this-is-called-acting

[this-is-called-acting]

Last post about this was in June - it is now January and amazingly there is more drama, just not drama that I’m involved in.

So, things have been all over the place with the theatre company. First, it was closed. Then it was moving into podcasts and in-person shows. Then it was moving back into virtual shows because the in-person shows weren’t getting enough interest. Now it is, “Should I just give up on this again?” 

And the thing is, it probably should be abandoned for so many reasons. For starters, I recorded something for a podcast and got another several actors to record something... and the podcast was just never released, despite the fact that the director insisted we needed to get it all done and recorded in like two days. Still no answer on what happened there and that was five months ago. 

But also because the director/owner has burned so many bridges. They burned a major bridge with me with the Clue casting, because they wanted to bring in new talent and threw previous cast members under the bus (but retained no one new because of how they were treated). They burned another major bridge when they closed down operations so abruptly, despite having a full season already planned. 

And all of that meant that not only were they losing people because cast members were ready to get back into in-person shows but also because cast members decided to put their attention to other things. For instance, I couldn’t apply for any shows currently because I don’t have a lot of days open in my schedule anymore because of gaming. But I might have kept more days open if there were options for virtual theatre that were going to be enjoyable experiences and also not cancelled out of nowhere. 

I miss virtual theatre a lot but my interest is definitely now more on the side of TTRPG stuff because I can get the acting experience without having to deal with all of the bullshit I was dealing with. I can actually get to lean into and play my character instead of being told where to look, what inflection to give, and what the meaning of the line is (even if that directly contradicts what’s in the script because the director literally hasn’t read the scene ahead of time or decides that he knows better than actual stage directions/lines written). 

I’ve just been staring at this “pity poor me” post about how the virtual theatre still isn’t working out and just reflecting on, “You could’ve had a good thing going.” Because I was committed. Several other actors and cast members were committed. But you kept not casting us, despite our commitment, and then you shuttered the doors, only to come crawling back seven months later to see if we’re still interested, as though we should have kept our schedules open for you when you didn’t have any openings for us.

And it makes me sad because I do miss acting but I also didn’t really enjoy my time with this company because of how badly things were managed and handled. I think there could have been a really wonderful thing going and I think especially for the 2022-2023 season, we were getting a lot of incredible guest directors that I would have loved to work with. 

What I really miss is my Shakespeare group but for now I suppose it’s time to just focus on my gaming world and devoting my energy and time to that. 

#this is called acting #I'm just feeling salty

[this-is-called-acting]

Feeling kinda salty (unsurprisingly because I’m always salty about this theatre company) to sign into Facebook and without any warning to see that the virtual theatre company I have been doing work with has suddenly ceased operations and announced that through a FB post. 

No emails to cast/crew involved in the shows that would happen after the closure date. No information about whether we are still filming this Monday or in upcoming months, for projects already cast and laid out and almost finalized in many cases. Just a FB announcement completely out of the blue that I’m 99.9% certain is because someone said something that the owner got upset with and rather than take the time to cool off, he just preemptively closed all operations.

That’s the part that pisses me off. Because I know that almost two and a half years ago now, when the director I adore realized he wasn’t in a place to do the show he’d just had auditions for, he took a week to explore options and then reached out by email to all of those of us who auditioned. It was heartbreaking (but also good because the pandemic happened, so we wouldn’t have gotten to do the show anyways and I can definitely say that if I were cast and two months in, I would have been devastated).

But in this case, the director/owner has multiple shows cast, multiple directors on the line to direct shows in the coming months, with some pieces, as noted, intending to film in the upcoming days after weeks of work. And while I can understand deciding to step back, it feels super unprofessional to find out that everything is over from a FB post of two sentences, which is already filled with comments about whether scheduled productions are still going to happen because absolutely no one was contacted. 

How do I know that it’s out of the blue? Well, just yesterday he posted a casting announcement for a replacement actor for one show and eight hours ago he commented affirmatively that he was still looking for someone to fill that spot. Just a few days prior, he posted all of the directing announcements for upcoming shows. 

But now, suddenly, the doors are shuttered without any warning and no information to anyone involved in the ongoing projects. 

I’m not surprised. I am disappointed. Not that it’s happening because, to be honest, I’m ready to turn my attention to other pursuits. But disappointed that it was handled that poorly. Because if he had decided that he couldn’t do this anymore, it could have been as simple as taking a few days to process, alerting those who were involved in upcoming projects, and then posting on FB after everyone who needed to be told had been told. It is 100% clear that he is doing this for attention and sympathy and because he is throwing a tantrum. Because he even shared the FB post on his personal FB and it’s already filled with care and heart reacts to show support.

