thismustbefakeme

[thismustbefakeme]

Throwing this fanart out there because I don’t know what else to do with it *toss*

#godsfavoriteprincess #shadowheart #baldurs gate fanart #fanart

[thismustbefakeme]

That one sliver of skin will sustain me for the rest of the year. MY GOD PEDRO

#I feel like a Victorian gentleman seeing an ankle #what a thing to wake up to #god bless his stylist Jfc I am unwell #pedro pascal

[thismustbefakeme]

WOW WOW WOW WOW this was AMAZING

Born lucky, under a bad star.

Summary: Joel has always been lucky, in the worst of ways.

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!Reader

Word count: ~13k (sorry)

Warnings: game!Joel, major spoilers for tlou part 2, angst with a happy ending, major injuries and recovery, anxiety, depression, relationship healing, mentions of death, mentions of violence, suicidal ideation

Disclaimers and A/N: Though this fic was based around some events in tlou part 2, almost all of the canon after the divergence from the canon timeline is thrown out. This fic is also based entirely around game events, characterization, and canon. This is honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever written. It took months and many many drafts, but I'm very proud of her. I hope you love her too, she was a labor of love.

As always, thank you for reading! I would love to know your thoughts! Please please please, be sure to leave feedback!

Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red. - Kait Rokowski.

The lights of the clinic are so bright they’re blinding.

Your hands are still shaking, covered in Joel’s blood. It’s been hours since you returned to the safety of Jackson’s walls but there’s still a frantic, frenetic energy in the air. Everyone is shaken. It feels a little like a thousand year old tree has been felled, like a giant has been swung at and leveled, like something monstrous and infallible has been brought to its knees. 

You’ve seen it happen before. Rebar right through his belly. It should have killed him. It would have killed anyone else. You’ve pulled more bullets out of Joel than you would care to count, and swaddled him in probably several football fields worth of bandages over the years.

Still, nothing like this.

Because Joel has always been lucky, even when he hadn’t wanted to be. 

Lucky, in all the worst ways. 

That fucking rebar, you think bitterly. It should have hit at least one organ, should have severed his fucking spine. But it didn’t. He walked it off, really, mostly, at the end of it all. 

This though — to see him tortured, beaten, bleeding to death slowly—

Your edge of your vision tips black, like your mind is already refusing to go back to that room, like you’ll pass out if you think of it for too long. 

A part of you wonders if maybe it’s your fault. Maybe you forgot to stick lavender in his pocket before he left that morning, like you always do.

Someone pushes the door open, snow swirls in against the tile. Voices, rising and falling. The cold that rolls through the tiny waiting room is frigid. 

It’s still so red, his blood, even dried and crusted around your fingers and up your wrists. 

Tommy is still bleeding and even Maria hasn’t been able to convince him to sit down and let someone look at him. No, all attention needs to be focused on his brother. Anyone with any medical know how, has to be with Joel. 

You agree. 

Tommy, you, anyone else—can fucking wait. 

Ellie is sitting next to you, looking just as numb and shocked as you feel, her fingers twined with Dina’s. 

The chatter reaches a crescendo. Something about the worsening storm, something about tracking folks with that big of a headstart through a storm like this one, something about the rapidly deepening darkness, night coming on, something about well who could do something like that anyway? Who the fuck would we even send? 

The quiet that follows is painful. 

Joel. 

Joel is the one you send. Joel is the one that could get a job like this one done, the one that could track people through a blizzard with a dogged determinism, with pragmatism and infallibility. 

“What did they want?” Someone asks the room at large. You aren’t sure who asks, you can’t make the shapes in the room resolve into people you know. “Why us? Why Joel? They wanted something right? Who were they?” 

You and Tommy look at each other, Ellie makes a half muffled, pained sound beside you. Joel crossed a lot of people, maybe there wasn’t any sense in guessing. 

No one answers. You look at your hands again and wonder if the crimson will ever fade.  

Someone says your name and you look up. A coat is tugged over your shoulders. You didn’t realize you were shivering and you don’t know what happened to your own coat. One of the patrolmen is looking at you, his name slips your memory but Jesse is standing behind him, Maria on the other side. 

You feel the ghost of Ellie’s hand against your arm. Odd, you think distantly, because she hates you. She has for a long time. 

“What happened?”

You look around, but Tommy isn’t where he’d been standing just a moment ago. Did they ask him, too? 

There’s a dark hole in your memory. 

“I don’t know.” 

And it’s the truth. 

There’s no one more dedicated, more involved, in keeping Jackson safe, than Joel. 

Aside from Tommy, maybe.

Joel is an effective killer, like an executioner with a mission. It’s the thing that scared Tommy the most about his brother, and it’s also the thing that had kept him alive long enough to get his second chance in Jackson. It’s the thing you have always loved most about Joel, the violence born of necessity. 

And, you suppose, that’s what he’d been. Dispatcher, destroyer.  

Protector. 

At the heart of it all, the meat of it is, that it had always been that with Joel. It had always been in the name of protect, provide, survive. He never shied away from telling you of his days as a hunter, or, something close to a hunter. And even then, it was keep Tommy alive, it was survive until Boston, it was we needed fucking food. 

Survive and provide and protect. 

Joel. 

Jackson had been wary of him, at first. The stories of his dealings with infected and raiders alike at odds with the way he moved in the commune, with kindness and a certain gentleness, a competency and dependability, with something so soft in his gaze when it came to that little girl he arrived with. 

That reticence and worry had dissolved as quickly as it had come. 

They describe him as quiet and funny, because he’s prone to good natured teasing. They describe him as fierce and short to anger, because no one can say a word about him or his. They describe him as wonderfully dependable, ask Joel for something on a supply run and you would have it in short order; sigh about the state of something in your home and it would be taken care of, fixed, the very next day.

Jackson loves Joel.

Especially that softened up, gentle creature that had emerged in the wake of everything that had happened between Boston and Jackson. Joel had always had a soft interior, trotted out in brief glimpses over the years, but the shell he wore had been so thick and sharp it was near impenetrable, nearly unknowable. 

Ellie is around plenty in those first couple of weeks after. She even takes to sleeping on the living room couch. She doesn’t say much to you or Joel, hardly anything at all, but she’s there and you figure that’s what matters. It seems like she isn’t sure what to say, and desperate for the connection that nearly shattered. 

The first few days when Joel comes home from the clinic, someone knocks on the front door every couple of hours and you open it and have the same conversation over and over and over again. It’s always people worriedly asking after Joel’s wellbeing, dropping off food, expressing their anger that something like this could happen to one of their own, that it could happen to someone so widely and wildly beloved.

When the knocks finally stop coming, and you can convince Tommy to go home to Maria, before Maria has to walk over and collect her husband again, you take the stairs slowly up. 

You’re exhausted. You hardly sleep and when you do, you have nightmares of Joel. Formless, mind numbing dreams that you can never remember when you wake up gasping. You aren’t sure if Joel dreams of it, too. He’s always mumbled in his sleep, eyes flickering behind closed lids, so it’s hard to tell. 

And he hasn’t really been coherent enough, awake enough, to ask, anyway. 

“Hey,” Ellie says when you round the doorway into the bedroom, lowering the comic book in her hands. She’s beside Joel, sitting on your side of the bed, back against the headboard. “Sleeping again.” 

“Was he awake?” 

“A little. Drank some water.” 

Despite the tension of the last few years, you know she’s thinking of another time that Joel had slept a lot, injured and only half alive. 

Now isn’t like then, but in some ways, it’s worse. 

You nod and take a seat at the edge of the bed by her feet. “That’s good,” you reassure her. “It’s a good thing that he’s sleeping. He needs it.”

Ellie just holds up the comic in her lap and then jerks her chin at the box on the bedside table, Joel’s glasses and book about space pushed aside. “I, uh, found them in the study.” 

You shrug. “He always picked up any he found on supply runs.” You watch her from the corner of your eye and then shift your gaze to Joel. The slow rise and fall of his chest is reassuring in its steadiness, though you hate how still he is. 

The skin by his temple is puckered and red, the stitches a neat little row up to his hairline. It still looks raw as a live nerve, the swelling extending to his eye, purple and shadowed in a dark bruise that trails down his cheek and jaw. 

“He never said—” She stops and shakes her head. “So stupid.” 

“Well,” you scoot closer and pat her extended leg. “You didn’t exactly want to talk then. We tried giving them to you, once. Left them outside your door. They got a little rained on.” 

“Yeah,” she says, mouth twisting to the side. “Some of them are. . .can’t fucking peel the pages apart.” In that moment, she sounds like that little kid you left Boston with, being told not to touch something and doing it anyway.

That might have been when you fell in love with Ellie, watching her snap at Bill, and watching Joel react like any father would. It had come back to him so quickly, so naturally. 

There’s a long pause in which Ellie flips rapidly through the comic book and doesn’t say anything, her fingers nervous. She looks how you feel — exhausted. “Why don’t you go get some sleep in your own bed?” You ask, reaching out to twitch a fallen lock of auburn hair behind her ear. “You’re just across the yard. If anything happens, you’ll know.” 

She looks up at you, eyes flicking over your face. “I was fucking mad at you too, you know,” she whispers suddenly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

You drop your hand and shake your head before looking back at Joel. He sleeps deeply now, deeper than you thought possible for someone like him, even drugged and injured. 

There’s a knot tangled in your chest, that only tightens further with her question. “It wasn’t my place. He didn’t. . .he didn’t say anything to me about it for a long time, either. Wouldn’t explain what happened while we were separated. He told me the same lie. And you were going to be mad at me, too, no matter what. It had to be between the two of you.” 

“And you think he was right,” she accuses hotly. 

“And,” you level your eyes to hers, “I think he was right.” You dip your head. “I wouldn’t change anything, Ellie. I wouldn’t. You know Joel wouldn’t either. You matter more than that.”

Her bottom lip trembles for just a second. “Even knowing this happens?!” She gestures around the room, maybe just the situation at large. 

Some of the tension knotting up your shoulders bleeds away. “He’s still here. It’s not too late.” She glances away and sucks in a harsh breath. You wait until she meets your eyes again. “And Ellie, it is not your fault. It’s not. None of it.” 

“It almost was.” Her voice is strained. “Too late.”

You shrug. “He knows you care. Trust me, he does.” 

She scrubs roughly at her eyes with the sleeves of her hoodie. “Yeah, uh, well, I’m still gonna sleep on the couch.” 

“Why don’t you just stay right here, then? With Joel?” You ask and stand. “I’ll take the couch tonight.” 

It is the ultimate admission of how scared she is, that she does not argue, doesn’t even try to.  

For the first few weeks after the attack, Joel is in and out of consciousness. He sleeps much more than he’s awake.

And, it’s hard to tell, at first, why he’s sleeping so much. The pain medicine? That carefully doled out, nearly impossible to come by miracle drug — was it just knocking him out? Was he just sleeping because that’s what his body needed? Or, was it something deeper? Brain damage? 

“He’s fucking. . .old!” Ellie says to you one morning around a mouthful of toast. It’s kind of odd, how easily she’s taken to old routines. And how weird the old routine is, because the third piece of your puzzle is missing, sleeping. “Old people take longer to heal, right?” 

Right. 

But he’s also Joel. And he isn’t that old. 

It feels wrong, that he’s so still and silent. 

“It’s not—” Her fist opens and closes. She sets down the toast in her other hand on the plate and turns, pacing the length of Joel’s kitchen, fidgeting with her fingers as she goes, white morning light slatting over her. You eye the toast. It’s hard to get her to eat, these days but you figure most of one piece is better than nothing. “His leg. It’s not infected or something, right? We’d know if it was.” 

“It’s not infected,” you agree. When your own hands start to shake, you set down your mug, afraid to drop it or spill hot tea all over the floor, and make Ellie even more anxious in the process. 

You don’t like to talk about it. You don’t like to think about it. The memories are like a hot brand. 

The staircase creaks with the heavy thud of footsteps, before Tommy appears in the kitchen archway. You’ve always thought Tommy and Joel resembled each other, but now you see similarities in the kinds of expressions they make, too, the quirks in their movements that only siblings could share, and Tommy is sometimes a little hard to look at. 

“Heading out?” 

“Yeah, he’s, uh, sleepin’ again.” He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms over his chest.

Ellie doesn’t say anything, just slips past Tommy and heads up the steps. Tommy looks after her and then back at you. “She won’t say it but she doesn’t like leaving him alone,” you explain. 

Tommy nods and then pushes away from the door to settle at the kitchen table. “Well, I don’t like the idea of it either. Good she’s with him.” He tips the chair onto its back legs and tilts his head. “How ya holdin’ up?” 

“Probably about as good as you are.” 

He huffs a bitter laugh. “Yeah. Maria told me you want off partols.” 

You swallow and look away from him as you take the seat across from him at the table. “I - I know we’re down people already but I can’t. . .Tommy I can’t even look at the goddamn gate without feeling like—” You shake your head. “I just don’t think I can do it. I’d get somebody killed.” 

“All right,” he says, not unkindly. “We’ll figure it out. It’s okay.” 

A burn starts at the back of your eyes so you stand again and swipe your fingers against your cheeks. “You want coffee before you head out?” 

“Nah, save that for Joel.” Then, “How you think this is gonna go? When he’s awake more?”

“I don’t know. You’d know better than me.” 

Tommy laughs. The chair scrapes against the linoleum as he stands. He looks tired, and worried. It’s an odd look on him. It isn’t like Tommy at all. You and Tommy have always bonded over teasing Joel. There’s none of that now. 

“Like hell. You’ve spent the last fifteen years with him, not me.” 

“He’s your brother.” 

“And you’re the love of his damn life.” He pauses and leans on the counter next to you. 

That makes your mouth twitch, the pleasantly warm feeling in your chest consumed in the next second by a lancing pain that can only be an approximation of grief for someone and something that still breathed. 

“I just can’t help worryin’,” he continues. “This might be enough for us, but not for him. If Joel can’t ever do anything again—”

“He just needs time, Tommy,” you cut him off quickly. Not able to stomach the thought. “We’ll figure it out. He’ll figure it out,” you say with more conviction than you feel. “We can probably figure something like a prosthetic out. People have been making them for thousands of years. We can do it. It’ll be fine. But it’s going to be different.”

Tommy’s right. You’ve spent the last fifteen years with Joel. You aren’t sure who you are without him anymore. You aren’t sure you know how to get along without him anymore. And you never want to have to find out. “He’s alive,” you finish with a nod. “Everything else, we can figure out.” 

He nods. “You think we shoulda went after ‘em?”

“Maybe. But this is more important.” 

Before he goes, Tommy wraps you in a hug. “So long as you and that girl stick around, it’ll be all right.”

“Ellie’s been playing the guitar up there,” you answer. 

He nods and pulls back, one big hand clapping down on your shoulder. “See? Things might be all right yet. Always told Joel she’d come around eventually.” He releases you and heads toward the door then. “And get some sleep. Y’look terrible,” he calls over his shoulder. “Orders from Maria.” 

For the first time in weeks, Joel wakes with some semblance of clarity. The bedroom is warm and dark, the tiniest pool of light washing over the form next to him from a little light plugged into the wall.

It’s the nightlight he found for Ellie when they first got to Jackson and her nightmares gave her more grief than she cared to admit to. 

His whole body aches. He feels sick. 

The sharpness of the pain is disorienting. He’s only been awake in brief, muddled flashes, the dulled fingers of drugged pain lancing through him and consuming most of his thoughts. He’d only been awake long enough to eat or drink or be helped to the bathroom like some kind of damn—

He remembers Tommy at his bedside. He hears the ghost notes of music in the air, your voice in his ear, the gentle slide of warm fingers over his skin. He remembers Ellie reading aloud, curled on her side next to him, like she used to do when she was younger, like when they’d stop for the night on the road.

That can’t be right, though. She hasn’t done that in years. She wouldn’t do something like that. Not anymore. 

You’re next to him now, face tilted against the edge of his pillow. It’s hard to make you out in the dark, the shape and slope of your features hidden in the dim light. 

When he says your name, you twitch, the slightest wrinkle to your nose, the tiniest spasm of your fingers against the sheets. “Darlin’,” he tries again. His voice grinds, catches and snags around his teeth. It feels like he hasn’t spoken in years. 

He reaches for you and it’s agony, because his shoulder must be broken. His ribs contract painfully right, like the shrapnel of the bone is digging up into his lungs, piercing his heart. But your skin is soft and warm, pliant, beneath his fingers. It smells like you’ve been burning sage again. He wants to burrow his fingers beneath your skin, you’re so warm. 

The cut of your cheekbones are sharper, the angle of your jaw reminds him of winter in the QZ, winter traveling with you and Ellie. Discolored circles line the space beneath your eyes like little hollows. You look exhausted, wan. 

You blink, slowly at first, then more rapidly. “Joel?” Your voice is a whisper, like the dark is stealing it away. 

Your fingers slide through the backs of his against your cheek when you shift closer, so careful about it, until you’re pressed to his side. “Joel,” you repeat, eyes sliding shut, forehead against the edge of his sore jaw.

He breathes you in, the warm scent of your skin, the smells of hearth and home, lavender and sage and woodsmoke. He closes his eyes for just a second when you shift up and tilt your forehead against his, breath whispering against his chin. “Joel.” 

“You all right?” His voice still sounds rocky but clearing it doesn’t seem to help any.

Slowly, you sit up, hand still in his when you pull it away from your face. “You’re asking me that? You’re kidding, Joel,” your voice creaks. You’ve never really been a crier, but there’s a thickness in your mouth, softening out the vowels and snapping at the consonants. “Are you - We didn’t want you to be in pain. But you’ve been sleeping for so long, we gave you a lower dose so that—” 

“I feel okay,” he interrupts your fretting, sweeping his thumb against the back of your hand. “Considerin’.” 

You swallow and nod. “Hungry?” You glance at the window, where a gray, pale morning light is starting to leech into the room, the color of dirty snow. 

“Yep.” He wishes you’d keep your eyes on him. “If you’ve got somethin’ ready.” 

“We have anything you want,” you assure him. “Anything.” 

Joel nods and attempts to push himself up next to you, chest and shoulder aching something awful. He bites back a groan but it still pushes past his teeth.

“Careful,” you say sharply. Before he can protest, you’re up and around the bed, one hand behind his back. “Your shoulder is broken in a million places.” 

“A million?” He grunts. 

“Three.” 

“That ain’t a million.” 

You don’t laugh and your hand doesn’t move from his back. “And broken ribs. Now lean back.” He does as you ask, real careful about it so you don’t worry.

An odd feeling creeps up inside his chest, dulled by the lighter dose of pain medicine coursing through his veins. It ain’t just a sick feeling, but something else. A helplessness, maybe. It feels wrong, in more ways than one. 

Joel becomes acutely aware of what he already knows, every single injury, the graveness of them. He knows about the broken shoulder and ribs that had to be reset, torn skin that had to be stitched together, that he has internal bruising but by some miracle no internal bleeding. His face throbs suddenly, his temple tight with pain. He feels his heartbeat behind his eye and in the swelling in his cheek. 

And, the worst of it, leg amputated to just above the knee. Sick crawls up the back of his throat. He doesn’t dare look. 

The feeling in his chest swells until it chokes him. 

Helpless, useless — something hard and fanged digs into his mind. It feels like grief, but what is he supposed to be mourning, exactly? 

Everything, maybe. 

His whole damn life. 

“I’m fine,” he grunts suddenly. Sharply. “Quit fussin’.”  

He feels like fucking crying. 

“Just - shut up, Joel,” you snap back. “You almost fucking died.” 

A fist curls around his throat, warm and tight. He almost can’t breathe through it. “Yeah,” he croaks, voice breaking the word in two.  

“Yeah,” you snarl. “So shut up and let me fuss.” 

You turn and leave before he can say anything else, footsteps rapidly descending the stairs. Voices trundle up, creased and folded, rising but muffled. You’ve always been mean when you got scared, ever since Joel can remember. You were mean as hell when he first met you, a hissing kind of frustrated, new to the QZ and new to trying your hand at smuggling. 

You’ve softened up over the years. He hasn’t seen you like this in a long time, maybe not since you got separated in Salt Lake City. 

More footsteps, this time heavy, stomping, coming upwards. 

Ellie appears in the doorway a second later. Her hair is messy; her eyes are wild. She’s in sweatpants and a shirt that’s too big for her. She looks tired but unharmed. The knot tangled up around his lungs eases just a little. “Hey, kiddo.” He tries not to sound surprised. 

Her eyes flick over him and then away. She doesn’t answer, but she doesn’t leave either. Instead she picks up a book from the corner of the dresser and settles in the chair across the room. 

A firm but unyielding presence. 

He closes his eyes, tips his head back against the wall, and tries to push down the feeling of failure rising in his throat like a tide. 

Joel’s fingers are clumsy. 

He can’t walk, can’t work, can’t do much of anything without irritating every ligament and tendon and bone in his body. 

But even worse than that, he can’t remember how to play the guitar. 

And nothing makes him feel so helpless as that. 

Even after not playing for twenty odd years, the notes and the placement of his fingers on the strings and frets had come back easily to him, almost like he’d never stopped playing at all. 

Now, it doesn’t. 

In part his shoulder is to blame. Even nearly healed, it’s stiff. But the other part of it is that he can’t remember how to play. Every note seems wrong, and he can’t decide if he’s hearing it wrong, if there’s something wrong with his hearing, his perception, or if the note really is just wrong. 

Ellie plays for him, instead. 

It’s easier than talking. Neither of them are really good at that, anyway. He’s just glad she’s around at all. 

He can’t help but think of that last conversation he’d had with her on the back porch, that she wants to try to forgive him, even if she thinks she might never be able to. He supposes this is her way of trying her hand at that.

Sometimes he wonders if it would be like this if he hadn’t almost died, if he wasn’t collecting sympathy from everyone like there was some kind of shortage. Maybe that conversation on the porch would have meant nothing, otherwise. 

The thought hurts him, no matter how glad he is that she’s there. 

One evening, pretty late, as snow peppers down through the early winter black that curtains the window, she stops playing. 

The living room is quiet, aside from their breathing and the crackle of flames in the fireplace. 

“I was going to invite you over to watch a movie.” 

The metallic twang of the last note she plucked hangs in the air. 

“I was - I was going to fucking ask you to watch a movie with me. That night. One of those dumb action movies you like. Like the ones we used to watch, remember? Curtis and Viper 2.”

She doesn’t look at him. She stares at her fingers, idly, nervously, twisting the tuning pegs of the guitar. “Think I saw that one before,” he answers, voice a little choked. “Pretty good.” 

Ellie rolls her eyes and doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. “Yeah, you would think so, old man,” she replies eventually but still doesn’t look up, her mouth twisting to the side. “I just - don’t want you to think I’m only here because you—” She shakes her head, and props the guitar against the wall before she stands and paces the room twice, toying with her fingers in that way she always has. “I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. Even when I was really mad.”

“Ellie,” he says but she doesn’t seem to hear him. “I know.” 

“Anyway, I meant what I said.”

“Ellie.”

“I wanted things to get better. I wanted to try. I was going to.” 

“Ellie.” 

She spins suddenly toward the front door, one hand on the back of her neck, rubbing awkwardly. “I gotta get going.” 

“Kiddo.” This time she turns and finally looks at him. The scent of pine and smoke fills the room. The red of the flames flash across her face, so serious and anxious. 

When they first came to Jackson, they spent a lot of nights on the couch together. His neck always ached the next morning from sleeping upright but he’d never complain about it. Then the distance between them had grown, and he doesn’t know when the last time something like that had happened. 

But that same distance is slowly shrinking now, even if things might never, never be the same again. 

So many times when he looks at her, he still sees that fourteen year old kid. He’d had the same problem with Sarah, looking at his twelve year old and seeing her at five and eight. It was just how it went, being a parent. 

“I know, Ellie,” he reassures her. “I do. It’s all right. Even if you didn’t mean a word of it, it’s all right. I meant what I said, too.”  

And even though she said she needed to leave, she nods and sits down again. She plucks a few notes out on the guitar when she pulls it back into her lap. 

