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thiscrazyfan · 2 years
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I just want to write.
I'm looking at the blank page and I want to put my words on it. I want that my readers know how much I care about them, and I want to stop daydream about my stories.
I want to write short and unimportant silly fanfics, to write my own original story, to tell the world my dreams.
But I'm perelized out of fear, and I can't set myself free. I'm crying daily, and I wonder if I'll ever express out loud my dreams. I don't know if I'll ever be a good author, simply because I can't free myself from the fear.
I'm in a low point mentaly, and try to take care of myself with therapy and exercise. But my dreams never rest, and my mind is hurt.
I'm serrunded by talented students around me. I'm in one of the best art schools in my country, and I daily wait for them tell me it was a mistake, that they shouldn't have let me in.
My close friends (whom I met durning writing class) do something with their stories, write 20k, 50k, 150k stories. And it's great for them, and at the same time I envy them. And they try to help, but they can't help me.
I just wish I could have been more creative, to be a better creatore and actually do something meaningful with my art and writing. Part of my mind reminds me I'm just 23, and young enough to do nothing, but other parts in me call me useless and screams that I'm waisting my time and do nothing all the time.
This is (and ao3) are the only platfurmes I can anonymusly cry.
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thiscrazyfan · 2 years
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Your writing is so good!!!! Its not simple. Oh he is evil and a Demon. Doing worse things. You add the.. Boyish touch. It feels like something a young boy with no parents would do. It's a boy who has no rules and cant grow up. Its so... Human while being inhuman in the sense of that it can't change. It's a stage of humans. Raw. Unfiltered. You also have the charm and why he is charming.
Wow! Big thank for your kind words:):) This is really heartwarming, so glad you've enjoyed my fanfics. I hadn't been on tumblr long time so I only now saw your message. It's wonderful you had found me though. Succesful humanizing characters in stories is undoubtably the greatest compliment writer can get, so huge thank you<3
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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The Leader
The only leader they can have, is Pan. There could be no other leader than him.
At first Wendy didn't noticed it. She was certian that this island, the island that free from rules and hierarchy, there was no need in an actual leader. She told herself that the boys are all behave, and that they are all happy here and do what they want.
When she started to notice that the boys do only what Pan wants, she told herself that it was because he was responsible. He was smart, and creative, and always came up with the best games to play. In her naivity she told herself that those were the traits that drawn the boys to him.
She started to notice that something was wrong when one of the new lost boys, Fred, offered that they'll go find a tresure. Pan imdytly got intrested and said he'll organized a search party that would find the best tresure in the world. Fred didn't said anything, but by the look in his eyes it was clear he was disapointed that he didn't got any credit. Feeling him, she turned over Pan and asked, "shouldn't Fred orgenaized the search party? I'm sure he wants to."
Fred's face light up like christmas tree. However, Pan looked directly at her. She didn't noticed that the boys around her all turned quiet, or the little smirk on Felix's face. Pan said, "Come again?"
"I think that Fred should be in charge on the search party."
"No, that's a stupid idea."
The way he said it, as if it was a fact, insulted Wendy. Why did he thought her ideas were stupid? She never critisissed him before. "Just let him be in chargerged this one time, it will be fun."
The redhead boy turned over to Fred. He looked at him directly, as if there was no one else in the island. He asked, "do you want to lead?"
Fred, the pure little soul that he was, nodd exited.
Still soer, Pan let him be in charged. Wendy was excited for Fred until the search party which the newly- lost- boy lead retuned without Fred, and Pan was the one who declared that his bad leadership got him dead. She cried for monthes after that, and it didn't helped that Pan reminded her, "it was your fault for encourage him to lead."
The next time was years later, when the mask started to sleep and she relized that not everything was as it seemed. She noticed that Felix helped one of the lost to improve his shooting skills. She watched how the other boys looked admirely at him and without thinking she said, "wow Felix, the boys really trust you."
Everyone stoped. Felix looked at her blaimingly. Suddenly she knew she had said something that was really, really wrong. Felix took a threatining step towards her and said, "I only do what any other lost boy would do."
"That's true," Wendy hurried to say, to fix it.
But Edgar, the newest and youngest lost boy, disagree. "That's not true Felix. You do beyond that."
Another lost boy shut him up right away, and Wendy was greatful. Pan was nowhere around and she had almost let herself to calm down when in the next day Felix is gone. She is paniced. Maybe she and Felix are not best friends, yet she didn't want him to die. She, Tootles, Slightly and the twins searched for him and Pan all around the camp. They all feared the worst and Wendy blamed herself for that.
Thankfully, they came back a few hours later. Felix had a new scar, nothing else bad. She made sure not to say ever again something about how helpful Felix was.
And whatever Pan and him had been through that day they were gone, it sank in. Felix stopped helping the other boys around. When they got hurt, when they needed something, there was no responsible lost boy to turn to. No older lost boy who knew how to shoot an arrow. No lost boy who came to disinfect their injured knees.
Wendy knew it can't last like this forever. If every lost boy would only have himself to take care of, they would be in troubles. Pan might be the leader, but he didn't cared enough to help them with all their little problems. Someone had to put an end to that.
So she was the one who helped. She learned how to shoot the target to teach the other boys how to shoot well. She learned how to make medicines from wild flowers and how to encourage the boys to go on adventures. She payed attention to them, and helped them whenever she could.
