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uwu0clock · 2 years

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Bloom for you

Pairing: Sunwoo x reader Genre: angst, fluff, hanahaki, fake dating Word count: 14.2k Warnings: mentions of blood and death, swearing, drinking, and uhhh all the things associated with hanahaki ha...ha A/N: written for @yangkiwi as a part of the "a gift for you" fic exchange hosted by @cherryutas and @ateez-elena ! hi yanna i'm your writer!! i had fun writing your faves and trying something new so i hope you enjoy <3

It's okay if he doesn't return your feelings, and it's okay if you have to hide yourself whenever the petals show up. What's not okay is if he ever finds out the reason for them in the first place.

Sunwoo's usually the perceptive one of the three of you. At the middle school dance, he was the first to notice the tightness of your smile and the slight slump of your shoulders after your boyfriend had dumped you. He was the first to figure out the good news about Eric's scholarship, though it wasn't as if Eric really tried to hide it—his eyes were brimming with endless excitement that was obvious to anyone. And whenever the three of you played your game of guessing the relationships between strangers in public, Sunwoo was able to differentiate between a first date from a dating app and one set up by mutual friends.

Kim Sunwoo was perceptive, and as his best friend, you knew that fooling him would not be easy.

"I have something to tell you," he says quietly.

"So do I."

While it's far from unusual to be hanging out between classes at the apartment he shares with Eric, you get the feeling that it's different this time. The way he messaged you privately instead of in your group chat coupled with seeing how Eric isn't home only confirm your suspicions. If Eric's birthday hadn't recently passed, you would've thought it'd be about planning a gift or a surprise party.

But now, there are more important things to worry about.

"You can go first," Sunwoo gestures at you, nodding in encouragement.

It doesn't make you any more encouraged, but you take a deep breath and decide to take the plunge anyway. This is something you have to do. "Sunwoo, do you think the three of us will be friends forever?"

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"Don't know." Your gaze is trained on his and your shrug is nonchalant, just as you practiced, but every second that goes by makes your stomach twist uncomfortably. Would it be too late to back out of this? "Just wondering."

He searches your face for a second. "Is this about Eric?"

"What?"

"You wouldn't be bringing it up now if it's not about him," he shrugs, though he's no longer meeting your eyes.

It's not about Eric. Not really, anyway; out of the three of you, Eric was the person that this concerned the least. Yet, he's not wrong either because that's exactly what you wanted to talk to him about.

"You like him, don't you?" he says when you don't respond.

"I—what?"

"Y/N, were you worried about how I would react to it?" At the way your jaw drops, Sunwoo has the audacity to laugh, though it quickly dies down and he drops his voice. "It's a good thing that it's Eric. I don't know if I'd trust anyone else to not break your heart."

This is not what you expected at all. You'd practiced and prepared to say these words to him, and now you're hearing him spit them right back at you.

And perhaps there is some truth in his words, but Eric wouldn't be breaking your heart anytime soon. Neither would anyone else when it's already broken. Shattered. "Yeah," you mutter, trying to stop your lips from falling into a frown.

Sunwoo takes your hands, holding them in his lap as he smiles at you reassuringly. It would be a touching moment and if it were the reality of a world where you did like Eric, you'd be more than happy. But all you can do now is force a smile on your face and ignore the queasy feeling in your stomach. You ignore the small fluttering in your chest that you now know is not your heart, but rather the small sprout that's been tickling you with every breath for the past week.

"Right, what did you want to tell me?" you ask, swinging your linked hands a little to shake him out of the reverie he seems to have slipped into.

He simply shakes his head, giving you a smile. "Never mind. It's nothing."

Sunwoo is perceptive—he's the first to notice your fake crush on Eric. But unfortunately, this time he's not quite perceptive enough.

The disease isn't exactly a secret, though there's only been one time you'd personally seen it happen to someone. Chanhee, a guy in your major, had been assigned to work on a group project with you and two other classmates back in second year. The four of you had been sprawled across Younghoon's living room one afternoon researching potential topics for the project, with you complaining every few minutes and Changmin blasting nothing but girl group songs while he was in charge of the playlist. But if you thought that was what made Chanhee leave the room, you were wrong.

You hadn't intentionally checked up on him, nor were you curious about where he had gone. It was something as simple as walking by the bathroom on your way to grab the flash drive from Younghoon's room when you heard coughing. It hadn't been a soft sound either—it quite sounded like Chanhee was hacking up his lungs.

And through the gap he left in the door, you were able to see the petals. Soft, white petals were scattered across the floor, large enough in size that you thought they were plucked straight from a potted plant. An orchid, perhaps, or a lily; you weren't familiar with flower types at the time and didn't know what the petals meant at all. That had been your first and only experience directly witnessing the effects of the disease.

"Chanhee? Are you okay?"

He'd barely looked at you, too preoccupied with the petal in his own hand. He held it up to the light, seemingly studying it as if it were something foreign. And maybe it was—looking back, that must've been the first time he'd coughed up those petals.

"Can—can I help?" you continued stubbornly when he didn't reply. "Is there anything I can do?"

Chanhee shook his head. "No—" Then he paused. "Actually, yes. You can help by not telling anyone about what you saw today."

It was amazing how intimidating he could still look during a vulnerable moment like that, so you'd nodded, quickly leaving to get him some water which he took from you with a blank stare. After that day, he pretended not to know you. It was only your persistence in befriending him that finally allowed him to open up about what was going on.

And although you learned about the disease and supported him throughout it, it never occurred to you that the same thing could happen to you.

"Eric, it worked," you say as soon as you get home and finally drop yourself onto your couch. "I was so sure that he would suspect something, but you know what? He was the one who asked me if I liked you."

"Seriously?" Eric glances at you from above his laptop screen, raising a brow. "I thought we weren't convincing these past few times. Damn, I wish I could call him stupid."

You heave a sigh. "He is stupid though."

Sunwoo is stupid for not knowing, for not having an inkling of a clue about everything that's going on. He's stupid for having no idea that your crush on Eric and your soon-to-be relationship with him aren't real.

And there's no way you could tell him.

Even the thought of him causes an itch in your throat that turns into a cough. Though it's bearable, feeling like a lingering cough from a cold—it hasn't been too long since the start of all this after all. You quickly throw an arm over your mouth to cover it, and when the coughing dies down, there are exactly three small petals sticking to your sleeve. Cherry blossom petals.

"Hey, you okay?" Eric reaches over and plucks one of them off your sleeve, and then holds it up to his face curiously just as you had a few days ago when they started appearing. You'd examined it and pondered in your mind about how such a thing could come from your body because the very thought of that happening was already strange. But even stranger than the science behind growing a plant in your lungs would be the cause of it—unrequited love.

"I'm okay," you mutter, grabbing the petal back from him. As pretty as the flowers may be, the thought of them still make you conflicted. It's embarrassing to know where they come from and why they exist.

Eric snaps out of whatever trance he was in a minute ago. "I still think it's weird. It's obvious he feels something for you," he says stubbornly, crossing his arms. "Can't you see it?"

"Tell that to these stupid flowers." You take the few petals out of your pocket where you'd collected them from earlier in the day and hold them in front of his face. "The answer's right here, Eric. That's what's obvious."

He opens his mouth as if to retort but closes it again and lets the silence settle between you instead. It's a little surprising that he doesn't have anything to say considering he usually shares his thoughts in real time. But this time, it's obvious that he holds back. Perhaps this would simply be one of the changes that your friendship would suffer as a consequence of your situation.

"Y/N," he finally says, the hesitance written all over his face, "are you sure you want to do this?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know I'll help you no matter what, right? But do you think this is the right thing to do?"

"I talked to Chanhee the other day," you say slowly, watching as he glances at you with alarm at the mention of Chanhee's name. You don't blame him though; there have been rumours about the guy that aren't exactly nice, and they all started from the flowers.

