universesinmind

[universesinmind]

the next time he takes my clothes off I want to look so good he audibly gasps

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#notprojusttags #not pro just using tags #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #th1n$po #thin #thinspu

[universesinmind]

Oh so when some gym-bro does it it’s called intermittent fasting, but when I do it suddenly it’s “a problem” and I need “professional psychiatric treatment”

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[universesinmind]

hey I’m back

summer has been kinda shitty

being home is just so bad for my mental health and I’ve definitely gained but I’m too scared to weigh myself and find out how much

I work everyday during the week and when I come home all I do is eat.

I dont know why it’s so hard for me to break this cycle when I’m at home. it was always like this before I went away to college. when I’m at school though everything —literally everything— is so much better and easier. I feel so much healthier there. and then whenever I come home I fall right back into old habits.

I have to try harder

In other news my boyfriend and I are finally having s*x. I don’t know exactly when I felt ready but I just was. I’m always so grateful because I feel so safe with him and for a long time I didn’t think I’d feel safe with anyone ever again.

I’m still fearful that he secretly thinks I’m disgusting and unattractive now but that he’s staying because he wants the physical satisfaction but I am well aware of how fucking ridiculous that sounds. I know how much he loves me and I really have to try harder not to let my feelings about myself get in the way of me believing how he feels about me.

I keep having these moments when we’re having s*x where he’ll see or touch a part of my body that i especially don’t like and I expect him to react negatively but then he doesn’t. he’s never reacted to my body in the way that I always told myself he would. it’s honestly reassuring. like a reminder that almost all of the things I think about myself are entirely because of my own perception.

we still haven’t been to the gym together. I told him I was scared to go because I know I’ll get very anxious and I don’t want to ruin his workout. he assured me that he’s willing to help me with whatever I need and promised I won’t ruin his workout. he also said we can start out with a day that isn’t very busy and that made me feel a lot better. we still don’t have definitive plans yet because we’re both super busy lately but after this week things *should* be a little easier to work around.

thats all I have for now. I’m gonna try my absolute best to get things under control and hopefully I’ll have more updates soon

#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

just got off FaceTime with my boyfriend. we talked about where it would be possible for us to have s*x. we haven’t yet because of me and my stupid brain. I felt like I was a point where the location was the biggest thing stopping me because we haven’t been anywhere where we’d truly have privacy.

he said that he’s okay with not doing it at all. that he’s just kinda accepted it. I think he meant to take pressure off me in case I wasn’t actually ready but was just saying it because I know he wants to.

but it’s getting twisted in my head. it’s becoming, “based on the parts of me that he has seen and touched, he’s gotten disgusted and now is no longer s*xually attracted to me”

I’m so so sad. I hate living like this

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

my dad doesn’t like my boyfriend because he doesn’t think he’s spoiling me enough. he doesn’t like that we “never go out to dinner or anything”

what my dad doesn’t know is that I’ve declined going to dinner every time he’s ever offered it because I’m so afraid of eating in front of him. he’s stopped asking to go now because I never say yes.

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

he asked what my goals are going to the gym

I can’t tell him

I can’t even tell him half of it

if I say I wanna l0se we¡ght he’ll tell me I don’t need to

I told him I just wanna hate myself a little less. which, I guess in some ways is partially the truth

I don’t wanna hurt him but this is going to hurt him. I’m so conflicted over this, it’s going to tear me up inside

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

my boyfriend asked me to come to the gym with him when I’m home again.

we’ve been talking about the gym and how I wanna go but I’m nervous.

he’s been encouraging me to go if I want to because he thinks I’ll enjoy it and, “with your determination you’ll reach your goals so easily”

he says all of this blissfully unaware of what my goals actually are.

he loves me so fucking much and I love him too, I really do. but I know that once I get over the anxiety stopping me from going to the gym, things are going to get so much worse. I’ll get to my goals, sure, but the way that I’m doing it would break his heart if he knew. once I start going to the gym, especially if I go with him this summer, there’ll be no way left to hide what’s going on.

I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m going to. and it kills me that his love for me isn’t enough to make me want to stop, if anything it’s encouraging me to continue.

Im sick with myself over this, truly

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

It got worse today

We were all studying in the library together and I was taking a break so I offered to throw away everyone’s empty Starbucks cups and food bags. I didn’t think anything of it, figured I might as well

She laughed and said to me, “y’know, there’s gonna be some people who are gonna think you ate and drank all that by yourself”.

I and everyone else immediately said that, no, they wouldn’t and she claimed that there’s always at least one person who would think the wrong thing.

