when you least expect it, when you gave in, when you cried, when you thought no one knew, you were left with your strength and you made it through. so smile.
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The Age of Peace
The Age of Peace
Photo by Shiva Smyth on Pexels.com I hate to beat a dead horse, but I have to say it… I love being 30. I know a lot of people hate it and dread the TV trouped to death birthday, but I have no idea what they are talking about. Good riddance to the 20’s I say. I feel more like me than ever before. There is a trust and peace that has come from not having to be young all the time. I can just settle…
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What to Say In a World of Talkers
What to Say In a World of Talkers
Photo by Ann Nekr on Pexels.com To find one’s voice is an extraordinary task and even more extraordinary a gift. I believe it’s why I have struggled to write these past few months. The intense feeling of “I have nothing to say” and lack of courage to just admit that. It’s my truth. Something I very much prided myself on living in for many years, yet have come to realize was at best a half-truth.…
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Today I Am Grateful
Today I Am Grateful
Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com In the time of COVID I know I have given up on myself. I completely stopped my self-care. I was stressed out and alone. But that was so 2020. Today I write from a place of gratitude. A place I’ve truly been missing. Here I am finally in my 30th year at a weight I am excited about and it’s time. It’s time for me to stop living on autopilot and be present in…
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Choices, Choices, Choices
Life is full of choices. Right now the biggest choice for me is what comes next. I took some time off…unintentionally of course. I got tied up in the holiday madness trying to get the presents, enjoy celebrations, and attempting to make it special for the ones I love. Then I got excited just to see 2020 go. (It was a hell of a year). Shortly after I turned the big and dirty 30. After a while I…
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In Order to Survive
In Order to Survive
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com Iris: I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. – The Holiday One of my favorite romantic comedies won me over in the first line.  Iris of course played by the wonderful, Kate Winslet, ends her monologue talking about her place in the category of unrequited love. I have to say at the time, that’s what won me over. I have been in that…
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A 30 Year Love Letter...
A 30 Year Love Letter…
This past Monday my parents celebrated their 30-year wedding anniversary. (While I may be a few days late to the celebration – it’s really not about me and they did have a good time.) And in the spirit of thanksgiving, COVID, and the trap that is 2020, I have been doing lot of reflecting. To make it to thirty years in this day and age is a huge feat. Add the fact that my parents are still under…
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My Depression
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I refused to believe I am/was depressed. Not in a funny sense. I legit told my therapist when she said I had almost all of the symptoms, that I didn’t accept that it was depression. I couldn’t see how. Truth be told part of me still believes I can’t be depressed. “I have nothing to be depressed about”. Take a glance around. I have an apartment I love. I just bought a new vehicle that I love.…
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I Need A Mirror Love.
I Need A Mirror Love.
Photo by Tuur Tisseghem on Pexels.com
I do. In this stage in my life I would say that I have reached the maximum “independent woman” for now. I have a pretty successful career. I have taken the time to build a life that I enjoy. One where I have hobbies and things that bring me joy. I have friends, a dog, and am financially stable. Check. Check. Check. I am dealing with my trauma because that…
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I am not who i once was
It’s an easy enough sentence to write, but harder truth to face. The once driven, vibrant, take on the world young woman I was, with dreams and aspirations as wide as the days are long… is gone. Maybe not completely gone, but very much on vacation, and has been for quite some time. The other sad truth is that I miss her. Every single day. I miss the magic of working hard for something, of…
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Me and My Late Ass Friends
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First I must note, this is not an actual reflection on my friends. They are good people and I love them dearly. While frequently tardy, this isn’t about them. As with most things in my world it’s completely about me. Sorry to steal your shine guys…I’m sure you are heart broken.
As I am about to finish up this 25th year of my life I can look back and make some observations. As my friends know, reflection is a constant thing for me (look see there I made it a little about y’all too). But this issue of lateness, impatience, and friendship have been intertwining themes this year so I thought I should elaborate and explain how my late as friends sums it all up nicely.
The Lateness… My God. If it is one thing I cannot stand is lateness. The disrespect. The waiting, followed by the weird little things I have to do to look like I’m ok when what I really want is just not there and people are looking at me like “awe your friends aren’t here yet?” or the implicit attitude of “why is this person alone”, “this looks like there is supposed to be someone there.”
The common scenario… I arrive to a restaurant and ask for a table for two. Why? Because my friend is coming to join me and I figured why not get a glass of water and look over the menu? So I sit, alone in a booth. The waiter/waitress comes and says “are you expecting someone?” I reply yes. Then I assume the position. Looking at my phone. Looking at my menu. Phone again. Menu again. Acting as if this is normal. “It’s ok world” I planned to be here alone for 20 minutes doing nothing but pretending this is ok. Which, pause for the cause, I have no problem dining alone. I frequently do it. But those are PLANNED, I’m ready and prepared to be alone in those instances. Back to the waiting.