"Chanhee?"

"Yeah. I—I think I'll get it removed just like he did." You avert your eyes from Eric's face. This is yet another lie that you'd have to work on telling. "So we just have to go with the plan until then. It'll be fine; I'll even let you think of a dramatic way to break up with me."

"Yeah?" he nods, the grin immediately forming after hearing the last part of what you said. "Okay. If you're sure."

You try to put on a smile too, but there's more than a tinge of guilt in your heart. Eric must think that talking to Chanhee helped you come to a good conclusion, a logical one where you'd simply get the flowers removed and continue living your life as it is. But what he doesn't know is that seeing Chanhee's deadpan stare and hearing the flatness of his voice are the very things that convinced you to make the opposite decision. Having to live a life without feeling the pain that came with unrequited love may sound like a blessing, but to you, it was also a curse that would get rid of a chance at happiness too.

So while Sunwoo may not know the truth, Eric doesn't know the full truth either: you aren't planning on getting these flowers removed at all.

"Thanks, Eric." You turn back to him and finally force a smile on your face. There would be time to worry about that later, but first you need to make sure that Sunwoo believes your relationship with Eric is real.

A few days later is when you put the plan into action.

It's a coincidence, really, that you're with Eric when the two of you see Sunwoo walking by. Your plan was to start at the next study session together, but the opportunity arises in the parking lot on campus after class one day.

"Wait, is that him over there?" Eric pauses just before opening your door for you, tilting his head at someone walking down the path.

It's unmistakable—the figure is getting closer with each step, and you'd recognize Sunwoo's familiar strides anywhere. "Yup, that's him."

"Should we..." He trails off, gesturing vaguely in the air. "You know."

An idea pops into your mind. "Quick, come here."

Maybe this would be strange and awkward and would ruin your friendship in any other context, but this fake relationship needs to be as convincing as possible so that Sunwoo doesn't ever get the idea that your flower situation is because of him.

And so you take Eric's face between your palms, feeling the warmth of his cheeks and the softness of his skin. It may not be anything new, but it makes you briefly wonder what Sunwoo would feel like between your fingers now, whether his newly permed hair would still be as soft as before. How your heart and the tiny flowers around it would react.

Eric is angled so that the two of you would be visible to Sunwoo when he walks by, arms caging you on either side against the car. As you bring him in, you squeeze your eyes shut and anticipate the feel of his lips against yours. They're soft and warm like what you expected, and they fit well as they slip between yours. You feel him bring an arm behind your waist, pulling you closer until you're pressed against him.

It's not bad—it's a nice kiss in every sense. Maybe in a different context it would even be good, or maybe kissing your best friend should be awkward. But right now, it's something you don't have the luxury to worry about.

Soon he pulls back, and you notice a hollowness in your chest that's quite startling. The stillness there feels as if the flowers don't know how to react to his touch at all—as if they're not blooming, not fluttering, but just pausing in confusion for the fraction of a moment.

Which only means the solution isn't to make yourself fall for someone else, you think bitterly.

In the minutes that go by, there's no sign of Sunwoo unlike what you'd expected. You thought he'd come by and jokingly interrupt the two of you and maybe invite himself to your dinner plans—seeing the confusion on Eric's face, it's obvious he thought the same. It's only after you turn to look in Sunwoo's direction that you see his figure getting smaller in the distance. Perhaps he simply didn't look your way or didn't realize who it was, or maybe he was too occupied with carrying the books in his hands.

But as you stare at his disappearing figure, there's a slight slouch of his shoulders and an increase in the speed of his steps compared to earlier. Signs that he clearly saw the two of you but chose to walk away.

It means you're not the only one avoiding him—he's avoiding you too.

Sunwoo opens the door before you get the chance to knock, leaving your fist hanging in the air in front of you.

"Hey," he greets, opening the door wider and stepping back to let you into the space of his narrow apartment hallway. The place looks the same as always, and you can even smell the remnants of pizza lingering in the air—something that reminded you all too much of the game nights here that you've begun to miss with Sunwoo avoiding you and Eric as of late.

But even though not a hair looks out of place, there's a feeling you can't shake off that everything is different. Perhaps it's the lack of smile on Sunwoo's face this time, or the absence of the brightness that he typically radiates every time he sees you. He looks tired, and in a way it's almost like looking at your own face in the mirror. Tired, pale, hollow.

"I, um, have a dinner date with Eric in a bit so I can't stay too long," you say, following him when he leads the way to his room. It only confirms what you sensed from his text—this will be about something serious if he doesn't want Eric accidentally walking in on your conversation when he gets back from class. "Sorry. Maybe we can hang out properly another time? Just the two of us?"

"Yeah, of course." He briefly looks disappointed, and your small mound of guilt for creating this plan piles up a little more.

You close the door behind you and then opt to lean against it, unsure of where you should be standing or sitting when things are no longer the same as before. His room may be small, but it makes the distance between the two of you stretch to infinite bounds.

"How have you been?" he starts, eyes focused somewhere near your head but not quite on you. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You look tired." There's worry in his eyes now, despite the way you tried to keep your voice as level as possible. "Are you stressed? Is your... relationship taking a toll on you?"

"It's just midterm season." You give a casual shrug, trying to change the subject as quickly as you can. It's strange for you to be talking to him about your supposed relationship with Eric and seeing his reaction, it is for him as well. There's a tension in the room that can't be explained but you assume it's simply attributed to the sudden change in your friendship dynamics. "Anyway, I haven't seen you in a while."

Sunwoo looks away.

"Well, actually," you say carefully, finally deciding to put your theory to the test. "I think I saw you last week. Like, by the parking lot? You looked like you were walking home from campus."

His gaze snaps to yours. "Oh yeah? When was that?"

"After class one of those days," you lean back a little more and pretend to pull some balls of fluff off your shirt, maintaining a nonchalant stance. "I was going to say hi and ask if you wanted to grab dinner together, but you walked by really quickly."

"Oh." And there it is—his eyes flicker away from you, an uncomfortable expression settling on his face that only proves your theory to be correct. "You seemed busy."

"Busy? With Eric? Sunwoo, you know that we miss you—"

"Y/N, I lied." He looks right at you before slumping to the ground at the foot of his bed. Running a hand through his hair, and then heaving a sigh. "I'm sorry but I lied when I said I was fine with it. You and Eric... I want to be happy for you. I really do."

"But?"

A bitter chuckle. "But that's clearly not working out."

Crossing the room, you slowly lower yourself as well until you're seated beside him like you've done so many times before. Leaning in just the slightest so that your head rests against his shoulder and hating how even the most minimal contact gets such a big reaction from the stupid flowers. "Talk to me, Sunwoo. Don't keep it to yourself."

He stays silent for a while, so still that only the rise and fall of his chest was any indication that you're leaning on a living person. And when he finally speaks, it's quiet. Barely a whisper. "It just feels like I'm losing you—both of you."

You immediately know what he's talking about because that's exactly what you'd feared would happen to Eric if Sunwoo, for whatever reason, returned your feelings. After all, it'd always been the three of you sticking together since you met in middle school. There's no doubt that feelings would make things messy, and right when you caught your heart fluttering at Sunwoo's smile as he walked you home one night in first year, you knew that nothing about your friendship would be the same ever again.

Now, as he wraps an arm around your shoulders, you wonder if this is exactly what your past self would've wanted: to make Sunwoo jealous and see if there's any ounce of hope that he would be able to return your feelings. But that no longer matters. The itch at the back of your throat and the pressure residing in your chest make it clear there's nothing left to prove, and now it's just a matter of making sure he never finds out the truth.

"It's so selfish to say this but I don't want to be reduced to a—a third wheel to you. But I also don't want you to feel obligated to spend time with me if you'd rather just be with him." Sunwoo looks over, briefly meeting your eyes before he's dropping his gaze again. Another sigh slips out of his mouth. "Sometimes I think about what things were like before. Y/N, I don't want it to be awkward between us."

