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Me Moving Forward
A blog of my journey to becoming myself
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Days 165 & 166 - Double Day Dude
Calories: 1720 & 1825
I put off writing the blog for yesterday for so long that by the time I was about to go to bed I couldn't even write a single sentence. Then I forgot that I hadn't written the blog until now, so this will be for both days. Sunday was quiet and uneventful, and today was quietly stressful.
Writing for a couple days:
Sunday was just some more Fallout 4. Progressing the Sim Settlements 2 quests along with some main quests. I didn't play Old World Blues because of some lingering trepidation about the complexities of HOI4.
I didn't attempt any more XCOM 2 either though, that just seems like more of a bad idea with each passing day. Doesn't mean I won't try again though. The weather was nice and cold and usually that puts me in the mood for strategy, but not this time.
Today, I played some more Fallout 4. Along with a bit of Rusted Warfare. I only had interested in Rusted because of the potential of large AI vs AI battles, but it's clear that game isn't really about the strength of its AI. Battles weren't huge, it was just a mess of builders and scouts running around all over the place while occasionally a handful of superheavy units got thrown at another AI's base.
Honestly similar to my experience trying to set up AI vs AI in Supreme Commander. While the AI would make some large formations, they were sparse and usually didn't last long. A handful of experimentals were usually what ended games. They're impressive and all, it just doesn't hold a candle to a thousand little robots all blasting away at each other while planes dogfight overhead.
The past couple days, I got up late. I keep staying up too late and paying the price. Finances are still okay though, so most of the stress is just from work. I always worry about losing my job, even if I don't have any reason to.
I've always had a problem with imagining every social situation as being tenuous. That everyone around me has more talent and value than I do and they're barely tolerating my existence in their space. I don't feel like I ever do anything but subsist, like a patch of mold on the wall. A feeling that it's only a matter of time before someone thinks to ask why I should get to pretend I belong there at all. Overall, the past couple of days felt mediocre.
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Day 164 - Calm & Cool
Calories: 1785
Calories still not at goal. Today was slow and calm and almost boring. I spent a lot of time doomscrolling and had a hard time making myself actually play any games.
Writing for today:
I only managed to make myself play anything at around 4PM, starting with a couple more false starts on XCOM 2. After that it was Fallout 4, where I unexpectedly took over Covenant and re-fortified it when I was just trying to get to some super mutants.
XCOM 2 continues to be frustrating. I can see so much potential fun and chaos in it, but I just can't get off the ground with a single campaign. I've been thinking about redownloading Hearts of Iron IV and playing Old World Blues, as a strategy replacement.
I tried that before and just got turned off by the massive amounts of stuff in the HOI4 UI, but I think I can get over that. I mean, I have played a not-insignificant amount of Dwarf Fortress. I can handle it. Probably.
Today I got up a little late, but managed to stay up. The only times I got back on my bed were to hug and roughhouse with the dogs. Got an irritating scratch across my eyebrow for the trouble. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 163 - Really Restful
Calories: 1790
Still haven't gone back down to the calories I want. I just mindlessly eat and I don't know how to stop it. I napped for a whole 3 hours today after getting up briefly in the morning, and honestly I think I may have needed it.
Writing for today:
Besides napping I did a couple chores and played some Fallout 4. I am a bit torn about using fast travel in survival mode, honestly. Needing to hoof it to places makes settlement locations more important, but also I have already spent so so so much time walking everywhere on previous playthroughs already and I only got frustration out of it.
Also, unlocking the vertibird travel system trivializes movement anyway. I'm just going to keep fast traveling. Maybe do a wander every once in a while to find random events. The world just isn't interesting enough to bother walking most of the time.
No Stellaris today, and only a bit of Darktide. I had a disappointing moment today when I remembered that World of Horror was supposed to get a big update back in March, but after going to the steam page it seems no such update has happened yet, and no delay announcement either. I hope the devs are alright.
Today I got up on time, but went back to sleep after a couple of hours. When I got back in bed it felt as if I had never slept the night before. Oh well. Hopefully that's out of my system now. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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Day 162 - Crazy & Crowded
Calories: 1620
Today was unexpectedly stressful. Work had some slow moments, but also had several crazy rushes of the most unreasonable and rude people I have yet to deal with. I'm just glad the week is over. I ate too much again, but it's still not bad.
Writing for today:
Played a few rounds of Darktide, because it's the most mindless game I have and I feel like my higher reasoning was shot after wanting to strangle customers all day.