While everyone involved in the ongoing projects is just like, “... what is happening? Are we still on for Monday? Are we filming later this month for another thing? What about this show? Am I still directing the show you hired me to direct?”

Ugh. This has been an irritating day and this is just the icing on the cake. 

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

Finished the play I was directing tonight.

One of our cast members no showed but in what I feel like is the worst possible scenario, came back on the scene an hour after the filming started and about 15 minutes after everyone was let go because he hadn’t responded in 45 minutes and there was no indication he would be present.

Ugh.

He’s going to have to just film his close-us himself.

#this is called acting #play: directing

[this-is-called-acting]

I’m just feeling really salty today. I feel like the cancelled rehearsal, combined with the presentations I was watching, really highlighted how much I have disliked this process. I’m tired of having no in-put into the characters. I’m tired of having directions constantly change. I’m having interpretations laid on the characters that don’t fit with the text. I’m tired of being rushed because time isn’t being given. 

This is a really powerful piece that we’re doing and I feel like the director is taking out 90% of what makes it powerful. It’s a play about a closeted gay man in the 1940′s who is struggling with being unfaithful to his spouse and who gets outed to his secretary, who it turns out is gay as well. It’s got some really beautiful, lovely moments, as well as some troubling parts to navigate (i.e., the whole being unfaithful piece) and I feel like all of those moments are being cheapened by the direction that we’re being given. 

I understand that in part this is because it is for a film-based audience and that obviously things play out differently on stage versus on screen but there are a lot of moments where the director is like, “make your gestures big” but they’re the wrong gesture or, honestly, don’t feel right for the moment. Like, I shouldn’t be gesturing wildly just to have movement in the scene during a quiet, introspective moment. 

I get that shows have fast turn arounds and I’ve certainly been in my fair share of shows that had shortened rehearsal periods and also blessed by ones that had much longer ones. But even Faustus had a shorter rehearsal time - I think we had the read through, one rehearsal on each scene I was in, and then one final tech run before the show went up, but at least we took our time for the rehearsals I had and every moment wasn’t micromanaged. Like, everyone got to try out different costumes based on aesthetics from the director and stuff like that and while we obviously got some notes, we were encouraged to find our characters. This director just says, “Here’s what your character does here. Not for any textual reason but because I say so.” 

I just miss having fun with getting to embody a character and I’m sure that shows through. Because it’s hard to settle in and be a closeted queer man cheating on his wife when every few lines I’m stopped and told to go back and do this one moment differently, only to be told to do it differently again when we run through that section. I can’t embody the character because I haven’t had a chance to embody the character because I’m always being taken in and out of the action and given different motivations at the whim of the director.

I’m just glad that the other play we’re doing is a lot more straightforward and to be honest my character is a cardboard cut-out, so it doesn’t matter. If I’m told to say a line in a way, I’ll say the line in the way, because I’m just a friendly townie who runs a store, even if behind my sunny demeanor, I’m actively plotting the downfall for the main characters. But that part doesn’t really need to come through because even the script specifies that the townies should never look intimidating or aggressive and should be nothing but friendly because that’s what makes the ending that much scarier.

So, at least that will be easier because I don’t have to have that character investment.

I just really miss digging into a Shakespeare role and getting to get to know and understand a character until their lines are the words I’m speaking and that’s so hard to do when we’re just focused on getting the show blocked and recorded and don’t care about anything like motivation or personality or anything like that.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

I also miss getting engaged in a character, like I talked about in my last post. I’m watching a training today that focuses on ways of utilizing theatre and it’s a reminder of how important it is to have time to have the actor to be a part of the process and to not have it rushed. Sometimes you need to do that, and I get that, but doing that because we’re disorganized doesn’t make it feel any better.

I honestly don’t know why I keep working with this director. He originally had us scheduled for 2 rehearsals and one time filming of a one-act; he then added in another rehearsal because we literally haven’t had a full run through or even gotten through the entire script for the most part. Except that he got COVID and had to cancel our rehearsal and is now like, “Yeah, let’s just film the whole thing the next time even though we haven’t had a chance to practice anything.” Even though the other people involved all expressed willingness to meet more than that to have that be the rehearsal time and then another day for filming.

So, now I don’t feel prepared at all. 

I also have a lot going on and so it’s hard to have the statement be, “We’ll figure out an extra day for filmingl if we need to” because I might no longer be available on those days/times.

Meanwhile, directing a much shorter and easier show for the same series, I’ve had 8-10 rehearsals to make sure that my cast feel like they’ve had the time they need with the characters and to feel prepared for filming.