"That's not selfish of you. I'll always be here, okay?" The lies, along with your pile of guilt, grow a bit larger. "Even if things don't work out with Eric."

"Yeah? Okay." The corners of his lips curve up, but his eyes seem to stay in an unreadable, neutral expression.

Then he mumbles an excuse about quickly sending off that assignment due today before heading to the living room, leaving you alone. The silence is nice, giving you a chance to calm down your racing heart and replay what just happened. Was Sunwoo's jealousy over not being able to spend time with his two best friends the reason for the tension whenever your relationship with Eric comes up in conversation? You wish that could be the worst of the issues within your friendship, but unfortunately, that seems like the tip of the iceberg.

When he continues typing away on his laptop in the other room, you let your eyes roam over the details of the walls around you. It's nowhere as cluttered as the bedroom of his childhood home, though there are a few touches that make it more personalized than the standard dorm room.

On the bulletin board hanging near his desk, he has some polaroid photos of the three of you. You easily recognize where they're from: a Halloween event back in first year where the three of you dressed up in lab coats, pretending to be scientists as if you didn't have to dress in those for your weekly labs. There are a couple of shots at different restaurants when Sunwoo had brought his camera, claiming to capture all your funny antics—clearly the way you and Eric drank with arms linked was one of them. But the last one on the board is your favourite: a photo of you and Sunwoo dressed in fancy prom attire, his arm slung around you, both of you smiling brightly at the camera. It must be the only photo he brought from home, seeing as it's from your high school days.

Just below the board, on his desk, there's a glint that catches your eye. It's a small jewelry box, a little bigger than one that would fit a ring, made with a navy velvet material with gold writing of the brand at the top. And you know that it would be rude to take a look but sometimes it's hard to care about trivial things when your days are numbered. So you reach for it and—

"Hey," Sunwoo's voice interrupts and you try your best not to jump back in surprise. You were so caught up in your curiosity that you hadn't heard his footsteps at all.

"Hey. You submitted your assignment?" When he nods, you decide to directly ask him about what was on your mind. "What's this?"

"Oh—it's um." There's a frown on his face when he comes over to take the box from the desk. He fiddles with it in his hand, body turned in a way so that the box is just outside your view and you're not sure if that's on purpose. If it's something he doesn't want you to see. "Just a necklace I got for my sister."

"Right, her birthday's coming up, isn't it? That's so sweet." It totally slipped your mind. Of course it has to be for his sister. Maybe even for a crush. Either way, it doesn't make sense for you to be holding onto that piece of hope in your heart.

When he opens the box, it's a pretty necklace with a small flower pendant—coincidentally, one that looks like the very flower that you've recently come to be very familiar with. It twinkles so beautifully in the light that it nearly makes you forget the dread that flowers bring you.

And when you see Sunwoo's eyes soften and his smile grow fond, in that moment, you nearly tell him everything. Between the cracks of the walls he always puts up, you can see it—the way it hurts him that you're avoiding him and spending all your time with Eric. The way he knows he's losing both of his best friends but has no choice to be happy for the two of you.

But wouldn't it hurt more if he ever finds out the real reason behind all of this, especially when it's connected to him? Thinking about the guilt he'd have to carry makes you hold back your words once again.

Sunwoo sets down the box and turns to you, but the moment has passed and he has his guards up again. "Have fun on your date tonight, okay?"

"I will," you lie, attempting at plastering on a smile. You go to step around him, thinking that you could wait in the living room for Eric; it shouldn't be too long until he's on his way back.

But maybe it's the sad smile Sunwoo wears or maybe it's the influence of the flowers, for you find yourself stepping forward towards him, chasing the warmth of his touch the way the tiny flowers inside you chase his sunshine. Then you're wrapping your arms around him, burying yourself into the fabric of his hoodie like that's where you belong. And maybe it is where you belong if the disappearance of your chest pains is any indication.

His arms automatically wrap around your waist and the warmth of his embrace is enough for you to pretend just for a minute. That he's not him, you're not you, and none of this is really happening.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" he whispers an eternity later, as if not wanting to break the moment either. But maybe he hears your tears softly pattering against him or the light rattle in your breaths. Maybe he already knows everything there is to know and maybe it's killing him inside just like it's killing you.

"I just—miss you," you admit. A small truth underneath your mountain of lies.

"Hey, if this is because I was avoiding you, then I promise I won't do it again, okay?" He tightens his arms slightly. "We can go back to being the three of us."

But it's short-lived for soon you hear the front door closing loudly, and equally loud footsteps walking around. Eric—the person you're supposed to be dating—is back and here you are in the arms of his housemate. You quickly untangle yourself, ignoring the pressure that immediately reappears in your chest that seems to protest your leave.

Sunwoo lifts a hand as if going to wipe your tears, but you don't wait around to see whether he would just pull back like you expect him to.

"I'll see you soon." Another lie as you go to grab your bag and head out to meet your fake boyfriend. Sunwoo doesn't follow you out.

What you thought was a lie actually turns out to be the truth—you do see Sunwoo very soon. A few days later, it's as if nothing had ever changed between the three of you. Sunwoo holds his promise and makes an effort to hang out with you and Eric instead of shying away from it.

So study sessions at the library are spent with Eric draped across your arm, napping on the table while you look up from your laptop and exchange amused glances with Sunwoo across from you. Game nights are back at their place and has you complaining about how they gang up on your poor character, though Eric sometimes helps you out and you're pretty sure it's not just about being a good fake boyfriend.

Eric also asks a few times if you're comfortable with Sunwoo being around so often, and you give him the excuse of wanting normalcy before the surgery. It's not completely an excuse when most of it is the truth—you do want to live life normally. Besides, you're sure he's glad the two of you won't need to execute the PDA part of your plan right in front of Sunwoo.

You also know it would be difficult to hide the petals, but Eric surprisingly does a good job of covering for you. It seems to work for the time being, however, you know that Sunwoo is perceptive. The longer he's around you the harder it'll be to maintain this façade, and the more cracks there will be between the mask that you're trying so hard to keep up.

But what surprises you is that it becomes easier to breathe when Sunwoo is around: your coughs decrease in severity, there are fewer petals, and there's less pain. It gets to the point where you start wondering how long this would last for. What if simply being around Sunwoo—even if it's purely platonic and even if he will never return your feelings—is enough to stop these flowers from blooming forever? What if this could pause their growth and let you live a life still full of emotions? What if this was the solution?

Though you have a feeling it's too good to be true.

The next weekend has you at a party with Eric. Heavy bass from the music playing at alarming decibels seems to reverberate through your body as you make your way through the crowd, one hand in his and another grabbing onto the first drink in sight. Being the social butterfly he is, he stops by to talk to each friend he sees, and it's just about as awkward as you imagined. Maybe even more, when they look at the two of you with that knowing smile and the twinkle in their eyes.

By the time you make your way to the living room, you find Sunwoo already part of a circle in the corner with some friends you recognized from the occasional lunch together. He waves you over when he catches your eye, shifting back to make room for the two of you.

"Didn't think you guys were coming," he muses, lifting his cup to touch it to your own before downing the rest of what's in it. "Thought you'd have better things to do."

You shrug, lifting your own cup to your lips and relishing in the burn that trails down your throat instead of giving him an answer. Not because of the implication in his tone of voice, but rather the fact that you can't possibly explain your real reasoning for coming here. Thank goodness Eric hadn't questioned your intentions, though you had a feeling that he knew all too well.

"What are they playing?" You nod over at where the rest of the circle is closely huddled together.

Sunwoo eyes you warily for a second before dropping his gaze. "Truth or dare or something. You want to join? They're doing spin the bottle next."

