thinittowin

[thinittowin]

#depressing shit #self h@rm #988blr #styroblr #sh art #tw sh #shtumblr #self haarm #tw self destructive behavior #vent art #watercolour art

[thinittowin]

Might be coeliac

Have to eat gluten to get tested

Had to eat much more bc of this

Am now 70kg

I think most is water weight and bloat

Am not thriving

Pls help

I wanna die

#depressing shit #anorexik #ana breakfast #anamia #weightloss #ana trigger #ed recipes #tw selfhate

[thinittowin]

This account is 4 years old today

My ed is about 8 lol

God I wish I was done with this shit but it's only getting worse

I just want to finally be skinny and scarred

#depressing shit #anorexik #ana breakfast #weightloss #anamia #self h@rm #ed recipes #ana trigger #shtumblr

[thinittowin]

I want to cut and be pretty and bleed and take pills and vomit and burn and cry and die and just feel something

[thinittowin]

Im falling back in hard but i dont have the dedication anymore

Im barely eating in the day and then my bloods go low and then im boom bingeing

#depressing shit #anorexik #ana breakfast #self h@rm #ana trigger #weightloss #shtumblr #tw selfhate #tw ed things #ed not sheeren #edstruggles

[thinittowin]

ed changed presentation and I fucking hate it

There is like quite a large tw on this because idk what I'm gonna type yet but it's gonna be ranty and explain my different presentations in the past and present. There are dates for timelines but no mentions of weight (aside from title of highest, lowest, current)

Let's start with i am undiagnosed to the best of my knowledge (sometimes doctors here will diagnose you and not tell you). I have bounced between restrictive and overeating tendencies since I was about 12 (20 now) and it got super bad when I was 15. "Recovered" by myself (ie i weight restored after threats to be brought to a dietitian) but prior to this i was not eating much at all. I'm diabetic and would purposely make my blood sugar go low so I had an "excuse" to eat.

I've bounced moreso between over and under eating since aug of 2020. My highest weight made me so uncomfortable (Jan 2021), especially after being at a point where I was okay with how I looked. I would've liked to weigh less or be thinner but I wasn't overly unhappy.

Since Jan 2021, I've been struggling a lot more with thoughts of restriction but I can't seem to get to the same ability to restrict as lil 15 year old me. I know I shouldn't want to. I shouldn't need to. I just really want to get back to that weight. My body was fucked. I couldn't eat without my stomach hurting. I couldn't go to school without needing a three hour nap afterwards. I was so tired. My hair was falling out. My nails were so brittle that if I didn't bite them off, they'd bend and break. I was so pale. I was dizzy just standing up. But I was "skinny." I was "achieving" something. No-one noticed and if they did it was just my mam asking me did I want one scoop of potatoes or two. I had two other friends who were restricting at the time but none of us mentioned it to each other at the time. In my head we were in a silent competition. I wanted to "win" but they had a "head start" on me. I couldn't "win". I was the only one who had to be monitored regularly by doctors due to diabetes. I couldn't "win". It's fucked that a couple of 15 year old friends were competing to eat the least, but it's normal in an all girls school. You can pick out when someone's ed started, you can pick out when they recovered, if they did. Kids shouldn't have to go through that shit. Adults shouldn't go through that shit.

But with the new "trend" in bodies again I can't get over it. I wanna do it again. I wanna win. I'm an adult. With a job. I need to be responsible. I need to pay rent. I need to do my college work. I need to fucking survive but it's so hard. I've started overeating because I'm stressed and numb and depressed and Haribo fizzy jellies are the only things that make me able to think. With the sugar and the feeling on my tongue I'm either gonna not stop overeating or I'm gonna relapse into sh. At this point I want to relapse because it's easier. It's how I could win when I was younger. Things would be easier. Life would be straightforward. I'd think clearly I'd be able to control myself if I could control my pain.