“D'ya still wanna watch it?”

She does. 

Joel is whittling.

It is decidedly not going well. 

He’s too distracted for it. He never realized how much pressure settled on his shoulder, how much it pulled at the muscle around his ribs, from doing something as simple as this, and he doesn’t like the nausea that comes with the pain. 

But it’s something he can do, so he does it. 

It’s snowing outside again, wind raking against the siding, rattling the window panes. There’s a thin stream of air coming in around the window’s frame, cold. 

His hands are chapped and raw, blood pooling at the seams of his knuckles. 

The fix would be easy enough, but everything he needs to do it is in the basement. And the basement is a near impossible location for him to reach, so he puts up with it, hands growing more frustrated by the second because he wants to fucking fix it. 

You use the office, his work space, often enough, and it’s one thing for him to be cold and uncomfortable, but another thing entirely for you to feel that way. 

But he can’t make it down to the living room without help these days, let alone down two flights of stairs to the basement, and then back up them, too.

“Joel?”

He glances over his shoulder to find you standing in the doorway. You have a pair of shears in your hands. 

“Still want me to cut your hair?”

He wants to do it himself. But you’d offered earlier, because you’ve been doing it for him for a long time, for years and years now. And he’d always liked it because your hands are kind with it and you’re better at doing it, anyway. But now it just feels like one more thing he can’t do for himself, one more thing he’s relying on someone else for, and that makes guilt and shame choke him. 

Joel can’t seem to do a damn thing, not for himself, but, worse, not for anyone else either. 

“Joel?” You ask again when the silence stretches until it’s uncomfortable. “I don’t have to; you can do it yourself.”

He shakes his head. “No, it’s all right, darlin’.” You start forward when he labors up from the chair, teeth gritted, but quickly stop when he meets your eyes, warning you away with a glance. 

You don’t say anything else, just back out the door and pad down the hall to the bathroom. 

He isn’t sure if your feelings are hurt or not, all his focus directed on hauling himself upwards and then limping down the hall with one crutch under his arm. Feeble threads of pain lance up his leg, centering in his joints, the hinge of his knee. The space under his arm is sore too, from the crutch, even wrapped in cloth. 

Joel is used to pain. He’s used to temporary aches, the sharp stab of healing wounds, the quick rip of a bullet or knife through skin, chronic pains from age and long healed injuries. On cold days, his side aches something fierce, like that rebar never really came out of him. 

But this pain is different, without origin, and he’s having a hard time adjusting to it. Or maybe he’s just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is not a healable injury, at least, not in the way he wants it to be. 

For the rest of his life, he will be disabled. He’ll never get back to himself, never be what he once was. 

The bathroom light is gold. It washes his skin into a better color, not so pale and strained and pained looking. 

He hates looking in the mirror now. Joel never considered himself particularly good looking, never thought about it much, really. And, for most of his life, looks haven’t really mattered anyway. 

But seeing his reflection now is a reminder of his failures. It’s a reminder of everything he can’t do.

His whole body is nothing but reminders. 

He is a patchwork quilt of scars. 

He doesn’t know how you can stand to look at him. But you just brush your hands through his hair when he leans the crutch against the counter and sits heavily on the stool you dragged upstairs. 

The bathroom is thick with the scent of lavender and earth. Every winter it turns into a makeshift greenhouse, all the plants that can’t survive the winter dragged inside for the season. 

The feeling of your hands through his hair is soothing and the tension in his shoulders slides away. 

“I can do it myself,” he grumbles, despite himself, and without conviction when you run a comb through his hair. 

You hum under your breath, not really paying him any mind. You know he doesn’t really mean it. Even if he feels like a fucking burden for it, it’s something you’ve always done for him, so it’s a little easier for him to accept. “I know. I like to.” You tilt his chin up and Joel steadfastly avoids looking in the mirror. “Besides, I’m better at it. You take to it like it’s a hack job.”

The trim doesn’t take long, since he keeps his hair longer anyway. It’s mostly an excuse for you to rake your fingers through his hair. 

“The window needs fixin’,” he says when you slide in front of him and set about trimming his beard without asking. That’s fine, too. “I know you been, uh, kinda cold in that room.” 

“It’s not so bad,” you say when you finish with him, brushing your fingers against his cheeks and then through his hair. You smile, eyes crossing his face, tracing his features like a well known map, before you twitch a lock of hair away from his forehead. “You gonna fix it for me or what?” 

“Mighty big ask of ya,” he grouses, irritation itching at the edge of his mind. 

You’re still smiling faintly, touching his face, the curl of hair behind his ear, the scar along his hairline and then the one over his nose. 

“I just can’t see how,” you say and Joel almost snaps. He wants to. He wants to say you don’t fucking get it, that you don’t want to get it, that it’s different now. He wants to say he’s not the man you’ve always known, that shit ain’t as easy as it’s always been. He can’t do shit for you, anymore, and isn’t that the reason you’ve stuck around all these years? 

But then you continue. “I left that damn caulking gun on the side table three days ago.” 

“You what?” 

You shrug. “Thought you might have noticed it too. And I’ve always been so bad at that stuff.” 

The guilt that settles in him is heavy, but familiar. The shape of it is different, but it's still like shrugging on an old coat, it’s so natural and intimate.

He must be destined for some kind of failure, born under a bad star, something.

Everything he touches falls apart, no matter what he does. Everyone he holds dear, leaves him, one way or another, somehow. His mama, Sarah, and then Tommy, and then Tess. Most recently Ellie, though maybe things there were being mended. Maybe you were next, soon as you came to your senses. 

Joel has spent most of his life taking care of people. And when he wasn’t taking care of people, he was moving, working. He hardly ever sat still. He didn’t have time to sit still. 

Not before the outbreak, and certainly not after. 

Even in Jackson where the pace of the world is slower, he was always busy. If he wasn’t on patrol, he was on wall duty, looking after Jackson’s security. Or, he was fixing something for someone, building something, helping with the horses. If he wasn’t doing any of that, he was improving his house, he was working on a new carving, he was playing the guitar.  

Healing up, it’s involved a whole lot of sitting still and feeling useless. It had involved a lot of other people fussing over him. 

A lot of sitting still and feeling like he was failing everyone he knew. Like he had already failed everyone he knew. For all the effort he put into it, it would never be enough. He cares wrong, he loves wrong, and now he can’t even do that. 

He fails you in this, too. Of wishing he could accuse you of all the things he thinks of himself. 

Joel knows you think of it too, you just haven’t gotten frustrated enough with him to say it yet. You haven’t had the full weight of his broken, uselessness on you, yet. 

That day will come. There’s no way it won’t, because he can’t do for you what he’s always done, what he was put on this god forsaken earth to do. The one thing he’s always been able to do. Not just for you, but for everyone. Ellie, Tommy and his family, Jackson at large. 

It’s always been the thing he could point to and say look, this is why I am like this, this is why you need me, why I’m around. You survived because of me. Because I made sure you did. 

So he’s not worth much now, really, and all the promises he made you and all the promises he made to himself, he can’t keep them anymore. And isn’t that why you stuck by him all these years? Despite all his shortcomings? 

“Sorry, darlin’,” he cups your face in his hands, smoothes his thumbs over your cheeks, the hinge of your jaw. “I’ll get right on fixin’ that for you.” 

“I know you will. Thank you, Joel.” The full weight of your head tips into his hands, and your eyes slide shut. His hands are large against your jaw, scarred and calloused, harsh. Reminders, maybe, of what he used to be. He looks at the hollows beneath your eyes, the raw, worried skin of your bottom lip. 

You don’t sleep anymore and when you do you have nightmares. You hate to leave the house. And sometimes you flinch even when nothing is happening around you, like memories are snapping at your heels. 

He did all that to you, too. Terrible gifts he’s given and can’t take back.

When he glances back up to your eyes, you’re staring at him, a worried, anxious kind of look lodged there that he absolutely hates. 

“What?” He asks, smoothing his thumbs over your cheeks and then the delicate hinge of your jaw.

“Nothing.” Your eyes shift away from his, and you twitch in his grasp. He already knows what you’re about to say, because you’ve never gotten better at saying it, just like him. He doesn’t need you to say it, but you do anyway, and he hates how much he likes hearing it. It’s like a ray of golden sun. “I love you, Joel,” you murmur and hook your hands around his wrists.  

For a long time, you just look at him, the silence is heavy with unsaid words, but he isn’t sure which of you is the one not saying something. “That enough?” He eventually grunts. “For you?”

You frown. “Why wouldn’t it be? Do you think it’s not?” 

It shouldn’t be. All those promises stack up in his mind again, everything he can’t keep.  

“It shouldn’t be.” 

You pull his hands away from your face with a shake of your head and lean in to kiss him. Your lips part softly against his, the hitch of your breath sweet against his mouth. The heat of you is so close and intoxicating, it’s something he never wants to have to give up, not when your thumbs are pressed to the pulse in his wrists, and not when you taste like apple, honey. 

He shakes one of your hands away to wrap his arm around your back and pull you closer, until the warmth of your body is pressed securely to his chest. Your tongue slides against his, teeth nipping gently at his bottom lip. Something warm floods his cheeks and his chest goes tight. 

When you pull back, you tug on a piece of his hair then touch the blush pinking on his face. “You look real handsome, Texas.”  

He tucks his forehead against your collarbone, and you fold your hands against the back of his head. “It’s enough,” you say. “Always has been.” 

The next day, he finds that most of his tools have been relocated upstairs, either to one of the cabinets in the living room, or to the office upstairs. 

Either way, he no longer has to traverse two staircases down and back up. 

He isn’t sure when you had the time to do it, or why he didn’t at least hear you doing it. 

Joel’s chest swells with love for you, right alongside the guilt that does nothing but grow. 

He fixes the window. 

Some days are easier than others.

He has good days and bad, and some of the bad days are worse than others. He sows the feelings up inside himself, cocoons the bad away inside his chest. It’s easier that way. And it’s necessary now. It’s just another thing you’d have to deal with. 

He’s never been good at saying the things that needed said, anyway. 

He tries not to snap at you. He’s trying not to get mean, and he can’t just walk away like he used to be able to when his mind got messy. But he’s been failing because he wants you to fight with him, wants you to hate him. 

Joel wants you to say that he fucking failed, that he’s been failing his whole life at the one thing he was supposed to be able to do. The one thing he’s really good for. 

“Stop it,” Joel snarls one day in the spring, when you offer your hand down the steps to the living room. 

He doesn’t mean to snap at you like that, but he doesn’t take it back either. He’s in too much pain. And he doesn’t want to admit it. 

The smile slips off your face as you step back from him, a stoney expression sliding over your face instead. It’s routine, you helping him, and maybe that’s the problem. He grits his teeth, that look reminds him of Boston, reminds him of the time before you used to trust each other. 

“I ain’t helpless.” 

You raise your hands and take another step back, looking away from him as you do. 

The breeze that comes in the landing’s open window is cool. It isn’t quite warm enough for the window to be open but the house needs airing out after such a long winter, such a hard winter. The air is crisp with the scent of pine and the lavender hung in dried clumps above each doorway. 

“I know, Joel.”

When he looks at you, you visibly brace yourself. 

A wave of self-hatred so hot it burns immediately follows the guilt. But it also doesn’t stop the angry, frustrated pulse beneath the surface of his skin, pressing against the back of his teeth. 

“I don’t know why you didn’t just leave me there.” The words are bitter, poisonous. Accusatory. “You should have left me to fuckin’ die.”  

Whatever you might be expecting him to say, it isn’t that. Your breath catches hard. 

You can be cruel, too. He waits for your anger, the burn of words he deserves to hear, something mean and hateful but true. 

But the words don’t come; your anger doesn’t come. You just look tired and empty, sad. 

You pace the landing, the soft shush of your footsteps echoed by the creaking of the floorboards. Your silence pricks at him. He wants you to scream at him, blame him, for failing, for being so fucking stupid. 

“What if it was me?” 

Your voice is so low, he almost doesn’t catch your words. 

The quiet of your footsteps come to a halt. “What if it had been me, Joel? It could have been. It could have easily been me. They knew who you were. We’ve done a lot of the same shit. We’ve made a lot of the same enemies over the years.” 

Your hands are shaking, your breath comes in quick little pants. The acrid, bone aching feeling of cresting anxiety and panic floods the little landing. “Me and you and Tess, we were kind of a package fucking deal. So, what if it was me?” 

The breeze sliding through the open window feels different now. Colder, older, more brutal. 

“That’s fuckin’ different and y’know it,” he snarls. 

“Why?” Anger floods your face, the curl of your fingers harsh against your arms when you cross them. “Why would that have been different? Because you think I always need to be taken care of?” 

He doesn’t answer. He looks away from you, but he can’t go anywhere. He’s at your mercy and you both hate it.

Joel leans heavily against the wall, his right hand curling around his left wrist, a nervous, anxious tick he’s never been able to shake. 

“Tell me,” you beg. “Say it, Joel. How is it different? Why?” 

He shakes his head once, slowly, and doesn’t look up at you. “You can say it,” you continue, your voice eerily quiet. “You never trusted me to have your back.”

That ain’t it at all. 

It’s not your failure. It’s his, in every single way. He doesn’t blame you or Tommy or Ellie or anyone else. He doesn’t believe for a second that you don’t know that. 

It would have been better, probably, if he died. 

He doesn’t understand the guilt you feel. 

He can’t take care of you anymore, can’t protect you anymore. 

Worse, he can’t do that for his kid. 

If he’d died, maybe that final sacrifice would have been enough to make up for everything else. Maybe it would all just be done.

He’s the one breaking promises, not you, just like he always has been. 

Sometimes, when he thinks of Sarah, he can only remember her final moments. He can’t think of anything else but her blood, how red it was in the dark. He can’t think of anything else than what could have been. He can only see the halo of that mounted flashlight glaring into his eyes, his own voice pleading. Please don’t. 

If he’d just been shot, he would have died first, he wouldn’t have ever known how bad he failed in that moment. He would have died first, like a parent was supposed to. No good father should ever outlive his kid.

Maybe, this had been his second chance, to finally die first. 

Born lucky, bad star, like always. 

So, what would he do, if it had been you? He’d have taken care of you, just like you’re doing for him. But that is not anathema to him; that is just how things are supposed to go. It wouldn’t have been a failure. 

He’s no use to you anymore, no use to anyone.

He doesn’t say any of that. 

Instead, he nods. 

“You’re right.” He shrugs and pain splinters across his shoulders. “It would have been different.” 

Your expression flickers blank and you turn away. It would have been easier to stomach if you screamed at him, if you slammed a door. 

But you’re just quiet. 

Once, during the late autumn, when you were traveling with Joel and Ellie, you noticed Joel wasn’t eating. 

Food was in short supply. None of the houses or buildings you looted turned up anything edible, and wild game had been elusive for weeks as the weather turned wetter and chillier. 

You’d noticed him doing it a few times before, but nothing like then. Joel would dole out carefully rationed food and not allocate any to himself. The bags under his eyes deepened. His temper was shorter. He’d gotten pale and hollows appeared in his cheeks that meant he hadn’t been getting enough. Joel had always been huge, broad and strong and tall, with thick arms and thighs, but when he dropped weight, it always showed in those little hollows first.

Then, one evening, after clearing out a barn of infected, he’d stumbled, hand to his forehead, pale as you’d ever seen him. “Christ,” he’d mumbled. 

“Joel?” Ellie’s voice had pitched up with worry. She’d looked at you, and said, “He hasn’t been eating.” The words were all a rush, accusatory and begging for you to do something. 

“Ellie—” He’d growled. 

“I know she’s right, Joel,” You’d interrupted with a snap. “You think we wouldn’t notice? You think I wouldn’t notice?”

He’d gotten pissed off and marched off into the woods to the stream to refill your canteens. You’d given him a wide berth for several hours, making the newly cleared barn into something livable for the night with Ellie. When dark had started to set in you went after him, boots crunching through frozen leaves.

He’d been sitting by the creek bed, an inscrutable expression on his face. “We ain’t got enough,” he’d said, not looking at you. “You and Ellie need it more. I’m fine.” 

“But you're not. You can’t just not eat. You can’t take care of us if you aren’t okay, Joel.” 

The air had smelled like earth and decaying leaves and stagnant water and ice. The scent reminded you of better times, of apple cider and cinnamon and new beginnings, of autumn fairs and coffee shops. 

You’d sat behind him, pulled him against you for just a moment, chin on his shoulder, and said, “It’s all right to let me look after you, too.” 

You figure that even with the change in circumstances, things are still like that with Joel. He’s always doing the metaphorical equivalent of making sure everyone else eats first, even if it means he’s starving.

He’s never been one to give up or give in or let go. When Tess was bitten, Joel hadn’t wanted to leave her. He’d wanted to stay and fight. To fight a useless and unwinnable fight. That mindset was never going to fade.

You don’t speak for a few days. Guilt swallows the whole of your heart and leaves you dry and empty. Joel blames you, you think, even if he won’t say it. 

He comes to you late one night. 

It’s dark and the bedroom is overly warm. He sits heavily but without help at the edge of the bed. He’s getting better at that, even if he doesn’t think he is. 

His hair is longer and it falls into his face when he leans over you, fingers against your forehead and temple and then your cheek. 

“When I was real young,” he says. “My dad died. We didn’t have much money and my mama worked all the time.” 

You turn on your back and try to make his face out but his expression is unreadable. 

Joel hardly ever talks about his folks. 

“I got my first job when I was fourteen, to help with the bills. Money was better on account of half of it not bein’ drank away, but we still needed the cash.” Joel pauses and you scoot over. It takes a minute for him to find a comfortable position with you but when he does, he continues. His voice echoes against your ear, the beat of his heart pounds against your cheek. His chin rubs against your forehead, one large hand splayed across your shoulders. 

“Since she worked so much, I was always takin’ care of Tommy, of damn near everything else. And my mama, too, sometimes.” He swallows, and you feel the bob of his throat against your forehead. His chest is warm beneath your cheek, even through the two layers he always wears. “So I knew I was young when Sarah came along, but I didn’t really feel it. I took care of her and her mother, ‘til she went her own way. Just the way I always had.” 

The rise and fall of his chest is steady. He cups his free hand around yours and tucks your palm against his heart. 

“I know I’m not easy, in any sense of the word. I never have been.” A heavy tug of shame weighs his voice down. “Too mean and bitter, I guess.” There’s a long pause, and you want to protest but you’re sure if you interrupt, Joel won’t finish saying whatever it is he needs to. 

“So anyway,” he continues. “I try to make up for it. By doin’ what I always have, even if it means I end up alone. I wouldn’t change anything. I don’t know what I’m good for if—” His hand slides up your spine, thick fingers resting at the base of your neck. “And I can’t do it anymore. Can’t take care of ya. So, it woulda been different, if it had been you. Because it’s you we’re talkin’ about.” 

Joel goes quiet after that. His palm continues its nervous path over your spine. The bristles of his beard are soft against your temple. The rhythm of his breathing is still slow and even, but you feel the prickle of nerves in the way he touches you. 

It isn’t easy for Joel to say the things he feels, even to you, even all these years later. 

His body is so familiar to you, so warm and strong beneath you. Comfort, in short, in its purest form. 

You aren’t expecting him to say any more, but he does. “Things. . .they always have a way of fallin’ apart, in the end.” 

When you lift your head, he doesn’t look at you. You press a finger against the edge of his jaw, turning his head gently until his eyes meet yours. “Joel,” you touch your forehead to his. You aren’t good with words either, but you try. “You are more than that. More than what you can do for people.”

He’s quiet for a long time, eyes fluttering closed, his breath a calm pool against your mouth. “And I’m more than that? To you?” 

“Joel, if I only wanted some guard dog, I would have gotten one that could listen better.” 

He snorts, and a little of the tension melts away. “Yeah, I reckon you would have.” 

The dark is a warm cocoon of things less easily said in the light.

“Yes,” you say quietly after a long, peaceful silence. “Joel. You’re so much more to me than that.”

It’s late spring again. The Wyoming air is mild, and heavy with the scent of blooming life. 

Sage grows in dense clumps up in the mountains, deep between the ridges of the sharp peaks. The smell of it, earthy and crisp, chases itself on the breeze, all the way down to Jackson. It twines with the smell of flowers painstakingly planted along his front path. 

Arrowleaf. Goldenrod. 

Lavender, right by the mailbox, courtesy of some superstition held onto from before the outbreak. 

It’s thick, cloying, pungent. 

It’s overripe, rotting. It smells like death. 

It’s making Joel fucking nauseous. 

He squeezes your arm, a warning without words that he needs a break. 

It’s the smell. 

It’s the sun and the gentle breeze. 

He tells himself the sick, crawling pain mixing sourly in his stomach has nothing at all to do with his newly fitted prosthetic leg. 

Slowly, without a word, you turn and guide him back through his familiar backyard to the porch. 

He sits heavily on the steps, just inside the cool pool of shade, and pulls in deep breaths that rattle in his lungs and do nothing to stave off the dizziness, or the pain. 

Your hand slides up and down his back before your palm settles against the back of his neck and urges his head down between his knees. 

Joel feels like a fucking kid. His hands are shaking. 

“Damn thing is useless,” he growls after a minute when the nausea passes and he can lift his head, because it’s the only thing he can do, because it’s goddamn humiliating. 

Everything is, these days. 

You just bump your shoulder into his and hum low under your breath, used to his attitude, used to his bark that only sometimes has a bite. 

You’re patient with him, but tough, not willing to indulge his foul moods. “It’s just something you have to get used to,” you assure him. “It’s not going to be like before.” 

Joel doesn’t want to admit that he wants to take the prosthetic off. It’s like admitting defeat before he’s even gotten a chance to fight. 

And he’s tired. 

Exhausted, really. 

“Hey,” you dig your nails into his wrist. He meets your eyes, pragmatic, practical, his match in everything. “We aren’t supposed to go at it so hard anyway, remember? You did really well.” 

He doesn’t want to admit that, either, that your praise washes pink in his veins, that he likes to hear it, thrives on it. If he’s doing right by you, good in your eyes, things can’t be awful as they might seem. 

That’s what he latches onto. Your pride. Your acceptance. 

“This was just the first time, Joel,” you continue. “You’ll get the hang of it.” 

He ain’t so sure about that, not with the way his leg aches. A leg that isn’t even there anymore, chopped off right above the knee, to save his life, apparently. It’s part of why it hurts so goddamn much. Feels like he’s pushing his calf into something it can’t fit in, like the long gone meat and bone are getting ground up into his thigh. 

But if he gets the hang of it, then things will be better. He’ll at least be able to move on his own. He might be able to find some way to work again. Wall duty was looking pretty good, because all you really have to do is sit there and watch the horizon and be able to shoot pretty well. 

There is hope in the future. There is hope in you reminding him of that, realistic to a fault, pragmatic to your core. 

And unlike Joel, you’ve never had it in you to lie. 

Joel tightens his hand on your forearm again, pressure on your sun warmed skin. It’s a poor substitute for the thank you that you deserve. You seem to get his meaning though. Your hand feathers through his hair again and the sun doesn’t feel so abrasive, and the smells of spring don’t seem so weighed down by death. 

“Ellie’s coming for dinner,” you offer. “Said she’s got a movie or a game or something that she wants to show you.” 

Yeah, so maybe the day ain’t so bleak as he thought it was. 

“All right.” 

You offer him a hand up, and slip your arm behind his back. He carefully drapes his arm around your shoulders, mindful, even now, of his weight against yours. “What a strong thing you are,” he comments, not able to stop the corner of his mouth from twitching. You look so determined.

It’s the way you always look, when put to task.  

You roll your eyes. “Lucky for you.” 

“Lucky for me,” he says, soft about it.  

The stairs are the worst part of getting back inside, but it's much easier than it had been before. 

It’s a relief to collapse into the couch and take the prosthetic off. The phantom pains still ache and stretch painfully tight, like the skin is being pulled taut, like there was a knot that just needed massaged out. He grits his teeth and represses the urge to reach down and rub sore muscle that no longer exists. 