She couldn't tell when the change started exactly. One day she was all alone, doing her everyday tasks. The next day she barely had any free time for herself. The boys were starved for attention. They asked her all day, they wanted her to help them. They always wanted to know what was on her mind, what she had thought about their ideas and if she was proud at them.
Wendy really didn't thought that Pan would mind it. It wasn't like she had done something out of the ordinery. She just helped them as she could.
Maybe he really didn't cared. Not really. At least not until the day he offered that they would go to fight the pirates and Eddie, little Eddie, whispered, "what mom thinks of that?"
The boys all looked at her. Wendy felt ice swiming in her veins. Surly Eddie just got it a little mixed up. He just missed him mother so badly that he thought of her accidently as such.
And then Gabriel, who was just a little bit older asked, "yeah, what mom thinks?"
More and more mumbles repeated the question. The older boys, Rufio, Felix, Nibs and all those who watched it all before kept their mouth shut. It didn't made up for the other twenty boys who eagerly waited for her reply.
She could feel Pan's eyes on her. The memory of the day poor Fred died crossed her mind. She felt her lower lips shaken. Pan stood in front of her. His eyes drilled a hole into her soul. With the coldest voice she heard, he said, "very well, what mom thinks?"
Wendy wearked her mind in a way out of this question. She couldn't have let Pan know what she really thinks about fighting against pirates. She couldn't lie to him either, not when he knew all too well how much she hated those fights.
Her voice broke, "I think... that your leader knows what he is doing. He brought you're all hear safetly, to this wonderful land where you should never grow old. He always comes up with the best plan. I'm sure you all should listen to him."
Pan and her kept staring at each other. From the corner of her eyes she noticed that Nibs covered his mouth. It was probably look into snake's eyes.
Finally, Pan looked away from her. His lips quirk into a wild smile and he called, "you heard mom boys! Let's go fight the pirates!"
The boys all cheers. Rufio tapped on her back in cheer. Wendy was shocked. She did it. She passed the test. And she proved to Pan that she was not a threat to him.
That was what she thought. A few days later, after they won several battles against the pirates, Pan showed up behind her. He scared her so much that she almost lost her balance. Her reaction amused him. He said, "come with me."
Wendy was surprised. Not from the invatetion. From the tone he used. It was actually a more soft tone than she was used to hear him use. It almost sounded like a request. If he could request stuff. "Sure."
It wasn't like she had any choice.
He gave her his arm, and Wendy tried to ignore the little spark she felt when he did so. They held hands, such a grown- up thingy, and walked deeper into the woods. Pan had a seriuse expression on his face, one that Wendy not often had seen.
She wanted to ask him how was his victory, or tell him any other compliment that would make it easier for her. She couldn't. The next words should come from Pan himself. She waited paitently to open his mouth. Only when they were farther into the woods he spoke, "You really like the lost boys, right Wendy?"
Wendy bited her tounge. His question was so inecent, and yet Wendy knew she should be careful with her words. She looked at his boyish face and thought how misleading he looked. "Of course I like the lost boys. All of them."
"Hm-hm." He removed another bench from her way. How noble of him. "How much you like the lost boys, Wendy?"
"I- I like them a lot."
"A lot?"
"I- Yeah, a- a lot."
"Could you be more specific? I really want to know how much you like them."
She heard the edge in his voice when he said that word. Wendy felt her words escaping her. She had to come up with something to say, fast. "I'm- I'm-"
When he grabbed her shoulders, she sileneced. She let him pull her over one tree and press her back against it. She gasped. Pan smiled at her, his nails dugg into her flash hard. He said again, "go ahead Wendy, tell me how much you love them."
Dear god, this was the end. She would never see her brothers or her parents again. Wendy forced herself to look at him without blinking. She whispered, "I love them- very deeply. Very- very deeply."
Pan nodd, as if it was the answer he wanted. His nails cut her flash. "Would you say you love them... as a mother, loves her children?"
Obviusly not. She was a kid. She could not really love them as if they were her children. Well, what's worst? That they'll feel towards her parenting affection, or normal one? "I love them as a mother loves her children," she said the words quickly.
Pan removed one hand from her shoulder. She noticed he lowered it down to his side, close to where he put his dagger. "See, I'm a little... lost here, Wendy. How does a mother loves her children?"
If only she could run. Maybe if she'll scream someone would come to help her. But they'll have to fight Pan, and Wendy would never forgive herself if they'll get in troubles because of her. She said quickly, "A mother- a mother always thinks of what's good for her children. She reads them stories, and comfort them when they cry, and they can come to her if there is any trouble-"
She saw that his smile tighten. No, please no. "She can solves problem?" His hand touched the handle of his weapon.
"No- Well, yeah, but-"
"Kind of like a leader?"
In the real world, mom was her leader. But this was in another life. Better life. And Wendy knew from Pan's expression that she have to find another answer. She can't delete her words, she can't take them back. She worked her mind of what to say.
Right before Pan pulled out his dagger she squeezed, "she is secondery."
Pan stopped. He didn't let her go, but he looked at her lips. He was listening.
Wendy didn't knew if this was right. She didn't cared either. She had to come up with something. "Mom is always secondery. The real leader."
His eyebrows raised up. He pushed her harder against the tree. "And who-" he whispered in her ear, "-is the real leader?"
Her back hurt her. It was hard to think this way. "It's dad."
Pan's grip on her losen slightly. If he was surprised by her words, he didn't shown it. He repeated. "Dad."