I wanted to throw up instantly. The library wasn’t even that crowded but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That little seed was planted and it wasn’t gonna go away. I had to take a second to stop myself from crying before going back to our study room.

Later she told us she was dizzy. Someone asked how much water she’d had and she said just the two sips she’d had that morning plus her Starbucks. Someone brought up how you’re supposed to drink half your body weight in ounces and she said, “so 50 ounces? That’s so much! I’m a hundred pounds..”

She repeated her weight over and over. I felt like it was beating against my skull as I walked out of the library. I felt so hideous. I felt so sick with myself.

I thought about skipping dinner. I went and only had a side order of tater tots. I was quiet the whole time. I knew my friends were concerned but I did a good job of acting like everything was okay when I spoke. I zoned out for most of it. One of my other friends snuck up behind me to say hi and I didn’t even notice her standing next to me for a good 45 seconds because I was so out of it.

She gave me a hug which I really needed and I texted her after she left to tell her that I’d had a horrible last 6 hours and really needed that. She’s been trying to convince me to go over to her room and hang out for a bit since then but I can’t.

It’s midterm week and I have so much to do and study for and all I can think about is how horrendous my body is. I’m worried I’m going to fail my midterm on Monday but I can’t study because all I feel capable of is laying in bed sobbing.

I was quiet on the walk back to my building and barely holding back tears. I said goodnight to the friend who lives in my building and practically ran to my room. I started sobbing as soon as I closed the door and I haven’t stopped.

Her words are ringing in my head. I feel sick. I just want everything to stop. I just wanna be th¡n. I just don’t wanna be myself anymore.

I don’t know what to do

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I think one of my friends here has an ed.

Well, several of my friends here have eds but most of them are self-aware enough to talk about them very delicately and in ways that aren’t tr¡gger¡ng.

Not this one though. This one likes to sit down for dinner and tell us that her pasta is the most shes eaten in three days.

She takes large portions from the dining hall but frequently comments that she hasn’t eaten that day. I think she might only eat when she’s with other people.

Once she commented about one of our friend’s meals. Something about it being a lot of food, I don’t really remember. The girl she was talking to is bigger than the rest of us and I know she has her insecurities and it breaks my heart because she’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. But that night she stopped eating.

She didn’t touch her meal again after that comment. I tried to tell her that her food looked really good because I wanted her to feel better but I knew then that it wouldn’t work and I kick myself for it now because it probably only made her feel more watched but it hurt me so badly because I know exactly the pain she felt in that moment and I wanted more than anything to take it away from her.

The girl who makes the tr¡gger¡ng comments is a dear friend and I love her but I always feel awful after eating around her.

I just don’t know what to do anymore

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #weight loss #thinspii #thinsppi #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

My boyfriend just told me he’s trying to lose weight

And he’s perfectly fine, he’s perfectly healthy

I knew he worked out all the time but I thought he was just a gym rat trying to build muscle

I don’t want this to become what it’s about to become

But I’m going to feel competitive, I’m going to start telling myself that if he looks the way he does and feels he should lose weight he could never be attracted to my disgusting b0dy

I don’t know how to let him look at my body and now this is going to get even more twisted up in my head and I just don’t know what to do anymore

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

He’s gonna figure out my e4t¡ng problems

The other night when I saw him I made an offhand remark about how I hate summer and he kept asking why, wouldn’t let it go

Eventually I told him it’s because I have to wear clothes I hate

He said he understood, but that he was sure I looked fine, that he could picture it and knew I looked fine. My brain latched onto the idea that he could picture me in varying amounts of clothes and started telling me again how my actual body would be disappointing

Then he was quiet for a minute. He asked, “is that why?” And I said, “is that why what?” And he said, “is that part of the reason that….” meaning part of the reason I’m not ready to have s*x. I told him yes and he tried to reassure me that he wasn’t gonna think anything bad about me and I told him I knew that and it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

It got quiet for a moment again and he asked if I wanted to talk about it. And I asked about what. He said, “whatever it is you’re thinking about right now”.

I’d been planning how I’d st4rv3 myself as soon as I got back to campus. I shook my head no.

I didn’t think he would’ve made that connection. I hesitated to tell him why I hate summer because I thought it would turn into him trying to convince me that I’m beautiful, but I didn’t expect him to put that together.

Now I fear that he’ll figure out the e4t¡ng problems sooner than I’d thought he might. I thought it would take until I’d lost a dramatic amount of w3¡ght for him to realize but I don’t think it will. I think he’s gonna notice sooner rather than later

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

I think one of my friends here has an ed.