Played a little bit of Stellaris, but got really pissed when a special project that had been taking up all of my research for 2 years got interrupted by an enemy spawning directly in my home system. That's such a bizarre way to handle an event battle. At least give me some way to prepare a defense instead of dropping the boss fight on top of my capital.
The special project got completely reset and I was now 2 years behind on materials research for nothing. No thanks. I'll pick a different empire.
Today I got up on time and felt just a bit sleepy. My energy throughout the day was pretty decent to be honest. I don't know what I did differently, I guess it was just some lucky biological chaos. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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Day 161 - Sleepy & Stressed
Calories: 1750
Ate way more than intended today. Work was very slow, but my grandmother got really bitchy at me after the nurse told her off for leaving trash sitting in her just-cleaned room. Of course she'd never admit that she wasn't actually angry at me, and insisted she was just upset because I didn't buy her extra ice trays that she doesn't even refill. Right.
Writing for today:
No Fallout at all today, instead I played some more Darktide. Aside from a wipe at the very end of a Maelstrom mission, things went okay. The new achievement log has an awful lot of stuff to go through.
I looked at Stellaris a bit but I just was not in the mood for it today. My head is all over the place and I feel exhausted at the same time. I need to sleep early tonight if I'm going to get through tomorrow.
I kinda wish I hadn't binged Fallout already, but at the same time avoiding spoilers would have been impossible by this point, so I'll take the good with the bad. Shogun's last episode is coming next Tuesday, so I'll need to pick a new series soon. Maybe Invincible or The Boys.
Today I got up a bit late and felt sleepy and tired all day long. I got so close to falling asleep on my 15 minute break that I felt delirious and half-dreaming when my alarm went off. Honestly it would have been better to not have taken that break at all. Overall, today was mediocre.
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Day 160 - Mini Mishap
Calories: 1585
Not quite as low as I intended, because of a miscounted calorie intake. A bit frustrating. But work was slow and life was tolerable today.
Writing for today:
Besides work, I did a bit of Stellaris today. Actually managed to start a game with the Payback origin providing a nice narrative to the early game. Time will tell how hard it ends up being.
Didn't play any Fallout 4, turns out he Darktide update came out today. No new weapons, but there's a cool revamped achievement system. Lots of stuff to try and do, new reasons to clear harder difficulties.
I'll probably do Fallout 4 tomorrow though, after maybe one round of Darktide. There's a couple bugs with the new update that I will probably wait out before I try going for some of the harder achievements.
Today I got up on time and felt okay. No major issues besides wanting to sleep more. Work was very slow and also plagued with tech issues, which is a better combo than the alternative. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 159 - Mildly Monday
Calories: 1710
I did not keep my calories as low as I wanted, but I am okay with the result since this is the "first" day. Tomorrow will be below 1500. Besides that, today was surprisingly mild for a Monday. I hope the rest of the week will be mild too.
Writing for today:
I played a tiny bit of Pokemon Infinite Fusion on a complete whim today. Didn't even give myself time to think of reasons why I shouldn't bother with it. Didn't really do anything past get through Viridian Forest.
There's something about Infinite Fusion that puts me off of it though. Just a general vibe of it being really rough around the edges. Weird looking overworld sprites, odd looking run cycles that make it look like you're lagging, that sort of thing. It feels like it's more of a rickety platform supporting a massive community art project rather than a game in its own right.
I can't really hold that against it though. It's amazing what's been done so far, and they aren't slowing down either. I'm probably not going to get much farther into it though. Playing it just made me want to revisit Reborn.
Today I got up a bit late, since I stayed up too late last night. Not too bothered about it though, things will be fine. I just hope my grandmother's nurse can keep coming by. I swear my grandmother is slowly losing the ability to walk again. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 158 - Resting & Restarting
Calories: 2180
Today I cleared out my unhealthy food again, and from Monday onward I am going to go back to eating like I should be. No more trying, there is no option but to stick to my word. Not for myself, but for someone important to me.
Writing for today:
Started back on Fallout 4 in earnest today, and I am already noticing that Sim Settlements 2 is running way better than it was in that kitchen sink modpack I was using before. NPCs are more active, get stuck less often, and I haven't had any quests bug out yet.
I wanted to poke at some Stellaris but I napped instead. I have no idea how long I was asleep, all I know is that I did not feel like ever getting up again. I need some more water.
Work week starts anew tomorrow, but it'll be fine. It'll be Monday, and therefore probably annoying, but it'll be fine. Maybe in the afternoon I can finally decide on a nation to play in Stellaris. That would be a big step towards actually playing again.