"Yes. Dad is... He is the one that in charged on everyone."
She had his attention now. She noticed the way his lips moved up, the way that he smiled when he had thought about a new advanture. "What does dad do?"
"Dad is the one... He is in charged on the family. He tells everyone what to do. And there are problems mom can never solve, you know? So dad is the one that fix those for her."
Things that mom can't do, and he can. This thought is more like him. Gaining more cinfident, Wendy went on: "he is the strongest, the smartest, and the most important parent. Mom always have to listen to dad. And everyone loves him."
And that is the key sentence. She knew all too well how much Pan wanted to be loved.
His grip turned gentler now. The dagger had been forgoten. Pan thought about her words, considered her idea. The look he had was softer, and Wendy knew she was almost there.
He asked her, "And mom?"
"Mom loves dad more than anyone else in the world."
"Does she?"
"She does. She have to love him more than anyone. He is dad."
Pan likes that idea even more. She can see it. She feels it from Pan. He let her go from the tree and ofers her again his hand. "We should come back, they probably looking for us."
Wendy didn't said a word. Not when they come back, not when all the sudden the young lost- boys called pan "dad". Not when Rufio gave her that worried gaze, or when Nibs thanked heaven quietly that she came back.
She had never forget that dagger, and that Pan is the one true leader.
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Same...
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It’s been almost 20 years and I’m still not over this, or them. Oh my heart 🥺♥️
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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But Why?
Why did Felix didn't like her?
Wendy worked so hard to be liked by all the lost boys. She sang them songs. She cleaned their clothes. She told them bedtime stories. There was no one in Neverland that had worked harder than she worked.
It took a while for most of the lost boys to warm up to her. Slightly took over a year even. Still, none of them was as cold as Felix was towards her. He often turned his back on her and never talked when she was around. And that hurt.
Wendy knew you can't make everyone like you. Her mother taught her that. Wendy just wanted to know why. If it was something in her behaever, she wanted to change it.
That's why she smiled more to Felix when he was around, why she cleaned his clothed and always praised him.
No matter what she said, Felix was still rude to her.
Felix wasn't so cold to anyone else. He always helped the younger lost boys, he taught Tootles how to shoot arrowrs. He was the second in comand. He was the boy they came to ask help whenever the leader wasn't arround.
What should she do? Wendy asked herself often. She wondered if she should ask Pan about that, but she knew that Pan wouldn't mind about that. He would probably say, "Why do you care about another lost boy? The only boy you should think about is me!"
Wendy tried to tell herself that she didn't cared at all. that Felix can dislike her as much as he wanted. So why couldn't she stop the little voice in her mind that said, "you do want to know! you do!"?
It's not like that she was mean towards him. It wasn't like she disobyed to him, or to Pan. She never did anything that Pan didn't allowed her. In fact, everything she did in the camp was in Pan's order.
So why did Felix seemed angrier at her whenever Pan asked her to tell another story? Why did his eyes darkned when she danced, when It was Pan who asked her to dance? Why did Felix was so bitter, when all she ever did was by his or Pan's requests?
Wendy had no idea. She'll keep being nice to Felix, until he'll change his mind on her.
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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WAR!
Peter leapt on to a big rock. "No! Let’s have a WAR!"
This marvellous idea of his set Fireflyer whooping and wheeling in fits of delight. "A war, yes! I never saw a war!" The fairy clung to Peter’s unkempt hair, like fire to a fuse.
The Twins stopped fighting. John brushed sand off his sailor suit.
"No," said Wendy. "Don’t let’s."
"No," said Curly. "Let’s not."
"No," said John. "Not a War."
Perhaps it was the clammy touch of the mist. Perhaps it was the ghost of a memory. Perhaps, in far off Fotheringdene someone leaned against the war memorial on the village green ...
"Done War," said one Twin.
"Me too," said the other.
"Michael wouldn’t like it," said Slightly.
Peter stamped his foot in outrage. "And just who is Michael?"
John gave a gasp. Wendy turned away. Could Peter really have forgotten their brother? Their wonderful brother Michael? For a long time no one spoke. There was only the noise of Fireflyer fizzing and fretting around their heads.
"Michael Darling went away to the Big War," said Slightly. "He was ... Lost."
Peter stared at them, these mutineers, with their white faces, wet hair, sad eyes. Then he somersaulted carelessly off the rock. "Ah! One of the Lost Boys! Do you expect me to remember them all? There were so many!"
No one tried to explain. They knew that Peter Pan (and foolish young fairies like Fireflyer) were much better off not knowing about the War.
(Peter Pan in Scarlet, 2006, by Geraldine McCaughrean)
-
Pray for the childrens of the middle east.
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Child Inside.
(Short explanation: my grandfather had alzheimer. He died 5 days ago.)
She can't understand what others say to her. "Stay strong." "Sorry for your loss." "I hope you find some peace."
Peter is still alive. He's not dead.
She looks at his wrinkled face and youthful smile. After all those years together, he still have those youthful amusement. He smiles a lot those days, so he must be happy, right?
Sometimes he forgets who stands in front of him. She fix him when he calls Felix Tootels, or mistaken Slightly for Curly. When they asks her she apologies and says, "well, you know he always had so many friends in his group. His lost boys, as he named you. You can't expect him to remember all of you."
And they look at him again, and they understands.
Sometimes she cries, when he says something inappropriate to someone on the street or when he calls her stupid. She really does feels stupid sometimes. Why did it happened to her? To them?
