troubledrobin

[troubledrobin]

Oh how I wish I could be more quiet

listening more than I speak

Never revealing

everything I'm feeling

Keeping them guessing

On their toes

But oh how I wish that they could know

I crave to be understood

For them to know

It's not all good

I want them to understand

This unbearable feeling

And where it came from

Why I shout at the ceiling

Why my hands tingle

Right before I panic

And why I can't breathe

Why my voice goes static

I didn't make it up

I didn't wake up with it

It gradually came into being

When my parents were there for me

But never when I truly needed them

When my friends supported me

But only if I appeased them

When the love of my life caressed me

And said

Its you and me

Forever

But he left the week after

And I never see him anymore

I wake up alone

And my tears are my own

No arms to hold me

Now that he's gone

And the whole world seems to agree

That everything is my fault

But I think it may have started

To go astray

When my parents used to say

"Oh yes you have such a hard life"

And they never meant it

But for me it was true

Not because my life was hard

In itself

But because it was hard as hell

To never admit to feeling

Anything other than very well

Because it is hard to say you're fine

Just because it is the only accepted line

Because it can destroy a kid

When she doesn't dare cry

And now you wonder why

Not because she'd get punished

Not because it wasn't allowed

But because she was ridiculed

And invalidated and made to doubt

Now imaging growing up

And holding on to everything

That feels heavy

Everything that hurts

You pick it up

You keep it in

You take your sadness and you sit

Because you don't know what to do with it

And then you start to grow up

And you become your own person

You let go of all these ideals

And make your own version

And it may seem like something is off

Like it doesn't quite fit

And you may start to think

So this is it?

But the hard truth is

That I have never learned how to communicate

How to set boundaries

How to instigate

A heartfelt conversation

How to tell you I've been hurt

But most of all

I never learnt

How not to hurt

And that, as you may guess

Has fucked up everything good

Has made my life a mess

I have lost friends over this

I have lost a home over this

A caretaker

A lover

No

Not just a lover

The love of my life

I'd give just about anything

To get five

Five more minutes

Of the past

Of any given moment

Where I could've made it last

I'd give anything

Just to hear him say

"You were never taught right"

And "it will be okay"

But nobody understands

How my fucked up mind works

How I see love and turn it into obsession

How I take what's good and ruin it

Until it's no more than a lesson

How I crave love but push people away

How I never leave a space

In the conversation to say

The things I need to hear the most

Instead they linger like a ghost

In the empty room I'm in

The only people I haven't lost

Are the ones who gave me this curse

This wretched heart that doesn't know

How to let go

And so the people in my life

Let me go

Or maybe that's a lie

Or maybe I forget

To hold on

Maybe because my arms

Are way too tired

To make them stay

But either way

My parents have always stayed.

At times from a distance.

But they always stayed.

They stay and they say;

"See all these people who left you?

That's why you need family.

Family never leaves."

But of course they would stay

For it were them who taught me

These wicked ways

And if they don't keep me close

Then only god knows

What would become of them

Because I'm the last one

That hasn't yet decided

Whether or not I'm done

With this bullshit

they keep feeding me

For a starved heart

Will drink any sort of love

That doesn't leave

#original #writing #poem #original work #writer #freeform #emotional abuse #mental abuse #family #toxic relationship #toxic love #toxic family #heartbreak #love #communication #free verse #i wrote this while cuddling with my snake

[troubledrobin]

Home is where the heart is

Home isn't always where we rest our head.

That fact has been on my mind lately.

Because I always fall asleep in your bed,

And wake up in camouflaged safety.

But nothing in here is mine,

except for my clothes on the floor,

My guitar in the corner,

And the handprints on the door.

This is not my home.

Home isn't always what we come home to.

I think it's a feeling rather than a place.

At the end of the day I always return to you,

Because to me 'home' is seeing your face.

But nothing in here is mine,

Except for the cigarettes in the ashtray,

The coasters and the mugs,

And whatever I brought along on monday.

This kind of feels like home.

Home isn't always where you were born.

I have three sets of keys, yet I'm always a guest.

It's no wonder I have the tendency to feel torn.

I feel lost, yet at the same time very blessed.

Because this stuff may not be mine,

But my heart belongs to you.

And if this is the place you call home,

Then I will too.

#poem #original #writing #original work #writer #broken home #love #love poem #free verse #freeform #home is where the heart is #out of place

[troubledrobin]

None of this is fair

It feels like I'm settling for second best

What does she have that I don't have?