"Yeah, sure." You give him another nonchalant shrug when he turns back to search your face. Sunwoo may be perceptive, and you may be attending a house party despite hating the idea of them before, but surely this can't be as suspicious as his expression makes it seem, right? This calls for another drink. "Eric, you want a drink?" you ask, though you're already up and across the room before he can respond.

Chanhee is in the kitchen when you go to pour the remaining of the vodka into your cup. And with him is Younghoon, the very guy to cause the white petals to fall from his mouth once upon a time. They're talking animatedly—Younghoon throwing his head back as he laughs at something Chanhee says, and Chanhee leaning against the counter with his arms crossed and his signature unamused look on his face.

"Oh, hey, Y/N," Younghoon greets, immediately reeling in his laughter from before. "Surprised to see you here."

"Yeah, um. You're not the first to say that." You laugh a little, sounding awkward even to your own ears. "Needed a change of scenery." The vodka bottle empties without even filling much of your cup and has you reaching for a cooler to make up for the remainder. There's not much of the non-alcoholic selection either from what you can see, but Eric will have to deal with whatever's left of the inventory.

Chanhee remains silent, simply glancing you up and down.

It's strange now that you look closely at him. From the outside, you'd assume that he was the same person as before—a master of sarcasm and a permanent scowl on his face as if judging your life decisions. How Younghoon managed to make him fall in love is a mystery to you, and even more a mystery is how he's coping with the effects of the surgery so well, like nothing ever changed.

Younghoon seems to notice his stare. "I'll head back to the others first? Find you later, Chanhee."

Once he's out of the vicinity, Chanhee finally turns to you. "A change of scenery," he chuckles, though his voice remains flat. "It's not much of a change when the petals follow you everywhere."

"How do you feel talking to Younghoon?" you blurt, not even realizing what you've said until he cocks his head in amusement. Perhaps the drink you downed all too quickly was finally taking effect.

"How do you feel talking to me?"

That's not what you were expecting. "Um, you're cool? I guess?"

He smiles a little and fiddles with the drink in his hand. "I'm just playing with you. That's really what it's like though; talking to him and being with him. It feels like being with anyone else."

"But—but it seemed like you guys were getting along pretty nicely." You frown at him when he simply shrugs.

"Yeah," Chanhee takes a long sip of his drink, and it were anyone else, you would've interpreted that as trying to drown out feelings with alcohol. But you know better. "He confessed his feelings to me last week."

"What?"

A nod.

"Are you serious?" It must be the drink you had. There's no way you're hearing things correctly—

"Yeah," Chanhee scoffs. "It's a bit too late for that. I know I should feel bad, but I really don't."

"Does he... know?"

He shakes his head, immediately knowing what you're referring to. "There's no need for him to know. My feelings are my own responsibility; why should they have anything to do with him?"

"Right." You mentally note that down, unsure of how well you'll remember it after the night is over though it only reaffirms your plan not to tell Sunwoo about any of this. Chanhee's right and it makes too much sense even to your inebriated brain.

But more importantly, what he said about Younghoon confessing sticks around in your mind. How is it that Younghoon only developed feelings for him after the whole flower ordeal? And now that Chanhee's gotten the surgery, he would never be able to return those feelings. It might not hurt him anymore, but your heart aches just thinking about what could have been. They could've been so happy together. They could've loved each other. Instead, now all they have is a broken relationship filled with lost time and opportunity. How could their fate turn out to be doomed like this?

"Y/N, you know it'll only get worse?" The look in Chanhee's narrowed eyes pins you to your spot. "Being around him and pretending like it's sufficient to stop it from progressing."

"Does it not? But I feel better than I have in days—"

"Y/N." He steps closer, setting down his cup on the counter so hard that you can feel a drop of his drink splash onto your arm. "You should stay away from him. It'll feel better for a while, and it'll give you hope. But that won't last; it'll get much worse very soon."

You chance a glance into his eyes and what you find there is confusing. It's almost as if he does have some feelings—enough to watch out for you anyway. Could it be that the surgery doesn't take away all emotions? "Um, yeah. Okay." A nod for emphasis.

But whatever you found in his eyes quickly disappears and his face settles back into its signature displeased look. Then Chanhee gives you a sharp nod before he's picking up his drink again and heading off in the direction Younghoon went in.

The alcohol pumping through your veins makes the encounter fade instantly, and soon, you're joining the circle in the living room once again. Eric thanks you for the drink and then starts the game.

It doesn't even occur to you how this stupid game should've stayed in middle school and not followed you all the way to college. With the bouts of laughter following each round and each funny reaction from the participants getting picked by the bottle, you just about manage to forget why this might be a bad idea. Coming to the party, hearing Chanhee's words, being near Sunwoo.

Well, until the bottle lands on Sunwoo anyway. He's the first person it lands on this round and the crowd reacts, cheering him on and whispering about who they hope the bottle lands on next. Some are looking at him in anticipation; nothing surprising when he's attractive and decently popular amongst the people in his major. Perhaps they'd be praying to the OTP gods to have the bottle land on them. Meanwhile, you're praying it doesn't land on you. You send the bottle your brain waves and you shift in your spot slightly in the hopes that something happens to it—anything, really, as long as it doesn't land on you.

At first it seems to work. The bottle slows down, nearing the end of the spin and appears to stop on Eric. There's laughter on the tip of your tongue and fear in Eric's eyes just at the thought of having to kiss Sunwoo.

And then the bottle rotates just the slightest bit past Eric, landing on you. It's not directly pointing at you, but anyone would be able to tell that it's closer to you than it is to Eric. The laughter dies in your throat.

Eric shoots you a worried look, though there's also obvious relief in his eyes. "Y/N, you don't have to do it. You can back out." There are some coos around the circle, eyes peeling at the concerned boyfriend's reaction to you having to kiss someone else.

But you can feel the way your heart speeds up, the way there's a stirring in your chest that's edging you on. It's something you wanted, after all. Kim Sunwoo—he's what you wanted. "It's fine," slips out of your mouth quietly before you're making your way to where Sunwoo's seated, all the eyes in the room trained on your every step. His included.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks, lips pressed together as if holding back a smile. Why he would be amused at this, you're not sure, but you brush off the thought and give him a firm nod. The full smile appears now. "Okay," he murmurs, inching closer.

When you're looking at him, it's like the rest of the room disappears. A stillness settles, and whether that's from the audience waiting with bated breath, or whether it's the gradual decreasing of the pressure in your chest, you can't tell. But you don't need to. In the next moment, Sunwoo has a hand around your waist and another cupping your cheek. Leaning in until you're shutting your eyes and the tiny smile is the last thing you see before his soft lips finally reach yours.

You knew it would be different from kissing Eric but aren't prepared for just how different it would be. The sharp taste the alcohol on his breath can't hide how soft his lips are, how warm his mouth is. It has your heart thudding ceaselessly as everything else melts away until you can no longer remember why kissing him was supposed to be a bad idea. No, it couldn't have ever been a bad idea. The way he tilts his head to deepen the kiss and the way he pulls you closer tell you that this is exactly where you belong, like he's breathing the air you needed right into your lungs. And then there's the tingling in your chest as if the flowers are reacting to his every touch; they lean into it, they crave it, and the pain disappears when they're satisfied.

It's like the room doesn't know how to react afterwards. You know how it must look—you're dating Eric, but you're here kissing your other best friend. His other best friend. And maybe it was entertaining for the audience, or it looked like a realistic kiss, but there's an awkward energy lingering in the room as people refrain from commenting or cheering.

Eric, for one, is speechless. His mouth hangs open the slightest, perhaps more of a shock at how different you are when kissing the person you're in love with versus kissing him the few times you'd done it just for show. There's a glazed-over look in his eyes like he's coming to a few realizations, ones that completely make him forget that he should be jealous, angry even, in this situation. You hope that people would simply assume he's in too much shock to react.

Sunwoo says something, hand still resting against your wrist. But you don't hear it over the itch at the back of your throat that's been increasing by the second. You can't speak and you can't possibly respond or risk opening your mouth now for there will only be a pile of petals coming out, and no matter how much you try to swallow it down, the pressure only increases.

So you run. You pick yourself up off the ground and get out of the room, making a dash for the nearest bathroom. Hand over your mouth like you're just another one of the guests who've had too much to drink.

Once in the bathroom, you only have half the mind to turn on the faucet and let the sound of the running water drown out the cough that wracks through your entire body. You cough and you heave, and the pressure in your lungs continue to squeeze you until you're doubling over in effort first by the sink and then by the toilet. It's worse this time—that much is obvious even without seeing the bunches of petals that fall into the toilet. They're soft against your tongue and where they stick to your mouth and lips, and they seem to paint the bathroom in different shades of pink where they land.

You almost want to laugh at the situation—the only times you'd seen such a trail of beautiful petals on the floor like this was in movies, always as a set up for a romantic night. Perhaps a path of petals, trailing into the bedroom. And here, in this small bathroom, you're surrounded by the prettiest cherry blossom petals as a reminder of the very lack of romance in your life.

"Hey, Y/N," Eric's voice comes softly from just outside the door, followed by a couple of knocks. "You okay in there?"

"Yeah—" Another cough. Eternity seems to pass before they subside and let you come back up for air. "I'll be fine."

"You don't sound fine. Can I get you some water—"

"Eric, please. Go before he suspects something."

You can sense the hesitation in his steps as he lingers just outside the door for a while longer, but eventually he mutters an 'okay' before he leaves.

It calms down a while later. You catch your breath, sucking in the air between the rattling of your lungs and pushing it out in slow motions to try not to break into coughs again. When you finally flush the toilet and turn off the tap, you can hear the music and chatter floating over again. Luckily, there's no one waiting outside; you still have to deal with the scattered petals across the floor.

Footsteps approach the bathroom again as you're trying to sweep up the petals with your hands, but this time the door creaks open. Great, you'd forgotten to lock it. At least you weren't using the bathroom for its intended purpose, though at this rate, you aren't sure if being on the floor with the petals surrounding you is any better.

"Eric, I told you I'm fine. You should go make sure he doesn't suspect anything," you mutter, your gaze not leaving the handful of petals you carefully throw into the toilet. You're nearly done cleaning and the floor only has about half the amount it started with.

But there's no response. Your stomach drops at the realization.

Because when you look up, it's not Eric standing there at all. It's Sunwoo. Sunwoo with his eyes widened, mouth slightly parted, jaw slack. Sunwoo, whose gaze trails over the tiny pink petals that cover the floor, then to where you're sitting with a handful of them in your palm, and then to the open toilet where they float.

Sunwoo, whom you ran away from the second after you shared a kiss with him.

"I—I thought you ran out because of the kiss." He slowly blinks a few times as if he can't believe what he's seeing. Though underneath the layers of shock, there's hurt. Jealousy. Worry. And while it pains you to see him like this, you're just so tired of having to hide it or explain it or deal with this stupid flower situation at all. Maybe coming here was a bad idea and pretending like everything was fine was a bad idea.

Maybe loving Sunwoo was a bad idea.

"Y/N." Hands are on your wrists, stopping you from where you're still trying to grab at the little flower pieces. "Hey, look at me." Sunwoo gets down beside you, face mere inches away from yours. Forcing you to look at him. "What happened? What is all this—Y/N, why didn't you tell me about this?"

You have no response to his questions. How can you possibly tell him that all of this was because of him? Because of your inability to handle your feelings for a friend? Even without the thought of the flowers making their home in your body, there's the constant fear of ruining your friendship with him, and in turn, your friendship with Eric too.

Luckily, you don't get a chance to answer him, because Eric appears right behind him in the next moment.

"Y/N?" Eric's eyes widen when he sees what's going on. "It's late. Let's get you home." Thankfully, he catches the desperate expression you throw him and carefully steps around where Sunwoo's kneeling on the floor, reaching to help you stand. You give him a weak smile, feeling the relief seep through your body at the excuse for walking out of this difficult situation.

But it doesn't quite go as you expect.

Sunwoo stands, hand catching your elbow as you try to walk past him. "We're not done here. Y/N, Eric, what the fuck is going on?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Eric scoffs, voice dripping with a venom that you've never heard from him before. "Get out of here, Sunwoo."

Immediately, you can feel him stiffen next to you as if bristling with hostility. "No, not until you tell me what's going on." Sunwoo steps in front of you, eyes pleading with you. "Y/N, what is all this? Why are you—"

"That's enough." Eric shoves him lightly, though it sends him stumbling back. He steps in front of you, arms out like he's protecting you from him. "You won't get it, so just stay out of it."

"What did you say to me?" Sunwoo grabs at him, getting a handful of his collar. "You want me to stand here and watch while Y/N is—is dating someone who doesn't even love them?"

That final bit is what does it. It has Eric sending a fist into Sunwoo's jaw. "Shut the fuck up. You have no idea what you're talking about."

You hear a gasp, but it takes you a second to realize that it was from you. Everything after that is a blur.

Sunwoo retaliates, landing a few punches before Eric is pushing him back. Soon the commotion catches the attention of the other partygoers, and a crowd begins to form around the small hallway. You can almost hear the whispers in the audience. It'd be jealousy over the kiss—jealous boyfriend Eric trying to fight best friend Sunwoo over what looked like a much more passionate kiss than what should've been possible. That would be the logical way to go. No one would be able to wrap their head around the truth that's suddenly become so overly complicated.

Someone steps out of the crowd and grabs onto Eric at the first opportunity to hold him back. Sangyeon—at least that's what you think his name is—shoves Eric behind him and holds out his arms in front of Sunwoo, blocking him. If he's not afraid that Sunwoo would simply give him a punch of his own, he's right. Neither of your friends have been much of a fighter and this is the first time an altercation like this has happened.

So you do the same. You step in front of Sunwoo, hand on his chest. "Sunwoo, please. Stop."

He looks at you then, and it's like the fury or whatever it was clouding his eyes completely disappear. There's a new sense of clarity in them and he slowly drops his arms, clenched fists gradually loosening.

One final worried glance and then you're heading to Eric. You nod a quick thanks at Sangyeon before grabbing Eric's hand and leading the way through the crowd. But just when you think the worst is over, you make the mistake of looking behind you as the two of you walk out the door, and there Sunwoo stands glancing back at you with what looks like betrayal in his eyes. It's not great, but you'd rather have him feeling betrayed instead of guilty or helpless over what's happening to you.

There's silence in the car the entire drive home. Eric doesn't bother turning the radio on, though it's clear that neither of you would listen to it anyway. He's stuck in his head just as much as you are, and you can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. Whether he feels just as trapped in this situation or whether he really thinks things will go back to normal after the surgery you said you'd get.

"Hey, you okay?" He finally glances at you just after parking the car outside your apartment, neither of you making a move to get out.

You can't help the grin creeping onto your face. "Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"

He breaks into a smile too and it makes you forget everything else that happened tonight. The fact that he's still your best friend and that he's still by your side despite this whole situation is something worth smiling over.

"Ow—" The moment ends when his smile disappears. A fresh line of red appears between his split lip and the sight of it has you scrambling out of your seat then dragging him out of his.

A short elevator ride later, you seat Eric down on a chair in the kitchen and grab the first aid kit. But even when you're gently cleaning the cuts on his face, it's hard to not think about Sunwoo. How Sunwoo would be all alone in their shared apartment, how he probably wouldn't bother doing anything about his injuries at all. You can't help the pang in your heart at the thought of that despite how it sounds ridiculous that even when you're dying, all you can think about is helping him.

"Hey," Eric glances at you with hesitation in his eyes as you start with the ointment. "Do you think I can crash here? Not sure it's a good idea to be going back with Sunwoo around."