Looking at the mirror makes her miss more to the old times. When she was young and beautiful, and her Peter was the handsome hero. They used to have so many adventures. They went on so many journeys together.
Now she can see clearly the lines on her face. Her hair is grey. She is no longer just "mother," she is "grandmother."
She looks at the love of her life and wants to cry again. He says broken sentences sometimes. That's how she knows: he still lives the past in his mind. He still thinks of himself as a boy. The way he speaks on Neverland, as if he is still there... Does he still sees her there? As she used to be?
Wendy wonders if he loves her. If he remembers her.
When time went by, he stops calling her name. No more Wendy, no more Bird. No more sounds. All he says are those stupid and nonsensical sentences, croaking as if he was a roster.
Everybody knows that there is something wrong with him, but she tries to help him. "Peter! Peter! Say hey to Tink! You remembers her?"
And he looks at their visitors and laugh, so he must remember, right?
Her hands starts shaking. Her friends all tells her that she lost her weight. They say she needs to take him to a doctor or some sort of hostel. What do they know? She knows what's good for Peter! No one knows him better than her! Even if he is mean towards her those days, she can still remember the love they shared.
He can no longer walk. He is no longer talks. He needs to wear a diaper. She can see more wrinkles on their faces. Sometimes she wants to give up.
Then she thinks how Peter had never given up on her, so she shouldn't let him down.
So she stays strong, for Peter, because she loves him. Because she knows, or think, that he is still loves her inside.
One day it's all stops.
So sudden actually. His heart just gave up. She finds him in her bed, his lips turned blue already. She screams. The ambulance guides her how to press on his chest. Course her weak shaking hands. They failed her. She let Peter down.
They takes him to the hospital. She can't stop crying. Tink is there with her, forcing her to eat half a sandwich. She is not deserved it. She had to save Peter. How could she not save him?
At his funeral, She can't understand what others say to her. Their words are blurry and useless.
Her Peter is gone, he went back to Neverland.
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Pizza! (fluff)
"There you go."
Peter's nose crinkled. This didn't look very appetising. Hot steam raised from it, melted cheese spread on it, and most of it was due. Why would anyone want to eat it?
Wendy, from the other side of the table, thanked the waitress. "It's smells amazing, Ruby. Tell Granny."
Ruby flashed her a smile, then looked threateningly at Pan. The boy ignored her. He never cared what silly girls thought about him. As she walked away he asked Wendy, "why is this pie... flat?"
Wendy giggled. Eversince he came to this world, she had done it much more. Against his will, as every time he she giggled, he felt warm inside. "It's supposed to look like this."
"It's look so messy."
"Don't be so worried. It's just food."
This didn't look like any food Pan had ever ate. He didn't want to bite it. He didn't even wanted to come here. If it was up to him, he would have stayed with Wendy on "OurNewHangmanTree" (that was the name they gave their new home- an abandon house the lost boys claimed for themselves in Storybrooke) and imagine for her a meal in their kitchen.
It was Wendy- bird that insisted that they'll get out. Her new friends in Storybrooke's high school told her they should go "on a proper date." It was easier for her to get adopt the new rules. She stayed with her brothers now, and they probably helped her.
Not that Pan wanted help.
To his surprise, Wendy-bird took a piece by her hand. Wendy- bird, the little english lady. The girl who insisted on proper manners around the campfire. She took a big bite from the meal. "Hm, so good."
Pan's eyes narrowed, "You like it so much that you eat it like this? With your hands?"
"This is how you eat that. Come on, take a slice."
Pan didn't want to take a slice. This didn't look appetising at all. And the cheese might fall on him. He looked at Wendy's face and swallowed his resistence. She looked at him with such expectetion.
She was so exited about everything in this new world. Why? He had no idea. Surly this thing can't taste that good, right?
He took one slice in his hand. It wasn't as hot as he thought it would. He heard Wendy taking a sharp breath and held himself from snoring. She acted as if he just crowned her or something.
He pushed the thought about that time he crowned her as the queen of Neverland. It was in a different times.
Once he took the first bite, his eyes opened wide. Wow. This crust actully was good. And the melted cheese tasted better than he thought. Sure, it was nothing like imaginary food. And yet it tasted good enough.
Wendy made a happy sound. "You like it?"
Her excitement was more hot than his slice, so touching. He smiled back at her. Of course the pizza tasted good, but the fact that they shared it together made it more delicious in his mind.
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Your evil Pan fics are gold i love them 🥺♥️ makes me want to do fanarts of them ajsjdjajdjs
First, thank you so much💜💜💜
I really didn't thought that anyone would like those fics so every time that someone says anything about those I smile for the rest of the day😍 as for fanart, you should defently do it! I'll be more than happy to see it if you want to publish here;)
Those fics born in response to another two fanfics: "Dark Paradise" by @ladykikyo1792 (that reminded me that it's no shame to be a darling pan shipper😉) and a collection of fanfics on ao3 called "you made an island of me" (it's an orphan work so I can't give the author proper credit)
It would be amazing to see your cretive work as well:) if they inspired me, and I'm inspiring you, I'm sure your work would inspire someone as well😘😘😘😘
In fact...
Since anonymous had sent me this and I'm not really shaming anyone, I'm putting hashtag for more darling pan friends😍 let's all support this fandom!
