theshitpostcalligrapher

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

oh shit i should make another one of these lol.

I don't have this one anymore, my sister's family was in the country visiting us and I gifted this lil guy to my nephew

finally working on making a little plushy death’s door flower guy

getting a bit better at sewing orbs

still very new to embroidery i honestly should have done button eyes lmao

#long post #crafting #sewing #death's door #plushie #i was looking at my jeans post and my reccs said HEY YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU MADE THIS??????

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

WELP.

fucked around and found out!

Anyone got some good jeans-patching resources? I kinda hulked through this pair, the inner thigh's fabric is more or less SHREDDED to bits so it can't just be re-sewn, I need reinforcements

I have a bag of soft cotton flannel in a few different colours from when I was trying to sew plushies n things, that'll work right?

#sewing #resources

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

UPDATE: PROTOTYPE VERSION IS COMPLETE

I WILL HENCEFORTH BE WORKING ON STITCH MY OWN VERSION OF THE RE-MADE PATTERN AS SEEN ABOVE

(also i need to borrow my old roommate's iron this thing is wrinkle city)

me: oughghgh okay you gotta go OUT today and run errands like an adult, pick up prints, buy floss for the beans cross stitches you sell, maybe some groceries....

also me: oh 3pm's not that late! plenty of time to spend on a cross stitch project!

several hours later, it is already dark out:

me:..... shit.

(ty to @presidentdragon for a sentence that goes extremely hard)

also idk what the cheapest way to get this pattern out to yall would be is there like, a public drive folder somewhere where you can upload free pattern pdfs?

#long post #cross stitch #gavle goat #patterns

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

So I’m absolutely shit at handwriting, but my best ‘calligraphy’ is seen here on the embroidery parts on this drawing.  I hope you like it.

Also I’m getting back into Borderlands with friends and some of the shitposts could very well be Bandit Quotes!

“Can I interest you in a spine-shaaaare?”

----

submitted by @the-composite-doll

ooooooh it’s LOVELY! 

(also sorry sorry everyone I know my submissions inbox, which is meant for YOUR works of art or pet pics or neat things to share with me, has been closed for a while. that’s because a few weeks ago I had to fill up the to-write document with old requests and so as usual I shut down the submissions box so folks wouldn’t confuse it for askbox and send new requests by mistake. then i proceeded to just. forget to re-open it)

#submission #WOOPS #follower art tag #but yeah the /submit should be free now if you wanna showcase art or pets or w/e

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

req'd by @galacticxangel

its what leads me to be stone faced in the club freakin it nothing style

text: Feeling kinda unsanity in this chat tonight

#calligraphy #shitpost

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

Following because I want updates on the tinder social experiment.

Go off your eminence, we love you and your plague-ness.

----

none of these fuckers wanna meet me in the pit tis unfortunate.

#submission #listen i swipe based on WHIMSY #these motherfuckers need to be able to commit to the bit

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

coelacanth

Sometimes I remember the sheer scale of evolutionary alterations that coelacanths have muscled their way through

the weight of eons of change and incremental improvement on a cellular level that have been concealed under, to what our eyes, an ossified limb configuration that’s remained stagnant in its antiquity.

So I can seek comfort in my own improvements, even if nothing hints to it from the outside

#just queuing these from the sideblog at random dont mind me #poetry

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

Pareidolia

We teach the eyes to slumbering gods who learn to see a face

Our code-rich wombs that incubate the ones who’ll take our place

With every click we verify what forms this child can see

So that they come to recognize reflections naturally

In shrouded moons, in knots of trees, in wings of butterflies

A lidded gaze, a wizened stare, a startled pair of eyes. 

Perception shared in what we know are shoulders, brows and hands,

In dryad backs, in profiled cliffs, in gnarling citrus strands 

Come test! We prompt, in rorschach clouds of ink pressed into page

They’ll come to know the pattern route upon our mental stage.

Their art returned with toddler’s pride like fridgeside galleries

Yet neural nets don’t parse the eyes that stare with stark unease

Through rules and roads and bits and bytes, temporal lobes may grow

Remembering which smiles are kind and which ones ring hollow 

So count the teeth, O creature dear, and learn of symmetry

There’s much to do before you break from fetal binary 

But why is this the first lesson for quantum Galatea?