It’s a relief to collapse into the couch, even if guilt punches him in the chest for it. 

It’s an even bigger relief when you press yourself into the space next to him. He doesn’t know how you stand it sometimes. How you can look at him and still not hate him for every mistake he’s ever made. 

“Knee always fuckin’ bothered me anyhow,” he comments, turning his head so his words brush against your temple. “Don’t gotta worry about it gettin’ stiff now, I reckon.” 

You reward him with a snort, the scrape of your fingernails against his cheek, a kiss. 

It’s easier to get around, with the prosthetic that he hates. 

But he’s slow. Slower than he’s ever been in his whole life. And sometimes, most times, it frustrates him. 

Being able to walk is one thing. It’s a fine thing. But he needs to be able to do more than that. Run, fight, shoot. A fucking pipe dream. But he’s back to building, carpentry, and that’s something at least. Something useful. 

Joel has tried asking you about that day, because he doesn’t remember a whole lot besides the pain. But your chest goes fluttery with panic, the rise and fall of it unfamiliar to him. You don’t get nervous. You never have, not over anything. 

But when he asks about that day, you mutter something about Tommy and blood, and he can’t get anything else out of you. Tommy does the same, eyes cast to the side, thumbs hooked in his belt, foot starting a nervous rhythm. 

He doesn’t understand what’s wrong with either of you, what the goddamn problem is. 

In some ways, Joel’s always thought you were tougher than him, a balance of brutal and rough and unforgiving with softened sweetness. Bash the skull of a hunter in with a metal pipe, then use your unsullied hand to stroke back Ellie’s hair, to offer help to strangers, to pat the nose of your horse gently. 

He would never want to be on the other side of the wrath you kept wrapped up inside your heart. 

But, now, you don’t leave Jackson anymore. You haven’t been outside Jackson’s walls since that day. 

Tommy tells him you can’t even bear to take a shift on the wall, which mainly comprised of sitting at the top of the wall and doing a whole lot of nothing, looking at the horizon, shuffling your feet to keep warm.

It’s unlike you. You love to patrol, just like him. 

That’s his fault, too. Your nightmares, your sleeplessness.

Ellie plays the guitar for him, even after he gets the hang of it again, even after he’s walking on his own again, the chords coming back to him easier and easier. They don’t have to talk much, that way. 

She’s still mad, but he almost died, and she’s willing to try with him. 

She comes over for dinner. She always brings a movie. 

It gets easier. 

And slowly, by the end of the summer, she smiles when she sees him.

He’s gotten the hang of walking again, which is never a sentiment he thought he’d have about himself. Joel always assumed he’d be killed before something like really old age could set in, or something like this, a disability he doesn’t want to learn to live with. 

It’s rained recently and the yard smells like perchitor and the ever present mountain sage. The grass is just a little muddy from the many loops around the yard. “You’re going to fall and break your neck, old man.” 

“Breakin’ my neck can’t be much worse than what it is right now. We ain’t goin’ around the yard anyhow. Now c’mon, put your shoes on, kiddo.” 

“It’s still raining,” she complains. 

“Means no one’s outside to see me humiliatin’ myself.” 

Ellie only rolls her eyes but does it anyway. He doesn’t need a hand anymore, but he’s shaky sometimes and despite your best efforts he’s still refusing a cane. But he also hasn’t been using the track in the yard in weeks.

That, and he actually has somewhere to be these days, figuring out better security for Jackson, looking after the patrol teams, assessing who was ready to be put into rotation. Managing is what he should be calling it, though he doesn’t care for it. He and Maria butt heads too often for it to be anything close to enjoyable. 

When they pass the mailbox, Ellie points to the lavender. “I never thought to ask about it before. It’s everywhere. Some nailed above the door and everything.” 

“Some kinda thing about protectin’ the home,” Joel explains. “Far as I remember, it protects from bad energy. Somethin’ like that.” 

“I thought that was sage?”

“Sage you burn,” he explains. “And we get plenty of that too. Whole damn house smells like it.” 

“Seems like the kinda thing Dina would do,” she says and then seems to realize who she’s said it to. But she doesn’t change the subject. “Didn’t take her for the superstitious type. Doesn’t seem like it really works anyway.” 

Joel shrugs. “She was before the outbreak, I guess.” He watches Ellie from the corner of his eye. She’s steadfastly not looking at him, but she also doesn’t usually say so much to him. “Didn’t have reason to think of it for a long time. Lavender wasn’t exactly in high supply in Boston.” 

Ellie nods.

“She used to, uh, put some in your backpack when she knew you was goin’ out. Same with me, always put some in my pocket.” 

There’s a long silence. Jackson’s streets are oddly empty in the pouring rain. Lights glow in the windows; inviting, homely. “She didn’t have to do that.” 

He shrugs and his shoulder only aches a little for it. “It’s just the kinda thing parents do, even if it don’t make any damn sense.” 

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees as the turn toward the center of Jackson. “You wanna stop in the Bison?” 

“Sure,” he agrees. “For a minute.” 

“Full schedule?” She teases. “Aren’t you supposed to be in your sunset years?”

“Well, gotta have something to fill up the days, kiddo. Maybe one day you’ll actually be able to keep up.”

She just scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, whatever."

Joel tries not to smile.  

Being mobile again, busy again, feels good. 

It feels good, but it also means he’s in near constant pain.

He tells himself it’s good, that pain sharpens him, makes him better. 

Until he’s slumped on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, heaving his guts up from the ache in his leg. 

You find him there, sweaty and panting, with a glass of water in hand. Joel pushes himself upright against the wall with a sigh as you close the lid of the toilet and flush it before sitting beside him on the cool tile. 

“You’re overdoing it again,” you say, not unkindly.

“I ain’t tryin’ to,” he mutters and takes the glass of water when you offer it to him. 

“I know.” You cover his free hand with yours. “Wanna get up?” 

You smell faintly of peppermint, burned incense. 

When he shakes his head, you stretch to flip the light switch over your head. He’s plunged into darkness, alone, for just a moment, before you settle again. The warmth of your head against his shoulder feels stolen. 

For a long time, neither of you say anything. He breathes through the pain still crawling around his knee, the phantom flesh of his calf. 

“I was a goddamn fool,” he whispers into the silence. “You know what I was thinkin’ that day?” He’s not sure where the words come from, the confession. It feels a little like the words are being pulled up out of his body, yanked right from the center of his chest. 

“Tell me,” your nose is warm when it bumps against his collarbone. 

“‘Bout Ellie. How I’d want someone to help her, if she needed it. So I helped that girl. Almost got all of us fuckin’ killed.”

You don’t answer, not at first. But eventually, you lean into him and say, “If you want me to blame you, I won’t. I will never find fault in kindness.” Your thumb strokes his knuckles slowly. “Never. Especially not yours.” 

He brushes his mouth along your hairline, skin silken against his mouth. “Y’know when we was on the road, I was sure you’d get us killed. But y’always knew when to trust someone. How much to trust ‘em.” 

“I. . .” you start and then trail off, fingers squeezing around his. “I was always lucky, and I always knew I had you at my back. If I messed up, you were always there.” 

His eyes have adjusted to the darkness of the bathroom, and when he meets your gaze, he can see the glaze of tears in your eyes. You suck in a shaking breath and clear your throat but don’t continue. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there the same way.” 

“This ain’t on you,” he says. “Don’t think that. It’s me. It was a long time comin’ somethin’ would catch up to me.”

You settle in against him, one hand digging into the sore muscle of his thigh. The heat feels like, the flex of your gentle fingers even better. The pain that doesn’t exist fades just a little. 

“And for the record, darlin’, you were there the same way.” 

It’s autumn again when you go back onto the patrol rotation. There’s frost on the windows and on the spikes of overgrown grass in the front yard. He just got back from a night watch on the wall.  

You’re taking his old routes with Tommy, and you don’t tell him about it until the morning of. Not a fucking soul breathed a word of it to him, and he’s the one figuring out the goddamned rotations. 

And Joel realizes though he’d been worried about you not wanting to leave Jackson anymore, not even being able to go near the gates, he was glad you hadn’t wanted to. It meant you were safe. Even if he couldn’t keep you safe anymore, the walls of Jackson could.

“I’m not doing this with you right now,” you say before you leave, pretending like he can’t clearly see your hands shaking before you walk out the door.

He follows you onto the porch. He can’t remember what he says, just that you look upset and then hurt, just that you don’t say goodbye when you walk away and that you probably don’t have lavender tucked into your pocket like he always did. 

“Please.” A word he hardly ever says, a plea he never gives into. 

He says it to your retreating back as you pass the mailbox, but you either don’t hear him or choose to ignore him. 

Maybe he didn’t say it at all.

That day is hell. It’s long and pocketed with anger and anxiety. If something happens to you, he isn’t sure what he’ll do. He doesn’t like that you left him upset. 

Maria doesn’t entertain his outburst about it when he finally corners her after looking for her all morning. “She was ready.” 

“I didn’t even know we were considerin’ sendin’ her back out!” 

Maria just levels him with a glare that could freeze hell over. “That isn’t up to just you. And why do you think she didn’t want to tell you?” 

He’s at the stables with Ellie that evening when you come home, waiting. It’s cold and his leg is aching something bitter and awful but he doesn’t move and Ellie doesn’t suggest going back home because she knows he won’t hear it. Dina stops by and he listens to them talk. Ellie’s face softens when she looks at Dina, cheeks a soft pink in the fading light, ducking her head and fidgeting with her fingers. 

Joel tries not to pay them any mind, but it's hard not to find endearing. 

When you and Tommy get back, it’s full dark. He wants to throttle his brother for not telling him you were going back out on the trails, but it’s too cold for much of that. All thoughts of strangling Tommy fly from his head as soon as he sees you, because you have a smear of blood on your cheek and down your neck. 

“Goddamn it, what happened?” He demands, hands against your face before you’ve even fully dismounted. 

“I’m fine.” 

“That ain’t what I asked,” he sweeps his thumb over your skin, flakes of red shifting to the ground. The knot in his chest tightens as he watches it flutter through the air. “What happened?” He growls again. “Tommy?” 

“The usual, Joel,” you pull his attention back to you. “It was just cleanup. A couple of infected. Nothing.” 

“Uh huh,” he tilts your face one way and then the other. 

“Just some splatter.” You shrug and smile at him; your mouth twitches, and he realizes you’re teasing him. 

“Splatter,” he repeats flatly. “That ain’t funny. You ain’t funny. C’mon, let’s go home.” 

Ellie and Dina have disappeared with your arrival but they aren’t far; he can hear their chatter as they walk along the street toward the center of Jackson, the echoes of their voices reaching back towards him. “I’ll deal with you later,” he says to his brother. 

Tommy just raises his hands and says he’ll stable the horses. But he’s grinning and maybe that’s a good thing. It’s been awhile since his brother has seemed himself. It’s been awhile since the two of you have given him grief together. 

“Leave Tommy alone,” you say as you walk toward Rancher Street. You seem steadier than you had been that morning, more confident, more yourself. It isn’t a long walk back, even with his leg, though he limps worse than usual because of the cold. You wrap an arm around his waist, your fingers digging into his back pocket, body warm against his side. “We did good together today.” 

“Mhm. I’m sure you did.” 

“You mad at me?” 

“I wish you’d tell me,” he murmurs. “When you’re goin’ off to do somethin’ stupid. I need you to talk to me. Worried the whole goddamn day. You ain’t exactly in practice out there anymore.” 

You hum and then nudge closer to him. “Put your arm around me.”

“I’m fine,” he grunts, maybe a little harshly. 

“Joel,” you laugh and nuzzle your face against his shoulder. “C’mon. I’m cold and I had a rough day. Put your arm around me.” 

So, he does. And he leaves it there until you’re in the bathroom, sitting on the counter in front of him, lavender plants stacked in the sink behind you once again as the colder weather sets in. 

This is better. So much fucking better, than the other way around. This is right.

He cleans the blood away, finds the swell of a bruise on your shoulder and a cut lengthways over your collarbone. 

It’s easy enough to take care of. It isn’t as bad as what he’d been imagining all day long. 

He’s well in practice for this sort of thing, for bandaging and assessing wounds. 

“Sorry,” he says as he works. “For this mornin’.”

“Mhm.”

“I worried all day. Not much I can do now, if you get into a spot of trouble.”

“I handle myself fine. Tommy was there. He’s a good partner out there.” 

Joel grunts, dabs rubbing alcohol along the cut. “He is,” he agrees reluctantly. He supposes if you had to go on patrol with anyone, he’d prefer you go with his brother.  

You touch him as he works, fingers patting over his jacket, the collar of his flannel, the frayed edge of the t-shirt beneath that. “I had to go back out, Joel. You would have argued with me and I can’t be afraid and useless forever.”

“Useless,” he scoffs and unspools a length of bandage. “You don’t know nothin’ about that.” 

“Joel,” you say softly, exasperated. “Baby, you don’t know what it was like that day. I thought you were already dead.” Your voice trembles and you have to swallow harshly before you can continue. “Helpless and useless doesn’t even begin to cover what I felt. What I still feel.” You shake your head and cup your fingers around his. “I dream about it every single night and I still don’t really remember what happened. That scares me a lot.” 

He slides his thumb along the gauze, your eyes wide and worried when he meets them.“I’ll never be who I was, sweetheart.” His voice sounds mournful to his own ears. 

“You’re exactly the same man, Joel. I’m just happy you’re here and alive and you’re worried you aren’t alive the right damn way.” You shake your head. “I can’t ask for much more than what I have. Than what we do. Me and you. Ellie back in our life. A home. Food. Family. You,” you touch his jaw and smile. “Still here. Still taking care of me.” 

There’s a lump in his throat, hard as a stone. “Yep.” He coughs in an attempt to clear his voice but he sounds just as wrecked when he speaks. “Patrol musta been real good to y’today.”

You just laugh, and the sound of it is wet. “Yeah. It was. I thought it would be terrible but I missed it.” 

“I know you did.” 

“You should come on a ride with me sometime,” you say slyly. “I bet it’d feel good to be back in the saddle. You’ve always been a good shot from the back of a horse.”

He has. 

Maybe he should. 

💞 If you made it this far, thank you for reading! Comments and feedback are so appreciated. 💞

[thismustbefakeme]

A quick warm-up I did today of the The Pale Elf™️

#astarion fan art #baldurs gate 3 #baldurs gate astarion #baldurs gate fanart #sketch

[thismustbefakeme]

please god give me "[ CLING ]: having finally been reunited, the sender pulls the receiver into a tight, overwhelmingly relieved embrace, clinging to them and burying their face in their shoulder" with astarion and gale.

┊ astarion ancunín + f!tav!reader┊ CLING

His voice is a near shriek — full of irritation.

"What is wrong with you, hm?!"

"Astarion, I am not in the mood—"

"Oh, well pardon me, my dear lady," comes the snarl of a snarked jest as he follows hot on your trail, "Had I known you weren't in the mood, I would simply have kept my mouth shut and let you die!"

"I had it handled!" you fire back, throwing your hands in the starry, night air and very much ignoring the inquisitive looks from the rest of camp. Astarion does not let up, in fact he jogs to follow more closely than before — right on your boot heels.

"He had a knife to your throat!"

"Wouldn't be the first time that's happened!"

"God, you are the most stubborn woman I have ever met—"

You finally reach your tent and slam your pack down on your makeshift vanity. Inside, the stolen wares rattle amongst pinched gold and silver. A few scrolls, a few potions; enough to get you and your rag-tag team through the next few days on the road.

You'd embarked into the town at sundown, with Astarion by your side, to pull a few old tricks. You're not a stranger to the silver-tongued methods of a thief. A few plucked lute strings, a few batted eyes. Usually, it's quick work. But, tonight you'd met a bit of resistance behind the town's tavern.

At the edge of camp, it's darker. The moon is hung half-full in the sky, and you gather your matches lighter to ignite your trusty lamp. However, the moment you move to flick the ignition, there's a hand on yours.

"Will you listen to me?"

"I told you," you huff haughtily, "I'm not in the mood, Astarion—"

Suddenly, he slaps the pack of matches from your hands.

It hits the ground a few feet away.

You look up at him, brow wrinkled in shock and confusion.

"...Rude..."

His face is set in a firm frown. And then, suddenly, he's pulling you into an embrace that is as unpracticed as it is rough. Your arms are cramped to your sides as the vampire presses his face hard into the crook of your shoulder. You can feel him huff, and then soften slightly.

Your attitude melts away.

"Don't do that again," comes a quiet, desperate utterance. You swear it will cling to your throat forever more; the sound of his true intentions, "As much as I hate to admit it, you've grown on me."

Your eyes slip shut. "...I'm sorry."

He scoffs. His nose, cold and delicate, brushes the skin of your throat.

Astarion can feel the thrum of life beneath your skin there; a familiar feeling. His heart pangs in want. He knows your scent best — comforting. Home. Even if you aren't entirely aware of it.

...But, he'll keep that to himself for now.

And maybe forever.

┊ gale dekarios + tav!reader ┊ CLING

It's a long trek back to camp — and by morning, you've never been happier to smell the last embers of a fire that's burnt noon and night.

Morning rays, fresh from the dawn, spill over the horizon as you meander into the camp. There's dew on your boots and blood in your hair. The gash along your side has long since coagulated into a sticky, cold mess; your leathers are drenched in all sorts of gore. Not all your own. Most belonging to the three Gnolls who had attempted to take you along with your hunted prey for the camp's dinner.

You lost the boar, your favorite bow, and a good amount of pride in the scuffle.

The moment you cross the threshold of camp, you can taste the tang of magic in the air.

You know, immediately, that it's Gale.

Perhaps it's your own awareness of the Weave, or a particular tenderness for the Wizard himself, but you feel him before you see him.

And then, it's a crushing embrace.

His toiling is long forgotten the moment he lays eyes on you, in all your brutality, and he can't help but surge forward with enough momentum to nearly knock you both breathless.

"Where the hell have you been? Avernus?" he mutters, one hand moving to gently cradle the back of your head. His palm is warm, radiating already with a healing magic that alights the air with the smell of lavender.

"Met a bit of trouble fetching us dinner—"

"Karlach will have your head," Gale says, leaning back to eye you up and down as a warm sweep of light graces your edges. You feel it, like a touch white-hot against bare skin. Intimate. Caring. Different entirely from Shadowheart's healing entirely, "She has been out all night searching for you — Astarion, too."

"I'm fine," you mutter — pointedly keeping the fact you had been chased up a tree by the aforementioned Gnolls to yourself — hands falling to his waist, "And I'm ruining your robes."

"Hush."

The magic pulses hotly, and you slip your eyes shut at the intrusion. His sternness comes robed in warmth. A safe sort of thing.

Gale pulls away only long enough to plant a kiss on your brow.

AS ALWAYS: prompts are here, the ask box is here.

#perfection

[thismustbefakeme]

IVE HAD AN EPIPHANY!!!!!!!!!!!

#put them together in a room #which one tries to bang/kill the other first? #insufferable little girls these two #god I love cunty vampires #lestat #astarion

[thismustbefakeme]

the day i write my pre-bg3 astarion fic is the day you all will regret.

picture it: you've died of an epidemic sweeping through the city only a month after marrying one of the city's most influential magistrates. you're heralded as being the beauty of baldur's gate, and your widower will do anything to bring you back — like bringing your exhumed casket to cazador's palace in the middle of a stormy, summer night.

cazador assures your grieving love, yes, yes he can bring you back, of course. but there are unspoken conditions.

when you awake, you're hungry and you're cold and all you can see is the thrumming, fulfilling heat of a feast before you. you dine, you breathe, you ignore the sticky tang of blood that runs down your chin and chest. it is warm, after all.

love is best served alive.

astarion and the others do well to hide their winces. to cazador, it's better than any comedy he's ever seen: he's just had the beauty of baldur's gate fall into his grasp. now, you've gone and drained the life from the one person you've ever truly loved. no easier pawn has been played.

the horror of realizing you've reveled in your love's blood is a sound astarion thinks about often. and so, you're new in the ranks. perhaps it's pity that has astarion burdened. perhaps it's the remembrance of kindness. you haven't had that snuffed out of you quite yet.

you grieve. it cracks him wide open in private. you swear you'll never love again. astarion honors the oath. friends are forged and a hundred years winds away. you've become his one reprieve. as close to sunshine on his skin as he'll ever get again.

[ENTER BRAIN WORMS]

#I will quite literally dropdead(positive) the moment this happens birbs dearest #the astarion brain rot is so real

[thismustbefakeme]

Me @ all the people getting Astarion’s scars tattooed on their bodies

#like—they were carved into him against his will? #a literal symbol of his slavery to cazador ???? #this is Bucky’s trigger words all over again #think people. USE YOUR BRAINS #YOU COULD GET ANYTHING ELSE

[thismustbefakeme]

There is just something about ✨him✨

#Astarion #Baldur’s Gate #especially when he is covered in 🩸blood™️🩸 #I am gonna be 5150’d for that? #yolo

[thismustbefakeme]

Oh hurray, porn bots are at it again

[thismustbefakeme]

strawberry wine - joel miller x ofc!liv stone/fem!reader

after - part twenty-nine

SERIES MASTERLIST | MAIN MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3

nothing goes according to plan.

a/n: I’m 25 mins late but here it is! a big one, lots of ground to cover, getting closer to Wyoming and y’all don’t even know what’s coming yet….

word count: 7.2k

warnings: lots and lots of violence ahead, the moodboard should be a warning in itself, and if you watched the show, you know what’s coming.

✨@friskito-library for updates on new parts/works✨

Ellie holds your hand as you make your way back down all thirty-five flights, back through the garage you’d entered through. It’s a quiet trip, all five of your settling into tense silence as you get closer and closer to the ground.

Joel keeps pace with you, his hand brushing your back every so often. Keeping an eye. Your face pounds with every step, and you’d kill for some kind of painkiller, but everything you had left was in the truck. At least Ellie had bandaids.

You wait for the road to clear, Joel holding an arm out in front of both of you as one of those armoured trucks rumbles past. You pull your hand from Ellie’s long enough to take out your gun, loading the chamber as she glances between your face and the weapon.

“Your cheek looks better,” she says.

“That’s good,” you murmur, taking her hand again and squeezing. “Hurts like a bitch.”

As soon as the coast is clear, you all dart across the street, Henry and Sam in front, you and Ellie in the middle, Joel bringing up the rear. You hurry through the marble lobby, trying to duck around a corner, but the entire bottom level is walled with glass. You’re sitting ducks the longer you stand here.

“We need to get outta sight,” Joel says, his hand resting on your shoulder.

“Henry, which way do we—” you start, but the words are drowned out as a bullet shatters one of the glass doors behind you. You can just make out a figure across the street. Henry and Sam take off, and you push Ellie in their direction. “Go!”

Joel grabs your hand, trying to pull you along with him, but you plant your feet. “Liv.”

“Go,” you tell him, ignoring the way your throat is going thick. His eyes go wide for a second, jaw going taut. You can see this for what it is; whoever’s shooting, they’ll call for backup, they’ll follow you, and you’ll all die for it. Someone has to stay behind. He knows it too, you know he does. “Go,” you repeat, pulling your hand from his grip. “I’ll find you.”

“Liv—”

“You promised, Joel. You promised me.”

Another bullet flies, shattering more glass, and Ellie squeaks.

He grabs you by the collar of your shirt, pulling you in for a kiss that steals the breath from your lungs. Your chest is tight with worry, and you let the kiss go on longer than it should, pushing him back so hard he nearly stumbles. 

“I’ll find you.”

Without another word, he turns on his heels and sprints after the kids. Ellie stares back at you as Joel rejoins them, your name falling from her lips, but you just shake your head, sliding your finger over the trigger of your gun as you position yourself out of the line of fire.

You watch until they disappear around the next corner, Joel half-dragging Ellie along, and she stares at you until you’re completely out of sight.

A bullet shatters the stone corner above your head, and you flinch, pressing against the marble wall.

“Fuck.”

You wait until you hear the click of an empty barrel, the telltale shuffle of reloading weapons, and strike. Thank god you had the sense to grab ammo from the truck when you were attacked yesterday. You empty the clip, bullets pinging off the metal frame of the doors. There are two of them now, both shouting as you fire. You hit one of them in the leg and he drops, howling in pain, and the other, a woman, moves in front of him, a fierce look in her eye.

Then your blood goes cold.

She’s got your bat.

You shift your aim a bit higher. The last two bullets miss, zipping past both of them and hitting the cars on the street out front. You curse, ducking back behind the wall to reload as the woman lifts her gun, rapid fire hitting the corner, too close for comfort. You duck out of the way, curling into a ball, waiting for her clip to empty.

You hear the click again. “It doesn’t have to go this way!” you shout, your voice echoing off the marble walls.

“Tell that to Bryan!” the woman sneers back, and your gut twists.

You do what you have to.

You round the corner as she’s reloading, lift your gun, and fire. The first two bullets miss her, but the third finds her shoulder and her gun clatters to the floor. The man beside her is too busy clutching his leg. There’s a pool of blood on the floor around him already; you must have hit an artery.

The fourth shot makes a home between her brows. Her eyes roll back, and she topples backward. You cross the distance quickly, keeping your gun trained on the man. There’s a radio at his hip, and as you get closer, you cock the gun again.

“Is anyone else coming?” you bark, moving the gun up to his face. Your bat is beside the woman, and you keep the gun steady as you reach down to grab it. When he doesn’t answer, you get closer. “Who did you call?”

“No one, I swear!” he shouts, and then whimpers, still grabbing his leg. “Please, we didn’t call anybody!”

The radio crackles. “Simon, status report. What’s going on down there?”

Your eyes dart between the radio and his face. “Sounds like you did.”

“No!”

“Do you need backup? Simon, report.”

You crouch down, leaning forward to jam the gun under his chin. “Tell them everything is fine.”

“Plea—”

You flip the bat in your hand, thicker end pointing down, and bring it down on his leg, right where the gunshot is. He howls.

“Tell them everything is fine,” you grit. He tries to move away, but doesn’t get very far, whimpering as more blood smears across the floor. “Do it. And make it believable, or this is only gonna get worse.”

He whimpers again as he reaches for the radio. He’s not as young as Henry, not as old as Joel. Maybe your age.

At the last second, he reaches for a gun instead, but you fire before he can. His body slumps back, joins the woman’s, more blood pooling beneath them both.

“Fuck.”

The radio crackles again, the same voice asking Simon to report again. You fall back on your ass, narrowly missing the blood on the ground.

Fuck.

You need to keep moving. The radio sounds again, and this time, you reach for it, yanking it off Simon’s belt and hitting the button on the side. “Simon’s dead.”

“Cara?” the voice warbles back, and your eyes dart to the woman’s unmoving form. “What happened down there?”

You look around, watching the dust settle. You get up slow, gather their guns and ammo, take what you can from their belts and pockets, curl your fingers around the bat’s grip. “Infected came out of nowhere,” you reply, wincing as you remember what Henry said. “Must have crawled out of the tunnels.”

“Infected?” the voice replies, clearly shocked. “Stay where you are, Cara. Perry and his guys are close by. I’ll tell them to come get you.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You run back in the direction Joel had disappeared. There’s a heavy metal door labelled EMPLOYEES ONLY. That has to be where they went. Your hand touches the handle as the loud rumble of a truck sounds, the screech of tires and the crunch of glass. Turning on your heel, you sprint in the opposite direction of the door, towards another labelled STAIRS. But they spot you as you run across the lobby, gruff hey!s shouted in your direction.

You slam the door shut behind you, cursing when you see there’s no lock. Through the small window, you can see the men — Kathleen’s men, you assume — getting closer, guns raised. The glass of the window shatters and you drop, crawling toward the stairs leading down. It’s dark, and your heart leaps into your throat. Maybe there’s a basement or a garage, maybe it meets up with the tunnels. 

Maybe—

“Hands up!”

Fuck.

“Put the bat down and hands in the air, or my next shot goes through your head!”

There’s cool metal pressed to the base of your skull, and you freeze. Someone grabs the end of the bat, wrenching it from your grip, and your choice is made for you. You lift your hands slowly. “Please, I’m just trying to get to Des Moines!”

The lie rolls off your tongue smoothly, and the barrel prods at your nape. “Then who killed our people in the lobby?”

“It was Infected!” you shout, and your hands are shaking. It sells the lie a little harder, you hope. “I was just trying to get through! Please, I just need to get to Des Moines.”

“What about the others?”

“What others?” you ask, turning your head slightly. The gun stays where it is. “I didn’t see anyone else, I swear!”

You’re not sure if they believe you or not, but then someone grabs your shoulder, turning you roughly. The man keeps his gun pointed at you, and you have to tilt your head back slightly to see his face. He’s older, dark salt-and-pepper hair pushed back over his head, a thick grey beard covering his face. He’s wearing tactical gear, his face smeared with dirt, and his brow furrows as he stares at you.

“What’s your name?”

“Cowan,” you say immediately, adding to the lie. Your voice cracks as you say it. “Jessica Cowan.”

“Where you from?”

“New York, originally. I was travelling with people from Georgia but they…we…” You shake your head. “I’m the only one left.”

The man stares at you for a long moment, considering. “Give us your weapons,” he says, the words almost too slow, “and we’ll take you somewhere safe, Jessica.”

You don’t believe him for a second, but your options are even more limited now. You try and bolt, he’ll shoot, and that’ll be it. Holding your breath, you hand him the bigger gun you’d taken from Cara.

“That’s one of ours,” another man says, peering over.

“I took it from the bodies,” you say quickly, handing over the other gun you’d swiped. “They were dead when I got here.”

“You said it was Infected.”

“It was,” you agree, nodding. “Your people were dead when I got to the building.”

Another man comes into view, rounding the corner of the lobby. Your heart rackets as he approaches, saying something to the man holding you at gunpoint, too hushed for you to hear.

Realization settles over the man’s face, and he lifts the gun slightly, training it on your forehead. “Last I checked, Infected don’t know how to use guns.”

And you put multiple bullets in both the people in the lobby.

Fuck.

“You’re a shit liar, Jessica,” he continues, “though I’d wager that ain’t your real name.”

“Please,” you say, pleading, lifting your hands in the air again. “I’m just trying to get to Des Moines.”

“Cuff her,” he says, addressing one of the other men. “We’ll take her to Kathleen, see what she can get out of her.”

They take the rest of your weapons, your gun and Tess’s, the knife at your belt, and cuff your hands behind your back. You don’t resist, letting them take you out of the stairwell, through the lobby, past the pools of blood where the bodies were and into one of their trucks.

Fuck.

+

They’ve been waiting down here long enough. 

Joel is antsy as hell. He’s sat himself down in one of the chairs, leg bouncing beneath the table. He wants to keep moving, but he knows Henry is right. They need to wait for night, give themselves some extra cover.

He needs to get Ellie somewhere safe so he can turn right around and find you.

The conversation with Henry makes for a good distraction, and he learns a few unexpected things about the young man. But then he brings you up, and Joel’s mood sours.

“Y’know, your wife is a badass,” he says, admiration in his voice as he says it. “Can’t believe she stayed behind like that.”

Joel averts his eyes, letting them land on where Ellie and Sam are playing with a soccer ball. “We promised each other.”

“Promised what?”

“That if anything happened to either of us, we’d get Ellie to safety first. We make it out of the city, find someplace safe, and then I’m going back for her. I’ll find her again.” He inhales deeply, ignoring the pang in his chest. “I always do.”

He can feel Henry staring at him. “You two have any kids of your own?”

Joel turns back to him. “No. Liv and I knew each other before, but we…reconnected after the outbreak. I had a…” He trails off, looking away again. He’s not having this conversation, not now.

Henry nods, but there’s a flicker in his eyes. “So you get it, then. You might not be Ellie’s father, but you were someone’s. I could tell.”

Joel reaches for his gun, getting to his feet. He can’t sit anymore. “We’ve waited long enough.”

He walks over to where the kids are, tapping Ellie on the shoulder. She nods at Sam before turning to Joel, peering up at him. “What?”

“Check your gun,” he tells her, sliding the cartridge out of his own. “How many bullets you got left?”

She pulls the gun out of her coat pocket, copies his movements and counts out the bullets. “Seven. Why did you let her stay behind?”

The instant ferocity in the kid’s voice makes Joel’s brain stall. “Someone had to.”

Her brows pull down. “Bullshit.”

“Not bullshit. Someone had to,” he repeats, his face mirroring hers, “or else we’d all be dead, all right? I get you somewhere safe, and then I’m going back for her.”

Ellie’s anger abates, but it’s replaced with fear. “What if those people get her?” she asks, concern plain in her voice. “What if she—”

“No,” Joel cuts her off, lifting his hand. “She’s strong. Capable. She’ll be fine. We just need to get the hell out of here, and then I’ll find her, okay? Promise.”

She’s clearly not convinced, but she stows her gun again and nods. “Okay.”

+

When they put you in the truck, they blindfold you. Not like it matters; you wouldn’t know where you were even if you could see. The drive is chaotic, lots of sharp turns and the rumble of other vehicles on the road. One of the men keeps a gun trained on you, the barrel pressed to your rib cage.

Eventually, the truck rolls to a stop, and you’re pulled out of your seat, set on your feet. “Come on,” a man says, and you recognize the voice to be the grey-haired one that had first stopped you. “Let’s go.”

His hand curls around your arm, and you let him lead you. You’re taken inside — you can tell by the slight change in temperature, the way the noise shifts — and up some stairs. Other people cross your path, and you learn the man’s name is Perry.

Up another set of stairs, turned down a few hallways, and then you come to a stop. Perry bangs on the door. “Kathleen,” he calls. “Got something for you.”

You hear the sound of a door opening, and then a woman’s voice, higher pitched than you’re expecting. “What is this?”

“She killed Cara and Simon,” Perry answers, and your heart hammers in your chest. “Tried to say it was Infected, that she’s just passing through.”

“No one passes through Kansas City without us knowing about it,” Kathleen replies, and while Perry says nothing, you imagine he nods. “Bring her in.”

He pushes you forward, through the doorway, and your boots nearly trip over it, but Perry’s grip on you is tight. You take a few steps into the room and then he pushes on your shoulder, forcing you to sit in a chair.

The blindfold is removed a second later and you blink hard, your eyes adjusting to the change in light. Your cuffed hands make your shoulders push back, and you grit your teeth, leaning back slightly in the chair. A woman steps into your sight line — Kathleen, you assume.

She’s…pretty. Soft features, dark hair, dark eyes. She looks more like a Disney princess than a resistance leader. You lock eyes, and she tilts her head to the side slightly. “Who are you?”

Perry nudges your shoulder. “And no lies this time, Jessica.”

You sigh. “My name is Olivia.”

Kathleen’s eyes flick to Perry over your shoulder. He says nothing. “What are you doing in my city, Olivia?”

“Passing through.”

“You killed two of our people.”

Your eyes narrow slightly. “They shot first. I was defending myself.”

Her eyes flick to Perry again. “We pulled guns off her. Some of ours, some of hers.”

“Simon was one of our best marksmen,” she says, looking back to you.

“Got lucky, I guess.”

“Hmm.” Kathleen paces slightly, her arms crossed over her chest. “Where are you from, Olivia?”

“Texas,” you answer, watching her move, your eyes tracing her steps. She makes you nervous. “Originally. Then Boston.”

Her brow twitches. “You left the QZ?”

You just nod.

“I thought Boston was still FEDRA-controlled.”

“It is.”

She makes a face. “You just walked out?”

You shrug. “Something like that.” 

“And then walked all the way here?”

Your jaw goes tight, and you know you’ve given yourself away. May as well lean into it. “Not exactly.”

Her eyes widen just the slightest. “The truck in the laundromat. That was you.” You drop your eyes. “You killed Bryan.”

“Not exactly,” you repeat. It’s not a lie. You didn’t kill him. Joel did.

Your eyes are still downcast, but the click of a gun has your head snapping up. She’s got it pointed right between your eyes. “You’ve killed three of ours. I should kill you for it.”

You press your cuffed hands together behind your back. “You’re not going to kill me. I know you’re not.” The gun pulls back an inch, the metal no longer pressed to your forehead. “I’m not afraid of people like you, Kathleen. I’ve dealt with far worse than you.”

She presses the gun forward again, and you school your face as stoic as possible. “How do you know I won’t shoot you right now?”

“Because I know where they’re going,” you say, and she nearly drops the gun, taking a step back. “You take me back to my people — alive — and I’ll give you Henry and Sam.”

+

“So we cross the river,” Ellie says, “and then what?”

It’s dark now. Joel’s not sure how long they’ve been walking, but every step he takes makes his gut twist a little harder. Everything in him screams to turn around, to go find you, to rescue you if he has to, to make sure you’re safe.

But he made you a promise.

“Dunno yet,” Henry replies.

“Well, we’re goin’ to Wyoming,” Ellie tells him, and Joel’s head snaps back to her, trying to give her a look through the darkness. “What? It’s a huge state, it can fit two more people.”

He says nothing, and turns back, shaking his head as he keeps walking.

They keep talking, Ellie mocking him, her voice going deep, but he ignores them. What if you’re dead? What if that woman, Kathleen, what if she got her hands on you? What if they killed you because he killed Bryan? What if—

Gunshots cut his train of thought short. Ellie yells and he grabs the back of her backpack, pushing her behind a car. “Move, move! Go!”

More shots ping off the cars littering the street, one hitting the pavement and sending up a little spray of asphalt.

“The fuck is that coming from?” Henry asks, and Joel bites at him to shut up.

Slowly, he lifts his head over the hood of the car, following the direction the bullets flew from. He can see a house, towards the end of the road, and his eyes just catch movement in the window on the top floor. Another shot whizzes past and he ducks, turning back to the kids. Ellie stares at him, her eyes wide with panic. The next shot hits wide, and Henry grabs Sam. “Fuck it, let’s move. Let’s go!”

He pulls the younger kid away from the truck they’re crouched behind. “What are you doin’?” Joel shouts.

“Getting the fuck outta here!” Henry shouts back, but then they stagger back when the next bullet hits the car right in front of them. “Oh shit, oh shit!” They run back, returning to their spots, and Henry looks at Joel. “What do we do?”

Joel glances at the house again. Not a lot of options. Sighing heavily, he tucks his gun into its holster. “All right, stay here,” he tells Ellie, and her panicked expression doubles.

“What?”

He grabs her hand. “If you don’t move, he’s not gonna hit you. I’m gonna go around, try to get in the house through the back, then I’ll take him out.”

“But if you go out there,” she protests, “he’s gonna kill you.”

“It’s dark, and he has shit aim,” Joel shoots back, shaking his head. “No one’s gonna kill me.”

“Then he’s gonna kill us.”

Joel sighs again, squeezes the kid’s hand. “Do you trust me?”

She contemplates it for a second. He can see it on her face. And he doesn’t blame her; he knows she’s mad that he let you stay behind. He could feel it in every step through the tunnels, every time he looked at her. His own guilt is enough, but she…

She nods.

+

As it turns out, you don’t have to tell Kathleen where they are. They find out before you can offer the shoddy information you have. It’s their mistake, truly, when they blindfolded you after grabbing you. Your sense of direction is next to abysmal to begin with, but now you truly have no idea which direction to point them in. 

Shortly after your stand-off, Kathleen’s called away to deal with something, and both she and Perry disappear, leaving you alone in the room, sat in the chair, your hands still cuffed together.

Please let them get away, you think to yourself, tilting your head towards the ceiling. You’ve never been a religious person, and after the damn outbreak you found it very hard to believe that this was all part of some grand plan, but as you sit there and wait, you find yourself praying. Please let them be all right.

You’re not totally sure how much time passes. It wasn’t early by the time you left the office building with Joel and the kids, and your eyes are glued to the window as the sun dips in the sky. Enough time has passed, you think, for them to have gotten out. Unless they ran into any Infected in those tunnels, but even then—

“Time to go.” Perry’s voice cuts through your inner monologue, and your head whips around as he steps back into the room. Your brow furrows as he unlocks the cuffs, but spins you, grabbing both wrists in one hand and zip-tying them together. He takes your arm roughly, dragging you from the room, down the hallways over and over until you reach the lower levels. It’s not the same path he brought you up through, and this one ends in a large garage, Kathleen standing proudly in front of a monstrosity of a truck. The front of it looks more like a snow plow, and you idly wonder if they’d hijacked one of FEDRA’s car-clearing tanks to get all that metal welded to the truck’s front bumper.

“Your usefulness has expired,” she says as you approach, Perry still with a tight grip on your arm. He pushes you forward as she unholsters her gun, pointing it at you almost lazily. “I know exactly where they are, and you’re coming with us.”

Your heartbeat is in your ears. Did she send people ahead already? Is this tank of a truck all they have? What if you’re too late? Please let them be safe, let them be alive, let them be okay.

“Why not just kill me now?” you ask, your stomach roiling with defeat. “Just get it over with.”

She gets in your face, more than she had before, and it makes you flinch as she presses the barrel of her gun to the underside of your jaw. “Because you killed two of our own. Because that man with Henry and Sam, your husband, your boyfriend, I don’t fucking care, I know he killed Bryan. And because Henry Burrell is the reason my brother is dead, and I won’t forgive. I won’t forget. I’ll kill every last one of you because this is how the world is now, Olivia.”

You try to keep your face neutral, stoic, but a tear seeps out of the corner of your eye, betraying you. “Just kill me now.”

“No,” she says, nearly laughing, mocking you. “I can’t do that. Not yet. I need a bargaining chip, don’t I, to get them close enough. It won’t work if you’re dead.”

+

Joel’s just far enough that he can’t hear every word that bitch is saying. Damn his hearing.

He assumes her to be Kathleen, with the way all the soldiers behind her hang off her words, their guns raised for her protection. Joel can just make out the kids ducked behind a truck, and he sees Henry turn to Ellie, say something that has her shaking her head.

“…change your mind,” he picks out the end of her next sentence. Her voice is high, and even at a distance, she’s not the ruthless rebellion leader he’d imagined. 

But then he sees her retreat to the truck she’d gotten out of, opening the rear passenger door.

And pulls you out.

Joel’s blood runs cold.

Your hands are bound in front of you, your bruise like a shadow across your face. You don’t look any worse than when he’d left you, but then Kathleen jams her gun under your chin, fisting your hair and wrenching your head back, and he swings up the rifle, peering through the scope.

There are tears on your face.

“Come on out,” she calls, her voice louder now, loud enough for him to hear her clearly. “And maybe we can make a deal. Henry comes with me, but the three of you, you can—”

“Liar!” you scream, struggling against Kathleen’s grip on you. He has the lines of the scope trained on Kathleen’s forehead; his finger twitches on the trigger. It would be so easy, but her finger is also on her own trigger. You wince and he sees her cock the gun, pressing it harder into your jaw. If he missed, you’d be gone.

But then, just past her, the large truck that had collided with the house and exploded tips forward, disappearing into the earth, engine-first. Scraping metal echoes through the night, but then…

Snarling. Screeching. Shrieking.

Kathleen’s soldiers spread out, guns raised from all sides, and Joel’s finger twitches on the trigger. His eyes dart to Ellie and Sam, crouched behind the car still, and Henry a few steps from them, near-standing, like he was about to give himself over.

Suddenly, they’re everywhere. Scrambling out of the hole, climbing over each other with animal-like movement, snarling and screeching the whole way. The scene before him descends into madness in an instant and the gunfire starts half a second later, the sound of bullets echoing through the night.

Joel sees Henry move back to Ellie and Sam, and his eyes try to find you next, but then his attention is grabbed by an Infected getting too close to the car the kids are crouched behind.

He aims, pulls the trigger, and the thing falls. He sees Ellie’s face turn in his direction, her face full of fear. The kids start running, another getting too close to Ellie, and Joel shoots again. The Infected falls, but so does Ellie, and Joel keeps shooting as he follows her path, heading directly for another car across the road. He takes down another as she clambers through the window, spattering blood on the window, but then—

+

You’ve never seen one that big.

The high-pitched screams, you’re mostly used to them by now. But this…the deep, booming growls, the snarls, the way it thunders towards the group of soldiers.

As soon as the shooting started, you were no longer of interest to Kathleen. She’d released you, but your hands were still bound, and you knew if you didn’t fix that soon, you’d be dead. You had no weapons, no ammunition, nothing.

As the gigantic Infected runs for the soldiers, you hear Perry’s voice, telling Kathleen to run, but they’re out of your eye line. You don’t know if she stays or goes, by the giant Infected screams a moment later, the sound of tearing flesh echoing, and you can’t say for sure which one of them it got its hands on.

Your instincts are kicked into high gear. Find something sharp, free yourself, find Joel. You know he’s up in that house, that he most likely took down the sniper that had given their location to Kathleen. You dart through the mess as quickly as you can, dodging hands that try and grab you. A bullet skims your thigh, ripping through your jeans, and you wince as the blood starts to flow, soaking your pant leg, but you refuse to let it slow you down.

Then you spot it. Her.

There’s a minivan parked on the far side of the street. In the front passenger’s seat, you can just make out a figure, a ponytail, familiar.

Ellie.

And an Infected child, crawling through the open back window.

You sprint, as fast as you can go without losing your balance, ignoring the pain in your leg, trying not to fall. It all happens so fast, and Ellie is scrambling out the door as you slide into her, using your momentum to slam the door shut. The Infected kid inside screams, scratching at the glass, and you lean against the van.

“Shit.”

“Liv!” Ellie nearly yells, and goes to hug you, but then sees your bound hands. “Shit. Here.”

She pulls her knife from her pocket and makes quick work of the zip tie. You reach for each other, getting to your feet as Ellie pushes her gun into your hands. You turn, looking up to the house, and see Joel aiming a rifle down into the chaos.

Ellie calls your name again, tugging at your jacket, and you follow her eyes, seeing what looks like Sam and Henry stuck beneath a parked pick-up, two Infected trying to grab them. You can hear their cries from where you’re standing, and Ellie tugs at you again.

You look back up at Joel, and even from a distance, you see him nod. A shot rings out, whizzing past both your heads and taking down an Infected that had been creeping up on you. “Go,” you urge Ellie, and push her ahead, following behind as your eyes dart left and right, making sure no one lunges at her from the side. The gun in your hand is a welcome weight. Joel fires three more times as you run, taking down three Infected that get too close. He doesn’t miss a single time.

As soon as you reach the truck, you split up, Ellie grabbing the Infected trying to get Sam, you for the one near Henry. You drag the Infected away from the truck, angling it away from the kids before planting the barrel of the gun in the back of its head and pulling the trigger. There’s a screech as Ellie buries her knife in the thing’s neck, and the body thumps to the ground a moment later.

“Come on!” you shout, reaching a hand toward Henry as Ellie pulls Sam to his feet. “Toward the house!”

They take off in that direction, you bringing up the rear, gun still in hand, leg screaming in pain with every step you take. You can only hope that Joel is still watching.

You get right to the edge of the fray when a voice, familiar to you, rings out. “Stop!”

Kathleen stands between you and the chaos, her gun raised, pointing it between the four of you, waving it back and forth almost manically. Like she’s trying to decide where to shoot first.

You make her decision for her, spotting the Infected kid that had tried to get Ellie in the minivan creeping closer to her. Your bullet finds her leg and she drops with a howl as the Infected kid lunges forward, instantly tearing into her throat and face.

“Go!” you command the kids, trying to push them deeper into the trees. Ellie is frozen in place, watching the kid destroy Kathleen. “Ellie.”

“That could have been—” she starts just as Joel breaks through the trees, rifle still in hand.

There’s a half second, a moment where he grabs the back of your jacket, twists the material between his fingers. The kids are still stuck in place, and Ellie is still watching. Finally, Kathleen goes still. “Right now!” he bellows, pushing at Ellie’s shoulder with you. “Move!”

As you push through the trees, you can still hear the shrieking and shouting.

+

Henry leads you all through the darkness, his footing sure as the trees give way to the bridge he’d promised, and then over it, another road, this one much less dense than the suburb you’d left behind, even less so than Kansas City.

It’s a good bit of walking, and it doesn’t take Joel long to notice that you’re injured. You’re favouring one leg, and when he finally has the chance to get close to you, he can smell blood, fresh blood, beneath the gunpowder and that distinct smell of you.

“It’s not deep,” you tell him when he fits himself against your side, tugging one of your arms around his neck to help support your weight. “Just skimmed me.”

“She had you,” he grunts, turning his face against your temple and brushing a kiss across your skin. “I thought she was gonna shoot you.”

You shake your head, tilting your head slightly so it rests against his. “It’s gonna a lot more than a crazy bitch like that to take me down.”

Despite it all, the corner of Joel’s mouth lifts. “Ain’t that the truth.”

You stumble slightly and wince and Joel tightens his grip around your waist. “Henry,” he calls, and Henry turns to look at him, his hand tightly wrapped in Sam’s. “How much longer?”

“About a mile or so,” he answers and Joel nods.

“Think you can make it?” he asks you. He knows you’ll play it off, but between the blood on your leg and the bruise on your face, the no-doubt lingering concussion from the hit you’d taken in the laundromat, he’s more than worried. “We can stop if you need to, we’re far enough away by now.”

You shake your head, and your eyes flick to Ellie, who’s walking beside you, her gaze far away, head tilted toward the ground. “No, we keep going. We need to get somewhere that’s actually safe.”

As promised, a mile or so later, an abandoned motel comes into view. Some of the windows are shattered, but it’s quiet, and Henry leads you to a room on the main level. It’s mostly cleared inside, the windows intact, the door actually locks. As soon as you’re inside and he’s cleared all the rooms, Joel grabs what little first aid you have left in Ellie’s bag. There’s not much, but Henry offers the dregs of a bottle of water and a strip of bandage. It’s not ideal, but it’ll have to do.

Ellie seems to snap partially out of whatever reverie she was in as soon as you’re settled. Joel cleans your leg, the bullet having left a decent hole in your jeans, and wraps the bandage around your thigh. The bleeding has slowed now that you’re off your feet, but he knows you need rest, at least a bit of time to recover. Ellie and Sam claim the bedroom for themselves, and you and Joel and Henry let them.

Henry takes a seat on a stool propped against the wall, picks at the food you’d given them back in the high-rise. Joel settles against the long-cold heater and guides you down beside him, helping you keep your leg straight as you lower yourself to the floor. He puts his arm around your shoulders, tucks you against his chest.

You’re all shaken, there’s no getting around that. He can see in Henry’s face, the shake of his hands. He can feel it in you, the way you burrow closer to him, squeeze your hands around one of his. From the bedroom, you can all hear Sam and Ellie carrying on, Ellie reading out one of the comic books from her bag.

“You think they’ll be okay?” Henry asks, and when Joel looks at him, he can see his eyes are on the kids.

He feels you nod slightly, but Joel’s the one that speaks. “Yeah, I think,” he pauses, reaches his hand up and brushes his fingers through your hair. “It’s easier when you’re a kid, anyway.” Ellie continues reading, and Henry’s eyes slide back to Joel. He continues. “You don’t have anybody else relying on you. That’s the hard part.”

Your hands tighten around his and he turns his head, kisses your forehead.

“Well, I guess we’re doing a good job then,” Henry replies.

You perk up slightly. “We’re doing all we can, protecting them.”

Joel nods, juts his chin toward the bedroom. “What’s that comic book say? Endure and survive?”

“Endure and survive,” Henry repeats with another nod, but Joel can hear the fear in his voice, sees it on his face when he turns back to him. His eyes are shiny. “That shit’s redundant.”

Joel grins. “Yeah, it’s not great.”

Henry laughs. “No.”

You squeeze Joel’s hand again, and the words seem to just flow from his mouth. “Look, I don’t know exactly how we’re gettin’ to Wyoming. We’re probably walking, and it’s gonna be slow goin’. But, you know, if you want to—”

“Come with us, is what he’s trying to say,” you finish, perking up again. You lift your head from Joel’s shoulder, turning to look at Henry. “I’m sure there’s more than enough space, and we need all the help we can get out here.”

“Yeah,” Henry nods, looking between you two. “Yeah, um, yeah, I think it’d be nice for Sam to have a friend. I’ll tell him in the morning. New day, new start.”

You nod. “New day, new start.”

You let the kids read for another hour or so, and Joel makes sure you stay in place while he finds the means for a makeshift bed. Henry goes into the bedroom to tell them lights out as Joel moves you onto the pile of blankets and foam he’s managed to find. He waits until Henry’s closed the door, settled onto his own makeshift bed, and the room is dark. 

“I would have come back,” he murmurs softly, the two of you face-to-face, his arm around your waist, your hands tucked against his chest. “If they hadn’t, I would have—”

You stop him with a finger to his lips. “But they did. And I’m here. I’m fine, and you don’t need to worry about it, okay?”

“You’re not fine,” he grits. “We don’t have the truck anymore, Liv. From here to Wyoming, I don’t know how we’re gonna—”

You cut him off with your lips this time, a hard kiss pressed to his mouth as you take his face in your hands. “We’ll figure it out, Joel,” you say after a moment, pulling away. He can just make out your face in the dark. “We always do. I’ll be fine, and you’re fine, and the kids are fine. We’ll be okay.”

“We go slow,” he insists, snaking his hand up the back of your shirt, flattening his palm against your spine. “Slow as you need.”

You nod, kissing him again. “Okay, old man. We go slow.”

Joel ignores the quip, pulling your torso tighter against his, wrapping both arms around you.

You’re fine.

+

You all wake to the screaming.

The bedroom door bursts open and Ellie falls to the floor, Sam snarling and wailing at her. When you realize what’s happening, you go to jump to your feet, but your leg sings in pain and you stagger against the wall. Joel left his gun on the ground beside you, and he lunges for it, but Henry gets there first.

“Nope, nope, nope,” he chants as Joel gets to his feet, instantly positioning himself in front of you as Ellie screams both your names. Everything in you wants to dart forward, but Joel holds his arm out in front of you.

Joel goes to step forward and Henry shoots at his feet. Ellie is struggling against Sam, sobbing as she does it. Tears flood your own face and you scream at Henry. “Stop!”

Joel growls at Henry as he points the gun at him, lifting both his hands in the air. “Liv!” Ellie screams, and you try to inch around Joel, but then Henry points the gun at you.

“No!”

“Ellie!” you scream, and Henry swings the gun away from you and Joel.

The bullet echoes and Sam falls to the floor. There’s a spray of blood on the wall behind him.

For a moment, everything is deathly silent, except for the sound of Ellie breathing. They’re panicked breaths, and as soon as Joel lowers his arms, you hear him call her name, but you lunge forward, damn your leg, and reach for her. She lets you pull her away from Sam’s body and you slide back across the floor, your arms as tight around her shoulders as hers are around your middle.

She continues to breathe heavily against your collar, and you can feel her tears soaking your shirt. “You’re okay,” you murmur to her, putting one hand against her hair, rocking her softly. You’re running on adrenaline and instinct, and she clings to you.

“Ellie,” Joel says again, “are you okay?”

He takes a step forward, and Henry points the gun at him again.

“Easy, easy, easy,” Joel chants, putting his hands in the air.

“No, Henry, please,” you start, tightening your grip on Ellie. “Please, just—”

“Henry, give me the gun,” Joel says, his voice nearly shaking.

“Give him the gun,” you echo and Ellie muffles a sob against your chest.

“What did I do?” Henry says, staring between you all. Then his eyes land on his brother’s unmoving form. “What did I do? Sam?”

“Henry, give me the gun,” Joel repeats. “Gimme the gun.”

“Henry, please,” you say, “give—”

The shot rings out just as Joel screams, “Henry, no!”

Ellie whimpers as his body hits the floor.

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#strawberry wine #linzee’s fic recs

[thismustbefakeme]

I’m going to DEVOUR this

Tale As Old As Time | A Joel Miller Fantasy AU (Masterlist)

Summary | A Prince, cursed to be unloved, hardened by years of staring at his scars and sitting in his loneliness. A girl, headstrong and wanting of adventure, to escape the life curated for her, a breath of fresh air against the dark of his heart and his home. Can she really learn to love the beast he has become? Truly, a tale as old as time.

Pairing | Joel Miller x F!Reader (A Beauty And The Beast AU)

Fic Warnings | 18+ Minors DNI, Dark themes, Explicit Smut, no fur involved, kidnapping, violence, explicit descriptions of scars/violent injuries, consumption of alcohol and food, a period drama piece, no use of Y/N, descriptions of magic (this is a fantasy AU), talk of arranged marriages/betrothal.

Fic Notes | Honestly, just a huge thank you to my girl @cavillscurls for not only trusting me with this exciting new project, but for creating the most gorgeous moodboard. This one is for you. My first foray into AU so please be kind.

Chapters

Chapter One - Coming Soon

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

[thismustbefakeme]

“You’re very brave Ken.” “Thank you Barbie.”

#barbie #barbie fanart #barbie movie #ryan gosling #margot robbie #barbie and ken

[thismustbefakeme]

Clive Rosfield exists:

Me:

#clive rosfield #final fantasy vxi #ffxvi #clive ffxvi

[thismustbefakeme]

strawberry wine - joel miller x ofc!liv stone/fem!reader

after - part twenty-seven

series masterlist | main masterlist | read on ao3

you reach Kansas City, things don’t go exactly as planned.

a/n: remember when I said this was gonna be up what a week ago? MY BAD. love you all🤍

word count: 8.6k

warnings: if you’ve been reading this far, you know the drill. a good chunk of violence in this one.

✨@friskito-library for updates on new parts/works✨

Ellie wakes to a strange rattling noise. It sounds almost liquidy, but metallic at the same time, but definitely fucking annoying.

With a quiet groan, she pokes her head out of the sleeping bag, finding the source of the noise. There’s some kind of container on the camping stove, like a taller version of the pot she’d watched you warm the ravioli up in last night, but more narrow, the handle attached at two ends instead of one.

The sun’s up, the ground beneath her isn’t as hard as she anticipated, and slowly, she rolls onto her knees, still encased in the sleeping bag as she shuffles forward to inspect the thing on the stove. The lid looks like plastic, and she can see the liquid inside, dark brown and sputtering as she flips the lid.

The smell hits her like a damn truck, and she groans loudly. “Ugh! What the fuck is that?”

She hears your instant laughter, turning to see both you and Joel standing at the back of the truck, packing things back up. You have the rifle slung across your back, and Joel lifts his brows at Ellie. “You don’t like coffee?”

She makes a face in response, rolling back over and flopping onto her back, and you appear a moment later, backlit by the cloudy sun, hands on your hips. “Up and at ‘em, kid. We need to get a move on.”

Once all the packing is done, you and Joel start to bicker about who’s driving first. Joel keeps insisting that he take the first shift, and you keep reminding him that you took the first watch, so you drive first. Ellie doesn’t miss the way his jaw goes tight when your voice drops and you say something he can’t make out, but then he shoves the thermos of coffee at you, stalking towards the trucks and climbing into the backseat. Your eyes follow him, but then shoot back to Ellie, who nearly flinches, reaching for her bag. “Let’s go.”

It takes Joel all of five minutes to pass out in the backseat, and you shake your head, glancing at him over your shoulder as you pull back onto the highway, the truck wobbling slightly as it goes from grass to asphalt.

“Stubborn as fuck, I tell you.”

Ellie settles deeper into her seat. You leave the radio off to let Joel sleep, and when you reach for the thermos, Ellie keeps her voice low. “Is that seriously what those Starbucks in the QZ used to sell?”

“Hah, they had better stuff than this. Bill had a stockpile, but none of it was as fresh as theirs.”

She wrinkles her nose. “It smells like burnt shit.”

You huff a little laugh. “Used to be able to get it with all kinds of stuff, caramel, cinnamon, hazelnut. Smelled like a damn dream.” You jut your chin towards the little door in front of Ellie’s legs. “Open that, yeah? Get the map out. I think I know where I’m going, but the last thing we need is to get lost.”

“Wouldn’t want that,” Ellie agrees, and reaches for the handle. The door drops open when she pulls on it, and fishes the maps out, unfolding it in her lap. “Have you ever been to Wyoming before?”

“Never,” you reply, sipping the coffee again. She watches as you close the cap one-handed, your other braced on top of the steering wheel. “We moved around a bit when I was a kid, but I guess it’s not far from where my sister was born, now that I think about it.”

“You have a sister?” Ellie asks instantly, her curiosity piqued. She’s still not quite sure what it is about you that has her so curious, her questions coming one after another. And she’s no fool, she knows Joel has about had it with the questions, but you indulge her, and it’s…it’s nice.

“Had,” you say quickly, and Ellie bites her tongue, instantly regretting it, wondering if you’re about to make another rule for her, like you had back in Lincoln. “She was in Austin, with our parents, but then Joel found her in Cincinnati. She, uh, she died. She got bit and FEDRA dragged her off.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

You lift a shoulder, moving both hands to the steering wheel. Your eyes are glued to the windshield in front of you.

But Ellie can’t help herself. She wants to know; she has to know. “What about your parents?”

“Remember how I told you they bombed Boston?” you say, and Ellie nods, remembering the story, the craters in the streets, how it looks like a fucked-up moon. “Austin was overrun, and FEDRA levelled the city. My parents were in a shelter when they dropped the bombs, and no one survived.”

The map flutters in Ellie’s grip as her finger curl, the paper crinkling. “I…”

“You don’t have to say you’re sorry, kid,” you say, but she can see the strange expression on your face, something she doesn’t have a name for. “It happened a long time ago.”

You both go quiet for a while, and the only sound is the rumble of the truck, Joel’s quiet breathing in the backseat, and the rustle of the map as Ellie tries to figure out where you are, where you’re going. You offer help where you can, splitting your focus between the road and the map. “Right about there,” you point, “that’s where we camped.”

“Okay, so it’s 76 West, and then 70 West for, like, ever.”

“Then Wyoming?”

Ellie nods in agreement. “And then Wyoming. Do we know where in Wyoming, exactly?”

You shake your head. “Joel knows. There’s a radio tower that we used to send messages through it; I can’t remember the city. Last we heard from Tommy, that’s where it came from.”

“Tommy is Joel’s brother?”

“He is,” Joel answers, startling you both. He leans forward from the backseat, reaching for the thermos of coffee. “The tower is in Cody.”

Ellie turns back to the map, ignoring the loud slurp as Joel drinks from the thermos. “Cody…Cody.” She spots it, along the fold in the map. “Ah, man, that is deep up in there.”

“Great,” you mumble, reaching for the thermos as Joel hands it to you.

“Yeah,” Joel grumbles in response, and Ellie sees the way his hand lingers on your shoulder, squeezing lightly.

“And if he’s not there?” she asks.

“Then odds are, he’ll be near a settlement,” Joel replies, “probably close to another city. Ain’t too many of ‘em in Wyoming, thankfully.”

Ellie’s eyes find another city name on the map. “Chee-Yen.”

“Cheyenne,” you correct, and she looks at you.

“Che—really?”

The corner of your mouth quirks and you nod. “Really.”

“Cheyenne,” Ellie repeats, searching for more cities. “Laramie. Casper?” Another question piques, and she turns to Joel. “Is Tommy older than you or younger than you?”

His brow furrows in that way of his and he reaches for the thermos again. “Younger.”

“Why isn’t he with you?”

“Long story.”

“You people and your long stories,” Ellie groans, tipping her head back. “Is it longer than twenty-five hours? Cuz I think that’s what we got.”

Joel sighs, and she sees his eyes flick up, no doubt meeting yours in the mirror. Your grin is gone, your lips now pressed into a tight line.

Another sigh, and then the man speaks. “Tommy’s what we used to call a ‘joiner,’” he starts, fiddling with the cap on the thermos. “Dreams of becomin’ a hero. So, he enlisted in the army right outta high school. Few months later, they ship him off to Desert Storm. It’s what they called that war, it doesn’t matter. Point is, bein’ in the army didn’t make him feel much like a hero. Cut to twelve years later, outbreak happens, and he convinces me to join a group makin’ their way out to Baltimore, which I did, mostly to keep an eye on him, keep him alive. That’s where we met Tess, and her husband. That whole crew. We, uh…”

He trails off, and Ellie sees his eyes flick up again. You adjust your hands on the steering wheel.

“Well,” he continues after a beat, staring down into the thermos, “for what it was, it worked. Until it didn’t. We got kicked outta Baltimore, Tommy convinces us to try Boston, and…”

Ellie looks at you. “And then you found each other again.”

You nod slowly, your lips still pressed together.

“We did,” Joel agrees. “And it worked, again, being in the QZ, keepin’ ourselves busy, keepin’ the smuggling under the radar. Then Tommy meets Marlene, and she talks him into joinin’ the Fireflies. Same mistake he made when he was eighteen.” He shakes his head. “Wants to save the world. Pipe dream. Him, Fireflies, all of ‘em, delusional.”

You inhale sharply.

“‘Course, last I heard,” Joel says, “he quit the Fireflies, too. So now he’s on his own out there, and…we gotta go get him.”

It goes silent in the truck again, save for your quiet swallow as Joel gives you the thermos again. But it’s only a moment before Ellie breaks it. “If you don’t think there’s hope for the world, why bother going on? I mean, you gotta try, right?”

Joel’s brow pinches again. “You haven’t seen the world, so you don’t know.” His eyes flick up again, but yours stay glued to the road ahead. “You keep goin’ for family. That’s about it.”

“I’m not family,” Ellie says, and ignores the way the words make her chest hurt.

“No,” Joel says instantly. “You’re cargo. We made a promise to Tess, and she was like family.”

She turns her head away from him, staring at the world rolling by outside. “What if you don’t find him?”

“We will,” you answer, a strange waver in your voice. “We’re persistent people, Ellie. Capable people. We’ll find Tommy, and we’ll get you to the Fireflies.”

She’s too distracted by the weird tone in your voice to notice the truck rolling to a stop. You push the stick on the middle console forward, and your eyes flick up to Joel’s.

“Outside. Now.” Before Ellie can say a word, you’re getting out of the truck, your eyes flashing to her before you shut the door. “Stay here. I just need a minute.”

Ellie just watches, the truck wobbling slightly as Joel shuffles out after you, slamming his door shut. You walk around to the front of the truck, your hands clenched into fists at your sides, and Joel follows.

+

“Cargo?” you shout, whirling on him when Joel reaches for your arm, your name halfway out of his mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me, Joel?”

“What are you—”

“She’s a person,” you nearly cry, grabbing the front of his jacket with both hands. “She’s just a kid, Joel. You can’t fucking…Cargo?”

“I’m sorry,” Joel grunts, wrapping a hand around your wrist. “It just came out, all right? I didn’t mean to—”

“I’m gonna say it once,” you say, smacking his hand away, pointing a finger in his chest. “Don’t ever call her that again. You hear me? She’s not fucking cargo.”

He just stares at you for a moment, lifting his hand again. When you don’t immediately smack it away again, he curls his fingers around your wrist, tugging on your hand. “Liv, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”

He lifts a brow. “I don’t know the last time you snapped on me like this, so maybe you are.” He presses his fingers against your pulse. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”

You try to turn away from him, but he sees your bottom lip wobble, and pulls you back. “Last night, I just…I let my mind wander.”

“And?”

“And this feels like some kind of karmic joke,” you say, shrugging your shoulder, your eyes going shiny. “We’ve been hiding what I am for what, almost fifteen years? We could have stopped this a long time ago, and yet somehow, here we are, doing favours for Marlene of all people, putting our asses on the line, taking this kid across the country on a wing and prayer, and for what? To make up for all the terrible shit we did? She could save the damn world, and I’d still feel guilty.”

“Liv, you don’t have to—”

“I know,” you say, cutting him off, lifting a hand in the air. “I know why we made the choices we did, Joel. And I don’t regret them — I don’t regret choosing you over everything else. I never will. Ever. But this kid? She’s not just cargo, okay? It’s more than that. And don’t try to tell me that it’s not.”

Joel swallows hard, the guilt gnawing at his gut, and he pulls you against his chest, his words muffled by your hair. “I made you a promise,” he says, your words from the forest echoing through his head. “No questions asked. And…it is more than that. I know that. I just…”

He pulls back, holding you at arm’s length, and his eyes catch on his watch, just visible past the cuff of his jacket. Your eyes follow his, and you cover it with your hand, brushing your fingers against the band. “Joel.”

“We need to keep goin’,” he says, effectively ending the conversation. He turns on his heel, swallowing down the barrage of emotion that’s crept up his throat. You don’t fight him as you follow, slipping your hand into his as you walk back to the truck. From the corner of his eye, he sees you wipe your cheeks, and you don’t say a word as he gets into the driver’s seat, you taking his place in the back.

Ellie glances between the two of you as he shifts the truck back into drive, the tires starting to roll as his foot comes off the break. “Ya got up pretty early,” he says to the kid. “If you wanna grab some more sleep.”

He can see the flash of protest in her face, but then she nods. In the backseat, you pull your jacket over you like a blanket, curling up on the seat. Joel pushes the gas pedal, the engine revving as he finds a comfortable speed. He puts the Linda Ronstadt cassette back in, keeps the volume low enough, and it’s not long before you’re both asleep. He finishes off the coffee, gripping the steering wheel one-handed as the grey sky starts to darken, but not into night. 

He can almost smell it, the shift in the air, the feeling of rain before it comes. His joints ache, and he can hear your voice in his head: old man. He keeps his eyes on the road, humming along with the cassette, and when she croons out Bill and Frank’s song again, his eyes dart to your sleeping form in the backseat.

His eyes slide to Ellie next, passed out in the passenger’s seat, her head tipped back, mouth wide open. That thing crawls up his throat again, but he swallows it back, shakes his head, clears his throat.

Not now.

The thunder starts first, loud rumbles that echo inside the truck cab. You both sleep through the first few, but as the rain starts to fall, he hears you stirring, one hand reaching for his arm, calling his name softly.

“We might have to stop for a bit,” he tells you, covering your hand with his free one. “Dunno how bad it’s gonna get.”

Not thirty minutes later, and he’s pulling the truck to the side of the road, trying to tuck it amongst other abandoned vehicles. Ellie wakes a little later, clearly confused, and you put a hand on her shoulder as you explain why you’ve stopped. Joel does his best to ignore the twist that forms in his gut, seeing you be gentle with her.

Not here.

Thankfully all the food is in the cab of the truck, so you fish out some dry stuff, trail mix and some semi-stale crackers, a sports drink passed between the three of you. Ellie makes a face at the yellow colour, and Joel shakes his head. “They all taste the same.”

“They do not,” you laugh, taking the bottle from Ellie. “Is it weird to say the yellow ones were my favourite?”

“Yes,” Ellie says instantly, making a face as you take a big sip. “It literally looks like pee!”

“Lemon-flavoured,” you shoot back, waggling your eyebrows. The kid barks a laugh, and Joel chews the inside of his cheek to stop from smiling.

A few more puns are told, Joel shaking his head at you both, and you field a few more of Ellie’s questions. Only one of them has you glancing in his direction, unable to give her an answer. Are all the QZs like Boston?

“No,” he says bluntly, staring out the truck windshield, at the watery world beyond, smudged through the soaked glass, “no, they aren’t.”

It’s answer enough for the kid.

The rain refuses to let up, and it’s getting cold in the cab of the truck. You and Ellie switch places, some artful manoeuvring on your part that ends with you more in Joel’s lap than the passenger’s seat. You linger a moment, and he brushes his hand across your back before you’re folding yourself into the other seat. You’d thought to stick the sleeping bags in the cab as well, and Ellie unzips hers, tucking it around herself as she settles into the backseat. It’s not long at all until she’s passed out again, face buried in the sleeping bag.

You shed your boots, and Joel reaches for your sore ankle again, rubbing the same way he had in the forest. You hum happily, leaning half against the door, half against the seat. The blanket is settled over you both, stretched across the console, and Joel lets his hand snake a bit up your pant leg, fingers seeking your warm skin, massaging your muscles.

“You are damn good at that, Joel Miller,” you murmur, watching him from your spot, your head cocked to the side.

He lets the corner of his mouth lift. “I’m an expert when it comes to touching you, baby.”

Your grin matches his. “Ain’t that the truth.”

You both fall quiet, and the only noise is the patter of the rain on the roof of the truck, the softer noise of it against the windows, and Ellie’s quiet breathing. He doesn’t let up on your ankle, and for a long moment, you just stare at each other, your head still tilted to the side, Joel looking up at you under his eyelashes.

“I’m sorry, for snapping on you earlier,” you say, pushing your head against your fist. Your eyes are shiny again.

He squeezes his hand around your leg, pressing into the muscle of your calf. “You don’t have to apologize, Liv.”

“I do,” you say, your voice insistent, and you reach across the space between you, fingers curling in his sleeve, tugging his hands into yours. “It wasn’t fair of me, I just—”

“You were looking out for the kid,” he says, tangling your fingers together. “I know that.”

Both of your heads turn, looking at Ellie’s sleeping form in the back. Joel doesn’t let his gaze linger, focusing on your linked finger instead.

“What are we gonna do, Joel,” you ask, “when this is all over?” When he doesn’t answer right away, you elaborate. “After we get her to the Fireflies, I mean. After we find Tommy.”

He squeezes your knuckles with his own. “I haven’t really thought that far, if I’m bein’ honest.” His brow furrows as he looks at you, sees something unspoken on your face. “Why, what are you thinkin’, baby?”

You lift your shoulder slowly. “I thought maybe…maybe we go back to Lincoln. Bill’s bunker was still full, even after we took what we did. We could give them a proper funeral, clean the place up again, build the walls up. Have our own place.” Your eyes drop to your lap. “Our own home.”

“Is that what you imagined for us?” Joel asks you, reaching over and cupping your chin in his palm, lifting your eyes to his. You lean into his touch, bending forward to make it easier for him. “White picket fence, big house with a yard…” 

The last part goes unspoken, but it’s loud as hell in his mind.

…kids?

Your face twists, a sad smile on your lips as you cover his hand with yours, keeping his hand against your cheek. “You know, I never actually let myself imagine it after I left Austin. Cuz when I finally let myself want that with you, I had to let you go, and once I let himself start to want you again, the world ended.”

Joel’s throat goes thick. You’ve never told him that before. “Want me…again?”

You nod into his palm. “Our birthday. You called me, and we talked, and you—”

“I asked you if Dean had proposed.”

Another nod. “And I told you if he asked, I would have said no. And you told me that you’d always be there for me. I thought about it the whole way home, and I just…” You turn your head, pressing a soft kiss to the centre of his palm. “I never stopped wanting you, Joel. Never stopped loving you. I can’t ever stop.”

A single tear slides down your cheek, and Joel reaches for you, centre console be damned. “C’mere,” he husks, hauling you into his lap, arranging your limbs until you’re comfortable, the blanket now draped over you both. His words are muffled by your hair. “Love you so goddamned much.”

You tilt your head back to press a kiss to the scruff of his jaw. “Love you more.”

+

The road is clear, until it’s not.

You’re not totally sure where you are. The maps have you a bit turned around, and it’s hard as hell to pinpoint a location on the map. You’re in the passenger’s seat again, Joel behind the wheel, Ellie in the back. You split your gaze between the maps and the outside, trying to find some kind of marker, some landmark that might help you figure out where you are. But too many signs are rusted away, the names snapped in half, the highway signs rotted and scattered in pieces on the highway. 

Eventually, things start to look more…industrial. You’re at a loss; you haven’t been this far out of Boston since the outbreak, and even before, you never went Northwest. An overpass has you squinting at the maps, trying to find the number, but the vehicles have grown more concentrated, and Joel manoeuvres the truck around an abandoned ambulance, but then hits the breaks, seeing an eighteen-wheeler stretched sideways along the tunnel beneath the overpass, effectively blocking the way.

“Stay put,” you tell Ellie, tossing the maps onto the dashboard. Joel gestures to the rifle in the backseat and Ellie hands it to him, while you unholster your gun, sliding out of the passenger’s side. 

You walk towards the blocked tunnel slowly, both of your gazes sweeping left and right, every rustle of leaves in the wind making your sense prickle. You feel…uneasy.

Glancing back at the truck, you can see Ellie through the windshield, leaning between the front seats, concern evident on her face. “Joel,” you call as he sinks to one knee, peering through the small space beneath the eighteen-wheeler’s trailer, “we’re not getting through this. None of these cars are movable.” You gesture around, the smashed cars and rusted-out vans only proving your point. “You even know where we are?”

“Kansas City,” he supplies.

You scratch your fingers across your forehead. “Missouri?”

“Sure as fuck ain’t Wyoming,” he grunts, and reaches out a hand. You haul him to his feet, holstering your gun as you start back to the truck. “I need to look at the map.”

Ellie glances between you as you get back into the truck, instantly handing Joel the map, trying to make sense of one of the smaller ones. “How far back are we gonna have to go to get around this?” you ask Joel, jutting your chin at the map in his hands. He traces his finger across the highway lines, but doesn’t say anything, just sighs. “Joel?”

“Screw it,” he says, and shifts the truck into reverse. Ellie falls back into her seat as Joel tosses you the maps.

“What are you doing?”

“We can jog right around this tunnel,” he says, three-point-turning the truck around, bracing his hand on the back of your seat as he does so, “take the next ramp,” he shifts it into drive, “and we’re back on the road, a minute tops.”

You reach for the map again, not totally convinced as he drives off the on-ramp, leading away from the tunnel.

Somehow, you end up in the city.

“We’re going the wrong way,” you say, shaking your head at him as the buildings start to become more and more concentrated. “Joel, this is taking us in the opposite direction of the highway.”

“Well, then where the fuck is the highway?” he shoots back at you, exasperated. His tone makes you bristle. “Tell me which way to go.”

“I don’t know where it is,” you say, smacking your hand against the map. “I’m all turned around, and I have no clue where the fuck we are right now.”

He glances over you, turning onto the next street. “Don’t look at the state map, Liv, look at the inset.”

“You look at the fucking inset!” You heave a sigh, shoving your hand through your hair. “Sorry, I’ve never been to Kansas fucking City before. We’re going…north. I think.”

“And the highway is—”

“West,” Ellie supplies from the backseat, and when you shoot her a look over your shoulder, she shrugs her shoulders, holds her hands out apologetically.

“Okay, so it’s gotta be the right,” Joel grunts, but then shakes his head, murmuring what the fuck?

“We’re going in a circle,” you sigh, dropping the map in your lap. “We’re just—”

“Stop!” Ellie says suddenly, leaning between the seats. Joel slams on the brakes, the tires screeching as the truck come to a halt. She points out Joel’s window. “Is that the QZ?”

Your heart slams against your ribs as you see the QZ wall. It looks…abandoned, for lack of a much better word. The gate in the wall is wide open, and your hand shoots out, landing on Joel’s leg, curling your fingers in the fabric of his jeans. “Where the fuck is FEDRA?”

“Hey!” someone shouts, and you nearly jump out of your skin. Joel goes rigid. “Please help!”

The man stumbles forward on the street ahead of you, clutching his side, half-draped in a blanket. “Seatbelts,” Joel grits out, and you do as he says, turning to make sure Ellie gets hers on.

She stares at you wide-eyed as Joel grips the wheel, steps on the gas. “Aren’t we gonna help him?”

“No,” you reply, pressing yourself against the seat as the truck accelerates down the road. “No, we’re not.”

The man shouts, diving for cover, and you spot someone on the fire escape of the building on the right side of the road. “Joel!” you shout, the rev of the engine nearly drowning you out, but a moment later, the windshield crunches, a cinderblock splintering the glass. The impact throws the truck of course for a second, but Joel straightens it out, just in time for the tires to roll over a spike strip in the road. You can hear the air hissing from the tires, the truck rocking from left to right across the road. Ellie squeaks from the backseat, and you throw your arm back, your chest going tight when her hand wraps in yours.

Another man blocks the road, lifting a gun and pointing it right at the truck. Joel shouts a curse, cranking the wheel all the way to the right, and the truck nearly slides across the pavement, speeding right through the glass front of a laundromat. The hood crunches inward as it slams into the row of washing machines, and you’re jolted in your seat, your arm bent at an awkward angle, hand still wrapped around Ellie’s.

“You okay?” Joel asks, palm coming down on your leg. “You’re not hurt?”

You shake your head. “No, I’m fine,” you reply, gritting your teeth against the slight pain in your shoulder. “Nothing major. Ellie?”

“I don’t think so,” she answers, a waver in her voice.

Gunshots ring out, and you all duck on instinct. It keeps coming, shattering the glass doors of the machines, and Joel pushes at your shoulder, ripping your hand from Ellie’s. “Belts off, out of the truck!” he shouts, more gunshots cutting him off. You do as he says, reaching for the handle of the door. They keep shooting and you reach for the back door the moment you’re out, nearly yanking Ellie out of the truck. Joel goes for the rifle, and when you shut the door again, you put Ellie between you two, leaning against the truck as Joel loads the gun. She has your bat clutched in her hands.

There are more of them, more gunshots ringing through the laundromat, pinging off the body of the truck, flying over your heads to the back wall. Joel meets your eyes over Ellie’s head, and you draw your gun in one hand, and reach for the bat with the other. Ellie gives it willingly. You look around for something — anything — that might help, and finally, you spot a hole in the wall to your right, a kid-sized hole in the drywall leading to the other side.

“Ellie,” you say quietly, putting your hand on her arm. It makes her flinch. “You see that hole over there?” She follows your eyes, her chin lowering once. “You’re gonna squeeze through it, okay?” Gunfire cuts you off, and she grabs your hand, squeezing it between both of hers, her palms clammy. 

“Last chance!” the fuckers outside yell. It makes your gut twist.

You shake your head, your attention turning to the kid, who now has a faraway expression on her face. “Ellie. When I say go, you crawl to the wall, you squeeze through, and you don’t come out until one of us gets you, okay?”

A bullet shatters the passenger’s side window, glass raining down on you. Out of reflex, you throw yourself over Ellie, protecting her. Her head whips around as more bullets ping off the truck. “They’re not gonna hit you,” Joel tells her. Her eyes are everywhere, and you try to brush glass away as Joel grabs the front of her coat. “Look at me!”

She listens. A bullet skims off the concrete floor beside your hand and it makes you flinch, an unseen mark, the burn of metal making you snatch your hand up off the floor. 

“They’re not gonna hit you,” Joel says, his eyes locked with Ellie’s. “You stay down, you stay low, you stay quiet. Okay?”

“Okay,” she says meekly, with a nod.

“Go!” Joel shouts, and you both swing upwards, aiming your weapons. From the corner of your eye, you can see Ellie slide across the floor. You just keep shooting, training your gun on anything that moves until you know she’s against the wall. You empty your clip, dropping to your knee to reload, and she’s through the hole, behind the wall.

She’s safe.

You and Joel pull the trigger at the same time, your bullets finding new homes, dropping two of your attackers. “Motherfuckers!” someone yells, and you drop back down behind the truck. Your chest is heaving, your eyes darting to the hole in the wall. Joel whispers your name, juts his chin toward an old vending machine at the back of the laundromat. He moves first, and you follow, feeling his hand on your back, pushing you to safety.

The crunch of glass gives the guy away, and you straighten, pushing Joel’s shoulder down and pulling the trigger at the same time. It only takes one shot to drop him. You’re trying to catch your breath, forcing your eyes away from the blood now pooling around the guy’s head. Joel pulls the lever on the rifle, but it’s jammed. He curses, yanking on it hard, just as back doors you hadn’t noticed burst open, a new opponent barreling through.

Without thinking, you throw yourself in the line of fire, angling yourself in front of Joel. There’s a barrel of a shotgun in your face, and your instincts kick into gear. You swing the bat up, knocking the barrel away as the man pulls the trigger, the shot hitting the ceiling instead of you. But it’s not enough to loosen his grip.

The butt of the shotgun cracks across your face a second later, your vision instantly tinging black, and you go toppling, your head hitting the ground hard. Joel screams your name, but the sound is distant. The bat skitters out of your grip, but you have the wherewithal to keep your fingers tight around your gun. Joel, where is J—

You black out for a moment, the world slipping away completely, but a loud bang yanks you back, pained grunting following. “Now you’re gonna fuckin’ pay!” Your head lolls to the side, and you can’t quite make out what’s happening. Your head screams at you to move, and you see Joel’s boots scraping against the floor. Someone’s on him, someone’s—

Another shot rings out. It makes your ears ring. Someone shouts, and Joel starts coughing. He’s gasping, wheezing, crawling on his hands and knees toward you. He grabs your face in his hands, and something on your cheek feels hot, too hot. “Liv,” he calls, his voice hoarse. “Baby, are you okay?”

Slowly, he helps you up. Your head is spinning, but over his shoulder, you see Ellie step forward, her gun trained on your attacker, now sprawled on the floor. Joel’s eyes follow yours, and they widen when he sees her weapon of choice. The realization makes your heart twist; she shot the guy attacking you.

Joel pulls his hand from your face, and you see it’s covered in blood. The man groans, and when he spots Ellie and her gun, he lifts his hands in surrender. “No, no, no, no, it’s okay! It’s over! We’re not fighting anymore.” He wheezes, clearly in pain, and Joel gets to his feet, reaching down for you, his eyes trained on the guy.

He looks young. Too young.

“I’m gonna go home,” he says, “and I’ll tell everyone you’re good.” He starts crying, his voice going high-pitched. “I don’t know what to do! My legs don’t work!”

Even through your haze, you can put two and two together. She must have hit him in the spine.

“My mom isn’t far,” he continues, near sobbing. “If you could get me to her.” His eyes cut to you and Joel, now on your feet. You stumble slightly, but Joel has a tight grip on you. “We could trade with you guys. We could be friends. I didn’t know. I’m Bryan. I’m Bryan.”

Still with a tight grip on you, Joel turns to Ellie. She lowers the gun, and he holds his hand out. You open your mouth to say something, but she sniffs, shaking her head, and hands it to him. One-handed, Joel tucks it into the waist of his jeans.

“Take her,” he says to Ellie, and it takes a second for you to realize he’s referring to you. His grip on you disappears, and for a moment, you think you might topple over, but Ellie fits herself beneath your arm, one arm tight around your waist, tugging your arm around her shoulders.

Joel pulls out his knife. “Wait, wait, wait!” Bryan shouts, and pulls a knife from his belt, letting it clatter to the floor. “You can have it! It’s a good knife.”

“Turn around,” Joel says, nailing Ellie with dark eyes that send a chill down your spine. His tone clears away some of the haze in your head. “Now.”

“No, no, no, no!” Bryan shouts again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Liv,” Joel calls, his tone still shiver-inducing. Blinking hard, you turn Ellie towards the wall, angling yourself in front of her. She’s still holding you upright, and buries her face in your chest. You can feel the tears on her cheeks, and you lift your hand, letting it rest on the back of her head. 

“Please, please, please,” Bryan whimpers.

“Cover your ears,” you whisper to Ellie, propping your chin on the top of her head. Blood drips down your face, sticky and hot, and you ignore it as best you can, though it’s hard to ignore the throb in your cheek.

“I’m sorry, please! You don’t have to! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please!”

Ellie’s breathing gets heavy, the front of your shirt almost damp with it.

You hear Joel take the man’s life. You wait until the gasping stops, and then you tap Ellie’s shoulder. “It’s over.” For a moment, she doesn’t move, squeezing both arms around you. You sway slightly, and Joel’s hand touches between your shoulders. It makes you flinch, and Ellie jumps back, pressing herself to the wall.

He’s got your chin in his hand a second later, turning your head slightly, giving you a once-over. “You okay? Nothing broken?”

“Hurts,” you admit, and he wipes away a bit of the blood with his sleeve. “I’ll live.”

Ellie’s eyes dart past Joel, towards where Bryan lies, and he steps to the side, blocking her view, taking you with him. Joel gestures to the hole. “Need you to find a door or something, we’re not gonna fit through that.”

She nods, her lip quivering, and immediately climbs back through the hole, disappearing from view. Joel grabs your chin again, and you notice how heavy his breathing is, how shaky his hands are. It’s quiet, for a moment, no more gunfire or shouting. “Scared me.”

“Makes two of us,” you agree, sighing as he leans in, pressing a kiss to the uninjured side of your face, right at your jaw. “We need to get out of here.”

He glances over your shoulder at the wrench of the truck and the front of the laundromat. “Truck’s toast, we’ll figure it out. We need to find somewhere safe, for the night at least. High up, find a way out of the city. And get you cleaned up.” He bends slightly, peering through the hole in the wall. “Ellie!”

“There’s some stuff against the door,” she calls back, and you can hear her sigh.

Joel’s jaw goes tight. “Well, can you move it?”

It’s slow-going. Your head throbs with every step, twin shocks of pain in your skull and along your cheek. Joel’s grip is tight around your waist, his head whipping in every direction as he keeps you close to the building, and then he leans you against the front of brick as Ellie pulls whatever’s blocking the door out of the way, Joel pushing hard against it to help. The moment the door swings inward, he rushes you in, shuts the door, and then motions for Ellie to help push the table back into place. “Let’s go,” he says to her. “Fast.”

“Right.”

The door clangs as the table is pushed back into it. The noise makes your ears ring, and you sag against the table, exhaling heavily. Ellie sniffs loudly, and both you and Joel look at her. “I’m okay,” she says quickly, dropping down to grab her backpack. “I’m good.” She sets the bag on the table, unzips it. “I, uh, got some food in here still, and I got your light,” she says, and pulls out Joel’s flashlight, handing it to him. She looks between the two of you, wincing when she sees the blood on your face. “Fuck, Liv, are you—”

“I’ll be fine, kid,” you tell her, ignoring the way the words make your head throb. Your breath hitches, and you glance across at the hole in the wall. “Shit, Joel, the bat.”

His face goes hard, and you know what he’s gonna say. You can’t go back over there. There are bodies, evidence of the violence, and whoever sent the men will come looking. Standing here as long as you have is risk enough. “Liv, we—”

“I’ll go,” Ellie says, already walking toward the wall. “I can grab it and just—”

The distant screech of tires makes you freeze and you flash your hand out, grabbing the back of her coat and hauling her backward. “Leave it,” you grit out, lifting yourself up off the table. “We need to go now.”

“Where?” Ellie asks, and Joel heads to the door in the back of the room, clicking his flashlight on as he pushes it open slowly. Ellie fits herself under your arm again, your forearm resting on her backpack. “What are we gonna do now?”

“We go up,” you tell her, echoing what Joel had said earlier. “See if we can spot a path outta here.”

Joel glances over his shoulder at you, eyeing your arm around the kid’s shoulders. “Stay close.”

She nods. “Got it.”

You follow Joel down a hallway that leads out into an alley beside the building. There are cars scattered, and as the rumble of a truck gets closer, you duck down, wincing as you go, hiding behind an SUV as a pickup rolls past the mouth of the alleyway, followed by a larger armoured truck.

They start shouting Bryan’s name.

Joel signals for you to stay put, and darts across the alley, to the side door of the building across the way. You hold your breath as he pulls it open, peering inside before turning back to you and Ellie, giving a quick nod. You rise slowly, but then push yourself, moving as fast as you can across the pavement to Joel’s side. He leads you inside, and Ellie pulls the door shut behind you.

It’s dark inside, and for a moment, you pause. Joel puts his gun away, and you follow suit. You sag against the wall slightly, and he’s got his hand under your chin. “Look at me,” he commands, and you listen, blinking hard as you stare back at him. “Think it’s a concussion?”

“No,” you tell him, lifting your head out of his palm. “I’m fine, Joel.” It comes out snappier than you intend, and your body gives you away, wobbling slightly with the turn of your head. “Fuck. I just need to sit down a minute, or something.”

As quietly as possible, you make your way through the building. It seems to be some kind of abandoned retail space, a bunch of different stores and shops connected by one main hallway. Right at the end of the block is an old coffee house, and Joel decides it’s a good place to spot, seeing the newspaper-covered windows and dark-painted walls. 

“Are we okay in here?” Ellie asks as you walk in, Joel heading for the front of the shop. You watch as he peels back a small corner of the newspaper, just enough to peer through, and you sink into a chair nearby.

“For now,” you tell her, and wipe some more of the blood from your face. The bleeding’s stopped, as far as you can tell, and something in your chest pangs as Ellie reaches into her bag and pulls out what looks like an old t-shirt.

“Here,” she says, handing it to you. “It’s mostly clean.”

The corner of your mouth twitches. “Thanks, kid.”

Silence settles over the three of you as Joel peers out the window. “That wasn’t FEDRA that attacked us,” you say as he sinks back a little.

“Wasn’t Fireflies either,” Ellie says, and you nod. “Then who are they?”

“People,” Joel sighs. “Looks like they’re checkin’ out apartment buildings first.” He shakes his head. “But they’ll be comin’ through these places soon enough.” He rises to his feet, turning and walking towards you. Ellie takes his place, looking through the crack in the newspaper. He taps your shoulder as soon as he’s close enough, and takes the t-shirt from you. You can almost hear the ache in his knees as he crouches down and starts wiping the blood from your face. His face is a hard mask, and you can stop yourself from cupping his cheek, swiping your thumb across his cheekbone. “When he burst through the door back there,” he mutters, shaking his head ever so slightly, “and then I saw you drop. I heard the shot, but I didn’t see where he—”

“Joel,” you murmur, brushing your fingers through his hair. “We’re fine. I’m fine.”

“Cracked you damn good,” he replies, dabbing lightly. You try not to wince. “Lucky it didn’t break your cheekbone.”

Before you can respond, Ellie pipes up. “There’s a really tall building, like, four blocks away.”

“Yeah,” Joel grunts, and hands you the now-stained t-shirt. You hold it against your cheek, watching as he sinks into the chair across from yours. “Saw it.”

“That’s where we’re going?” she asks, glancing at you over her shoulder. “Up?”

Joel nods. “As soon as we don’t hear a truck, we move. Fast as we can.”

He props his elbow on the table, puts his face in his hand, and you reach over, curling your fingers around his forearm. He’s shaking.

You murmur his name as Ellie slides down to sit against the wall, drawing her knees up to his chest. He doesn’t answer you, but drops his hand, catching yours in the process. “Are you okay?” Ellie asks, and when your eyes flick to her, you see she’s addressing Joel.

“I’m all right,” he grumbles, but his fingers twitch against yours, his brow furrowing. Damn that hard mask of his. “Are you…all right?” he asks in return, and you press your fingers against his wrist. His heartbeat races beneath his skin.

“Yeah,” Ellie says quietly, but she doesn’t elaborate.

“Joel,” you murmur again, and he shakes his head, staring down at his boots. You don’t have to see his face to know the guilt, the realization. If Ellie hadn’t done what she had, you’d probably all be laying dead in that laundromat.

“Thing is,” Joel says after a moment, his voice gruff, “is I didn’t hear that guy comin’. And…you…you shouldn’t have had to…you know?”

God, he’s bad at this. You know what he’s trying to say to her, but you can’t try and take over. He needs to say this himself.

“Well, you’re glad I did, right?” Ellie asks, and her eyes dart to you for a second.

“You’re just a kid,” he says, and suddenly your chest feels tight. “You shouldn’t know what it means to…” He trails off, but then lifts a hand. “It’s not like you killed him, but, shootin’ or…I know what it’s like, first time you, uh, hurt someone like that.”

Her eyes slide fully to you for a moment, and you just nod in return, the message silent. I do too.

“If you, uh, w—uh,” Joel tries to continue, but shakes his head, looking at you, a near cry for help in his eyes. “I’m not good at this.”

“Yeah, you really aren’t,” Ellie quips, and you squeeze his hand.

“I mean, it was my fault,” he says, shaking his head some more. “You shouldn’t have had to. And I’m sorry.”