@madness7pan @purplehandsflapclam @ryik-the-writer @idairscorner @jellie---25 @ask-panofneverland
And I'm sure I've missed many more, so you all welcome to comment your name here/link others🌺🌺🌺
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Jane #2
She walked over the rotting tavern. Her ginger hair tight behind her in low pony-tail. Face blanks, she entered.
Inside the owner sat behind broken desk. "No vacant rooms."
She tossed him a coin.
The old man took the round metal. He bit its tip, than looked at her. "How many of you?"
"Just me."
"Where's your father? Brother? Husband?"
"Just me."
The old man didn't believed her. He lowered his voice, "look, we don't want troubles here. if he's an outlaw-"
"No outlaws, swear."
"You better."
"How old are you anyway? You can't be older than 14."
She handed him another coin, and he said nothing. Soon her money would run out. Her eyes scanned the room. Two men played pool. Maybe she could bet against them later.
The old owner handed her open book. "Sign here."
She wrote, JD.
After that had over, she walked over the room he pointed at. The room inside was dirty and dark, but for Jane it wasn't mind. After days of walking nonstop, any room suited her.
She pushed the closet to block the door. In her early years she learned that if you wouldn't be careful, you would get burned. Then she walked past the room, made sure she was alone.
When she was finally sure she was safe, she put down her backpack. Out of all the items inside, she pulled out leather book. Her fingers shook when she read the first lines.
She can’t forget you. She wish she could.
Who did the author meant by it? Did the girl thought about her? Or her father?
Jane wished she knew. There are so many missing parts in that puzzle. She had no idea where to look for, who to ask.
She brushed her fingers on the printed words. It was her fifteen birthday today. After escaping her earlier life, she thought she would be closer to find out. For the last five years she wander alone in this world, tried to find a clue. But no one in this world had heard about Neverland.
Yet, she refused to give up. She'll find Wendy Darling, whatever it takes.
"Don't worry, mom. I'll give you new memories. Good memories."
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I don't know if anyone on tumblr save @jellie---25 wanted a sequle, and even that is not what I've been asked to tell, but my life is a mess right now so I'm publishing now just the preview before the actuall story. I hope I could write more in the future, but right I can't find the time to write. Yeah, it's annoying. Espically since writing is my therapy for stress. Have a wonderful day!
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Chart Of Problems
Wendy check the time on the wall clock. 7:59 a.m.. Her heart beaten fast with- expectation? Fear? Both? He would be here soon.
She cleaned her office earlier. Still, there was so little she could do. This tin shack built around a century ago. No amount of washes could help it. Some mold got in. Some dirt glued to the wall's corners. The windows were in terrible state.
He heard about her complaints. When she asked him how to solved it, he answer: "use your imagination."
Her uniforms were straight, her hair tight with a bow. She always followed the rules. Always wanted to look presented.
Her office's door opened up. He didn't knock, again. Since they were alone, she didn't salute him. "Good morning, Peter."
The redhead male entered. He closed the door behind him and frowned. "The floor's sticky."
"It's the bleach."
"Keep the window open, let it dry!"
She kept the window open for an hour. And the door. "I've washed here first thing when I came."
"And it's not dry yet? Wow." Terrible floor. Another thing he needed probably to fix. And he wouldn't do it soon.
He set from the other side of the table. His lower lip dusted with sugar. Looking at him made her both rage and happy at the same time. He was so handsome in his green uniform. She adored him, and the same time hated him.
She opened her computer file. "I'll add that to the chart. New floor."
Peter said, "I've told you, when I can-"
"-You'll get me a new shack. Yeah. But first, the pirates must be defeated."
"Don't be bitter. It's makes you older."
She almost typed his reply. He teased her with his smirk. She hated when he did. All her complaints had been ignored. He never thought again on her words.
She still going to tell him all.
"Let's get this over with," Wendy read out loud the first line, "Details: 14 lost boys in Neverland. 56 fairies. 783 mermaids. One support. Total: 854 forces against the pirates. Is it matching your daily notes?"
"Yes."
"Complains and notes, 03/19/3046. Write it down."
He didn't even pulled out a page. He didn't cared. He knew she'll send him a copy anyway. Just once, she wanted him to take notes. "Slightly asks a clean new uniforms. His are tore and dirty."
"Not approve." He sang those words, as always.
"The twins want to get out early this Thursday. They wants to learn a new-"
"Not approve."
Wendy knew he wouldn't agree on that. She also told the twins that. He hated when others wanted to learn. Hated when others were smarter than him. She still said, "please think-"
"No."
"Fine. Nibs have financials problems at home. He wants to sell some fairy dust. Just until-"
"Not approve. Fairy dust needed to fight. That's why we pay the lost boys with it."
She almost lost her self-control. "His mom needs a cheque book!"
His apathy had no limits. He said, "It's not like he is never home."
"Peter!"
"Honestly Wendy, you amaze me. Think about Neverland. Our Island needs the Fairy dust."
A few bottles of fairy dust wouldn't change! And Nibs needed the money. She was in his 'home'. Dirty shack, moldy, no electric. It had only two rooms. In the other room Nib's mom slept. She was too weak to meet Wendy.
She clenched and released her fist. Pan had famous for his anger. The last thing she needed was to get him angry. It would only make him leave. At least when he was here he heard her.
She kept telling him the complaints. He refused all. It was no longer about her terrible office. The commander of Neverland didn't cared about his soldiers. He heard, disapproved, than shrugged.
"Well, we done?"
She said through gathered teeth, "At least pretend that you care!"
