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On Meaning and Mattering
On Meaning and Mattering
From the pieces. From the remnants.
From the quick glances and the hurried conversations.
The moments when it feels like time is running out.
The moments when you question if any of it matters anyway.
Mattering is what we’re in search of. We might say it’s meaning, but really, we want to know that we mattered.
We want to know that the life we chose was right all along.
We want to know that…
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#advice#Anxiety#Depression#life#mattering#meaning#Mental health#mental illness#Poetry#search for meaning
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What if this is all there is
What if this is all there is
There’s something about the holidays this year…
I’ve never felt more aware of the cracks in my life than I have on each one.
The pain…the shattered memories…the longing…the regret…
Wishing things could be different, but knowing that they won’t.
Not just feeling alone but actually being alone
Thoughts pushed together…
Trying to make sense of some of it,
Since all of it is just slipping…
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Holiday Should be Lonliday
Holiday Should be Lonliday
Holidays are anything but holy.
The pretense…the pomp…circumstance…
Really, the holidays only remind me how lonely things really are.
How alien it all feels.
The laughter is haunting.
The only way to comfort is really going all in on what you’re feeling…
If you’re going to be lonely, might as well sit on the floor, in the darkness, drowning out the silence of it all.
You might as well…
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Goodbye
It’s really hard not to re-write history.
But, you were never the person I needed you to be.
I used to think I liked you and loved you.
But now I know I actually don’t like you, and probably never did.
I coped by imaging a future where you were different.
One day, you’d realize. One day, you’d apologize.
But now I know, you’ve never been sorry a day in your life.
You’re the center of your…
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The Impossibility of Trust
The Impossibility of Trust
What’s real anyway?
When everything passes through a filter, how can you ever know?
The world requires a lot of trust.
Trust in people, trust in yourself.
But what if you don’t know how to trust?
The only thing you firmly believe is that people are unreliable.
People can change their minds.
Everything always feels like a lie, or at best a half-truth.
What’s the incentive to trust…
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People aren't video games
People aren’t video games
Am I surprised? No.
You lacked commitment from the start.
Nothing seems to matter to you.
Lie, after lie, after lie.
Don’t you get tired of letting people down?
I guess not, huh?
It’s actually what feeds you.
You like keeping people on the edge.
Telling them to jump when it’s convenient for you.
Choosing not to engage when you’re just not feeling it.
People aren’t video games.
You…
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On the Edge
You’re so close to falling over, diving into the abyss.
It feels like standing still is no longer an option.
You have to do something, anything.
But, you’re afraid.
It’s impossible to know what’s on the other side.
You know here isn’t where you want to be.
But you also don’t know where you want to go.
So you stand there, looking over the edge.
Hoping that someone, or something will give…
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You're so predictable
You’re so predictable
It’s actually really comical how predictable you are.
Especially when you continue to insist that you’re complicated.
You’re not complicated.
Each one of you thinking you’re unique when really your bullshit’s all the same.
You just want to justify being selfish.
Because you’ve struggled, you think it’s okay to treat people any way you want.
You think it’s okay to lead people on, and rip…
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"What if you're not broken?"
“What if you’re not broken?”
I once believed that I needed someone to save me. First a best friend. Then a boyfriend. Then my therapist. But, it never worked. Eventually I came across a quote that said: “you need to save yourself because no one is coming.” Aha…I thought. I just have to be on own hero and save myself. I read books, journaled, meditated, did yoga, ran, lit candles, used essential oils.
Nothing. I dug deep…
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#Anxiety#Depression#Eating disorders#Mental health#perfectionism#reflection#self love#social justice
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Everything that Remains
Sleepless nights, zombie days. Fear of the unknown, fear of the same. Don’t know when to hold on, and when to let go. Time that was moving so fast, is now moving so slow. You grasp for what control you have left. It slips through your hands, until it’s gone. Then you realize, reality isn’t real.There is so much all at once, you don’t know what to feel.So you stare at the ceiling, Waiting for your…
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Melting Snow: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves
Melting Snow: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves
Snow is breathe-taking when its new,It has no care at all, really.Not about which direction it sways,Nor where it will eventually land. It just falls. Free of expectation,Free of pain,Free of hurt. The type of snow that’s created for snow angels.Then it hardens a bit. Days of soft snow angels,Turns into nights of snowball fights. It feels wrong, but it excites you. It’s easy to be swept up by the…
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Dancing Fire
I love the way fire dances.
Without abandon,
Changing directions,
Picking up and slowing down.
It resists being contained.
It refuses to go quietly.
It keeps burning long after others are done watching.
For its own sake.
So, let your fire burn.
Let your fire dance.
Set your fire free.
-Rule
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Your Thoughts are a Dangerous Place to Be
If you stop numbing long enough, you can hear your thoughts.
You can hear the incessant criticism, the urge to repeat the same patterns.
The same destructive thoughts that got you where you are in the first place.
You notice the thoughts…
‘This will never end’‘I’ll always be depressed’‘They don’t care about me’‘My anxiety is my fault’‘I’m worthless’
You’ve been here before and you’re trying…
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Broken
I only want love if it’s real.
I only want love if it’s true.
Not the fake fairytale bullshit you put me through.
You lied about who you are.
Taking make-believe too far.
Screwing with my head and heart.
And now I’m left broken.
When you break…
Sometimes it takes your body a long to register the pain.
You romanticize the good times, the bad times, and everything in between.
You so badly…
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The Lies We Tell Ourselves
What of the voice inside your head is an unreliable narrator?
You feel like you’re in control.
You think you can tell up from down and right from wrong.
But really, can you?
Can you trust what you think to be true?
Should you trust what you feel to be real?
How can you ever know?
– Rule
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To live is to be heartbroken
Heartbreak isn’t a figure of speech.
It’s a literal ache,
A literal break.
A break in time.
A break of mind.
The pain is one you have to feel to fathom.
It rips a part every piece of you and sets it on fire,
Burning, hot and fast then smoldering,
Slowly, to try to suffocate you,
To take the life out of you.
To take all of you with it.
But, it doesn’t take…
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Your Fire is Begging to Burn
Be… bold.
Seek… adventure.
Take… chances.
Inhale… courage.
Be… brave
Seek… connection.
Take… risks.
Inhale… change.
You can’t hide anymore.
-Rule
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