He always says that it will be easy and straightforward but it never is.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

I honestly don’t know why I keep working with this director. He originally had us scheduled for 2 rehearsals and one time filming of a one-act; he then added in another rehearsal because we literally haven’t had a full run through or even gotten through the entire script for the most part. Except that he got COVID and had to cancel our rehearsal and is now like, “Yeah, let’s just film the whole thing the next time even though we haven’t had a chance to practice anything.” Even though the other people involved all expressed willingness to meet more than that to have that be the rehearsal time and then another day for filming.

So, now I don’t feel prepared at all. 

I also have a lot going on and so it’s hard to have the statement be, “We’ll figure out an extra day for filmingl if we need to” because I might no longer be available on those days/times.

Meanwhile, directing a much shorter and easier show for the same series, I’ve had 8-10 rehearsals to make sure that my cast feel like they’ve had the time they need with the characters and to feel prepared for filming.

He always says that it will be easy and straightforward but it never is.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

I made a realization today, while talking to one of my fellow acting friends, that the reason I’ve felt so little investment in recent projects is because the director just micromanages and assigns the direction, even at times where it contradicts the script. So, any character work that I do on my own is pointless because I’m going to go into it and be told, “You’re going to say the line in this way” even if there’s no textual reason to say it that way or my character’s motivation changes from moment to moment. 

Which is sad because usually I am making playlists and creating mood boards and such but I just can’t feel invested if we’re going to rehearse a show just 3 times and each time I’m going to be given different direction. It’s why I’ve been enjoying gaming recently because I have the space to get more invested in the characters.

I just miss spending months of preparation on characters, where I could get so invested and feel like I was contributing to the creation of the character as an actor. 

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

I’m currently in the midst of so many projects.

I’m directing a show.

I am in two one acts. 

I’ve auditioned for some audio drama/podcast work.

I’m in two ongoing streaming games.

#play: one acts #play: the summer people #play: directing

[this-is-called-acting]

me: *recording an audio audition and being unable to say my own name*

#this is called acting #voice acting

[this-is-called-acting]

Haha, I feel like I spoke too soon.

I got an email from the director asking me if I was still interested because my recent FB posts seemed to be saying that I was overwhelmed, and he was wondering if he should recast me.

Except that the first email about the show said that all we needed to do was respond to the survey of our time. Which I did. Immediately after receiving it, less than 10 minutes after, in fact.

So, uh, once again the director is clearly not checking his own stuff. It’s just like in Shawshank where he asked the same people for the same scenes over and over again, even though they had all emailed him the scenes multiple times before. In this case, he literally did not even check the survey he created to see if I’d responded before asking me if he should recast my role.

Also, y’know, he said we had until Sunday to respond... so, uh. Yeah. 

This isn’t feeling great.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

Doing more stuff in the theatre world. I’m currently directing my first play. It goes up in August, I believe. I’m also going to be in two shorter plays (with the director that can be stressful) - one is a 10 minute play, the other is a one act play. So, theatre stuff continues and that’s good. I hope that I can keep up with it, although there’s a possibility that virtual theatre won’t be around for much longer and I’m not ready to go back to live performances. But we’ll see. At least I should have shows through the summer and who knows what will become available in the Fall.

I’m also just ready for this pandemic to be over. I’ve seen other friends go back to normal life - whether it’s plays or film or travel - and I wish that I could follow suit.

I also threw my hat into the ring for a play with several trans characters. They’re recruiting both local and non-local actors, so I don’t feel very confident that I’ll be cast. It’s not like I have an agent or talent manager or am a union actor. I haven’t heard back and it is going to sting if I don’t even get an audition but at least I tried. In some ways, not getting an audition or a role would help since I won’t have to figure out how to navigate an in-person show during the pandemic. But I thought it was worth applying and at least seeing if I could get an audition.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

I’m feeling relieved that I’m not cast in the show I was looking forward to because the other show I’ve been doing with this director is a fucking mess. It was pitched as a staged reading of 65 plays with a cast of 14 actors, with no costumes or props, no virtual backgrounds, no memorization, just nice and easy. 

It has been the exact opposite. We were given a props and costumes list like two weeks into the process. We were given extensive blocking for each scene but told that we could still read from our scripts. Then, after our dress rehearsal on Tuesday, on Thursday we were told that we should be able to full-size our Zoom window and our scripts, so that we should either use dual monitors, have a second option (like a tablet), print out the scripts, or something else. All of which is super fun because 1) we don’t have any time to practice how it will flow with this change and 2) that fucks up our blocking when we’re supposed to be looking at the camera and now have to have our script somewhere else.