He looked at her. For a second the mask slipped. She saw the boy he was inside. "I do care," he said, "but Neverland comes first."
"Your lost boys-"
"Needs to fight the pirates. I know you all have problems. I'm not blind Wendy, yet you all selfish. Think about the bigger picture, instead of your needs. The pirates look for our weakness. I need to put all our resources to save us from them. Me, by myself. And if my lost boys would be distracted by those sort of problems, we are all dead."
Wendy felt bad. He turned and left. She wanted to apologise, to tell him to stay just a little. No word left her lips.
Pan had good intentions. She had seen what the pirates can do. How cruel they were. Pan was partly right. If the lost boys wouldn't be focused on fight, they'll die. And so would Neverland.
The problem was that he didn't knew when to let give them help.
He was their commander. He was the boys dad, sort of. No one had prepared Pan for that role. And he- like them- was still a kid himself. Wendy looked back at her computers. So many personal problems. No kid can handle this alone.
She wonder if this was why he thought it all as a game. To deal with the sad fact: without him, Neverland was lost.
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Oh, fun fact about me: I was military HR from when I was 18 till I was 20 (Two years ago). My commander and I were the same age. Is any of the problem above was something that I've really heard? No, they were ust a hint of what I've heard. I can't tell you even the hardest/ funniest problems.
Also, I've been asked to write a new part for 'Jane'. I had for a while an idea to expand this story for a longer one shots where Jane is looking for her parents. I don't know how many parts I'll write it, but would anyone be interested in a longer story?
@jellie---25
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Two Secrets Only
Felix knew more than they had thought.
Well, everyone knew that Felix knew a lot about Neverland's secrets, but as the second in comand they thought he still knew less than Peter Pan himself. That mistake wasn't born out of contempt or derision, it was because everyone asumed (rightfully) that there was never a smarter, a more talented, or more capeable boy than the leader of the lost boys. Even Slightly, who was one smarter boys on the island, had no idea how much Felix knew.
It true that Felix was nothing compare to Pan himself. However, Felix had one quility that Pan didn't had (don't tell Pan I've said that!): Felix cared. He cared for his friends, he cared that the pirates knew where not to stick their noses, he cared for the blond fiary that mostly stayed on her part on the other side of the island.
And yes, more than anything else he cared for Pan. To make sure that there were no secrets on the island that harmed him.
So he kept on eveyones secrets as much as he could. The last thing that Pan wanted to know was that some lost boy had any second thought about neverland, about finding his way back home. He convinced the boys who was weak and needed a little "push" that they should stay here, and pushed aside any disloyel thoughts from their mind. Loyalty for Pan would garrenty happines. For all of them.
Only when their thoughts had threaten to harm the balance... well, it wasn't a snitch if he told it for the greater good.
He didn't had to snitch really often, luckly.
Pan knew that Felix was smart, and in some place deep in his mind Felix asumed that Pan knew he didn't told him all the secrets. He probably knew, as well as his second in comand, that he only hid information so he wouldn't ruin the fun. Nobody wants to ruin the game.
Felix knew that sooner or later he would have to tell Pan all the secrets that he could not "fix". He could tell Pan all the secrets if he needed, exept for two.
The first one was the scariest secret. The secret of Pan himself. Oh, his leader must have thought that he had no idea, but he knew. He knew better than anyone else the signs on Pan's face. He knew that Pan's features soften around her. He saw how he came to visit her when she was asleep, how he kept quiet and stare at her often. How he played often his papes even though she couldn't hear his music because the energy that filled the air when he played calmed Wendy Darling.
No, he could never tell his leader that he was in love with Wendy. Such a thing would be a grown up thing, and who knows how Pan would deal with his fourstration that he had done something mature? Pan might hurt Wendy or himself, all in the sake of getting rid of those emotions.
The seccond, and not less important secret that he wouldn't tell, was how well Felix understood him. He felt his fists tight whenever he reminded himself that he should get rid of those harmfull emotions. He knew, all too well, what it meant to be in love. Espiclly with someone who could never love you back fully. He kept reminding himself that if Pan would ever find out what he felt, Pan would cut his throat without hissetatione. Neverland was his home, but Felix couldn't stay if he had thought about something like love.
Felix knew all the secrets. Most of them he hid to keep the peace, but if Pan wanted to he would scream it out loud from the highest cliff he could reach.
Except for two secrets, that he had to hide. No matter how much Pan would want to know.
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Finally, I've finished my tests for this semester. Those sort of fanfics and oneshots are my cool-down after the study marthone.
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Thousand Hits
Her body lay helplessly on the wet dirt. It was everything against what her mother tought her about good female behave. Good girls never lay on the ground. Good girls never let their clothes to get dirty.
But Wendy also been tought that the man is the head of the family, and you can’t move without approval of him.
How long would she stay there? Maybe one of the lost boys would find her and would force her to stand up and get back to camp, again. Or maybe Tinkerbell would find her in this place and would take her to her treehouse to sleep.
She didn’t wanted to move on her own. The stormy wind, the frozen trees all told her that Pan was still angry at her. It wasn’t out of the ordinary. The boy had such a temper mood that it’s enough just to say a word to trigger him. She learned back in her first days in Neverland that it’s best not to insult him back, and granted her teeth in exchanged.
Lately he was very annoyed, not specifically on her: he broke Slightly knuckle because he walked too much, he almost broke Tootels’s nose because he breathed too loudly, and almost poked out Felix’s eye. His own shadow was missing, and that was a bad sign as well.