Well, several of my friends here have eds but most of them are self-aware enough to talk about them very delicately and in ways that aren’t tr¡gger¡ng.

Not this one though. This one likes to sit down for dinner and tell us that her pasta is the most shes eaten in three days.

She takes large portions from the dining hall but frequently comments that she hasn’t eaten that day. I think she might only eat when she’s with other people.

Once she commented about one of our friend’s meals. Something about it being a lot of food, I don’t really remember. The girl she was talking to is bigger than the rest of us and I know she has her insecurities and it breaks my heart because she’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. But that night she stopped eating.

She didn’t touch her meal again after that comment. I tried to tell her that her food looked really good because I wanted her to feel better but I knew then that it wouldn’t work and I kick myself for it now because it probably only made her feel more watched but it hurt me so badly because I know exactly the pain she felt in that moment and I wanted more than anything to take it away from her.

The girl who makes the tr¡gger¡ng comments is a dear friend and I love her but I always feel awful after eating around her.

I just don’t know what to do anymore

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

please tell me not to start purg¡ng. I know why I shouldn’t but I’m so tempted and desperate and I just need someone outside of myself to convince me not to please

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

We’ve been officially together for a month and Madison Beer is still his Lock Screen.

How am I supposed to not hate myself?

How am I supposed to believe he’s actually attracted to me?

I feel like if I ask him to change it I’d be crossing a line and it would be too controlling but I saw it the other night and it was so tr¡gg3ring I thought briefly about un-al¡v¡ng myself (I am okay, the thoughts were mostly intrusive and I have no plans to actually do anything, I’m safely back on my university campus now).

I just want to be good enough. I just wanna feel okay in my own body. I’m so fucking uncomfortable all the time because of the way it is I just want to rip myself out of it

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #tw eating things #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

well he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes, of course.

And I’m happy, I’m so happy.

I saw him just before I came back to school and things escalated a bit in terms of physical intimacy. But as much as I enjoyed it I was so worried about what my body looked/felt like.

I’m so happy that I can call him my boyfriend but I already know this is going to twist itself into some kind of sick motivation in my head.

I know he likes me as I am and that he’s attracted to me but it’s going to turn into me trying to be th¡n so I’ll be good enough for him, so he’ll stay attracted to me, so he doesn’t have to be embarrassed that he’s with me.

I know it’s going there and it’s tainting what should be a very happy moment. I hate living like this, I really do, but I’m not ready to get help and I feel so guilty for that

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #not pro just using tags #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #tw eating things #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

his ‘following’ tab on insta is full of tiny girls who are prettier than I’ll ever be

I don’t understand what he could possibly see in me

:(

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#goal weight #lose weight #weight log #personal vent #vent post #vent #thinspii #thinsppi #tw eating things #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

I talked to him about the things that I was worried about sharing. Told him that s*x is gonna be something I need to work up to. I didn’t go into detail about any of it because I was so anxious I could barely say anything at all.

He seemed really concerned about the tr4uma that I brought up but didn’t explain, he said if I wanted to tell him I could but I just didn’t know how. I tried to assure him that, because I won’t talk about it, it sounds worse than it probably actually was.

He said his feelings for me weren’t going to change because of this. That he really does like me a lot. He kissed me a bunch and held me for a long time and played with my hair and rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks.

At one point he was just holding my hand and he started to laugh to himself. I said, “what?” And he said, “you’re just so pretty”. I told him to shut up and we kissed but for a moment there, I actually believed him. For one fleeting moment I felt pretty.

I don’t know if I’m in the clear yet. I still kinda feel like he could decide that it is all too much for him after all. I’m still afraid to lose him but it’s a little bit less intense now.

If he sticks around I have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing conversation and I’ll eventually have to further explain the stuff I danced around (i.e., the tr4uma and b0dy dysm0rph¡a (I’m not telling him about the e4t¡ng pr0blems because I’m not ready to actually address that. I dread the day that he figures it out anyway.))

If anyone bothered to read this far, thank you. If anyone has any advice, please share.

I send love <3

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#goal weight #lose weight #weight log #weight loss #personal vent #vent post #vent #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #tw eating things #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags

[universesinmind]

me yelling at him for going to work with only coffee in his system because “coffee isn’t food” knowing damn well I’d pull the same shit the first chance I got

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#goal weight #lose weight #vent #vent post #weight log #personal vent #rant #rant post #thinspii #thinsppi #th1nsp0 #thinsspi #thinspu #thin #tw eating things #not pro just using tags #notprojusttags