Also, y’know, it gave us less than 48 hours to make any changes, during which we all mostly would have lost at least 24 hours to work and sleep, let alone any other responsibilities.

The thing is, I’m usually pretty flexible. I’ve rolled with last minute changes in blocking. I’ve even rolled - with a bit more stress and frustration - with last minute changes in fight choreography because, y’know, that’s actually dangerous to not know. I’ve rolled with casting changes or having to improv because someone forgot a line.

And if this had been presented as a series of 65 plays that will be presented as fully staged plays, that would be different. Then I would have had time to prepare. I would have memorized lines. I would have done all of the stuff needed for that to work. But this is still being billed as a staged reading, even with all of these changes. 

Also, if all of these things were not enough, we 1) just got an email letting us know that we can use virtual backgrounds (when we’d been told from the beginning that backgrounds were supposed to be white and most of us are not using green screens) and 2) we’re supposed to be able to step in if anyone has technical difficulties, so even though I have my scenes printed out to place around in ways I can look at them, I’m also going to have to follow along so that just in case someone’s connection drops, I can read off their lines, with absolutely no preparation.

I’m having a great time. At least it’s just one night.

I think it’s just extra hard because 1) I wasn’t expecting this much shit to happen for something that was billed completely differently and 2) unlike the other shows I did with this director, this is live-streamed. So if these last minute changes don’t work well, the whole audience will see, rather than before where if things didn’t work, we could at least do a reshoot, and with no time to practice (because changes are continuing to be made even though we’re less than three hours away from go time).

I just don’t want to make a fool out of myself and I’m feeling a lot of stage fright because I feel so unprepared. I realized I hadn’t mentioned this but we’ve also had just 1 rehearsal on each scene (plus the dress rehearsal). So, it’s been made this complicated and we’ve barely had time to rehearse. 

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

So, turns out that literally no one who has been loyal, committed, and working tirelessly behind the scenes was cast in the show, with most not even being offered a role at all, even a minor character. It seems the director decided to throw out loyalty for “new blood” and while I can appreciate wanting to bring new people in and not cast the same people over and over again, it seems a little unfair to the people that were there when the company was about to shut down and kept things moving forward, with a focus on supporting this show happening in particularly, to just say, “Well, we had a high turnout and we want new people, so those of you who have stuck with us through thick and thin get to sit this show out, even though you’re the reason this show is happening.”

There’s also the fact that the director has alienated new blood to the point where that’s why it tends to be the same people working tirelessly to keep the company going. In fact, at the end of the last show we worked on, we were literally told, “You’d better all be auditioning for (the show he didn’t cast us in or gave us very minor roles in) because you all do such good work and you can work with my eccentric directing style and I know you’re committed.” 

... except that he cast none of us in main roles. I don’t know if others were offered minor roles but I know that one other person who had worked tirelessly to make this show happen and who had been pretty much dual-wielding with me to keep the company going when the owner/director was about to give up, didn’t get offered any role, even a minor one. What I do know is that I recognized one name from previous shows on the cast list (in a minor role) and literally every other role, even with there being less women who auditioned (for once), was a brand new person.

I’m definitely not for pre-casting and I don’t think that directors should go with the same people just to go with them. But 1) it also feels unfair to have put so much into making this show happen and then be dismissed, 2) that loyalty is not rewarded when there’s a shiny new toy, and 3) that we’re going to have another situation like the first show I worked with this director on, where he chose prominent people for the main roles and then damaged those relationships so badly that it literally backfired on him and the show lost significant money. Because that whole thing about us being able to work with his directing style? Is a big thing. There are very few actors and actresses willing to do that and when most get frustrated, they either quit (which ended our Christmas show) or they continue but put nothing into it, including promoting the show.

It also feels like this director comes to me and wants me in the show when no one else will do it but when it’s a role that I actually want, I’m tossed aside because now he has more people to chose from.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

So, I understand that theatre companies have to go with the person who is best for the part but after literally doing everything backstage that I could to support a virtual production of Clue (i.e., supporting the GoFundMe, working to raise support for the show, continuously collaborating with the director for ways to make it happen, being the person who championed it every step of the way for six months) and also being told by the director that he would cast me in a main role in the show because he’s seen my commitment to virtual shows and my work ethic, I was offered a two line role.

I understand that the male actor turnout was much higher than anticipated but I’m so fucking hurt. I’m also not surprised because I should have expected this from this person. But it just feels like I went above and beyond to make this show happen and now that it’s happening I’ve been offered a role that is basically nothing.

