w-ithering

[w-ithering]

#oop #still do #every day on the way to work #uh hence why i quit and no longer ‘work’

[w-ithering]

I mean yeah I carry a sadness that exhausts my will to live like a leach on my heart but I’m basically fine

[w-ithering]

i've tried to write some sort of vent post for 10 minutes now and i keep deleting it bc nothing is making sense. basically it's hard to feel so alone within your own family, so detached from absolutely everyone. in the world as well. i honestly think something has broken inside of me and i'll never be able to form an attachment or even a mild genuine connection with anyone ever again. even though it's the thing i crave most. i think i've ruined that part of me. this started out as a 'i wish people had supported & encouraged my art more growing up' because online my family is like 'look at my incredbly talented family member's creations!!!! wow!!!!' but irl i don't feel that. and it's not that they don't say my art is good if i show them, i just don't feel it. nothing feels genuine. i don't think anybody is attached to me either. and i never got any support with my art other than someone saying it's good when i showed them a piece of art. i did take art classes as a child, but only because one of my best friends' mom taught them in her house with my whole friend group. but when those ended there was nothing beyond that. and like every other vent i make ik i sound like a spoiled brat. i'm lucky i had the ability to do art at all as a child, i know this. i just wish i had been encouraged to persue it more, so i wouldn't have given it up when i did and fallen into a mental illness spiral. i feel like i had the potential to do something bigger with my art, to be someone better. but it's too late now, i'm too damaged now.

[w-ithering]

so basically i am pretty sure i’m autistic and i’ve suspected this for years now, but i am constantly talking myself down from it, saying it’s actually just bad social anxiety and i’m not autistic and i’m just grasping at straws or whatever the fuck. looking for something other than ‘just anxiety’ to blame all my issues on.

now there are definitely reasons i think i’m autistic that have nothing to do with social anxiety and that’s why i question it so much. major sensory issues with food and smells and sounds for example, being a human encyclopedia and vessel for lots and lots of facts i spew at random times. there are many more (..pages more) but this isn’t the point rn.

autistic issues with socialization are primarily not picking up on social cues, too little or too much eye contact, lack of empathy (this is bullshit tho). like basically being oblivious to how nts communicate i guess - not picking up on facial/body expressions, tones in voice like sarcasm and hinting at things.

but i’m sometimes that but mostly the opposite, which would be the main symptoms of social anxiety. i feel i’m hypersensitive to peoples tones and expressions, though i don’t often look at peoples faces. i’m aware if they take a step away from me or sound disinterested in what i say, and my head runs wild with anxiety at the tiniest thing thinking i’m annoying and a burden and should spare everyone having to socialize with me.

and because of that, i keep talking myself out of thinking i’m autistic. but then i also wonder- if i can read social cues but can’t actually portray them properly myself, is that a social anxiety trait as well or an autistic trait? i really don’t know. and i don’t really know how i socialize bc i kinda black out during it most of the time lol, but i do know it’s nearly always painfully awkward because of me. i’ve been called rude when i was not trying to be and didn’t think i was being, ive been told people didn’t think i liked them bc of how i interacted with them, which wasn’t the case. i’ve been told i’m weird or cute bc of my social awkwardness.

anyway my main point of this post is: what exactly are some examples of social cues you often miss as an autistic person? the more specific the better.

because i wonder if i think i can understand them but in reality actually don’t. i sometimes have a hard time knowing what specifically people mean by certain things so i’m wondering if i just have the wrong idea of social cues in general? also being raised by who i was raised by would probably have an impact, no? because i was basically raised by sarcasm. my family doesn’t know how to be serious and i’ve become hyper aware of sarcasm (especially my dad’s) to avoid embarrassment and come up with witty comebacks. same with passive aggression. my dad has always been passive aggressive and it’s also just a very canadian way to deal with things and i hate it but i grew up with it so it’s easy to detect for me. it’s all learning right?

i could go on, and on, ….and on, but i’m gonna leave it at that for now.

#autism

[w-ithering]

another general question for autistic folk:

how are you with working a job? do you have a job? are you able to have a job?

i finally got my first proper job at age 22, working at a big daycare with all ages of children and directly with around 8+ staff each day, but interacting with around 12-16 staff on the daily, plus around 50 children + all their parents every day. it was okay some days, good some days even, though the interacting with staff was always very draining and overwhelming for me. the best days were the days i worked alone with a smaller group of children for 10hrs. i rarely found interacting with the children exhausting, but as soon as i had to work with other staff i was just a mess of internal anxiety. i was pretty good at powering through and masking it until i got home. i was so tired i would fall asleep immediately, didn’t have mental or physical energy for any hobbies. my eating disorder got out of hand many times as well. especially before work, i would have ‘meltdowns’ or anxiety attacks or whatever you wanna call it. i would cry, i would punch myself, i would punch the car window, i would punch my wall. i was scared and overwhelmed and tired and i did not wanna work. it began to really take its toll and i started having (more civilized) breakdowns at work. i lowkey snapped at a close coworker for asking me too many questions i didn’t have answers to and broke down sobbing and had to take a break - this was during the christmas party for the kids. one time i broke down in the yard while i was watching the children because another close coworker came over and asked how i was doing. she had to hug me until i stopped crying. shortly after, i quit. i gave like 2 months notice and actually planned on going back once i’d had a few months break, but life happened and i ended up moving.