None of this is fair

Because I still want him to come running back

And here I was, thinking I had my life on track

None of this is fair

Not to you, not to me and certainly not to him

It's been over a year and it just feels like wasted time

None of this is fair

#heartbreak #heartache #original #writing #original work #writer #freeform #poem #writers #writers of tumblr #jealousy #jelous #new love #its not fair #i miss him #sad #poetry #prosapoetica #prosa

[troubledrobin]

If writing is an intellects way of bleeding, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be dead.

My veins must have run dry with every word my heart has ever spilt about you.

Each and every wasted letter used to form pretty words, arranged like a poem - when really a disguised literary suicide is all it was. All it ever will be.

#original #writing #original work #writer #sad #freeform #depression #depressed #tw depressing stuff #heartbreak #heartache #tw suidice

[troubledrobin]

I have legs that can carry me anyplace I want

But I cannot go home.

I can walk the dirt from which grows the forest

Rest my feet upon the moss

Step over twigs, branches and flowers

But I will never stop feeling lost

I cannot go home.

I can feel the gentle pull of the tide

As I bury my feet deep in the sand

I can run and be seen or try to hide

But there's no place I can go to mend

I cannot go home.

I can visit a friend or kiss a stranger

Live my own life or be like a slave

I can live on the edge or avoid all danger

But nothing I do will ever make me feel safe

I cannot go home.

#original poem #writing #original #original work #writer #poem #original writing #original text #text #writers of tumblr #writers on tumblr #writers #feelings #broken home #lostsoul #emotions

[troubledrobin]

Here's the thing. I don't think I am depressed, necessarily.

I can laugh with my friends, enjoy sports, feel euphoria after a victory, look forward to things.

Here's the thing. I don't think I need help, necessarily.

I know how to pick myself up. I know how to wipe my tears away and recollect myself. I can talk about my feelings with my friends and they'll be there for me.

Here's the thing. That's not the whole truth, necessarily.

Sometimes when I drive my car on the highway, I fight the urge to steer straight into the guard rail. Now and then when I walk the dog, I think about throwing myself in front of the next car that passes. I heard it only takes 8 miles an hour to kill someone. There are days when I cross a bridge and I look over the edge and wonder if I have the guts to jump.

And it's not just a sporadic urge to die.

Most days when I wake up I don't want to get out of bed. Not because the bed is so comfortable, but because I was kind of hoping not to wake up at all. Not to have to live another day. Not to have to repeat this emptiness all over again.

Most days when I drive home, I take the long way, because I don't really want to be home. I drive slowly, to give myself more time to decide whether or not I want to drive into the next tree. But then I remember the dog is in the backseat and I don't want to hurt her.

I'm not going to do it.

But it crosses my mind so often that it has become normal. And that's what scares me the most. The fact that I tend to think about steering my car unto the other lane and drive into incoming traffic, and that the only reason I don't, is because I think about it rationally. Not because the thought saddens me. The thought doesn't make me feel anything. I don't feel anything.

Why have I stopped feeling anything?

#depression #depressed #original writing #writers on tumblr #feelings #i feel numb #original text #text #freeform #tw suidice #tw depressing stuff #may be triggering #writing #original work #writer #writers #writers of tumblr

[troubledrobin]

“You know I left a part of me in that city. With you. With all the memories I’ve made there. I remember the blinding intensity of the neon lights at night. The deafening noises of afternoon traffic. I’m convinced there’s still a whisper of my laughter at that coffee shop we used to go to. When they prepare your cup and ask you for your name, you have probably come close to saying mine a hundred times already. When you walk down the street, there has to be a shadow of my body dancing next to yours. An imprint of my fingers against your palm. The sound of my phantom footsteps that you can’t seem to shake. I bet you still hear the echo of a song I used to sing ringing through your empty apartment every now and then. Your sister always said it was too quiet anyway when I wasn’t around. I wonder if you like the quiet now. If you got used to it. If you found someone new to fill it. I wonder if you ever come across a part of me, whether or not I left it behind willingly, and regret any of the things we did. Just a little. Just for a second. I wonder if you’d be sad if you met me and realised I tried so hard to get rid of the parts you left behind with me that I erased a little of myself in the process.”

— parts / n.j.

[troubledrobin]

"Write clear and hard about what hurts."

Why? When I write, with every word scrawled unto the paper I etch the memory into my mind. So why write about what hurts? Why carve my brain with painful reminders?

