vivvie-tremaux

[vivvie-tremaux]

i hate that i feel lonely right now

i hate that i feel like wynne is gonna lose interest in me

i hate that i can't give lindsay the attention she deserves

[vivvie-tremaux]

what if Cerys just fucking killed herself and i burned all these bridges and ran away

[vivvie-tremaux]

sometimes i wish i wasn’t loved by anyone, so these thoughts would make sense. so i could die guilt-free. 

[vivvie-tremaux]

cw: suicide, abuse, self-harm

when i was seven or eight i remember holding knives out to keep my father or mother away from me. eventually they would just come take it so i held them to myself. my throat, my stomach, my eyes. then one day, my father took the knife from me anyway and when I struggled he ended up stabbing me in the shoulder from behind. hospital, stitches, etc. its blurry but it still makes my right shoulder blade hurt to this day. i know once even earlier i did this and slashed myself under the chin. it was thanksgiving and his friends all kept quiet about it too.

i started shutting down then. he would hurt me, i would go numb, then later i would hurt myself. i used paperclips or mechanical pencils or thumb tacks. shoved them into my thighs or arms. i wished i could die but i was afraid. i still am.

in middle school i remember taking bottles of tylenol all at once more than once. my mom never took me to the hospital and i never felt anything more than mildly nauseous. i still wonder if ill pay for that down the line but apparently my liver is fine.

in high school i managed to stop for a while. i threw myself into band as a way to keep my mind busy. it worked for a while, but as pressure weighed down and my mom got more openly cruel and i noticed how different i was from my peers i had my worst breakdowns. i tried hanging myself three times? i think. i woke up once with the blanket-noose i stupidly thought would work still wrapped around my neck and a chunk out of the wall above my door where i thought some drywall would hold my weight. i was stupid then. im fucking stupid now.

i tried in college several times. or got close at least. stood on the whitney center roof and looked down. drank myself stupid and took immodium to try and poison myself. tried to buy percs from my roommate after he bought them from my girlfriend.

how long do i need to do this before i just tip over? how long do i need to keep trying to deal. how many doctors. transition helped a little, but it moreso just gave me a plethora more reasons why my fundamental brokenness has ruined my life already.

my father raped me. my mother destroyed me. its a wonder ive lasted as long as i have. isn't that enough? isn't that enough? cant you love me enough to let me rest, finally? cant i just have peace. i cant function. im not normal. im in pieces.

#suicide

[vivvie-tremaux]

two weeks.

in two weeks, while ellen is away, i will kill myself.

ill write a note, leave food and water for my babies, and then hang myself. i dont know where yet, but it won't be too hard to find a sturdy tree or something.

you'll never need to find me.

ill be gone.

you'll all be better off.

[vivvie-tremaux]

i do not create on any meaningful scale

i do not have the skills to draw or paint

i can no longer make music

i am losing my ability to write

soon i will be nothing but a void

[vivvie-tremaux]

am i honestly happy or am i just convinced this is what will keep me from being alone

[vivvie-tremaux]

im not hot anymore. i showed you too much and now im not hot anymore. i get it.

[vivvie-tremaux]

ellen could come home from aldi to my strangled corpse in the bedroom

[vivvie-tremaux]

i could end it right now

[vivvie-tremaux]

.

#give marceline just enough attention to feel satisfied #oh did you meet your attention quota for today? #then go back to praising everyone else #god im so ready to be done

[vivvie-tremaux]

i could do it. i could tie the belt to the bedpost, around my neck and lean forward and wait. no will left to stop me.

if i locked the door, ellen couldnt make it in in time to save me.

i could die tonight. ill stop framing it as a relief on anyone but me. it would hurt people i love more than anyone. permanently. but what does it matter? I'll be gone and they'll heal and not feel half the confusion and pain that i do.

i am toxic and want to be dead.

[vivvie-tremaux]

i would like to die

im not hot

ill will never hold your attention

im losing you

i would like to die

[vivvie-tremaux]

i deserve death and nothing else

[vivvie-tremaux]

i cant keep up with you. its just a matter of time until until you get bored. im repetitive. predictable. you've torn me apart and found all there is and now i am nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing

[vivvie-tremaux]

why do you fuck up like this? you knew you shouldn’t get so attached. it never, ever ever ever ever ends well. no no no no nononononononoonononononononononononononoonononono

[vivvie-tremaux]

i dont like the way you make me feel.

i dont like being disappointed.

i dont like this at all anymore.

i wish i didnt love you.