i was working there for over 2 years, which is way longer than i thought i would, and it’s now been a year and a half(?) since i stopped working, but i cannot see myself having another job. i don’t want it, and i don’t feel like i can handle it. i know all of my mental & physical energy would be consumed by it, even if it was just part time. i do make art and sell it to make some income (i’m not very consistently motivated with it, i’m still sorting my brain out) and though it sucks not being able to support myself fully financially (i still live at home, though i do pay rent) and not having financial freedom to do whatever i want, i am so much less stressed & anxious being at home doing my art. my art is something i did not have any energy for while i was working.

what i’ve learned after looking back on it was the biggest factor leading to me reaching my limit was the daily interactions with coworkers. the constant small talk (seriously, i would dread the ‘hey how are you’ ‘i’m good how are you’ constantly every single day), the trying to figure out what they want me to do, the having to call people or go find people to ask them questions. working with all those children isn’t what pushed me over the edge, it was socializing with my adult coworkers every day. + having to wake up early and have my whole day taken up by something i didn’t want to do.

for now i plan to try and be and stay more consistent with my art & my shop, and depending on my living situation i’ll maybe go work at a barn cleaning stalls & paddocks for some extra cash. i have no plans to return to a ‘proper’ job. and i don’t see an issue with this the way our society does, the only issue is this world is too fucking expensive and i can’t afford to live.

so yeah just wondering what your experiences are with working and if you do have a job and if you feel unable to work like i do

#autism

[w-ithering]

another thing about ‘my autism’ is that i’ve always been very good at masking. i have a sister (likely also on the spectrum, definitely adhd) who was much better than me socially (actually really good at making friends, though she does have social anxiety) but her support needs at home were much higher. she’s always had extreme sensory issues particularly with sound and visual stimulants like someone wiggling their feet or fidgeting with things (though she needs to do these things herself, she can’t stand to see others do them). her issues were so severe she could hear humming of electricity etc nobody else could or someone breathing just a little too loud and she would have full meltdowns (looked a lot like angry upset tantrums). she would scream and slam things and throw things and break things. so i learned VERY early on to suppress any stims and to watch for when she would start to get irritated. i also learned early on that my own sensory issues were not as bad as hers, so in my head they weren’t serious and didn’t matter and i didn’t need to upset people to have my own needs met. on a positive note though it did make me very sympathetic & empathetic to others’ needs in that sense.

so i really don’t know to what extent my outward stimming would look like if i hadn’t taught myself to suppress them from such a young age. i do stim now quite frequently but they’re fairly subtle. ‘socially acceptable’ stims for the most part.

since learning about autism and masking and unmasking, on top of just generally being Over It™️ at this point, i have started unmasking a bit. still there’s a lot that’s just been suppressed so long it’s gone forever, or things i don’t even know i’m masking, but i’ve started allowing myself more freely to rock on my feet when i’m standing around waiting for something (like at a store checkout or in line for things), i don’t try so much to force eye contact. i make much less eye contact now and i will admit that fills me with nearly as much anxiety as if i were to force eye contact because i can tell i’m being ‘odd’ and they’re judging me for it. i’ve also stopped partaking in small talk or just conversations that have no interest to me or i find annoying. this is mostly when it comes to talking to my dad, but i also stopped with the small talk near the end of my time at my old job. i don’t completely ignore people, i just don’t put effort into keeping the conversation going when i don’t want it to. it makes more sense if you were to witness it. i just don’t like faking things so i’m not gonna fake interest when it’s not there. because of this though, my dad calls me rude a lot. he calls me mean and rude because i don’t entertain his idea of conversation (which is all very self centred and repetitive and meaningless). i’m not here to boost your ego, not sorry. he also calls me rude if i correct or point out a mistake he’s made. or make a remark that is just a true fact. i have an issue with people outwardly assuming (and believing) things that probably aren’t true, and people thinking what they said is correct when it actually is false. i can’t not correct it. anyway that’s getting a bit off topic.

yeah i don’t really have a conclusion this is just a ‘thinking out loud’ kinda post to add to my autism tag

#autism

[w-ithering]

ayyy

#autism

[w-ithering]

#oop #bpd

[w-ithering]

[w-ithering]

[w-ithering]

not getting enough attention today might have to kill myself

[w-ithering]

[w-ithering]

ZENDAYA’S ACTING… GIVE HER ALL THE AWARDS

[w-ithering]

[w-ithering]

[w-ithering]

mental illness is so embarassing i’ll literally be like I’m fully aware I’m mentally ill but it’s not mental illness this time. and then it was mental illness

[w-ithering]

Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals