?"

DM: She says, "Seven. My husband Salin was first."

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): "Do you have a last name?"

DM: "Hand-and-a-Half."

Party: ...

Tati: So is that dick length?

Hamish: Beard length?

Adam (playing Billie): Horse size?

#funny #dnd #dick jokes #names #Seraph #Thaddeus #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #rude #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Eremyn sits you down and offers you tea. There's one servant in the magistrate's residence who seems to act as guard, maid and general helper. Eremyn asks, "What do you know about the situation?"

Tati (playing Seraph): I recount, "Someone moved to town around the time of the first disappearances, which may or may not be related."

DM: She purses her lips. "Yes, some high and mighty noble."

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): "Tell us about him."

DM: She says, "He arrived and took over the empty manor house, and said he was our lord now so we'd have to pay him taxes and whatnot. We told him we've done fine without a lord in the manor for years."

Hamish: "Name?"

DM: "I'm not sure. Count something, maybe. Baron, maybe..."

Rach (playing Ashiok): "Well, which is it?"

DM: She shrugs. "I can't remember, sorry."

Hamish: Insight check. Is she magically confused, or just a peasant?

DM: She just doesn't know the difference. She goes on, "My husband went to introduce himself formally and ask this Count's intentions- and never came back."

Hamish: Huh. That seems like an important detail. "Is it possible he disappeared before he got there?"

DM: "I marched myself up to the manor the next day to ask. He said Salin had been to tea and left to return home. That's the last time he was seen."

#funny #dnd #mystery #missing persons #Seraph #Thaddeus #Ashiok #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #NPCs #nobles #insight #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Your arrival in Brook-by-the-Hill causes something of a stir. These people have probably never seen a griffon before. You're approached by a dwarf woman a little past middle age. "Hello, travelers. What brings you to Brook-by-the-Hill?"

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): We're adventurers, here to investigate your missing persons.

DM: "That's wonderful! I'm Eremyn - my husband is the magistrate, but he was the first to go missing. What can we call you?"

Thaddeus: We're Travelling Trauma Centre.

DM: There's a ripple in the crowd. Eremyn's eyebrows raise. "Goodness! Our humble plight has reached such important ears!"

Thaddeus: Well...

Kjell (half-elf barbarian): We were kicked out of the house.

DM: She nods. "Wife?"

Kjell: ...Butler.

#funny #dnd #missing persons #quests #Thaddeus #Kjell #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #brook by the hill #famous #servants #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: You have just arrived at the small village of Brook-by-the-Hill.

Tati (playing Seraph): People going missing, shadows in the window at night?

DM: That's the one.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): Have we checked the brook? The one by the hill?

DM: You've only just sighted the town and landed your griffons.

Hamish: There could be babes in the bushes. Next destined emperor.

DM: Oh, I thought you meant hot girls.

Hamish: No! I'm playing Thaddeus, not Hunter...

#funny #dnd #quests #misheard #Seraph #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #brook by the hill #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Last session's recap:

Travelling Trauma Centre returned from a few weeks off visiting families and generally road-tripping around, and Billie was coronated as the recognised empress of Gandarall (an ancient empire replaced a thousand years ago) and the heir to the throne of present-day Persia. They spent another couple of weeks mucking around in the capital city of Suda while Billie sorted out all the little details of her new role, and eventually their butler Knockfit gave them a quest to get them out from underfoot.

#funny #dnd #recap #coronation #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #Gandarall #Persia #NPCs #Knockfit #servants #quests #travelling trauma centre