I find myself waiting so often that it is painful. Not the long line at the store waiting. I do that a lot to, like everyone else. But longing. If I’m being honest the two most important things I want in my life, I long for on a daily basis. I’m single and most days I’m neutral about it. But those other days…let me tell you. I feel like I’m in the longest line of life. Waiting and waiting with no potential end in sight because it may never even happen. The other thing is my career. Crazy as it is at 25 I’m already 5 years into a career. Great news, I’ve been very blessed in this area. Yet, I frequently find myself longing for the day when I can be well established.
The main point is, as of late I find myself struggling with my timeline. I promise you if I could most days I would speed through my life to the point where I have the kids (potentially), the marriage, stability, home, vacation days, and the corner office. I wanna get to the goods. I want the love and the peace. And that longing is what I am reminded of in that brief 20 minutes waiting on my friends. They are my love. They are my piece. And I just want them to hurry up and get here.
This is a test… One I did not ask for. Why can’t things just go the way I planned them? Why Black Jesus? I know this is a part of life. But I swear this year has been the definition of “why can’t things just go right?” It’s been a lesson in flexibility. I learned I can bend. I forgot I can adapt. I always have this deep fear that I’m never as strong as I think I am. Somehow I get emotional amnesia. If I can survive abandonment, loneliness, criticism, hatred, and unrequited love. I think I can handle a shift in plans. While I wait… I need to remember who I am. (*Message*)
But it’s not that big a deal… Everyone is late sometimes. I get it. So when my friends do come I am forced with the fact that I must get over it. I won’t ruin our time together because they were a little late (even though the petty in me would like to). This poses another big debate of this year for me. Acceptance… at what cost?
I struggle with this one a hell of a lot. As a serial judgey lady (yea I said it, I can stand in my truth), acceptance is super hard. How do I just magically overlook everything that aggravates me or I just don’t understand? This is a life thing and a me thing. Do I just accept everything? Where do I draw the line? I can’t possibly just let any and everything go, but people deserve to be themselves. I love my friends. I love myself. I love life. In order to move on and be the person I want to become, I have to learn how to accept. I have to make enough room to just let it be. So in 2016 I’ve just let it be (or at least tried by best to). This election. The foolishness that has come out from people I know because of it. The motions of my life and revolving around the motions of those around me. I can’t bare it all. At some point I have to allow it to pass through like osmosis. There has to be a screen where I can only accept what I need and everything else… well it will have to continue to be everything else, somewhere else. I will see it, note it, and let it be. Everything does not need to be a huge situation. Because if everything is a huge situation nothing really is.
SO… I will carry on with my late ass friends. I will love them. I will continue to meet them, while setting myself to arrive later in preparation. I will bend. If it still doesn’t work out. I will let it be. I think it’s time we all got a break anyways. Life is hard enough. As for the rest. Well… I don’t have any answers. I’m just 25 remember?
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See more advice from your favorite cartoons including "Frozen,“ "Hey Arnold!,” “Phineas and Ferb,” “Rugrats” and “The Lion King.”
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Books A Million :)
I am a lover of the written word. As of late I have been seriously behind in sharing my thoughts on what I have been reading and experiencing. Last week I listened to "What I Know for Sure" by Oprah. It was a good book for those who want to get grounded. It's one of those journey books that can help you shape your life if you need some of her advice. I enjoyed it. Yesterday I finished listening to "The Four Agreements". This was a very interesting book. I will say there are a few things I don't necessarily agree with. But I admire the logic. I think it is great if you are on a journey like myself. To be fair I am coming from reading thing like "The Alchemist" "Life of Pi" and even books like Tina Fey's "Bossy Pants". I have been reading a lot of things that inspire or portray growth. I am currently reading Amy Poehler's "Yes, Please". So far I am really enjoying it. But hopefully I will finish soon and have a review. Until then...
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You need to watch this full video.
(Video originally by Benjamin Hancock)
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Forever Grateful
I'm thankful for the women in my life. Growing up I was the girl who had FEW female friends. Few is probably the wrong word because that implies a multiple of some sort, and truly the number of those I consider friends was not enough to to multiply. I had many "male friends" and while they served their purpose of the moment, which was to basically get me through the time, they wouldn't and couldn't last for various obvious reasons. But as I am growing older I realized it is the women friends that are my current definition of friendship. All on various stages of life in different cities across the country and still a big influence. There is truly nothing like having someone to laugh, cry, joke, and throw a bit of shade with. The women who have been in my life past and present all played the crucial role and for that I am thankful. Witnessing their growth and growing up myself, alongside and from a distance with the few I have and continue to call my peers, brings my heart joy. So for them today I am grateful.
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Whilst going along my day I took a trip down memory lane and this is the result...I saw my fifth grade teacher one time a few years after I had left her class. She said "yeah I remember you. You were VERY sure of yourself 😒." I remember that moment so vividly from time to time and there is a good reason. As Tierra Marie would say, 'let me put ten on 20.' because one thing you won't do is ever make me feel bad about knowing I'm worth a whole lot of something, especially when I work hard and continuously surpass expectations. I have never been one to doubt my future. And your hate or thinking I am full of myself because you are used to people who can't even spell potential won't ever steal the wind from my sails. So back that ass up.