"Yeah, sure." Then you think twice about it. "But wouldn't he just get more pissed if you stay here?"

He only gives you a grin that's soon followed by a small wince when it pulls on his battered lip again. "That's the point. Kim Sunwoo is going to be so pissed when he figures out that I'm staying here."

The look on his face paired with his words suddenly seem so funny. Although the fight has sobered you up for the most part, the remnants of the adrenaline pumping through your veins gives you a different kind of high—one that has you setting the ointment down and bursting out laughing. Eric joins you until he's doubled over, head landing in your lap and probably ruining all you've done to fix his wounds.

But for a while, none of it matters. For a moment it's only your best friend and you, back in the room of your childhood home laughing at an inside joke that no one else could possibly understand. For a moment there are no worries about the future and no flower petals and nothing that may cause your friendship to be hanging on by a thread.

"Dude, that was so dumb," Eric lifts his head, wiping away the tears at the corner of his eyes. "It's funny now but maybe I shouldn't have punched him so hard."

You look him up and down. "Do you really think he ended off in worse shape than you?"

He gives you a frown before rolling his eyes. "Your bias is showing, Y/N." Then he waves you off when you shake your head a little too vehemently in response to that. "How can you be on his side even now?" It comes out clearly sarcastic like it's a joke, but you can't help but hear the truth lacing his words underneath all of it.

"No, I didn't mean—"

"It's okay," Eric gives you a weak smile and when he stays silent, you realize just how quiet the room has become without the sound of his laughter from just a minute ago. Fading until you can no longer remember what it sounded like. "I can see it, you know. I saw it. Y/N, I didn't believe it at first," he looks down, averting his eyes from where you're hovering to continue working on his wounds. "Well, I've never been very observant, so I didn't see it when you first told me."

You keep the cotton swab in your fingers light and steady as you finish up with the last cut on his cheek, not showing the shakiness you're starting to feel at his words.

"But I saw it back there. Not just how much you care about him, but how much he cares about you too. You felt it, didn't you?" Eric's eyes meet yours again. "What we all saw... that can't be faked, Y/N."

"I guess my acting was terrible the few times you and I kissed then." An attempt at trying to deflect the conversation as you step back to pack up the first aid kit. "Sorry about that."

But Eric shakes his head. "Y/N, forget about our kiss. That's nothing compared to what went down tonight." A bittersweet smile appears on his mouth and then he lowers his voice. "You love him. You're in love with him."

"Yeah," you finally bring yourself to admit, setting everything down just before he pulls you into a hug. "But it's not like that changes anything. I wish I could say that I hated tonight and that it made me hate him too."

"You don't mean that."

A sigh. "I don't."

There's a stillness in the room and one in your chest as well. It's nice being in his arms—calm, warm, and without the strong currents that threatens to pull you under every time Sunwoo is around.

Eric breaks the silence. "I shouldn't have said all those things to him."

"You shouldn't have fought him either."

"I shouldn't have." He sighs, burying his face into the crook of your neck. "I was just so angry at him—it's so easy to think that all of this was because of him. That it's his fault you're..." dying, you would've said, though it's not like he would know. "It's his fault you're hurting."

"It's not his fault. None of this is."

"I know but," he pulls back to look right at you, "should we tell him? Doesn't he deserve to know? He already saw what happened, Y/N. I don't see how we can keep holding it back from him."

"Yeah, I agree." You have to force yourself not to look away for this next part. "But it won't be long until the surgery. We can tell him after, yeah?"

Eric frowns, bottom lip between his teeth. "Okay," he mumbles, clearly hesitant, "if you're sure."

"Just don't mention that it was about him. He doesn't need to know that."

He nods.

You leave him to settle on the couch as you dig through your closet for the spare blankets and clothes that the two of them have left here on numerous occasions. A pair of sweats and a baggy hoodie is what you pick out, though you're not quite sure if they belong to Eric or Sunwoo; you suppose it wouldn't matter with the rate of which they share their clothes anyway.

"We'll talk in the morning, okay? I have a feeling Sunwoo will be showing up right after he gets rid of his hangover."

"Wait." Before you can turn to leave, there's a hand wrapping a hand around your wrist and pulling you down onto the couch next to him. "Y/N... what do you think will happen with us now?"

When you glance at him, there's worry on his face and something unreadable swimming in his eyes that you've never seen before. The Eric you know would never worry about anything, much less over a silly fight with his best friend. But this isn't quite the Eric you know, and you're no longer the you that once existed; everything from here on out is uncharted territory, and the thought of that makes your heart sink a little.

You try your best to put on a smile. "You'll make up with Sunwoo and things will go back to normal."

"You think so?" He searches your eyes, and you only hope that nothing he can find in them will betray you. Not now, not yet. "What about you?"

What he's asking is obvious—it's a question of your feelings for Sunwoo and whether you'd be able to overcome those, or it's about your lack of feelings after the supposed surgery. But all you can do is shrug a little, pressing your lips together to hide the way they quiver. "I'll be just fine."

Whatever joke you made about Sunwoo having a hangover is not so funny the next morning. You wake up to sunlight streaming through the window, so bright that it only aggravates your pounding headache and creates waves of nausea in your stomach. And while it's a nice change to be making a run to the bathroom for a more normal reason than to cough up petals, the sharps pains in your chest quickly make their presence known.

Eric looks just as bad from where he's sprawled across the length of the couch when you drag yourself up and head to the living room. His face is swollen, bruises darker and fully formed, and the way he squints at you must indicate that the same fatigue is affecting him too.

Yet to you, it was all worth it.

Initially, you hadn't wanted to go to the party—heck, the party scene has never been your interest and you'd always opt for an arcade adventure or a game night with your best friends instead. But along with the many changes to your life that the flowers had brought was a change in your mind too. Your real reasoning for going was that you knew it would be your last chance at having fun before things progressed too far. The kiss was just the cherry on top.

And even if the party went to shit, you have a headache that seems to split your skull in half, and the flower situation gets significantly worse, it was all worth it.

"Morning," Eric mumbles, face half covered by the pillow he uses to block the light.

It's well into the afternoon, but you don't tell him that. "Morning." You set a glass of water on the table in front of him and then head into the kitchen to figure out hangover foods.

Sunwoo doesn't show up as you'd expected he would, but it's for the best. The pressure in your chest makes it obvious that you should be avoiding him from now on because Chanhee was right. Everything he said last night was true and it was stupid that you briefly thought it wouldn't be true. Or you thought it just wouldn't happen to you.

But now, it's happening to you. Maybe it would've been fine if you were simply near Sunwoo at the party, but the instant he kissed you, you knew that something changed. And you also knew that you didn't have much time left.

The rest of the weekend goes by in the same way. Eric stays over, half afraid of the truth spewing out of his mouth once Sunwoo confronts him, and half afraid of ruining things with Sunwoo forever. You hate having the situation with Sunwoo weigh the both of you down like this, but there's no way you could let the truth get out. And so, Eric recycles the measly amount of clothes he has at your place, occasionally stealing a hoodie out of your own wardrobe too.

It's after he heads to class the next week when you hear a knock on the door.

"Did you forget something—" You stop when you realize that it isn't Eric turning around to grab his bag at all. Sunwoo is the one standing there, dark circles under his eyes and face hollowed as if he hasn't slept in days. Which, knowing him, is probably true. He'd be bothered by the events of the party endlessly.

"Hey," he says, voice neutral and expression unreadable.

"Hi. You want to come in?" You open the door a little wider though Sunwoo lingers hesitantly where he stands in the hallway, unsure of whether to accept your invitation. It isn't until you reach to pull him in when he finally moves and follows you over to the couch.

All your previous jokes with Eric about how funny a confrontation with Sunwoo would be disappear in an instant. It's no longer funny and you don't seem to recall why it had been in the first place.

"How are you?" he asks, still looking very much uncomfortable where he's now seated on your couch. "Are you okay?"