The first time he hit her, Wendy was shocked. She was so used to the soft touch of her parents that when he pushed her against the tree so harsh that she could hear rings in her ears, she screamed. The fact that she was so scared made him furies, and he gave her a second hit. The third and the fourth followed. He only stopped after ten.
The eleventh time came three days later, when he noticed that she looked at the sea with a smile. Felix told her once in a rare moment of honesty between them that he thought she looked at the pirate’s ship. Pan hated that when he thought she wanted to play with the pirates.
Twelve to twenty five came because she wanted to go home. Twenty six to thirty were because she was kind to a lost boy who was not Pan.
No one had ever asked her, so she never told that she could remember every time that she got hit.
Is it normal that I feel this cold after thousand hits? She asked herself. She used to cry when he done it in the other times. Now she had no tears in her.
Pan never liked to ask her forgiveness. When the storm on the isle would pass she’ll know that he calmed down. He’ll find her wherever she she’ll hide from him, would tell a joke or ask her to play with him. He would not address to the fact that she had blue and purple marks all over her body. He would ignore her shaken body. Pan would treat her again as the most beloved girl in Neverland.
Wendy wonder if he ever counted his hits like she did.
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If you or anyone around you is suffer from violent, you are not alone. Wherever you are in the world there are organizations that works around the clock to help women and children in danger. Call or contact with them online, and save your or those around you lives!
So I’ve got one thousand hits on the fanfic in AO3, where I’m publishing those one shots. I thought Thousand Hits sounds like a really good title, I should do something with that. I’m writting those fanfics primarily because it’s helping me dealing with my stress durning college, but I’m very grateful to all those who read and keeps reading those one shots here on tumblr and on AO3. You are all wonderful people!
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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We talked in class about how in the mid 19th century they started to dress kids in pastels colors, about how blue considered to be feminin and sute for blond girls with blue eyes, and green attached to redheads.
Wild guess, friends: what was I thinking about the entire discussion?
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Me: enough, I'm too old to be darlingpan shipper.
(Ladykikyo1792 publish something related to Dark Paradise)
Me: No I'm not.
Deleted Scene:  Neverland Flashback (before the Football Game)
As requested by @thiscrazyfan​, I’m able to provide you all with a deleted scene!
How this segment works:  you’ll see commentary from me that is non-italicized.  The italicized parts are the flashback/deleted scene.  
This scene has spoilers for/would have taken place in Chapter 15, “I’m Learning All Your Tricks, I Can Hurt You from Inside.”  I’d love to know what you think- though to keep spoilers to a minimum, please send me an ask or a message! I hope you enjoy!
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Keep reading
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Her Only Friend #2
As I said, I’m taking tests now on college now and have no time to write long one shots. But this had been requested, so...
“Ready, set, attack!”
Wendy swinged up her sword while laugh. She wasn’t strang enough to hold it as stable as her rival, and from time to time her sword slipped down. The girl in front of her used the back of her sword to slap her on her arms and cuts, and every touch made Wendy darling laugh harder.
Finally, the sword she held slept down from her grab. Wendy couldn’t stopp laughing as her “enemy” aimed the sword to her temple. “Sorunder!”
“Never!” Wendy called. Before the other blond could see it coming Wendy took half step to her right, before throwing herself front. The surprise attack worked. Tinkerbell lost her balance, dropped her sword and the two girls rolled down on the grass. 
When they stopped rolling they looked at each other, and laughed harder. The pirates could probably hear them from the shore. Perhaps they asked themselves what was wrong with those two. 
Tink’s hair fell on her face. Wendy used to fingers to push it back. She smiled. “It’s much more fun to fight against you than with boys.”
Tink’s smile didn’t fell, yet her eyes cold. “Why?”
Wendy knew she was thinking about the lost boys. And honestly, she had a point. Fighting against the lost boys was less a game and more a battle. Lost boys hated to lose. They would fight against you until you’ll bleed to death.
Pan never allowed her to fight against them. One time she offered one of the new boys to fight with her and cut her accidentally on her arm. She tried to hide it, and failed. She could still remember his screams.
“When my brothers and I fought it was always like... they always been tought that you should never hit a girl, that I’m weak and can’t defend myself. So they always let me win.”
Tink blinked. “Your brothers, sure. Wow, that’s...”
“Boring.” She pulled herself up and lowered her hand for Tink. “At some point I told them that I would no longer tell them stories until I’ll lose.”
“You kidding me!”
Wendy nod. “Than I did lost, but it was obvious they faked half the battle.”
Tink snored. She, of course, couldn’t remeber a game when she wanted to lose. Wendy could never tell her that the dual with her, the fights where Tink never played fair with her yet didn’t hurt her, was the best part of her day. She could never tell her that while she came to her to learn from the fairy how to protect herself, she didn’t wanted to win.
Because winning meant she had learned. Learning means that Felix would make sure their time together would stop. And Wendy didn’t want to stop seeing Tinkerbell- she wanted to always keep playing with her.
As Tink took her sword of the ground and hand Wendy her's she said, “Well, I’m proud to say that you have lost fair and squire.”
Wendy took a bow. She pushed aside the bad thoughts. “I’d be honored!”
“Ready to lose again?”
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@purplehandsflapclam
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thiscrazyfan · 3 years
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Kissing Her
I’ve been asked to continue my one shot “Kissing Him”. But I’m dry out of ideas and it’s tests time in my collage, so I just wrote Pan;s pov. Hope you liked!