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I was actually searching for a photo for a totally different subject I wanted to write about when this happened. This whole week I have been going back and forth about saying anything about the obvious misogyny in our society. I really try not to comment on things “everyone” is talking about at the moment. I really despise the idea of being a ban wagoner. However, when I did a simple image search for a photo of a young black female businesswoman and these “related topics” popped up on the side I could no longer hide my dismay.
The truth is, I am tired. I am so so so so tired of having to pretend that I am ok with turning a blind eye to the many ways I constantly excuse or down play the behaviors of men because “boys will be boys”. When I was younger I was taught to delicately placate an aggressive man who makes an advance at me because flat out denial angers some and that it could easily become a dangerous situation. I must have kiddy gloves in order to get around my everyday life. This whole notion baffles me.
The real reality of my life is that I have been followed out of stores, followed in stores, picked up physically (someone really started to walk away with me in their arms), and not to mention the random yells from across the street. These situations scared me. Yet as a young woman have to act gently around these people who cannot find the self-control to do the same. Our society constantly reminds us that men have the upper hand. We have the sex. They want the sex. So yes of course they can act a little crazy or disrespectful because we have what they want.
100% wrong! To even imply that I somehow deserve to be undermined and harassed simply because I have something you want is asinine. It would be wrong if I yelled after you and followed you down the street because you have a nice watch. Then you had to placate my intentions because “people want watches”. There is no excuse. There is no reason that I have to constantly lie and say I have a boyfriend because my outright denial is not a good enough reason to leave me alone. There is really no reason that when looking for a photo of a young black female businesswoman things immediately related should be naked women by ethnicity.
What a society.
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Comedy bit of the week. Enjoy all :)
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Heart thought for this week
As much as I would love to claim I am interested in you. I must admit I am far more interested in me.
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For my readers 😊
The Classics
Browse works by Mark Twain, Joseph Conrad and other famous authors here.
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The Online Books Page: The University of Pennsylvania hosts this book search and database.
Project Gutenberg: This famous site has over 27,000 free books online.
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Classic Book Library: Genres here include historical fiction, history, science fiction, mystery, romance and children’s literature, but they’re all classics.
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The Spectator Project: Montclair State University’s project features full-text, online versions of The Spectator and The Tatler.
Bibliomania: This site has more than 2,000 classic texts, plus study guides and reference books.
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Math and Science
Turn to this list to find books about math, science, engineering and technology.
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Children’s Books
Even children’s books are now available online. Find illustrated books, chapter books and more.
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Philosophy and Religion
For books about philosophy and religion, check out these websites.
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From Shakespeare to George Bernard Shaw to more contemporary playwrights, visit these sites.
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The Complete Works of William Shakespeare: MIT has made available all of Shakespeare’s comedies, tragedies, and histories.
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Modern Fiction, Fantasy and Romance
These websites boast collections of graphic novels, romance novels, fantasy books and more.
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John T. Cullen: Read short stories from John T. Cullen here.
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Foreign Language
For books in a foreign language like French, Spanish and even Romanian, look here.
Project Laurens Jz Coster: Find Dutch literature here.
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KEIMENA: This page is entirely in Greek, but if you’re looking for modern Greek literature, this is the place to access books online.
Proyecto Cervantes: Texas A&M’s Proyecto Cervantes has cataloged Cervantes’ work online.
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History and Culture
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Rare Books
Look for rare books online here.
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Arts and Entertainment
This list features books about celebrities, movies, fashion and more.
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These poetry sites have works by Emily Dickinson, Edgar Allan Poe and others.
The Literature Network: This site features forums, a copy of The King James Bible, and over 3,000 short stories and poems.
Poetry: This list includes “The Raven,” “O Captain! My Captain!” and “The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde.”
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Famous Poetry Online: Read limericks, love poetry, and poems by Robert Browning, Emily Dickinson, John Donne, Lord Byron and others.
Google Poetry: Google Books has a large selection of poetry, fromThe Canterbury Tales to Beowulf to Walt Whitman.
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For even more free book sites, check out this list.
Banned Books: Here you can follow links of banned books to their full text online.
World eBook Library: This monstrous collection includes classics, encyclopedias, children’s books and a lot more.
DailyLit: DailyLit has everything from Moby Dick to the more recent phenomenon, Skinny Bitch.
A Celebration of Women Writers: The University of Pennsylvania’s page for women writers includes Newbery winners.
Free Online Novels: These novels are fully online and range from romance to religious fiction to historical fiction.
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Authorama: Books here are pulled from Google Books and more. You’ll find history books, novels and more.
Prize-winning books online: Use this directory to connect to full-text copies of Newbery winners, Nobel Prize winners and Pulitzer winners.
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