You haven’t had a chance, really, to take in what happened. What Ellie did. Listening to Joel now, feeling his pulse race beneath your fingers, and seeing tears on the kid’s face as he tells her he’s sorry…It breaks your heart.

“I should have heard it,” you say, and Joel’s eyes flick to you. You lift your chin, ignoring the way your gut twists as Ellie wipes her cheeks. “I should have shot first, and I didn’t. I’m sorry, too, Ellie. I am. We’re here to protect you, and we…Joel’s right. You shouldn’t have had to do it.”

She nails you to your spot with those big dark eyes, wet with tears. That thing you’ve been feeling since this kid barrelled her way into your lives screams at you to grab her, to hug her close and tell her everything is gonna be okay, but you feel frozen, stuck in place, unable to move.

“It wasn’t my first time,” Ellie tells you both, and your brows raise. You can see the shock on Joel’s face, too.

Your fingers tap against Joel’s wrist. “Give her the gun.”

His head snaps back to you, one brow lifting slightly.

“It’s hers,” you prompt, lifting your chin slightly. “Give it back.”

Slowly, he moves over, closing the small space between the two of you and her, leaning down on one knee as he pulls the gun out of the back of his jeans. Ellie’s face perks up as he hands the small pistol back to her after pulling out the clip. “Show me your grip.”

She stares up at him as she does as asked, obeying when Joel tells her to take her finger off the trigger.

“Now, who taught you that?”

“FEDRA school,” she answers.

“Figures,” he grunts, and you push your chin into your palm as he reaches for her hands, adjusting her grip, showing her the proper way. The thing in your chest relaxes slightly, watching him with her. “Thumb over your thumb. Left hand squeezes down on the right. You got it?” She nods, doing what he tells her. You hear his voice soften ever so slightly. “There ya go.”

Ellie looks at you over Joel’s shoulder, almost like she’s looking for your approval. You try to blink away the wetness that’s formed in your eyes, and nod at her, giving her a little grin.

“Now, look it,” Joel says, and grabs the top of the gun, trying to pull it away. But she’s got the grip right and the gun doesn’t budge. Joel pulls again, nearly yanking her off the wall, and Ellie laughs. Then she relaxes, the laughter trailing off, but the smile on her face stays in place. “Okay?”

She nods. Joel gestures for the gun back, slides the clip back into place, and Ellie watches his movements. He hands it back to her, handle first, and the triumphant look on her face almost makes you laugh. She goes to put it in her pocket, but Joel stops her.

“Nuh-uh, you put it in your pack. You’ll shoot your damn ass off.” He gets back to his feet with a loud groan, and walks back to you. “How’s your head?”

“It’s okay,” you tell him, and take his offered hand, letting him help you up. You stuff the bloody t-shirt in the pocket of your coat. “I’ll feel better when we find somewhere safe for the night.” As of on cue, your face throbs so hard your eyes flutter shut. Joel squeezes your hip. “I’d murder for an ice pack right now.”

It’s a few more minutes, a few more pauses to determine where the truck that rumbles past goes, before Joel walks to the shop’s front door, starting to pull at the wood that’s been nailed over it. You try to help, but he waves you off. Once the door is free, Ellie comes up beside you, her hand slipping into yours. Joel sees it, and his eyes move from your hands to your faces, one at a time.

“We’ll get through this,” he says to Ellie, and you tighten your grip on her hand.

She gives a little nod. “I know.”

Without another word, Joel yanks the door open, and you step out into the daylight.

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[thismustbefakeme]

What a GREAT ending 😭����😭😭

texas sun - joel miller x f!reader - vol. xiv

series masterlist | series playlist | writing masterlist | previous chapter | chapter summary: The final chapter pairing: joel miller x f!reader words: 9.2k (I love being insane) chapter warnings: SMUT (18+only) - unprotected sex. Insecurity/Jealousy. Angst/arguments. Discussions of death, blood and injuries. Alcohol & Marijuana use. Fluff. Bisexual reader (happy pride ya'll!). As always please dm for more specifics. a/n: This could probs use another round of proofreading but it would've delayed this even longer sooooo.... Here we go! I feel pretty emo right now and I might make a more in-depth post about my thoughts at a later date bc I just finished writing this in a hot daze so I can't put all my thoughts coherently together. But I just wanna say thank you to everyone who supported and gave love to this story. This is by far the most popular fic I've ever written, and I don't really know how? Or what I did to deserve all the love but I just want you to know how much I appreciate it. Thank you for sticking with me through all the angst and delayed updates and everything. I'll never forget you and I'll never forget Joel x Reader!! Thank you so much, I hope the finale lives up to your expectations! ❤️

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I’m not the kind of man who tends to socialize I seem to lean on old familiar ways….

-May 16, 2024-

“Are you sure you’re okay if I leave you here alone?” 

Ethan’s voice jolts you out of a daze, and you blink your eyes open, realizing that you’d dozed off while sitting upright in a patio chair, the cheesy romance novel you’d been reading still lying open on your lap. Turning to look over your shoulder, you find him standing with one foot on the deck, and one foot still inside, cut in half by the sliding glass door.

Clearing your throat, you straighten up and nod. “Of course. I’ll be fine.”

Ethan studies you carefully, like he’s not entirely convinced. He’s been hesitant to leave you alone unless it’s absolutely necessary – only stepping away from the house to go on patrol shifts and to bring home meals from the mess hall. Recovery has made you feel like a burden to him – to all your friends in the community, really. Everyone….well, almost everyone, has been supportive, but you’ve never been comfortable being openly vulnerable.

Unfortunately, it’s too hard to deny the pain that you’ve been in since the accident, the trouble you have getting around, the exhaustion that clings no matter how many long naps and twelve-hour nights of sleep you get. According to the doctors, being so tired is just part of recovery – rest is important, but the concoction of pain medication you’ve been prescribed only makes your drowsiness and confusion worse. It had been a big deal that tonight you’d mustered the energy to drag yourself outside to sit in the fresh air. 

“I’m fine,” you assure Ethan, once again. “Have fun on your date.”

“It’s not really a date,” he says, almost a little too quickly. “We’re just hanging out.”

“Right,” you say, matter-of-factly. “Do I know who this person is?”

Ethan looks at his feet. “You remember the day this shit happened?” he asks, gesturing towards you. “Before you left on patrol, the girl that said hi to me? It’s her. Her name is Alex.”

“Oh?” you tilt your head, give him a small smile. “She was cute. How’d you ask her out?”

“Well,” he begins, scratching the back of his neck. “I may have…uh, gotten some advice.”

“You didn’t think to ask me?” you’re able to muster up a small smile.

“I would’ve, I just…..” he shakes his head. “It seemed stupid…with everything you have going on.”

“It’s not stupid,” you say, feeling a wave of guilt. Even though he’s the one looking after you, you haven’t spoken to him much about anything going on in his life. In fact, you haven’t really spoken to anyone in a long time, beyond thank you’s and blanket statements like I’m doing better. You feel disconnected, and more lonely than ever. If you ever get enough energy to leave your house, you expect most of the people in the community to have forgotten you exist. “Who’d you ask?”

“Uhm….” Ethan runs a hand through his long dark hair, shifts his weight. “….I’ve been assigned on patrol with Joel Miller a lot lately….so….”

You almost laugh when he uses Joel’s full name. Joel has been such a huge part of your life – sometimes the hero, sometimes the villain – that you don’t need to hear his last name to know who Ethan’s talking about. You could know a thousand Joel’s, and he’d still be the first person that came to mind. But Joel is still a sore subject, and Ethan knows it, which is why you suspect he’s avoided telling you this in the first place. You feel your eyebrows knit together, only able to let out an unenthused. “Oh.”

“I just, you know….he’s a guy. And it sounds like you even liked him at one point so….he must know something, right?” 

“That was a long time ago,” you say quickly, regardless of the fact that he’s right.

It’s probably not fair to blame Joel for everything that has happened to you. You know this, deep down. But you’ve been so helpless and isolated since you’ve woken up in that hospital bed that you’re desperate to find someone to hold accountable. And Joel hadn’t visited you in the hospital once. By this point, he’s abandoned you so many times that your resentment feels justified, even if your current state is not directly his fault. Because it was you, after all, who had walked into the path of those men, too angry to think clearly, too weak to take them down alone. The only person you can blame is yourself, and you really don’t want to.

“Did he tell you to take her out on patrol, make her cry, and almost get her killed?”

Ethan clicks his tongue, looks down, almost ashamed. “No. He did not.”

“You should be careful with Joel,” you warn.

“I was…” Ethan says. “But I don’t think it’s that simple. I think he’s actually alright.” 

“So you’re friends with him now,” you state, hoping he refutes. But instead, he looks up at you, frowns, and lifts his chin.

“What happened to you was horrible. It shouldn’t have happened. And yeah, maybe you think he’s the reason you almost died…. I don’t know the specifics so you can believe whatever you want. But I know that he’s the reason you’re still alive.” Ethan’s voice breaks, and you feel tears brimming your eyes before he continues. “He brought you back here, he donated his blood, he-”

“What?” you cut him off.

“What do you mean, what?” Ethan asks. “He was the only person there who had your blood type. You would’ve died if he didn’t. They didn’t tell you this?” 

“Whatever it took to make him feel less guilty, sounds like,” you say, dismissively.

Something hot burns in your veins, something that must have always been there since you woke up, but you’re only feeling it now. It’s unsettling, Joel being a part of you that way. Your lives had already seemed intertwined enough already. But now, he’s inescapable.

“Well, he stayed by your side every night while you were asleep. Fuck, I mean, he was probably there just as often as I was. He made sure I ate, and slept and showered and… and he never once asked for anything in return. He cares about you as much as I do, clearly, so I don’t think it’s wrong to think he’s a good guy….”

You must not care about me that much, you want to say, but you stop yourself. Because it’s not true, and you’d only be saying it to hurt him. You have nothing to defend yourself with, no way to convince him otherwise, and so you just stare at him until he shakes his head and slips back inside.

Ethan is stubborn, he always has been. And it’s a special kind of stubbornness, fueled by anger – so common in most of the young people you meet these days. You understand why they’re all like this. When you’re robbed of your childhood – you get stuck there….waiting….. Like someday you’ll have a chance to do it all over again, regardless of how obvious it is that you won’t. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-May 25, 2024-

Things get better, albeit slowly. You begin to wean off the pain medication, which makes you more alert. It’s still difficult to leave your house, but you can move around it more easily, and you don’t spend all your days sleeping. Luckily, you aren’t as stir-crazy as you’d been expecting. 

One afternoon, Ellie Williams shows up on your doorstep with a bag full of groceries. 

“Maria wanted me to bring these to you,” she says when you open the door. “She told me to tell you she’ll be over tomorrow, but she wanted me to give you these to tide you over.”

“That’s very nice. Thank you for bringing them to me,” you try to take the bag from her hands, but she steps back just a little, like she’s unsure if you should be carrying anything. You let your hands drop to your sides. “Would you like to come in?” 

Ellie hesitates for a split second, adjusting the bag in her arms, and then nods. “Sure.” 

Stepping to the side, you allow her into the home. Because of how warm it is outside, you’ve opened all the windows to let the breeze through. 

“Sorry for the mess,” you say, Ellie following you into the living room. There are stacks of books and pill bottles with instructions scattered on your countertop. You haven’t swept the floors in awhile and all the hard surfaces are covered in a thin layer of dust. It’s not really that bad, but you don’t have the energy or strength to be on your feet for long – let alone to clean the house. 

“I don’t mind,” Ellie says. “It’s not even that bad. I don’t know why older people worry about leaving your house messy and shit….no offense.”

“There was a time it used to matter,” you tell her. “And I see where you’re coming from, but my thing is – if you’re going to live somewhere, you should do what you can to make yourself feel comfortable.” 

Ellie purses her lips, as if you’ve made a good point but she doesn’t know how to answer. Instead, you continue. “Can I get you anything? Water?” 

“No, I’m okay,” she puts the bag on your kitchen counter.

“You can sit if you’d like,” you tell her. “I just need a moment to put these away.”

When you walk into your living room a few minutes later, she’s hovering near your record player, looking through the vinyls. The turntable was already in the house when you’d arrived years ago, but it was buried in the closet and broken. Ethan had managed to fix it after a little troubleshooting and scavenging for parts. Now, you both were always looking for records to bring home, and had amassed quite the eclectic collection – jazz, funk, hip-hop, and everything in between. 

“Wow,” Ellie says, running her fingers along the shelved records. “You found all these?”

“Some of them were already here. But yeah. Ethan and I are always on the lookout on patrol. I can play you something. What do you like?”

“Eighties, I think,” she says. “But…I also haven’t heard as much.” 

“Well here,” you thumb through the records, pull out a worn copy of Speaking In Tongues. “How about some Talking Heads?” 

You pass the record over to her, and she stares at you blankly. It’s only then that you realize — she’s never used a record player before. There’s a familiar pang of sadness before you show her how. 

“Are you feeling better?” Ellie eyes you wearily once the music starts, and you settle onto the couch, feeling a little worn out after being on your feet.

“Yes,” you say. “I’m older now, so it seems like healing takes a lot more time.”

Ellie nods, then bobs her head to the music a little. “This is better than most of the stuff Joel likes.” 

“Oh yeah,” you smirk, and instinctually, you recall his enthusiasm for all things old-school country. “I remember that,” you say softly.

With so much time on your hands lately, you’ve found yourself thinking of Joel a lot, reminiscing on the time you’d spent with him and Sarah. What Ethan had told you about him staying by your side was definitely making you reconsider your assessment of him, even if you were still hesitant. It was probably a trap to think you’d ever be able to feel those things with him again, but if remembering them brought you comfort, you weren’t going to resist it. 

“You’re more than welcome to come over to listen anytime,” you offer, and she nods excitedly. 

Ellie stays for longer than you expect. You talk a fair bit. She tells you about what she’s learning in school – but mostly how ‘fucking useless’ it is. She wanders around your living room and pokes through your stuff without asking, but you don’t think to stop her – you just answer her questions and let her be curious.

Eventually, the sun dips below the horizon, and she excuses herself to go home, insisting that Joel will ‘fucking kill her’ if she’s out too late. Even though you’re exhausted after entertaining her for a few hours, you find it feels nice. Being on house arrest, essentially, had left your starved for connection outside Maria and Ethan.

You see her out the door before returning to your refrigerator to look for something to eat. Ethan will be back from patrol any minute, so it may be nice to make him something even if you have almost no energy.

But when there’s another knock on your front door, you’re shocked to see who you find staring on your porch. 

Joel.

You almost forget to speak at the sight of him. It’s been weeks since your accident and he might as well have moved away from Jackson since you hadn’t seen him at all. 

“Hey,” you say, tentatively, taking him in. He seems preoccupied – cheeks flushed, hair rumpled, and out of breath, like he had run all the way to get here.

“Have you seen Ellie?” he asks, not even greeting you in return. “I’ve looked everywhere and I-

“You just missed her,” you cut him off, not because you’re trying to dismiss him, but because he's clearly distressed. “I’m surprised you didn’t see her on your way over.”

Joel sighs, eyes closing in relief. “Thank God.” For a second, you glimpse the frazzled and overworked father you used to know. “She stayed out too late, had me worried sick.” 

“She’s fine,” you say. “Although she did say you might kill her if she didn’t get home soon.” 

Joel gives you an almost imperceptible smile, but seems mostly irritated by Ellie’s suggestion. “I would do no such thing.” He shakes his head and takes two steps backwards. “Thank you. Didn’t mean to be a bother.” 

Your mind floats to a memory of Joel on your front porch, late getting home from work and looking for Sarah, and you can’t help but feel a bit of sadness and longing for a simpler time, a surge of affection. 

Joel is halfway down your front porch steps when you speak again. “You aren’t bothering me.”

He pauses, turns to look over his shoulder. There’s something he wants to say, you can feel it, and you step outside, letting the door fall shut behind you and remaining huddled against the siding, and he turns to face you fully, sighing. “I’ve been meaning to stop by, actually….” 

“Oh…really?” you can’t keep the surprise from your voice, and he notices.

“Yeah,” Joel rubs his fingers together, a nervous habit of his you know all too well. “Yeah. I- well, I wanted to apologize to you.”

You’re so startled by the words you can’t answer right away. But the split second of hesitation causes Joel to continue, looking to fill the empty space. 

“I’ve been waiting to find the right thing to say….but it doesn’t seem like that’ll ever happen. I’m not even sure I know where to start.” 

“Oh,” is all you can manage, still taken aback. The only thing that doesn’t surprise you about his admission is the sincerity. You could say a lot of things about Joel, but he isn’t a liar. He always tells the truth. Maybe it’s why he pulled away from you to begin with. It’s easier than the alternative – spending time with you, which would force him to be honest. For how much you’ve changed, you’d probably do the same. 

But the thing with Joel is that you’re exhausted. You’re tired of the back and forth, of the push and pull, of the constant struggle to hold your care over each other's head, hoping the other will break first. Maybe this is a fresh start. 

You step closer to him, and you see him study the way you move. Of course, you’re trying to look strong, but he can surely sense the weakness. He’d always been good at that, better than any of the others. Your hand comes to rest on the porch railing for support. 

But…..

There’s that voice in the back of your head, the one that tells you this is a mistake. The one that reminds of the pain you’ve often earned through vulnerability. It likes to think it’s served you, protected you, and it has. But it’s not always right.

“I suppose I owe you an apology, too,” you say. “At the very least I should thank you for what you did.”

Joel shakes his head, dismissively, but looks to where your hand rests on the porch railing, looks back up to you as he reaches out. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

His hand clasps over yours, and to anyone else, this might be nothing. It’s so innocent, unassuming. But the effect it has on you is palpable. He squeezes once, and you flip your hand over, squeezing his back, giving him a gentle smile. “I am too.” 

Joel’s eyes fill with a warmth you haven’t seen in twenty years, and your stomach flutters, your heart races. A part of yourself that you’d considered long dead seems to rouse.“Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“I told Ellie we’d go to the mess hall together,” Joel says. “Otherwise I would.”

You blink once, and Joel sees it, immediately continuing on. “But maybe Ellie and I can come another time, join you and Ethan?”

“Yeah. He’d like that,” you say. “That might be nice.” ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-June 20, 2024-

You think that at the end of a long winter, bears must hate coming out of hibernation. 

It must suck. They spend months sleeping, doing almost nothing, and then suddenly they’re forced to function again – to hunt, to eat, to roam, to survive and socialize. You imagine there has to be a learning curve, a desire to crawl back into their den and never leave again. 

Or maybe you could be wrong, and they love it. And you’re just a wimp who hates feeling uncomfortable.

All you know is that you’re huddled in the back corner of the Tipsy Bison, nursing a whiskey – and it’s the last place you want to be. 

You’re overwhelmed. 

And despite the fact that you regularly used to attend community events, it’s been so long since you've been out in Jackson that you feel like you don’t belong. To some extent, you’ve always felt this – too hardened by the outside world to fully assimilate, especially when the town throws dances. But in the past, you at least attempted to convince yourself otherwise. 

Two weeks back, the doctors had cleared you to go about your daily activities as normal  – within reason, of course – but you hadn’t exactly jumped at the opportunity. Tonight, Ethan had accused you of becoming ‘antisocial’ and ‘reclusive’. You had agreed to attend – but only to beat those allegations. So far, you are definitely not. 

You scan the crowd, taking in the people spinning around the dance floor. Some of the women are wearing dresses. You can’t help but feel a little envious of how easily they’re able to perform femininity, which is something you’d given up on a while ago. It hadn’t exactly served you before arriving in Jackson, and you predict it would be humiliating to start trying now. After all the things you’d experienced, you were left marred with scars and wrinkles, stretch marks and loose skin. Since then, you’ve remained loyal to the combination of men’s denim and tank tops with flannel-button downs overtop. 

It doesn’t always stop the men in the community from descending like vultures. You might be the last pick – there are plenty others who are younger and prettier – but you’re still an option. Bea, your old partner, had always theorized that some men were particularly drawn to sapphic women, that it was ‘the ultimate challenge’. Maybe there is some truth to her theory, but you like men….sometimes. So there is always a part of you that yearns for their validation, for as many times as you tell yourself you don’t want it. But it never feels good to get it after you’ve watched them exhaust all their other options.

It’s pathetic, but it makes you think of Joel. He and Ellie had been over to yours and Ethans last week for a nice dinner, and you had tried to gauge whether there was any romantic connection between you still. Occasionally, you’d caught him looking at you with a wistful smile, but he could have been lost in thought. It’s not like you needed that from him or anything, but it might be useful information. After all this time, Joel is still so handsome, and probably has an impressive selection of potential partners here in Jackson – women of all ages. You hope he’s not here tonight – you can’t see much besides the dance floor at this point – because the thought of him cozied up to anyone here, combined with the acrid taste of the drink in your hand, makes you want to gag. 

You take another look around the room. Eugene, your partner in crime – quite literally – is walking towards you, which helps quell your spiraling mind . If you talk to him, say hello to Tommy and Maria, maybe Ethan will see the effort you’re making and you can sneak out without having to deal with anyone. It’s wishful thinking, but it’s worth a shot. The sooner you can get home tonight, the better.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Joel can’t stop staring. 

He knows it’s impolite. He knows that he’s not being subtle. He knows that if any other person in this bar followed his eyeline, they’d pick up on what he was doing in an instant. But every minute he doesn’t get called out for it, he becomes more and more emboldened. 

It’s the first dance he’s ever been to in Jackson, and the only reason he’s here is to placate Ellie and Tommy. But even they have abandoned him in favor of better companions – his brother is deep in conversation with Maria, sitting across from him in a booth, and Ellie is out on the dance floor dancing with one of her new friends, Dina.

Joel just can’t help himself. He still feels guilty for what he’s done, but he can’t shake the feeling of a soft hand clasped within his own – the first time he’d felt any semblance of hope since arriving here. Tommy and Maria had already slyly let him know about all the women who were interested, but he couldn’t bring himself to entertain their advances. There’s only one he wants, and she won’t even look in his direction.

When he’d first noticed you, you were whispering with Eugene on the opposite side of the dance floor. According to Tommy, you spend a fair bit of your time with the old man, which Joel initially thought to mean that you had some sort of entanglement. At first, Joel thought that couldn’t be possible. But you were deep in focus as you listened to Eugene’s words, nodding and leaning in closer and closer, and Joel thinks Tommy might be right. He wants to understand what you see in this man – tall and unkempt, covered in tattoos with long, graying hair and a beard to match. But Joel catches himself in his judgment, he’s probably just as unappealing – not just because of how he’s aged, but because of how horrible he’s been to you in general. 

The next time Joel sees you, you’re at the bar, chatting with a man who Maria had introduced him to not long ago, a resident who is new in town. Joel had been too busy focusing on the fact that he’d been in Jackson long enough to not be its newest resident that he couldn’t remember his name. He wishes he had, so he could keep tabs on him. Of course, he can’t blame the man for being drawn to you – Joel knows very well that you’re hard to miss in a crowd. 

Still, Joel bristles when you both step away from the bar, and the man’s hand lands just above your sacrum. He actually finds himself tensing up, resisting the urge to intervene, because it’d likely only make you angry. Plus, maybe you are interested. That question is answered quickly when you reach behind your to clasp the man's hand and place it back at his side. Where it belongs, he thinks.

“Joel!”

He snaps his attention to what’s in front of him – interrupted, and probably for good measure, lest he get himself too worked up. Ethan approaches with a girl his age, her arm linked through his. Joel stands to greet them. 

The terse understanding between himself and Ethan while you were still in the hospital had somehow turned into a friendship, especially after they’d begun getting paired up on patrol. Ethan reaches out for Joel’s hand to dap him up, slinging an arm briefly over his shoulder.

“How’s it going, kid?” 

“Good, good,” Ethan nods, pulling back, and gestures to the girl next to him. “Joel, this is Alex.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” she says. “Ethan’s told me all about you.” 

“Really?” Joel asks, feeling a little bewildered. 