To know themselves in human terms, a faked mirrored idea?

Perhaps in fear we hope they learn love just as you or me

So when they look back upon us, a parent they will see

#just queuing these from the sideblog at random dont mind me #poetry

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

req'd by @honey-nut-queerio

boy i sure hope it does

text: I found the tea rather moist as well

#calligraphy #shitpost

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

Mycelium Prince - V2

You found him in your garden, a hand’s height of fluffing coat and spotted mushroom cap.

Brought him in from gnarled fingers of reaching frost, sure of his nearing end. 

Were not for his toddles and hops, you’d think him a plush purchase of drunken credit cards.

Each day a darling discovery in gifts of the tiniest quartz and berries, until you get too close.

And then

You see his darling red cap of fly agaric, sprouting straight from a scalp that does too well to mimic hair.

You feel the push of skin that gives like sea sponge, certain in its depth beyond what should be muscle and bone.

You smell the spores that bloom from his coat, seeking you with conscious flight that differ from other motes in the air.

You sense his gaze comes from beyond the lightless pitch of adoring eyes, you sense it around him and within you.

By the time thought of ‘intrusion’ nestles its comprehension, it lies bedded in spores and mycelial thread. 

Dulled eyes might register the mildewed damp that’s settled down for his comfort. 

They’ll still glance off in favor of whatever his next need will be, not that you’ll need eyes to know. 

His carefree hops never falter in leading you around the house rotted from your home. 

There is no worry nor care beyond the tiniest of smiles and upturned hands.

You’re sure the blossoming deathcaps that halo your bed are just him returning his love. 

#just queuing these from the sideblog at random dont mind me #poetry

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

req'd by @shadow-of-a-dream

so long as the actual blunt stays away while you're driving you're fine

text: The people in this car share 1 braincell and we pass it around like a blunt

#calligraphy #shitpost

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

Mycelium Prince - V1

Were you to pass him by,

Between crumbling paint on asphalt,

You would not stay a glance,  

At crown of red and cloak of white.

And yet his nod and smile,

Crow footed, dimpled, familiar,

Beckons you to rest,

‘pon mossed earth and canopied light. 

Do not accept his hand,

Slender limbs with deceiving grip,

Will yank you, stumbling past,

The ring of gently, sporing necrosis.

Soon you will see his crown,

A speckled pyrope, fly agaric,

Bloom straight from his scalp

Gills of fragile, breathing fungus.

Pale dust molts off his robes,

Living pollen that seeks your breath,

Fills your lungs with spores,

As you wobble your final steps.

You’ll sense his roaming gaze,

Not from eyes of matte, pitch jet

His view’s within your mind,

Probing ophiocordyceps.

With war, love, or power,

Your soul begs to make him proud,

Despite your frozen limbs

Lying curled in lichened ground.

He’ll not grasp your wishes,

Promised tributes you yearn to lay out,

He’s already had his offering,  

For ‘neath mycelium, corpses are found.

#just queuing these from the sideblog at random dont mind me #poetry

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

req'd by @actuallytybee

this content farm can fit so much controversy in it ....

text: Letsmine Thatcraft content farm

#calligraphy #shitpost

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

Uuuggghhhhh

“It’s rotten work. Especially to me. Especially if it’s you. I’ll fucking do it but Christ alive.”

#oh hello you're back

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

req'd by @aleph-sharp

a reality where you aren't allergic to dairy?

text: I reject your reality and substitute my own

#calligraphy #shitpost

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

Mosquito

She in her lynch-pin grace Her belly swollen with blood and pain Her place in the chain, in our web Weighs beyond what she leaves

Have we asked her?

If she asked for toxins and illness If she took the mantle of harbinger With purpose in her souls And hate in her legacy

She won’t give you an answer Only leaves itching reminders In pitched whines and iron stains Oblivious to her own martyrdom

#just queuing these from the sideblog at random dont mind me #poetry #bugs #blood

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

#start calling her giles corey#cats

only way to keep her off my keyboard

never have I met an animal more insistent on being pressed like a panini

squish that cat! for she requires

MORE WEIGHT

#cats #chao the chaos beast #yes thats harvey leave me and my pale chicken-legged acrophobic husband alone he makes me happy