Today I got up slightly late, but felt alright. I managed to knock myself out with a couple of doubleshot coffees though. Like, instantly too sleepy to function. I should really stop spinning that roulette. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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Day 157 - TV Time
Calories: 1970
Spent the day watching the last half of the first season of Fallout. Honestly I'm shocked how far they went with the absurd brutality of the franchise. I confess I would have bet serious money that the series was going to play it safe. Be coy about its rating. Appeal to as many people as it could. But this show is brutal and sometimes truly disturbing.
Writing for today:
Semi-related to the TV show, I am going to make one final effort to finish Sim Settlements 2 in Fallout 4, before the coming updates possibly destroy the modding scene forevermore.
Said scene has always been anemic when compared to Skyrim, and I don't fully believe that it would ever make a full recovery after game updates start hitting again.
Besides that, I tinkered with Stellaris a bit but didn't actually start a new save. A whole lot of indecision there. At least I can proudly say I did not force myself to try playing XCOM 2 again. That could have ruined my day.
Today I got up very late, but probably needed the sleep. I've been staying up too late again, and it's going to fuck me as soon as the work week starts. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 156 - Slow & Stuffed
Calories: 2435
Ate way too much today. I let myself get bored. I'm just so tired of this stalling and I don't know what to do to make it stop.
Writing for today:
Started the day with some walks and some Youtube. After that, XCOM 2 proved to be a bad idea. I did manage to stop myself from sticking to it until I got mad, but I replaced it with eating instead of Stellaris like I had planned.
Did watch a bit more of Fallout. Still a solid show so far, as of episode 3. I really want to get Stellaris running again though, before I completely lose the will to play it for another 6 months.
Finances are staying solid at least. That brought some comfort as the day wore on and I got more bored and frustrated with myself for being bored. I still need meds. I am still very far away from having any meds at all.
Today I got up on time and felt only a little sleepy. I did nap for like 30 minutes, but overall I managed to stay up today. It might have been healthier to sleep through lunch though. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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Day 155 - Delayed Descriptions
Calories: 2030
My internet went out around midnight last night, just after the storms has completely stopped. It tends to do that a lot. One of life's many mysteries. Work was slow, life was quiet.
Writing for today:
After work I messed around with Stellaris a bit, and watched the first episode of Fallout. Better than expected, though I wouldn't call it amazing. Then again, maybe it gets better past the pilot.
I've heard that Rimworld's new expansion won't have as long of a modpocalypse as prior ones, due to a long beta branch. It's good news, but I still think I'm going back to Dwarf Fortress before trying Rimworld again.
Today I might try some XCOM 2. I'll have to be careful not to stick around if things turn sour though. Don't want to spoil my Friday. Stellaris is always a chill time, so that will be a good fallback.
Today I got up on time and felt better rested. Stress stayed manageable, no big frustrations besides the internet suddenly dropping. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 154 - Sleepy Stressing
Calories: 1920
Today I was sleepy nonstop. I woke up late cause sleepy, I got irritated with customers cause sleepy, I slept through 150% of my lunch cause sleepy, and I slept through my entire post-work evening cause sleepy. I am still sleepy now.
Writing for today:
There is really nothing to tell. I slept almost as soon as I got off work, and only woke up about 10 minutes ago. I slept and slept and slept today.
I will probably play Stellaris tomorrow, maybe. I couldn't even walk the dogs much today because it never stopped raining. Just a dreary sleepy irritating day all around.
I didn't risk taking a caffeine pill because I was already barely keeping my job as it was. I didn't want to end up telling the customers why exactly their kids don't like them enough to be solving their (entirely unrelated to this company) tech issues.
Today I got up late, and felt frustrated and sleepy. Sleepy. Sleepy. Now I will sleep more. Overall, today felt sleepy.
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Day 153 - Furious Frustrations
Calories: 2230
Today was stressful. Work wasn't that bad at first, until suddenly I had to handle multiple customers at once several times in a row and I frequently got the different open cases confused with each other. It just kept happening, multiple people coming in at the exact same time over and over again like they were moving in cliques. It was so strange.
Writing for today:
I played a little bit of Stellaris until I got unceremoniously wiped off the map. Turned out both of my immediate neighbors were larger than me and shared the exact same ideology that was completely opposed to mine. The game was rigged from the start.
I did not dare try to play any XCOM 2 today, I would have exploded and taken my computer down with me. That will have to wait for much more peaceful times.