Oh, right. Because it's what I do best. Because if I don't write about the sadness, the heartache or the occasional absence of feelings, I would not write at all.

Surely there must be more to me...

Life is not perfect, but it is not horrible either. It's not that I don't see the good in this world. I do. It's just that I have never learned how to convey happiness into words.

- 6 November 2019

#depressed #depressing quotes #original work #original text #original #writing #writers on tumblr #feelings #i feel numb #sad #quote

[troubledrobin]

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay.

No matter how many times I put on a smile. No matter how often I swallow down the lump in my throat. No matter how hard I try to hold back tears or force my voice through the cracks.

I'm not okay.

#sad #depressed #Depression #original #original text #original quote #not okay #i'm really not okay guys #I'm bawling my eyes out #i pretend to be fine #i pretend it does not exist #but god it exists and I'm just so sad

[troubledrobin]

Best friends are not supposed to fall in love

I am so confused, please make me understand.

Why do I like you as more than a friend?

 I know that I shouldn’t, yet the feeling is there.

My head is screaming but my heart doesn’t care.

 This feeling is new and it fills me with fear.

My heart starts racing whenever you’re near.

 But if it’s wrong, why does it feel so right?

Why do I linger when looking in your eyes?

 Why does your smile brighten my day?

Why are you so perfect in every single way?

 You are my best friend, for which I should be glad.

But I wish we could be more and it’s driving me mad.

 And what frightens me most of all,

Is the consequence of taking this fall.

 Because you love me as a friend,

and friends are not supposed to fall in love...

#love #best friend #poem #orignial #original text #original poem #forbidden love #lgbt #lgbtq+ #bestfriend #unrequited love #heartbreak #heartache

[troubledrobin]

Yes, of course it hurts. It fucking hurts, alright?

Why is it okay to admit to be in pain when you break your arm, yet when we suffer from a broken heart we have to pretend to be fine?

Your arm isn't even a vital organ.

#writing #original #original work #writer #writers #writers of tumblr #quotes #quote #heartbreak #i'm sad

[troubledrobin]

The things we never talk about

Everyone has emotional baggage and everyone has their demons. Usually people prefer to hide them. They stow their luggage neatly beneath their seat, where no one will trip over it. They carry their demons on their right shoulder, trying not to listen to the whispers as they go about their day.

But here's the thing; when you get to know someone, really get to know them - I'm talking 2 am phone calls about hopes and dreams and how they think the universe came into being - they let down their guard. They won't mind their baggage sticking out one side. They might not even mind stuffing the bags between their legs instead of under the seat. After a while, they'll leave it in plain sight. And if you're really patient, they'll even let you peek inside.

After a while they'll admit to having conversations with their demons. If you listen without judging, they'll start telling you what the conversation was about. And if you try to understand them, they'll let you in on all the secrets they share in hushed whispers, spoken over their shoulder.

Everyone has emotional baggage and everyone has demons. Have you ever shared yours with someone?

#emotional baggage #baggage #emotions #demons #inner demons #real talk #original writing #writing #writers of tumblr

[troubledrobin]

Humanity

We’re a small population on this planet earth

Destined to follow a certain path from birth

Where will this road lead our people?

Will it be a better place for all the feeble?

The earth is a stage, we’re all puppets here

Looking up and praying to our puppeteer

Yes, we humans are a funny creation

Always praying for this so called salvation

Who is going to clean up this mess we made?

All this pain and sorrow that we, ourselves, create

Seeing the people close to us as a bother

We never seem to agree with one another

Where one sees a victim, the other sees a liar

Something one despises, the other can admire

And as soon as we start to put labels on ourselves

We will be like dust covered books on abandoned shelves

Half unread and carelessly thrown away

Left to be forgotten and slowly decay

All we want is peace, to live in a paradise

To share our long lost love and forget our lies

As we claim to improve a nation

As we make promises to bring salvation

We don’t even realise that we’re lying

We don’t want to acknowledge that we’re not really trying

But is it truly love or peace we seek?

When we fight wars just not to seem weak?

We claim to make this world a little better every day

But all we really do is watch it fall apart and fade

Why can’t we all just learn to love and get along?

I guess that the creation of humans made the world go wrong

Because no matter how hard we pray

what we do and say when we are young

Once we get old enough to understand

We realise that we’re not that strong

#poem #writer #writing #writers of tumblr #original #original work #original poem #rhyme #society #humanity #labels

[troubledrobin]

I am stuck

between

wanting him to break your heart

and

loving you too much to see you get hurt

#quote #original quote #original #love #i love her #heartbreak #unrequited love

[troubledrobin]

You were no match for the divine

You were no match for the enthralling whispers of the divine.