You nod.

"Look, I'm sorry for the other night," he runs a hand through his hair, eyes only briefly pausing on yours before fleeting away. "And for being an asshole in general. I didn't know what you were going through."

"It's okay. I didn't want to burden you with this."

"What? No, it's not a burden."

It gets quiet. Even the hum of the fridge abruptly stops, leaving you completely on your own.

"How long has it been?" Sunwoo asks, and though his face is half turned away, you can hear what his words seem to say: how long do you have left?

"A few weeks."

Silence.

"Does Eric know?"

A nod, then more silence. It feels a bit like an interrogation at this point, and you can't seem to shake off the strange feeling between the two of you.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, eyes still not meeting yours. You sigh a little, searching his face for any trace of a hint or an answer that his voice fails to give, but finding none of the jealousy or hurt that seemed to seep through his presence at the party.

The answer is obvious, of course: you didn't tell him because you don't want him to live with the guilt of knowing his lack of feelings for you is the cause of this. But instead, you settle on another one of the cards from your deck of lies. "It's kind of just between me and him."

"Is that why you guys started dating?" When you don't answer, he continues. "So the flowers are for him. And you've been trying to make him fall for you." The last bit comes out sounding like a statement, so you don't answer that either. It's like he's working through his own thoughts out loud, and even if they're far from the truth, you can't correct him.

Sunwoo looks like he has more to say or ask but is clearly tentative about how far he should push this, and so you let the silence linger uncomfortably. But the strange feeling builds and at this point you aren't quite sure if it's something that really exists or if it's another reaction of the flowers. You haven't seen him since the party and while you're hoping that his presence alleviates some of the pain, Chanhee's words echo in your mind like a siren. Warning you that being with him may only make things worse.

"I have something to tell you," Sunwoo starts slowly, breaking the silence. "This might be bad timing, but I just want to say it in case I might not get a chance to later."

You're too afraid to ask if he means that in the sense that he won't be seeing you much when you're supposedly dating Eric, or that you may no longer be around to hear it anymore. Either way, there's a foreboding feeling; perhaps this is what you've felt since the instant he stepped into your apartment.

He draws in a long breath. "Y/N, I like you. No—I love you. I have for a long time, and—fuck, I might actually be in love with you. But I guess none of it matters now." You think that's all he is going to say, but then he finally lifts his head to meet your gaze with a wry smile and continues. "Do you remember the day you told me you like Eric? I wanted to tell you that day. That's why I called you over."

"What? How? Why didn't you?" That's impossible; he has to be joking, though it's not a very funny joke. Especially when it hurts to breathe.

"If it were anyone else that you liked, I would've told you." His eyes soften, smile turning fond. It reminds you of the tiny glimpse of him you saw the other time in his room, and it looks so real that it your heart stutters. "But it was Eric, and I could never do that to him."

It hurts to speak so you don't. You keep quiet and let him fill in the silence.

"And ah—you found the necklace in my room," Sunwoo breaks off into an awkward chuckle and ducks his head just as you catch a glimpse of his reddening cheeks. "That was supposed to be for you. Anyway, I know you're dating Eric now, but I just—I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. Maybe it'll give you some comfort knowing you're not the only one in this whole one-sided love thing."

One-sided love. That's about all you catch when all your attention is directed to breathing. You have to focus on pushing the air into and out of your lungs between the branches or roots of the plant residing there when it's so difficult. It's not too different to what happened right after the kiss you shared with him at the party—your throat tightens, and your chest hurts and there's too much pressure all of a sudden. As if the strange tension was building up to this moment the entire time. You're aware that what Sunwoo's saying is something important and that you should hear the rest of it, but the urge to cough is uncontrollable.

The bathroom is still a few steps away when the coughs start and a shower of pink petals land on the floor, trailing after you. But even when you're hovered over the toilet, it's like the petals don't stop this time. They fall much like each spring breeze shakes the petals from a cherry blossom tree towards the end of the season, and they pile around you like they had at the party. They only make you realize Chanhee was right. Being around Sunwoo was making this much worse than you ever thought possible.

He's right outside the bathroom, and the worry is apparent in his steps and the quiet knocks on the door. "You okay?"

"Just—give me a second." You can barely hear yourself say it over the pain that blares across your body. If Sunwoo hears, he doesn't react, and you can't bring yourself to repeat it. It's hard to focus on anything at all when simply breathing is taking up all your energy.

"Y/N? What's wrong?" He opens the door and the concern on his face is the last thing you see before the world goes black.

There are voices nearby, you vaguely realize. Eric and Sunwoo's voices, though you've never heard them like this before.

"No, I—I couldn't have told you before," Eric says, and then sniffles slightly. "It wasn't my secret to tell. I'm sorry."

There's no doubt he's telling Sunwoo all about it. Hiding it might not be an option anymore, but you can only hope that Eric doesn't reveal the true cause of all of this.

The next time you wake up, it's to Sunwoo's face. He's seated on a chair beside you, hand on yours and body draped across the hospital bed. Eyes closed, seemingly fast asleep. Despite having spent nearly half your life being around him, it's become rare to see him so vulnerable—somewhere along the way, you'd begun to get the sense that he'd put up a sort of guard between him and the world. And that included you.

"Oh, you're awake," he mumbles, pulling his hand back to rub the sleep from his eyes. You hope that napping here was a chance to catch up on the rest he's been missing, but the tiredness written all over his face says otherwise. "Thank goodness."

"So are you."

He doesn't react to that. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay."

There's a pause and you belatedly realize how tense the atmosphere is. All the words that you wanted to say suddenly disappear from your mind, and seeing the way Sunwoo hesitates, perhaps the same is true for him.

"I told Eric to go home and get some sleep." He chuckles a little, almost bitterly. "Is it selfish of me to want to be here when you woke up? I just—I want to take up all your time even though I know Eric's the one you should be spending time with."

"Wait, what?"

"So that he might return your feelings." Sunwoo reaches for your hand and drops his gaze to where he intertwines his fingers with yours. "I'm sorry about what I said before. It doesn't matter if you're dating Eric or if he doesn't feel the same way about you yet. As long as you're okay... that's what's matters."

There's nothing to say to that. You look away, glancing at the ceiling instead. Counting the number of squares in between the grids of the fluorescent lights above head.

"You will be okay, right?" he prompts, squeezing your hand a little as he shifts closer. "Eric says you're getting the surgery soon and—"

"I lied."

It's the hope in his eyes. Lying to him and deceiving him has been difficult already for the past while, but it's seeing the way his eyes light up as he glances at you with such hope that finally stops you from perpetuating the lie. Many things would end soon, and maybe the lying should be one of them.

"What?"

"Sunwoo, I lied to him. To both of you." The wires and tubes around your free hand prevent you from wiping away the stray tear, but he takes care of it for you. "It was never Eric, and I'm not getting the surgery."

"What do you mean?"

"These flowers aren't for him; they never were." It takes you eternity to muster the courage to say your next words. Even in the face of death, it doesn't get any easier. "They're for you, Sunwoo. They were only ever for you. It was never Eric or anyone else."

Time seems to freeze the moment Sunwoo's jaw goes slack along with the hand that was holding yours. He lets go of you and sits back in his chair as if putting space between the two of you. And despite knowing this entire time that there's absolutely no way he'd reciprocate your feelings, —the stupid petals told you that much—there was still a tiny inkling of hope in your chest that things would be different.

Perhaps misery always starts with the delusion that things would be different for you.

Now, as he glances back at you with an unreadable expression, you can only resort to being grateful that you wouldn't have to see this expression on his face for much longer. It leaves you thinking it's good you never planned on getting the surgery; you don't know if you could stand coming back to a ruined friendship.

"Wait," Sunwoo says slowly. He has his bottom lip between his teeth, brows furrowed like he's deep in thought. "But Y/N, that doesn't make any sense."