Besides that I haven't done much besides some light chores. Today was very rainy and walks were short. Hopefully things will be nicer tomorrow, in every way. It's worrying how fast my mood can change for the worse because of work, but it's always been this way.
Today I got up on time and felt a bit sleepy. Not as bad as before, but still a distinct feeling that I didn't rest long enough. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better morning. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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Day 152 - Managed Month
Calories: 2010
I think I am set for smooth sailing for the rest of the month. The house is clean, the lawn is mowed, the bills are paid, and supplies are stocked. All I need to do is get through my work days.
Writing for today:
Today was mild and long, but I didn't really play many games. What I did play wasn't very enjoyable, failing at Rimworld to the point where I got tired of it again and also starting several more ill-advised XCOM 2 campaigns.
Despite that, I am feeling alright. Having all the important business of the month handled by day 8 is great for me, and I won't let some video game frustrations take that feeling away.
Grandmother is getting irritating again, claiming her food here at home isn't enough and demanding fast food constantly. I just don't understand why she thinks she can get away with that. She'll be awfully disappointed by the lack of fried chicken and burgers for the rest of this week.
Today I woke up a little earlier than expected, and felt sleepy. But I managed to stay up all day anyway. Not like I did that much past the first few hours. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 151 - Mild & Mellow
Calories: 2270
Well, my eating sure wasn't mild, but today was calm and relatively stress free. You know, besides the stress that I generate from thin air on a regular basis.
Writing for today:
Played around with some more XCOM 2, but encountered more frustration. I think the stress of the game is starting to seriously affect my mood, so I'm going to pivot back to Rimworld and Stellaris tomorrow.
Tomorrow is an extra day off, which will be nice. I'll make another serious effort to cut down on calories tomorrow as well. Right now I feel like I could just not eat anything tomorrow and be fine, but I don't know about that. There's plenty of hours between tonight and tomorrow night.
Minecraft still doesn't interest me. I tried to start Minecolonies but instantly lost interest when I saw a bunch of signs in my first building telling me the exact dimensions of other buildings and how I needed to plan how to arrange them. Bleh. What's the point if it can't take care of itself? Feels like I'm just setting up somebody else's premade design for them. That's not fun.
Today I got up on time and stayed awake all day. I'm glad for it, though I still felt sleepy. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more energy. Overall, today felt okay.
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Day 150 - Napping & Nothing Else
Calories: 2105
Today I napped for 2 and a half hours, watched some videos, ate too much, played a bit of games, and walked some dogs.
Writing for today:
XCOM 2 LWOTC is going better than usual. I've got a decent number of missions in this campaign, a Sergeant, destroyed a UFO and a supply convoy. I've also had some of the worst luck possible. I'm talking missing 3 70% shots in a row, and the turn before that having 4 of my shots land but they all hit a 10-15% chance to only graze.
Also I have tried to hack robots 4 times this campaign with a 65%+ chance each time, and failed each time. I failed a 95% chance to hack a security tower and got reinforcements dropped on my head. I accidentally triggered 2 packs of enemies by moving 1 tile too far. I have gotten no decent covert ops in 3 months. Yet somehow I am still in a stable position.
Besides that, I played a bit of Minecraft multiplayer again. For a moment there it felt like I might be able to get back into it, but the motivation fizzled out. Oh well.
Today I got up on time, but didn't sleep enough apparently. I was sleepy all day and 30 minutes after I took a caffeine pill I was out for 2.5 hours. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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Day 149 - Headaches & Hibernation
Calories: 2025
Today was a weird day. I woke up late, the cleaners were back again using a shit-ton of bleach in my grandmother's room, and I got a headache from both that going to sleep dehydrated. I ended up sleeping for half the day.
Writing for today:
Besides sleeping and sitting by a fan and an open window to avoid the fumes, I played some Rimworld this evening. Played as a bunch of cavemen with no knowledge of literally anything besides making fire, and slowly everyone starved to death as all the berries on the map got wiped out.
I think the lesson from that is that you can't expand your tribe past 3 people until you know how to grow your own food. That'd make sense. But it's still crazy how a 300x300 tile forest map doesn't have the foraging to sustain 5 people for more than a month.
I also played some XCOM 2, and got a decent start I think. Still a ton of time to mess it up though. The learning process is going to be long, especially with all these mods adding new enemies and equipment. I think I like it that way, though.
Today I got up late, woken up by cleaning fumes and the loud thumps of rearranged furniture. I didn't care too much, considering it was a good thing after all. My grandmother doesn't seem to care very much, but that is fully expected from her. That room will be the same again within a couple months. Overall, today felt mediocre.
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