tryingtohardtobehappyattimes

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

Its been a minute since I posted last.

The guy I was talking to ghosted me after talking for nearly a year

My favorite coworker is now my boss.

My mom is still a grade A bitch.

My mental health is still shit.

My friend group is still small. Im starting to believe this person who calls themself my best friend is a narcissists because when I call them to vent they cut me off and either end the conversation or change the topic to them and continue for 40 mins about repeated stories they have already told.

I feel just as alone as ever.

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

Can I just quit my current role and be placed in one that is off the phones without interviewing. My anxiety has been so bad and with all this new stuff they are having us do as mandatory steps is just so overwhelming. I can't stand it any longer. I just want to cry.

#mental instability #mental health #i want to quit my job

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

13th of May

It felt like Friday all day long. My favorite coworker is taking PTO for their birthday and we don't text so I can't message him my normal morning message. I start therapy tomorrow, which is nerve-wracking and exciting. It wasn't too terrible of a day overall and I felt less overwhelmed. I didn't get to video chat with my boyfriend since he had to work early but we are video chatting after I get off work Friday.

I successfully ignored my mom the whole day and binged on snacks. Maybe I'll try to go out tonight for a walk at the park or downtown after my video call.

#mental heath support #mental heath awareness #mental illness #mentally tired #adhd mood #journal #dear diary #ldr

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

12th of May

Well I have lost motivation for my passion at the moment and put my keyboard up. I'm currently laying in bed, in the dark and crying here and there. I'm not at the "send help" point yet but I know that's where I'm headed. I'm thankful that I scheduled the appointment before that point comes.

I love my daughter so much and sometimes when I get like this I feel like I'm a burden and like I'm a terrible mother. I hate feeling guilty for having this occur.

#mental health #mental illness #mental heath awareness #journal #dear diary

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

11th of May

Yesterday was shit but I have therapy scheduled this weekend, so thats great. My mom is still a bitch, on the off chance anyone was wanting to know.

Today was better than yesterday. I didn't binge eat as much and I got to video chat with my boyfriend so that made me pretty happy. My sister got me a new plant for Mother's Day, so that makes 15 now.

I don't have too much to say because today was fairly uneventful and my overwhelmed feelings haven't gone away as much as I thought. I have just been isolating myself from friends and everyone while trying not to be seld destructive.

#mental illness #mental heath awareness #mentally tired #mental heath support #anxiety #overwhelmed #journal #dear diary #living with adhd #adhd mood

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

10th of May

I didn't get any sleep last night. I am still feeling as overwhelmed today as I was yesterday. I feel alone and isolated. I'm debating on calling off the rest of my shift. I don't know how much longer I can stand it.

#mental health #mentally tired #mental illness #mental breakdown #overwhelmed #anxious #dear diary

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

9th of May

Despite it being Mother's Day it was a crap day. My mother took my daughter and I out shopping at a few different shops. First shop wasn't too bad and we had a decent time but the second shop was absolutely terrible. It was crowded, everyone was spraying body sprays, my daughter kept getting in everyone's way (not her fault for being a toddler but it didn't help my anxiety) and I ended up having almost a full blown anxiety attack and was very over stimulated. I tried getting out as fast as I could but the line wasn't moving fast at all.

My mother decided to give me the absolute worst advice and told me to just calm down. 🙄 She also came to the conclusion that I hate being out with my daughter, which is extremely insulting since every Friday I have her we go downtown for a dinner date and a trip to the parks.

I have been in an absolute terrible mood since this afternoon. My stomach is in knots but I'm hungry and I had to take my medicine for my heart because I started having palpitations. Bewteen my mother and being over stimulated and overwhelmed I just wanted to leave her there but unfortunately she drove us and I wasn't about to leave my daughter there with her.

I am just thankful that I am reaching out to the counselor tomorrow and start a game plan. I'm interested in seeing what they have to say. I know it will take some time but I'm over constantly feeling so emotionally drained, gaining weight and always wanting to cry.

