It never specifies what type of stone medusa turns you into, so for all we know medusa could be turning ancient greeks into solid diamond statues which she sells to fuel her opulent lifestyle. (source)

If the only job university education can get you is to teach the same subject you graduated at, it's basically a pyramid scheme. (source)

It's pretty amazing how many Ouija board ghosts are fluent and literate in English. (source)

Having sex in the Harry Potter universe must be awkward if there are paintings in the room. (source)

It's weird to think that your co-workers might be faking their personalities as much as you are. (source)

Dementia is gonna be insane for us. Nobody will understand why we keep talking about danger noodle and trash pandas. (source)

If OJ Simpson hadn't killed his ex-wife, the Kardashians would never have gotten famous. (source)

You know what's a great genderneutral word, "fucker". (source)

Growing up is realizing kids movies aren't just for kids. They're for people who don't want to watch a sex scene with their families. (source)

There have probably been lots of vampires hit by cars that are backing up because the drivers couldn't see them in their mirrors (source)

When a bottle of pills says Don't Operate Heavy Machinery While Taking, initially your mind goes to bull dozers not cars (source)

As annoying as it is, "it depends" is probably the most accurate answer to most questions. (source)

A true friend is someone you can tell to stop being a fucking idiot with no hard feelings (source)

Humanity likes to think that we are making order out of chaos, but in reality we are resisting the order of the universe because we find it unsatisfactory. In a sense we are making chaos out of order. (source)

Employers want a two week notice before you leave but don’t give a two week notice before they terminate you. (source)

Firefighters are the heroes cops claim to be. (source)

People with two prosthetic legs can regulate their own height (source)

Dragons don't really breathe fire, they just exhale it. That's like saying humans breathe carbon dioxide. (source)

Dig up someone who died yesterday and you're a criminal, dig up someone who died 1000 years ago and you're an archeologist (source)

Whoever coined the saying, "Money can't buy happiness" never had to buy anti-depressants. (source)