Honeyed words promising immortality.

Alluring voices speaking of love

that'll outlast your vessel of flesh and bone

and fragile feelings.

It's nature's caress that pleads you to decline.

Yet it's the brittle voice of greed that convinces you

to live for eternity.

For centuries you will be loved.

For millennia you will be known.

But only for decades will you be happy.

The gods created us out of boredom, not out of love.

#poem #divine #god #gods #writing #writers #writers of tumblr #eternity #immortality #boredom #original #original writing #feelings #mortality #mortals #greed #humanity #nature

[troubledrobin]

Sometimes the truth gets stuck in my throat

You ask me why I can’t sleep.

And I want to tell you about how a stranger once robbed our house while I was taking a shower. I was fifteen years old and ever since my life has been a series of what if’s. What if I had left the shower two minutes earlier? What if this stranger was someone we knew? What if I hadn’t locked the bathroom door out of habit? What if my sister hadn’t left the kitchen door unlocked when she left, leaving me home alone without warning?

Ever since I have spent my nights listening to every single sound in the house, because I am terrified of burglars. Terrified because every nightmare ends with strangers entering my room and holding me down as they do unspeakable things to me. Terrified because some nights I can’t tell the difference between having a nightmare and being awake. Because sometimes when I wake up and turn on the lights, the people in my room don’t disappear. Because every time that happens I am frozen to the spot, unable to scream or run or do anything, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what would’ve happened if I had left the shower two minutes earlier that day.

But instead I tell you I’m worried about my deadlines.

You ask me if it feels good when you touch me like that.

And I want to tell you about how the last time someone touched me like that, right there, it hadn’t been consensual. I was nineteen years old and it took me way too long to tell him to stop. I didn’t know what to do. My body froze up and I let him touch me. I allowed him to roam his hands where I didn’t want them, because I couldn’t get my voice to work. And when I finally managed to speak up, it felt like I had encouraged his actions with my silence. It felt like it was my own fault for getting into that situation. Maybe it was. Even now I’m not so sure about it.

I was nineteen years old and when I confronted him about it the next day, he told me I had enjoyed it. I was so taken aback that the conversation ended there. It took me weeks before I finally told a close friend about it. They told me he had no right to do that. So why did it feel as if I was in the wrong?

But instead I tell you it feels good and I run my hands through your hair before kissing you.

You ask me why I’m always so loud.

And I want to tell you that in order to be heard in my family, you have to really speak up. In order to be listened to, you have to scream. It’s what I grew up to. Most of the time my mother is too busy talking over me to hear what I’m saying. Most of the time my voice fades under the weight of their opinions and nobody asks me what I wanted to say afterwards.

I want to tell you about how all these things happened to me, and how every single time my voice failed me. I want to tell you that my most common nightmares are about people wanting to hurt me, and me being unable to do anything other than beg them to stop. They never listen. It makes me feel utterly powerless.

But instead I tell you I’m enthusiastic and that I’ll try to tone it down.

 I tell you I’m worried about my deadlines and you pull me closer until our bodies fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. You don’t realise it, but you make me feel protected and I finally manage to stop listening to every tiny sound in the apartment.

I tell you it feels good and the kiss is gentle and passionate and your hands discover every inch of my body, but it’s consensual this time.

I tell you I’ll try to tone it down and you laugh it off and say that at least you’ll always know where to find me, you just have to listen to my voice.

And you'll never know how you manage to comfort me without even realising I needed it.

#freeform #verse #poem #poetry #writing #writers #original work #original #me too #consent #consensual #truth #honest thoughts #love #support #comfort #angst

[troubledrobin]

Parallel Universe

I wonder if there are parallel universes

With a milky way and stars

All identical to ours

Except for their moon, which moves in reverse

But overall the world would be better nor worse

 I wonder if my parallel-self shares my dreams

Where the stars can’t be found

Because the sky’s on the ground

And humans are reigned by machines

Does she, too, wake up in screams?

 I wonder if I am happy in another dimension

Where the birds don’t whistle the same

And being alone doesn’t come with such shame

Where people don’t go on about religious redemption

Where pain is just another human invention

#poem #writing #writer #poetry #random #text #rhyme #words #writers on tumblr #original