Tumgik
Text
Dada: That sounds like a "you" problem
Toddler, in scathing retort: That's a UPS van problem
210 notes · View notes
Text
two bangers from tonight:
“you can watch football and dance. live a little, lau! soon enough you’ll have alzheimer’s!”
“so… do you prefer to have a big tv or is the… quality of the image more important?”
10 notes · View notes
Text
"Don't be afraid. KILL PEOPLE."
-Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody
0 notes
Text
"If you find a volcano, you shouldn't step in it or it could crack."
-a brilliant up and coming preschool geologist on his day off at the mall
4 notes · View notes
Text
"That's what parents are for - to make it easier to stab things."
- a very good dad
0 notes
Text
"Okay, I'm going to go water the poinsettias, and then I'm going to talk an owl."
-mother dearest
0 notes
Text
Starting a new thread of insane shit I over hear my husband say to our toddler.
“Here, will this rice cake cracker sate your dark passanger?”
108K notes · View notes
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
(source)
110K notes · View notes
Text
“i’m the opposite of straight As. i’m gay Bs”
— bitty, any time anyone brings up his grades
919 notes · View notes
Text
Little brother: So the baby is 4 months old today? When will she be five months?
Me:....in a month?
LB: Oh right, I forgot months happen every month.
1 note · View note
Text
Little brother: *referring to eggs on the top shelf of the fridge* The eggs are taller than me. Well, not really. The eggs themselves are only like six inches tall each.
Same kid a little later: Why must life include upsnand downs? Why can't it be a straight line, all ups? Why can't the toothpaste rate always be going up, never down?
0 notes
Text
Tumblr media
189K notes · View notes
Text
So I am in a wedding party where I am the best man and very close with both the bride and the groom. This means I was part of both the bachelor and bachelorette parties, on subsequent weekends.  To give you an idea of how those respective experiences were, here is a general summary of the conversations I had on the following Mondays when asked about my weekend: “So how was the Bachelor party?” “Good, I was a little hung over Sunday morning but nothing a cup of coffee couldn’t fix, and there was very little clean up!”
“So how was the Bachelorette party?” “Well, we don’t think my knee needs surgery but I’m gonna be in a brace for a bit. Broke my oath about not drinking liquor out of a bowl ever again though, so that’s on me. Also luckily we aren’t being billed for the shattered glass door! No idea what I’m gonna do with all these one dollar bills though…”
7K notes · View notes
Text
Overheard:
"How do you spell your last name?"
"I can't believe you don't know!"
"I just don't know if it's with an A or an O."
"It's a...wait. How DO I spell it? What's my last name????"
0 notes
Text
Little brother: It would be cool if Greek people were real. Well, I think there might be a few Greek people out there somewhere. But they're probably all old and shriveled.
1 note · View note
Text
Little brother (14 yr): I wonder why I sweat at night.
Me: Could be hormones, could be--
LB: I HAVE HORMONES????? I thought those were just for ladies!
2 notes · View notes
Text
I work at the radio and I have worked retail and I have worked food service.
The people who call in to the radio station are the dumbest people alive, holy shit.
Be honest, do you guys want the stories?
39K notes · View notes