This is very vague cos i crossposted from a forum but deal w it

#depressing shit #anorexik #edbllr #ana breakfast #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #pro rexy #tw self destructive behavior #not pro just using tags

[thinittowin]

Got hospitalised in a foreign language for diabetes

Felt like shit cos I couldn't eat for almost two whole days cos I was puking

They loaded me up on fluids and glucose and idek what but I was so so swollen and puffy that when they weighed me (at night, after eating) I was 69kgs, despite being like 64kg the week before. Freaked me to out but I didn't wanna spend more time on the ward so I ate my way out (was bad food tho so I didn't eat too much)

A day before I left, before the swelling was down I was 63.6kg which made me feel a lot better cos at least it's not 69, but I can't weigh myself and I need to. I feel out of control

#depressing shit #anorexik #edbllr #ana breakfast #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #pro rexy #tw self destructive behavior #not pro just using tags #i need help

[thinittowin]

Moved countries

Able to somewhat eat less

Cannot weigh myself

Feel like I lost weight

No idea

Wanna know

Hate not knowing

Girlfriend would not like me getting a scales

AHHHHHHHHH

#depressing shit #anorexik #edbllr #ana breakfast #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #pro rexy #tw self destructive behavior #notprojustaddingtags #help me

[thinittowin]

I can't weigh myself cos I'm travelling but it's taking my whole self control not to strip and body check in front of the mirror but I think I lost weight in my collarbones

#depressing shit #anorexik #edbllr #ana breakfast #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #pro rexy #tw self destructive behavior

[thinittowin]

i have an ed but my depression does not

[thinittowin]

Cannot lose it ffs

#depressing shit #anorexik #edbllr #ana breakfast #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #pro rexy #tw self destructive behavior

[thinittowin]

Lol ignore my last post this bitch is fat

In other words

Have been barely eating last few days

#depressing shit #anorexik #edbllr #ana breakfast #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #pro rexy #tw self destructive behavior #not pro just using tags

[thinittowin]

Had a seizure on Saturday

Think I'm done restricting

I need to not do this again

#depressing shit #anorexik #body chex #need to lose more weight #weightloss #rexiia #edbllr #ana breakfast #tw self destructive behavior #pro rexy #notprojustaddingtags #ana seizure

[thinittowin]

I keep getting the thoughts so bad but I can't stop binginggggggg

My gf was like 6lbs heavier than me for ages but she started meds that meant she lost loads of weight now she's 4lbs lighter i wanna kms

#depressing shit #anorexik #tw self destructive behavior #pro rexy #ana rules #weightloss #just ed stuff #rexiia #body chex #notprojustaddingtags #need to lose more weight #help me

[thinittowin]

Been very inactive lately my dudes and I am sorry about that.

Parents got a new scales that shows muscle mass, bone mass, BMI, body fat %, everything.

Current weight is 63.6kg/10st 0.2lbs/140lbs. Almost reached my goal weight 1 which is great, but still have so much to go

#depressing shit #tw eating stuff #ana food #anorexik #eating disoder thoughts #edbllr #ana breakfast #anamia #pro aana #anorecca #pro ana #notprojustaddingtags #i need to lose so much weight

[thinittowin]

At that stage where I need tips again cos I'm doing so shit at restricting. I've not lost weight in like 3 weeks and am bouncing between 65 and 64 kgs

#depressing shit #tw eating stuff #ana food #anorexik #eating disoder thoughts #edbllr #ana breakfast #anamia #pro aana #anorecca #notprojustaddingtags #ana tingz #ana trigger

[thinittowin]

Some girl messaged me on insta and was like no quick way to introduce myself but uhh mpa and now I'm sorta freaking out cos I'm like what if she knows me from there idk how tho I've never posted my room or face on anything and lol I'm freaking out

#depressing shit #tw eating stuff #ana food #anorexik #eating disoder thoughts #edbllr #ana breakfast #anamia #pro aana #anorecca #notprojustaddingtags #help me