Peter Pan hated other people's touch. If a lost boy was reckless enough to brush his hand on his leader's back, even if he didn't ment it, Pan's eyes would have turned black and he would have been attack the unfortunate boy. The others would have been laugh nervously and naturally walked away from him. From his point of view, there was nothing wrong with teaching his friends this violent lesson: boys learned better to stay away if they feared.
When Wendy Darling came to Neverland, he pushed her away like he did to the others. Mother or not, the demonic boy wouldn't let clean up his bleeding cuts. It didn't matter to him that her skin seemed really soft or that her hair always smelled like warm summer. It didn't matter to him that the lost boys seemed to adore her.
He believed that he'll never let her touch him, until the day that he had seen her kissing Curly's head. An unfamiliar emotion filled him inside. Kings had no reason to feel envy. So why he had longed Wendy to press her soft lips against his temple?
He believed this emotion would be gone as quickly as it came, as long as he wouldn't see the maternal girl kissing another. Alas, she couldn't keep her lips to herself. There was a part inside him that claim that she had done this on purpose. She must have known about the storm that awoken in his chest when she had seen pressing her mouth on the lost boys cuts and wounds, Otherwise, why else she kissed them so often?
He tried to convince himself that he didn't care, that Wendy can kiss whoever she wants. His wrists still clenched into fists when he saw her showing any affection towards his friends.
Wendy declared that if they want her to kiss them they should just say so, he knew she did this on purpose. What kind of girl let a group of savage boys permission to ask her to kiss them as they liked? She liked kissing the boys, he believed it  thervenly. In other live he learned that there was a harsh word to those kind of girls.
Pan was determinate that he shall never ask her for a kiss. Too bad that with ever day that passed this determination melted down. The other boys loved her touch, and somehow he knew that he'll like her touch as well.
Even after Pan had admitted himself that he would like a kiss from Wendy Darling, he knew he wouldn't let the other boys to see them kissing. He took her to an isolated spot on the island where he knew they where free from snooping eyes. All that he wanted was only one kiss. It hurt him that Wendy looked so shaken when he pointed on his cheek and he thought bitterly, You didn't mind when it was any other boy,
He was still angry when she lower her mouth to the right side of his mouth. Pan even thought he should push her to the ground until he felt her lips against his flesh. For one second the world stopped and Pan's dark heart skipped a beat. Suddenly he knew why the lost boys wanted her to kiss them all the time. Her lips was so warm and felt really good against his skin. It felt better than even to kill a pirate.
He couldn't grab the fact that Wendy left until she was back at camp. Why would she leave him like this? She loved to kiss the other boys, and always stayed around after she kissed them. He wonder what was it that pushed Wendy away. He pushed out the little voice that told him that she run from him because she hated to kiss him, that kissing him was nothing like kissing any other boy in Neverland.
He didn't mind if Wendy liked it or not, because this feeling was too good to live without it now. Every time he could have had her now, he took. Every so often he thought about new places she should kiss him. Places he saw grown ups kiss when he lived in another world. More and more he wanted those lips.
Felix noticed that there was something about them, and his second in commands didn't like it. One night when they celebrated arround the camp he told Pan, "now she'll know how to get herself out of troubles."
Pan replay, "She can't. No one is above my laws."
He didn't tell Felix that he watched her carefully now, that there was a part in him that wanted to punish Wendy harshly. He had no idea yet how. Still, he knew it would be involved touching and waited for it.
But Wendy was so good, so pure. She was never wrong, and her soft lips kept him calm and happy all the time. He had two parts in him now. One part enjoyed her gentle touch and the bond they shared. The other part in him felt that it was not enough. It couldn't be enough. A need for something new awoken in him, something he didn't knew exactly what was.
Than one day he knew.
When he told her to kiss him on his lips, he felt her hesitation. Of course she had hesitate. It was all fun and games until that moment, and even Pan himself was not so sure why he wanted her to kiss him there. He just knew that he needed her to kiss him there. He wanted to tell her that it was a big step in his mind as well, that no girl had ever kissed him there.
Kissing Wendy Darling on her lips was nothing like get a kiss from her in any other place. She was still as a statue and froze when he touched her, and yet it was better than anything he had ever experiment. She needed some help to open up for him. He used his hands to show her what she needed to do. Even like that it was magical. He wanted to swallow her up.
When the kiss broke he saw the red color on her cheeks. How charming the color was on her. Blushing and gasping she was amazing. And all his. A new realization came to Pan: he couldn't share her anymore. He shouldn't. He flew back to the camp and sworn in front of the others that if any one of them would dare to even think about Wendy's lips again, he would throttle them himself.
He had Wendy darling all to himself, and Pan discovered that he liked it when she touched him. He wanted to encourage her to touch him more, to explore his body. He used his kisses to tell her that it's ok, that she allowed to act curious with him. Sadly she was not as brave to explore like he was, and he needed to act more and more bold with his hints. She'll gets there, he knew she would. All that Wendy needed was more convincing.
Wendy was a shy little girl, and she was gentler than he was in her kisses. Maybe if he'll be more bold, she'll understand that he wanted her act bold with him. He didn't care to give her more clues act bold. It didn't matter to him that everyone probably knew by now what he felt for Wendy. Kissing her felt better than anything.
He could never get tired from Wendy Darling.
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@maryam3568
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