June
It does not feel quite so momentous as I feel it should
Not at all like reaching a mountain peak
More melancholy than triumphant
I keep getting congratulations
From people I don’t know
People who wouldn’t have been caught speaking to me the past years
Laden with flowers and certificates
I attempt to embrace
Strangers
Strangers I spent so much time existing next to
But never with
It’s hard to hug people when your arms are full
Is this somehow a metaphor?
How my preference for proficiency over partying
Kept me apart from my classmates
And now the symbols of my academic accomplishments
Prevent me from being close to them
Should I have tried harder?
Put my flowers down on a table?
I wasn’t bullied
Not really
But there was always a chair free between us
Not all of us
Over time
I moved closer to my physics classmates
Chair by chair
We weren’t friends
Not really
But I explained maths to them
And they gave me gummy bears
Is this growing up?
Finding that
Middle ground between
Friends
And strangers
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May
Bare feet in the garden
Spin across the grass
It is the fourth of may
Sandals walk the path
Down to the shore
Past the apple
Orchard, the trees look almost bare
White petals stark against dark bark
The trees across the canal heavy
With green
A breeze caresses my cheeks
Geese cross the sky
And a dove cries
And a heron flies
I join the choir
sing again
For the first time
In a long time
Singing was always my favourite part of your worship
I think of grace
balance across a log
slip off my sandals
Step into the water
It is cold
I am alive
The waves lap my ankles
The after effects of ships long past
I am alive
I look into the sky
Someday I will believe in you again
I am sure of it
But for now
The sun warming my face
is the only god I need
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April
It’s April now
The sixth
Went to the forest today
First new leaves on trees
While the old ones still lie on the ground
Feeding their descendants
The sun shines through the branches still empty
Falcons fly through the trees
Three as I count
I can’t wait until the days are warm and I can dance
barefoot across the grass and my heart
soaring high like the falcons
Three as I counted
I have no one to dance with yet
So for now I spin across the paths alone
Smell the flowers
And breathe the air
The trees in the garden I visit have almost finished blooming
I missed them last year as well
I might never visit again in the spring
Might never see them in full bloom
What bloom will I see next spring?
I lean against a column
legs spread carelessly in the sun
listen to the birds sing
and feel a love bubbling within me
Is this teenagehood?
Dancing across palace steps
A blue sky my only witness
Suddenly
filled with
Hope for the future
We have lemons back home
I’ll make lemon pasta with them tomorrow
And if there’s juice left over
I’ll make lemonade
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March
It’s mid march
well, late mid march
I don’t really know
I’m sitting by the canal
Watching the sun set
Listening to the birds
In the sky and the water
My friend told me last friday that the birdsong at dusk is called the evening choir
So I listen in silence to their compositions
I always sit here
In the same plastic chair
(who placed it here? do they still come?)
looking at the same trees
reflected the same way in the water
one tree fallen into the canal
A branch curving
Reflected
Like a tuning fork
are the birds the same too?
The sky looks different
Somehow
I’ve been here at dusk before
But the sky always looks different
Last time I was here it was dawn
The sky was orange
Today it is pink
I’m afraid of swans
My phone reminded me what happened a year ago today
I remember it clearly
But I swear it was longer ago
Everything was different then
The sky looked the same
Pink
I sent my friend a message
I want to see her response but I am afraid of it
I agonised over it for nearly an hour
I want her to like me so bad
Even though we’ll never see each other again after this summer
Why is talking to people so hard?
I used to be so good at it
I used to be so good at so many things
And now I’m not
I’m good at other things
But somehow I still feel sad
A heron just flew by
Were those sparrows?
I am grieving for something intangible
Is this teenagehood?
I’m jealous of someone for the first time
It feels unfair
I wish my friend all the happiness in the world
And yet I wish her boyfriend would just go away
Is this teenagehood?
I wanted to get away from my thoughts
And so here I sit
Watching a heron fly in circles
Once
Twice
Thrice
It’s gone now
I’m not a philosopher
I’m not a poet
I don’t have any wisdom to share
But I still want to share my thoughts
Is that okay?
I’m not afraid of the future
I feel a sort of nameless melancholy
Is this teenagehood?
I wouldn’t know
Everyone says teenagehood is drinking and staying up late and having your first kiss
No one says it’s sitting by the canal
Thinking about how slowly trees grow
And wondering
If they’ll look the same the next time
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February
It’s the last day of February
A tuesday
I am nursing a hot chocolate
With whipped cream
Met up with my friends
I haven’t known them long
But they immediately felt like home
Something magical must happen in that summer
People from university are so amazing
How can they be so much kinder than people from school?
I hope it happens to me too
I want so badly to be like them
I ate breakfast today
I’ve been eating breakfast lots lately
It’s a good thing but often it feels bad
I don’t like being hungry
But I know it’s good I am
Learning that good things can feel bad is hard
Is it part of that magical thing?
Is that growing up?
After we finished our hot chocolate
we went to the park
my friends are historians
so they told me all about the people that used to live in the palaces
My father is an astrophysicist
So I told them the names of the planets in the sky
High above the trees
and reflected in the water
It was a beautiful night
Last year I was here with different friends
I was so different then
We were so different then
the park is the same
statues still in their winter boxes
What will I be like in a year?
Will the me now be so foreign
As the me from a year ago?
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New Year
It is the first few minutes of the new year
It is dreadfully warm
I am standing in a park by my friend’s friend’s house watching
the fireworks
everyone i am celebrating with is here with their significant other
and they kissed at midnight
and professed their plans to have the best year together
and I watched
And ached
and then my friend hugged me
we both hate phone calls
but we promised
to call each other every week when we’re at university in different cities
her friend said it that was the most romantic thing she’d heard
we laughed
and I felt loved
But the ache remained
It seemed so a momentous occasion
The future so near we could grasp it
The present already in the past
Only real in promises
Made on swings
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flowers spilling across church steps
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I haven’t posted here in ages, is anyone actually interested in seeing any photos?
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