#mental heath awareness #mental health #mentally tired #mental heath support #journal #anxiety #living with adhd #adhd mood #dear diary #mothers and daughters #mothers day

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

8th of May

The day was fairly decent today. Not many high anxiety moments but then again I was home and with my toddler all day and had a video call with my long distance bf. He's convincing me to start gaming more and I have been looking into Xbox, since that is what he currently has. Ummm....why so much even for the Xbox One S?

I reached out to a counseling service to start seeing someone for my anxiety and help better mange my ADHD (hopefully without medication). Im only a little nervous going to talk to someone about myself because I feel like I do some pretty dumb and fucked up shit. For example, I lately have been posting on Reddit nude pictures and explicit videos when I feel lonely or want attention. The downside to this is it's not the attention that I want or need and end up feeling pretty bad about myself afterwards. Before too much judgement has passed my bf knows about the posts and doesn't have issues as long as personal relationships are created or feelings form. He's pretty open to sharing virtual stuff but not physically being shared. I know that's not a great thing to do when feeling alone but it's habitual that I act out in that way, before I had a bf and my toddler it was one night stands instead of reddit posts.

So I guess I'm getting anxiety for having to go discuss my anxiety, ADHD, and other things going on.

#journal #mental heath awareness #mental health #mentally tired #therapy #adhd problems #anxiety #dear diary

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

7th of May

I didn't have a great start to the day. I sabotaged myself by staying up until almost 2 am knowing that I had to be logged in for work at 7:45. Thankfully I didn't sleep in like I did yesterday and I logged in on time. It wasn't long after that I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach like something was wrong and off about the day. I got a text from my ex, which normally doesn't happen too often, but it was about our daughter and how she hurt herself at his parent's house before school. Like the dumbass I am I texted his mom and a whole argument occurred over gaslighting me for the countless time. The text exchange ended but it left me with high anxiety. I know she never would but I still can't help but think that his mom will try to keep my toddler from me. I was planning how I would leave work early after feeling this but that immediately caused me to feel anxious about my attendance. Well I didn't leave I stayed and held back tears for an hour. After I got off work it was pretty decent and now I'm getting cuddle by the little cutie. Hopefully this night goes well but I am typing this at 10:30pm

#journal #mental heath awareness #aniexty #mentally tired #mental health #dear diary #coparenting

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

6th of May

*Run-on sentences may occur

Having the ADHD and anxiety makes it hard to know which one I'm dealing at times. My anxiety brings up old trauma that puts me in a flight or fight and my body chooses to freeze. My ADHD creates many to do lists about things that I need to get done and then I feel overwhelmed with these lists no matter how small I break up the tasks. Those things I know for sure but then things start to feed off each other, my mother starts to put her unwanted opinions, I started beating myself up for no reason and isolating myself. I know I need to seek out therapy but I don't prioritize myself.

The one nice thing I have going is a love interest, however it's long distance so that part sucks

#journal #mentally tired #mental heath awareness #mental health #adhd problems #living with adhd #anxitey #dear diary

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

So May is mental health awareness month and im thinking that for the remainder of the month im thinking of just using this as a personal journal but leave it public.

#journal #mentally tired #mental health #dear diary

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

So there is a tiktok going around of someone growing vines from a sweet potato because they got sad. Naturally I wanted to see what would happen and so I did that with lettuce. Well now it's in a small hanging basket and it has grown 4 inches and easily my favorite little plant.

#plants #tiktok #lettuce #bored #journal #sweet potato #growing #cute #cute plants

[tryingtohardtobehappyattimes]

One of my favorite things I did working in the office was saying good morning to my favorite coworker and chatting about anything. Now that we have been working from home for a year we have been relying on Skype and Google Teams for our chats. I learned that they recently experienced a loss and my heart hurts for them that I can't be there as the friend I have been in the past 3 years of knowing them. They are like a sibling at this point and I just want to help.

#ennea 2 #coworkers #wholesome #journal