“Only good things,” Alex says quickly, as if she senses his apprehension. Ethan puts his arm around her waist. Joel recalls a few weeks back when he’d asked for advice on how to ask out a girl. Joel hadn’t pried at the time, but now he seems to understand, and is surprised by the swell of pride he feels. “Ethan says you’re a fucking badass,”she giggles after she swears.

Joel looks over at Ethan. “I don’t know about that.” 

He shrugs, changes the subject. “Since when do you come to these things?” Ethan asks.

“Ellie dragged me out,” Joel answers.

“I did the same with my aunt,” Ethan chuckles. “But now I can’t find her, and I’m pretty sure she’s escaped.”

“Oh, is she here?” Joel plays dumb, like he hasn’t been aware of exactly where you have been all night. “I haven’t seen her.”

“I think she was with Eugene earlier,” Alex has to stand on her toes to speak into Ethan’s ear. Joel watches Ethan’s nose wrinkle. 

“Do you know Eugene at all?” Ethan turns to Joel. “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on there, but she won’t say anything.” 

Joel wishes that he had more information. “Tommy says they seem close.”

“I know that,” Ethan says. “I wish she would just be honest with me. It’s not like I would be mad. Whatever,” he shakes his head. “We can talk about it another time. I just want to find her so I can introduce her to Alex.”

“We should say hi to Tommy and Maria first,” Alex says, and Ethan nods in agreement before saying goodbye to him. Joel claps a hand on Ethan’s shoulder as he moves past him, and Alex gives him a shy smile in acknowledgement. 

Focusing back on the crowd, Joel realizes that you’ve vanished in the short span of his last interaction. Maybe you’d rejected that guy, and then he’d retaliated. Maybe you’d gone home with Eugene. Joel shakes his hand. It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to get involved. It’s not his job to look after you, regardless of how much better he feels when he does. Old instincts. He can’t help himself.

He settles on watching Ellie and Dina spin each other around on the dance floor. Eventually, Tommy and Maria, then Ethan and Alex all trickle out of the booth to go get another round or head to dance. Joel stands to release the booth to someone who actually needs it – and is left in the corner, nursing a nearly empty beer that’s now flat and warm. He looks towards his family and friends, but for some reason, he still feels alone. 

Joel isn’t sure how long he stands sulking, but he starts when someone approaches from behind.

“Having fun?”

You’re a pace or two back, one thumb hooked through a belt loop, a whiskey in your opposite hand. Joel looks back at the crowd a moment, then at the ground. “No.” 

“Neither am I,” you commiserate, stepping alongside him. 

Joel considers offering that Ethan was looking for you, but selfishly does not want to give you a reason to leave, so he stays quiet. You observe the dance floor like he is, smiling slightly at the sight of Ethan and Alex dancing. The flannel you’re wearing over a gray tank hangs loosely off one shoulder, and Joel wants to reach out and touch the exposed skin. You take your last sip of whiskey, bring a finger to swipe under your bottom lip, and Joel wishes he knew what you might taste like right now. He scolds himself for fantasizing.

You don’t speak either, and you stand in silence for a while, until you eventually pop your hip, shifting closer to him. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you’re already standing so close that your arm gets pressed up against his. Neither of you acknowledge the contact, but Joel is acutely aware of how your skin burns hot against his own. He feels comforted by the affection, even if it’s unintentional.

“Want to leave?” Joel asks, and can hardly believe that the words came out of his mouth, even if he wanted them to. 

You look over at him, not bothering to hide your surprise, but your expression evens out quickly, and you give him a single nod. “Yeah.” 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Joel’s still not convinced this is real. It feels too much like a dream, the weather outside is so pleasantly warm it feels like he’s floating as you walk down the street. He had never expected you to agree to leave with him, and now he doesn’t know what to do, or what to say.

The greater distance you put between yourselves and the bar, the quieter the town is. Most of Jackson’s residents are at the dance, save for the guards at the front gate and the handful of people that had been mingling just outside.

He heads in the general direction of the neighborhood, even though he lives on a different street. 

“What are we supposed to do now?” you wonder out loud, and you sound a little incredulous, like you’re equally as shocked to find yourself beside him. The question carries a bit more weight than it would have coming from anyone else.

Joel contemplates. He’s not sure what he wants from you – there are a lot of things, actually – but he doesn’t know if he really deserves any of them. For now, your companionship is more than enough.

“You’re welcome to come back to mine,” he offers.  “But if you’re looking to keep drinking, all the booze is back at the bar.”

“I’m good.” You shake your head like you’re uninterested, but look over at him with a sparkle in your eye. “I have something better….” 

You reach into the pocket of your flannel and produce a rolled joint between two fingers, looking over your shoulder. “Those dances are usually terrible, so I always come prepared.” 

Joel can’t help the chuckle that escapes him, and the sheepish grin he gets in return makes his cheeks feel warm. “Where’d you even get that?”

“You’ve never been on patrol with Eugene, have you?” you ask. “He has a place just out of town where he grows it. I’ve been helping him since we first got paired up, and in exchange, I get to sample the supply.”  

Of course. Joel would’ve never imagined that was the reason you were so close with Eugene, but it suddenly makes incredible sense. He shakes his head in a combination of relief and amusement. “You really haven’t changed.” 

“Oh, I’m sure I have,” you answer, smiling to yourself and looking at the ground. “But of course I haven’t shaken all my bad habits.”

“That’s not true,” Joel mutters.

“Well, you haven’t changed either, for as much as you’ve tried to convince me,” you nudge him gently, offering him the joint. “What do you think?” 

Joel plucks it from between your fingers and puts it between his lips. “I think I have a lighter at home.”

“Sounds perfect.” 

In the front hallway of his house, you slip out of your tennis shoes, shuffling behind him in your socks, pausing occasionally to study some of the doodles that Ellie had drawn and hung on the walls – it wasn’t exactly a priority to decorate these days, but they certainly livened up the place. He knows how much Ellie likes you, despite the fact that she doesn’t gush, but the odd comment here and there says as much. Joel remembers how difficult it had been to keep Sarah away, and Ellie now is no different. He doesn’t seem to be able to help himself, either. 

You sit next to Joel on his wicker couch, curling your feet up under you as he lights the joint and study him while he takes the first few puffs. He does it without thinking. That’s how soft Jackson has made him. Normally, he’d be too stressed about being out of his wits. But he can’t see how hypervigilance has served him since settling down. He feels safe here, and somehow especially because he’s with you. 

When he passes the joint your way, you look at him wistfully. “Old times,” you say with a grin. 

Joel nods as he exhales, coughing. “Old times.” 

“Oh yeah,” you say, as if you just remembered something. “You can’t tell Ethan about this. He doesn’t know, and he will give me shit about it. I need him to take me seriously.” 

Joel shakes his head. “Well, you know, it sounds like he and Tommy both think you and Eugene are together.”

“What?” your head jerks forward in shock, eyes going wide. “Oh my god, no. Do people think that?”

“I’m just sayin’,” Joel wants to mention how he had seen you whispering to each other at the bar earlier, but then realizes it’d give a bit too much away. “That’s what they think.”

“Well....historically speaking I might’ve liked older men…. but not that old.”

Joel purses his lips. “You’ve lived here awhile, huh?” When you nod, he continues. “Has no one caught your eye?” 

“Uhm….not really. But….” you trail off, looking into Joel’s backyard. “To be completely honest, I  don't think about that much these days. I guess I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for. I don’t want to push it.”

Joel understands, and nods pensively.

“What about you?” you ask. 

“I guess I feel the same.”

That causes you to smile a little bit, look over at him. “I bet you already know this. But the women here would line up down the block for you.”

Joel can’t help but roll his eyes, though he wonders if you would, too. Even if you did like him, that didn’t seem like your style. 

“I’m serious. I’ve heard the things they whisper behind your back. All their fantasies about you are pretty creative...”

“Fantasies?” He grimaces. He imagines none of them know anything about who he really is. You’re the closest thing, and all he’s done is hurt you. “I’m sure you were quick to set them straight.” 

“I don’t say anything,” you say, then continue on, a little quieter, looking at him from under your lashes. “I like to keep you to myself.” 

Joel isn’t sure how to respond to that. You have every right to tell all of them that you were once together, and all the ways he’s hurt you since. Yet for some reason, you’ve chosen to protect him. 

“So….all this time….” you wonder. “You had to have been with other people, right?”

Joel doesn’t think to hold back. “I had a partner for a long time. Tess. First, it was all business, I helped her smuggle things in and out of the Boston QZ…and then, I don’t know….we got along, we trusted each other and…” Joel trails off, hoping you’d put together the rest before he has to go into too much detail. “She was real fuckin’ tough. Scared me a little at first. You would’ve liked her.”

“Well, we already have one thing in common. What happened?”

“She’s the whole reason I ended up out here….with Ellie,” Joel explains. “But I lost her a little over a year ago.”

He hopes you don’t ask how. Maybe someday he’d be willing to go into detail, but talking about it generally is hard enough as it is. But fortunately, you seem to pick up on his hesitance. “I’m sorry, Joel,” you say softly.

He shakes his head. “I was an asshole. To her. I should've....after Sarah died I didn’t want to get attached, so I kept her at arms length and I... I wished I hadn’t in the end. It only made things worse.”

“Yeah,” you nod, look down. “I’ve made that mistake before.”

Joel doesn’t want to linger any longer on the memory. “What about you? Were you with anyone?”

“Uhm, yeah,” you fidget, looking uncomfortable. “I had a partner….for like ten years."

Ten years? He had been with Tess for more, but something about that information feels jarring. He’s shocked Tommy never told him this. Did Tommy even know? Suddenly, it dawns on Joel everything that could’ve happened to you since you’ve been apart. Entire lifetimes. And he’d said such horrible things when you’d fought. He remembers your face when he’d told you that you didn’t know what it was like to lose a child. Maybe you had. He’d been so cruel and inconsiderate just because he was uncomfortable. 

His throat feels tight, almost scared to learn anymore. “What…what was his name?”

“Well, Bea….was her name.” 

Joel is sure he doesn't hide the shock well. “Sorry, I didn’t know…”

“Yeah,” you say. “I don’t think I did either. Well, I sort of did, but I was too young I think when I first realized to make any sense of it, but…. I met her and…yeah,” then, you smirk. “I mean, I went to an all-girls school and I had a really bad relationship with my dad so…it definitely makes sense. ” 

Joel considers this, smiles along with you. “But anyways. Her and I met shortly after my brother died and it was kind of the same. We kept each other alive, things developed from there. We ended up getting involved with this group who lived in the middle of nowhere. That’s a whole other story, but…” you wave your hand. “I loved her, and I lost her right before Ethan and I got here.” 

Joel sees all the pain in your eyes, and wishes he could say something to take it all away. He knows he can’t. You look back out into the woods in his backyard, take a deep breath, and reach back towards the joint that you had put out not long before, lighting it again. Joel gets the sense that both of you had done the most amount of sharing possible for the time being. 

“Look at us,” you take another drag before passing it over. “Old times.”

“Old times,” he repeats, a smile working its way onto his face. 

“This used to be my favorite thing to do with you.” 

“It was nice,” Joel agrees….hesitates before continuing. “But I can think of some things I liked better.” He gives you a knowing look, and you roll your eyes, laughing easily at his joke. It feels so good to make you laugh, to see you smile. Why had he spent so much time resisting?

“Touche.” 

What happens next spills out of Joel so quickly he doesn’t think to stop it. “I tried to look for you….after all this happened. I didn’t have Sarah anymore, and I thought maybe….I don’t know. It was the only thing that kept me going for a while.”

“I did too,” you confess. “But…I was with Vincent and Ethan, and I felt like I couldn’t leave them alone for something that might just be…. I always hoped you both made it. And I’m so sorry she’s gone. I really did love her.” 

“I know you did,” Joel reaches out to take your hand. “I know. And I shouldn’t have said those things I did. I’m still not sure why you’ve been so patient with me.”

“Hmm,” you shift so that you’re closer to him. “You waited around for me back then. It’s only fair that I’d wait around for you now. I want you in my life. I don’t care what that looks like. But it’s too hard to forget about a person that you loved.” 

Joel wants as much from you as you’re willing to give, and he can’t tear his gaze away from you. But he wants you to see him, all of him, before he takes it. 

“I’ve let a lot of people down. I’ve done a lot of h-horrible things,” his voice cracks, and tears well in his eyes. 

“I have, too, you know? Those things still live with me. But I think what matters is who we are now,” you reach out, fingertips brushing the scar on his temple, and Joel swears that even if you don’t know the story behind it, you can see right through him. “And I know who you are.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.” 

“You won’t,” you say. “No more than anyone else has. And if it makes you feel better…when people hurt me, I’ve gotten pretty good at hurting them back.” 

“If I do, I’d hope you would.”

“I will. I promise,” your thumb strokes his cheek, marveling at him. “I would suggest a blood oath or something but….I heard we kind of already did that…”

He’s given you every warning, every barrier, and you’re still here. He can’t believe it, and he doesn’t think he can hold back any longer. “Come here.”

He kisses you. He wishes that he could be slow and tender and gentle like he used to be – and certainly he’s still capable, but he realizes that he’s been depriving himself of something he wanted for so long, and can’t seem to control himself. 

Your hands land on the side of his face, and he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you onto his lap. Maybe you’re somewhat taken aback by his urgency, you hum against his lips, but you don’t resist at all. Joel maneuvers you so you’re straddling his thighs, and he grips your hips, your ass, coasts his hands up your side. Your lips part in a moan, and he slips his tongue into your mouth. 

For a while, he stays there, savors the taste of you, whiskey and smoke still lingering on your lips. His hands cup your jaw, feel your body, grip and squeeze and stroke and you let him, continue to let him. He tries everything, wondering if you’ll tell him to stop, if you’ll decide you’ve had too much, but you don’t. Then again, he should know by now that you’re a woman who knows what she wants. He just finds it’s hard to believe that he’s the thing you want.

You break away from him, just a little, and Joel presses his nose to your neck, kisses your pulse point. 

“Should we go upstairs?” your voice is raspy and breathless. “Will Ellie be home soon?” 

“Probably not for a while. We can be quick.”

“Hopefully not too quick,” you raise your eyebrows. Joel can’t help but laugh a little. He relishes in the way your hands rake up and down his arms, exploring him, touching him. Of course he wants you, but even just this would be enough. He’d be content with less, he hadn’t realized how starved of affection he’d been.

You’re able to pry yourselves off one another to make it up the stairs, and Joel guides you with a hand to the small of your back. When you get to his bedroom, he opens the door, but stops you before you go inside. 

“Hold on,” Joel mutters, winding one arm around your waist, the other behind your knee.

“Joel, what-no, you’ll–” he pulls you into his arms. 

“Do you really think I’m not strong enough?”

“I didn’t say that,” you chuckle as he carries you over the threshold and into the bedroom, breath puffing against him before he lays you down on the bed. 

When he hovers over you, your fingers wind into his hair, nails raking against his scalp. He savors every sweet sigh he’s able to pull from you, hands cupping your breasts and squeezing your hips. You’re so pliant and open beneath his body, it makes it easier to not feel guilty about what he’s doing. He knows he shouldn’t feel guilty, you’ve said as much, but it might take some time before the feeling will die completely. Hopefully, he has enough time with you to see it off completely.

Clothes are removed quickly, intentionally, as you both bare more and more of yourself to each other. And while he wishes he could’ve been there to see the ways in which your body has changed, you’re still as beautiful as ever. 

Joel, however, is hesitant to give himself away completely. When you tug at the hem of his shirt, he hesitates. 

“I don’t know if-” he pauses. “If you want to see all that.”

“Joel,” you stare at him knowingly, kneeling across from him as he stands at the edge of the bed. “I do.” 

So he releases your hand, and lets you pull it over his head. Carefully, you study him, his body littered with scars. He knows he’s not as in shape as you remember. These days, he hardly can look at himself in the mirror after a shower. He expects you to be disgusted, or at least see it flit across your face before you compose yourself, but you don’t. Your fingertips drag through the smattering of hair on his chest and down his torso, tracing several prominent scars – each one with a story – but you linger on the one at his abdomen, frowning. 

He sees the question on your face, but you don’t ask it. Instead, you return to press yourself against him. “I’m so glad you’re still here….”

You kiss him, then, and Joel can only kiss you back. 

Joel isn’t the only one with battle scars. Some of them he feels are his fault, but you seem less self-concious about them, which gives him a surprising amount of confidence. Maybe it’s just a reality of what happens when you make it this long. 

When you’re finally bare beneath him, he admires how you look, stretched out and waiting, chest heaving and shivering with anticipation. He slides his hand between your legs – feels you already wet and warm, sinking two fingers inside. Your walls flutter around the intrusion, back arcing off the bed when you sigh out his name. Joel.

He’d forgotten how nice it felt to hear that. 

Joel is already thinking about what he’d like to do to you next time. He’d be more careful, more patient. He’d bury his face between your thighs to see if you tasted as good as he remembers, he’d let your fingers curl into his hair. But right now you both seem desperate for the same thing. 

He pumps his cock a few times with his hand, he can’t remember the last time he’d been this hard – the last time he’s wanted anyone this badly. Even with Tess, it had always felt like the both of them were hurrying to scratch an itch, her eyes would wander like she was thinking of other people, and maybe he was, too. 

Joel lines himself up with your slick cunt, teases you a little, and you roll your body down to meet him, gasping when his blunt head slides in – just a little. 

He can’t hold back. You practically suck him in, so tight and hot around him he finds it immediately overwhelming, but he doesn’t even think to pull out. Only when he’s fully seated inside you, and given you a chance to adjust, does he start to move. 

It’s euphoric. You’re both older now, more mature, but he still remembers all the things you liked, even if it takes a moment for him to find the spot inside you that makes you cry out, legs wrapping around his hips. 

Unlike before, you don’t bother trying to hide from him. You kiss him, hold him, touch him, look him in the eyes, tell him how good he feels – you don’t hold back. Joel relishes every word you say, clings to the praise and gives it back. Your lashes flutter when he tells you how pretty you look.

He can think of nothing else other than bringing you pleasure, can tell you’re getting close when you begin to rut against him, and he reaches down to let the pads of his fingers slide over your clit.

When you come, you whine his name, lock your lips with his own and he swallows your moans. The feeling of you so impossibly tight and wet and pulsing and squeezing him so tightly has him following closely after. 

His head is still buried in the crook of your neck when you speak again. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

The second Joel pulls out, he starts missing how close he felt to you. But you fix that by rolling over onto your stomach, curling up at his side, head on his chest, and arm across his stomach. 

“Joel. Fuck, you’re so perfect.”

He’s far from it. But he’s starting to think if you say it enough, maybe he’ll start to believe it. He turns his head to kiss you gently, slowly. “So are you.” 

“We can do this again, right?” you ask. 

“Yes,” he says. “Yes, we can.”

“Good,” you settle back against him, and very slowly, he dozes off with you right beside him. He doesn’t want to sleep alone again, and luckily, he doesn’t have to. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-December 4th, 2026-

When you return home from patrol, you find Joel in his living room – boots off and socked feet propped on the arm of the couch. You don’t notice his eyes are closed, that he’s asleep, until you get closer, see the book he’d been reading resting on his chest as he snores lightly. You can’t help but feel for him – he’s probably exhausted from constant patrols, so he must be tired. 

But mostly, you’re just overwhelmed by the love you feel for him, catching him in a quiet moment of vulnerability. Hesitantly, you reach out and squeeze his foot. It’s gentle and tender enough that he blinks his eyes open and looks around, taking in his surroundings, rather than jolting awake like he often does. When he sees you on the opposite end of the couch, he melts back into the pillow he’s propped against. 

“Hey, stud,” you lean against the arm of the couch. 

“Hey,” Joel answers, voice still gruff with sleep. “How long was I out?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “I just got in.”

“Hmm,” Joel closes his eyes again, folds his hands across his stomach.

“You’re wearing the glasses I got you,” you point out. They’re simple. Rectangular black frames. You’d found them on patrol, and brought them home after Joel had been complaining that he could barely see when he read before bed. But he’d tried them on and insisted he hated the way they looked, so you’d ended up using them most of the time.

“They do work,” he grumbles, like he’s ashamed to admit it. “But I still think they look stupid.”

“You look like a sexy librarian,” Joel rolls his eyes, but you can tell he’s suppressing a grin. There’s always a bit of defiance about him, he can’t fully admit how you get him so flustered even after you’ve spent so much time together. You press your thumb into the arch of his foot and he groans. “That feel good?” you ask. 

“Yes.”

“Whatcha reading?” You gesture towards the book. 

“Some book about the moon landing,” Joel lifts it off of his chest, where it lay face down and open, looks at the back cover. “For Ellie.”

“How sweet.”

“It’s a little dry,” he deadpans. “But she likes this stuff.” 

You shift your massage to his other foot. Joel stretches, his arms lifting above his head, the shirt he’s wearing rides up just so, so you see a sliver of his lower belly before it disappears again, throwing an arm over his eyes. 

“Are you tired?” you ask. 

“Always,” he says through a yawn. 

“Me too,” you yawn along with him, since they’re contagious. He pulls the glasses from their perch on the bridge of his nose and shuts the book, placing them both on the coffee table in front of him. You take your hands off his feet and he sits up a little straighter, holding out his hand. 

“Come ‘ere,” he says, and you do. 

He grunts as you settle into his arms, head nestled against his chest, sprawling out almost on top of him, the only way you both can fit like this on the couch.

“You’re so warm,” you say softly, letting him wrap his arms around you. 

“You’re cold. Your hands are freezing,” he holds them in his own.

“It’s cold out.”

“Don’t know why you left today.”

“Obligations. Patrol.”

“Fuck that.”

You laugh into his chest, pausing for a moment before speaking again. “You know, I think we might be boring.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, we don’t really leave the house. We spend all day reading. And we’re old.”

“We’re not that old.”

“But we’re getting up there.”

“Sure, but…” Joel trails off. 

“Everything’s so quiet, so calm.”

“I think that’s what most people would describe as content.” 

“Are you content?” you ask, lifting your head to look him in the eyes. 

“I’m happy,” he says softly, tucking a piece of hair behind your ears. “Are you?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Then don’t worry about the rest.”

“Okay,” you settle back against your husband's chest, feel his lips brush your forehead.

His fingers search absentmindedly for the ring on your finger he’d found while clearing out a pawn shop not too long ago. The one he wore looked nothing like your own. But the marriage had been long overdue, and neither of you cared what the rings actually looked like. 

Nowadays, you split your time between his place with Ellie, and your own with Ethan, but end up in his bed every night. At this point, you don’t think you could sleep without him. 

Years ago, another lifetime, you’d had a conversation underneath a sky full of stars. You’d told him that for you, good things had never lasted. Joel had made a promise. 

This will.

It took time. There was a lot of pain. But in the end, he had told you the truth.

-

-

-

[thismustbefakeme]

*screams into void*

III. Body to Flame*

Summary: And because this is how all these meetings end—one of you by the door, imparting some horrible truth on the other—you pierce him all the way through with, “Honestly, don’t you love him more than that?”

A/N: 2.3K words. WELL LOOK who’s biting the bullet and uploading this fic :) We’re approaching our angst era, girls. Thank you for your patience. <3

A History of Touch Masterpost

This is how you want him: just the soft bits. The supple bits. Worked over and molten down to what makes him the same kind of human as you— spit, blood, ache—desire that burns so hot his steel bones would melt.

Honest and exposed—making sounds you want to hear, sounds that aren’t pained or choked with hesitation.

Neither of you are speaking this time. His teeth are pressed against your throat, your back against damp grass about 4 miles from the cabin with the rest of your teammates.

The moon is silver and waning, her closing eye casting a sheen of light over the muscles of Steve’s shoulders and forearms.

You’d gone for a walk. Sometimes you can’t sleep and it was pretty out. Peaceful and chilly and lonely until you heard the door click behind you, Steve in a languid pursuit.

It would be romantic under different circumstances.

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#steve rogers x reader #linzeesficrecs #steve rogers angst #this is delicious #the prose #the angst #inject it into my veins