I kinda hope it bombs. I kinda hope it makes $0 back. Because I’m not going to support it. Maybe that’s bitchy of me but it just feels like my loyalty has been completely rejected. I’ve worked so hard to keep this theatre company going when the director/owner has repeatedly talked about giving up. I’ve found ways to make it keep going.

The best part? I get to interact with the director for the one act series that was supposed to be easy (i.e., a staged reading) and is now including props and green screens and costumes even though it’s a series of one-minute plays happening consecutively for an hour and we were assured that it would not include any of those elements. So, now I have to show up for the first reading tonight and act like everything is okay when I’m so hurt by this. 

Part of me wants to just be like, “I can’t do this” and cut this theatre company out of my life entirely but it’s the only game in town. So, eh? 

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

One of the theatre groups that I’m a part of has a weekly monologue posting and I worked on one for an upcoming week. It feels like one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever done. It’s meant to be easy and low stress and it wasn’t worked on in the way I would have done an audition monologue (with weeks and weeks of prep). But even knowing that it’s not meant to be perfect and just a time to practice and show off monologuing, I’m super nervous about whenever it drops, if it’s even selected (which I think it will be because the person who selects them sent me a message saying that it was a nicely done monologue). Because I worry about people seeing it and judging me because it’s a pretty famous monologue.

Maybe I should have taken more time in preparing - I don't know. But it was worth it to practice and put out something of myself into it.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

I think I’m just also sad because I miss my old director so much. He did such a great job creating a safe environment. Yes, he had boundaries - part of making a safe environment - but he was also kind and flexible and caring and would not have been passive-aggressive in these ways or make me constantly worry about whether I was on his good side or bad side. I personally put myself through the wringer constantly asking myself it I was doing a good enough job but he never made me feel that I was doing something wrong. 

I know there’s likely no chance of a show with him for another year or more because of the pandemic but I miss having a director that I trusted in those ways.

#this is called acting

[this-is-called-acting]

Ugh, the new director I’m working with continues to stress me out. When I’m on  their good side, things are great, but the second I do one thing they don’t like, I’m on their shit list. 

So, 3+ weeks ago, I signed up for an audition spot for a staged reading. I am going to note that the initial form stated that there would be 1-2 rehearsals at most and at the time I had 0 conflicts. In-between then and now, I had found out that the session 0 for a livestream I’m going to be a part of would be on a Wednesday - of which I had noted on the SurveyMonkey when asked about availability for scheduling the first read through where the director wanted everyone. I, admittedly, did not think to send an email, in large part thinking that he would schedule the rehearsals based on that SurveyMonkey, rather than the original conflict form.

He then sent out the rehearsal schedule, which is a lot more intense than previously agreed upon (multiple days, including weekends) and, of course, put like half of the shows I’m in on the one day I’m not available. He noted in the email that if anyone had a change in their availability, they should let him know ASAP, and I literally responded to the email within a few minutes.

I then got a series of passive-aggressive messages, including a screenshot of my initial form that showed no conflicts. Having been a stage manager, I can understand the frustration of scheduling, but it is also frustrating to me that 1) I did indicate that lack of availability on the SurveyMonkey poll and 2) I responded to a message that indicated that it was fine if we had a conflict, as long as we let the director know ASAP, which I did.

Again, this was meant to be a 1-2 rehearsal commitment and there are 4-5 Wednesdays that I have completely free (and other days offered on the SurveyMonkey too). It’s not as though he’d said that we needed to clear our calendar for this, in fact he repeatedly stated, “This is going to be easy, no stress, limited commitment.” I can literally do every other Wednesday with no problem; it’s just that he listed most of the shows I’m a part of on the one day I’m not available.

Again, I probably should have emailed him with that conflict when it came up. I just figured the SurveyMonkey response made that clear, so I didn’t think much about it. But it sucks because now it feels like things are tense between us.

I’m also just salty about the whole, “Hey, if you have a conflict, just let me know” and then the passive-aggressiveness when I did exactly as he’d asked. Especially because I’ve never done this with him before. Even when he changed our rehearsal dates/times/the scenes were were doing, I rolled with it. I literally did that through moving, when he decided that we’d film the show then, instead of live-streaming and/or recording it all together, and I suddenly had to have a space set up with absolutely no warning, when I was between two houses and painting for hours a day. Not to mention memorizing lines well over a month before the off-book date because now we weren’t just rehearsing, we were recording. This is the first time I’m saying, “Hey, I can’t do this specific day” with three weeks of warning. And it just sucks that I don’t even feel like I’m getting credit for all of those times I’ve been super flexible and committed when everyone else around me has bowed out or not shown up or been visibly frustrated or low energy.

#this is called acting