"Why? You never thought I'd fall for you?"

"No, that's not what I mean." If you don't know any better, you'd say he sounds almost exasperated. Frustrated. You're afraid you'd see the shades of guilt on his face that you'd imagined whenever you thought about confessing to him, but of all the emotions that seem to flash across his face, guilt isn't one of them. Why would it make him frustrated to hear about your pathetic feelings for him that started all of this?

So you give him a weak smile. "It's okay, Sunwoo. You don't have to worry about—"

"No," he says firmly, leaning forward and taking your hand in his once again. "It doesn't make sense because I've loved you forever, Y/N. I—I just. How can this still happen?"

"I don't know how it can happen either—wait." Now it's your turn to pause in disbelief, replaying his words in your head to make sure you heard correctly. Surely, it must be the drugs in your system confusing your mind. "What did you just say?"

It sounds familiar, as if you've seen a glimpse of this scene from a dream before. Had it been real? Had he uttered these words before?

"Wait," you stop him just as he opens his mouth to explain, "that wasn't a dream?"

The memories start to come flooding back all at once: Sunwoo on the couch in your apartment, being interrupted by the petals, but most importantly what he'd confessed.

You hadn't had the time to process his words at the time, but now, your overactive mind has you second guessing them. That surely, they had to be fake. Was it sympathy for believing that Eric really didn't return your feelings? Because how could you possibly believe him when all the signs are pointing you in a different direction?

Sunwoo must see the conflicted emotions written on your face. "I'm not lying to you. You saw how I was avoiding the two of you at first," he smiles now, a small and sheepish smile spreading across his lips. "I really wanted to be happy for the two of you and thought that if my two best friends were happy, it'd be enough for me. I tried staying away until I could get a handle on my own feelings, but it only made me miss you." A pause, and then he rolls his eyes. "Well, him too."

"You didn't know it was fake? The whole crush-on-Eric thing."

The corners of his mouth form into a frown. "I didn't want to question your relationship. Besides, when I did see things that made me doubt it, I thought I was just seeing what I wanted to see. That maybe, somehow, you don't really like him that way."

"You're not joking."

"No, of course not." Sunwoo shakes his head. "Y/N... will you get the surgery? Please? We can work things out after it."

Now that you've heard what he has to say, everything is different. But you hadn't thought this far—in all the possible outcomes that you'd imagined, there was never one in which Sunwoo would return your feelings. Because how could he? The very reason for these flowers to be harbouring in your lungs stems from the fact that your feelings are unrequited.

But if Sunwoo's telling the truth, and it seems like he is, then why has this disease taken over your body in the first place? And how can you possibly remove the flowers now, knowing that he loves you? That you'd be coming back as an empty shell of a person, incapable of giving him the type of love he deserves. You'd seen the way Chanhee talked about Younghoon, and how he's now lost the opportunity to have something he'd always wanted. For all the suffering you'd done silently, believing your feelings to be unrequited, you don't want to put Sunwoo through even more of that.

Especially when happiness is so close you can almost taste it.

You sigh. "I can't." When he starts to protest, you continue. "Sunwoo, it's for the best. If I get the surgery, I wouldn't be able to return your feelings. I wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore, and it just—" Another tear slips out but this time he doesn't go to brush it away. "I can't live like that. Especially knowing that we could've had everything. We have everything right now, Sunwoo. If we get out of here right now, we'd still have some time together. Can't this be enough?"

"But—but if you get it, you'd still be here. You'd still be our friend."

"I wouldn't be me, though."

Sunwoo shakes his head. "No, there has to be a way. Don't give up on this, not when we're so close."

His determination is easy to get lost in, and for a second you think that everything will be okay. It's the same feeling as when you were with him before—thinking and believing that his presence will be sufficient to stop the disease from progressing. Something you now know is false with the sharp reminder with each effortful inhale and exhale.

But Sunwoo doesn't know all that. He glances at you with a small sparkle of hope back in his eyes, bright enough that it almost disguises the fear and the sadness underneath. "Y/N," he's tentative, eyes averted from yours, "can I try something?"

"What do you mean? What is there to try?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Already, the mention of a kiss has you thinking back to the one at the party. How it had felt, how it had been worth it despite the progression of the coughing and the pain in your chest afterwards. Now, this could go very well or very badly. Maybe nothing would happen—the pain might be relieved for a while like when you'd spent time with him before. Or maybe everything would get worse. But maybe it's a chance that you're willing to take for one last kiss with Kim Sunwoo, someone who you now know loves you, despite what you've believed for the past few months.

So, you say yes.

He reaches up to gently caress your cheek, and then leans forward so slowly that you're sure he would've jumped back at any sign of interruption. But nothing interrupts, and there's a bit of a smile on his lips right before they meet yours.

If you thought the kiss at the party was good, then you aren't at all prepared for just how it feels knowing you aren't the only one in love. Sunwoo's lips are soft like they are before, and now there's a sense of familiarity, as if you're returning to where you belong. He kisses you so delicately, like he cares, like this is a moment that you've never known but will never get back. The way his plush lips seem to melt into yours like there's no space where one ends and the other begins. And in any world, this should be enough to convince the flowers that your love has been reciprocated and was never unrequited at all.

You feel it again—the fluttering of petals, the movements of the branches ever so slightly. The pressure in your chest. They follow his every movement like they always do, like they're trying to soak up as much sunshine as they can get. But then they stop.

They stop like they're completely gone, and there's an apparent emptiness like they were never there. You can still feel the way your heart speeds up at each of Sunwoo's gentle touches and there's the pull that's always been there, telling you to get closer until there's no space between the two of you. But those are the things that have always been there, before the flowers have taken over.

When Sunwoo pulls back, he's speechless for a while. Hovering over you like he doesn't want to be apart quite yet. "I've been thinking about that since the party," he gives a lopsided smile. "Thought you ran out because you hated it."

"So this wasn't about finding a solution?" You raise an eyebrow at him, and the tips of his ears immediately redden.

"Sorry, I just—well, yes, it was kind of an excuse to kiss you." He settles into his seat, hand finding its way back to yours. "But we will find a solution. There has to be one."

And maybe there is one.

The emptiness you felt a moment ago, the lack of response from the tiny plants residing in your body—are they not signs of what's happening? That instead of having the disease progress further, maybe the kiss and the confession and the ending of a lie were the solutions to ending this situation once and for all.

You half expect a branch to be sticking right out of your chest, that maybe it's not a solution you're feeling but the opposite of one. But when you look down, there's nothing there.

Nothing except for the slow realization dawning upon the both of you.

"No way," Sunwoo's eyes widen as he reads the expressions that must be fleeting across your face. "Did it actually—please tell me it worked."

"I don't know." You don't want to give him false hope which would only fuel your own hope that you're holding onto. "I can't feel it. Nothing's happening and I—I don't know what's going on."

But perhaps the flowers were never really about the person you love being unable to return your feelings, but rather what you believed. Perhaps they weren't a glitch and Sunwoo wasn't lying about being in love with you either, but rather they stemmed from the fact that you never gave him a chance to tell you or show you. You were so fixated on the consequences of your feelings not being returned that you never gave yourself the chance to believe otherwise.

"It actually worked," Sunwoo breathes, pulling you out of your thoughts. "Y/N, we did it. We really did it."

This time, the weight on your chest isn't from the presence of little plants filling your lungs but rather the weight of Sunwoo's body crushing you in a hug. The warmth you feel isn't from a fever or sickness but from his touch and perhaps this time it's no longer the flowers that bloom, but rather the hope and the love between you.

#wow #oh my god #okay first of all that last sentence *chefs kiss*#second of all this was so lovely and heartbreaking and oh my GODD #my heart is aching right now #ty for that #m: sunwoo #g: angst #why do I read angst when I know what’s coming 😭#AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE BBANGNYU ARC I WANNA CRY #elle’s fic recs

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