the-tzimisce

[the-tzimisce]

Want to know something irresistibly sexy about me? I have to sleep every night now with one of those sticky strips that holds your nostrils open

[the-tzimisce]

3 seconds into dungeon meshi and they’re already living my dream. i love eating things I ought not in unfamiliar ecosystems

[the-tzimisce]

#im gonna tell you something that will make me seem so old #whenever i picture A Computer Interface in my head it's 1998 to me. somewhere inside i never realized it changed

[the-tzimisce]

I feel like "valorize enduring torment" is like, the only place I hit on the tech tree, and then I just stopped and applied it to every single problem indiscriminately. maybe I should try developing some other techs

#a new branch even #the forge/lantern one instead of the winter/edge one

[the-tzimisce]

[the-tzimisce]

I do feel that not being able to hear anything (and its corollary being able to hear too much of shit I don't want to, which is the smaller problem now that I've reached "valorize enduring torment" on the tech tree but the larger when i was little), and only that, is actually for whatever reason intrinsic to me, like I was getting in trouble at assemblies for freaking out the instant I entered kindergarten, it's the whole start to winding up pathologized enough to develop seventy-seven other emotional complexes that determined the course of my life, at this point I have rested for so long on a strategy of never admitting a single variation from the human mean lest it become a thread that structural brain difference enjoyers get their hands on and pull to unravel the whole (concept of a sense of self beyond that assigned by medical authority) but honestly who the fuck cares why I can't hear you. Who give a shit. If you want to call it a "symptom" that I'm like, quiet, or I sing along to a song on repeat while I cook, or that I latch onto the specific blorbos I do, no you may not, that's called my personality and you'll never take me alive, but not being able to fucking hear you isn't something that inheres in the ineffable core of my spirit, it's a fucking nuisance, medicalize and essentialize it all the fuck you want. However I do conceive of a more perfect and truer me that's the same but I can fucking hear you, and I would do basically anything to get rid of it, just so we're clear on that

[the-tzimisce]

Oh but that would be super obvious! That would make you look like a weirdo! Here's the thing. Not looking like a freak is absolutely vital in social situations so long as I functionally am a freak. I'm white-knuckling my way through every single situation spending 105% of my capacity perceiving my surroundings and trying to squeeze out an extra couple percent with which to do the whole thinking, responding, emoting, empathizing, etc, every single part of the social interaction that involves input on my part. If people start perceiving me as incapable they start gatekeeping me out of participating even to the extent that can - oh, in all good faith and maybe calling it "accommodations" or whatever, but it's not like I get to opt out and the effect of continually increasing isolation is the same for me as if I were being excluded by Prejudiced Bad People. And it's not like I can really counter that perception, I reject the specifics of what people assume about me in every possible sense, but I am in practice marginally capable, because, I can't tell what the fuck is going on. So yes it's absolutely vital that I appear totally normal and cool. I mean I've completely fucked this up, I've always been terrible at it and I'm typing it now bc it's pretty much entirely a lost cause but that was the plan. If however I have two spare brain cells to rub together to just be fun and cool then, like, I'm fun and cool? Weakness requires strategy while strength speaks for itself. like feel free to throw eggs at me for the regressive political views implied by the specifics of my self-loathing but I am ashamed on a fundamental, and frankly ego-syntonic level, of actually, functionally, being incapable; not of the suggestion that if I were stranded by the roadside naked as a worm that I could have been. If by some kludge I escape the bounds of fate to participate in human society the way I absolutely was never supposed to that's frankly to my credit. Nobody worth your time doesn't want to hang out with you because you're cool and interesting but you wear something all the time that looks stupid; very many normal and reasonable people don't want to hang out with you because you're like, cool in theory and they do care about your happiness but actually managing to interact with you is constantly such a bummer and a huge amount of effort and frankly you don't even seem like you're having much fun because of how much effort it constantly is. This is not, like, "fair," but not in the sense of an injustice imposed, it's just facts, that happen to suck. Anyway they won't let me do this, and for all I know there actually is a reason, so it's whatever anyway

ok so if we have headphones with active noise canceling, and we have microphones that pick up in one direction, and we can also set those microphones to preferentially pick up different volumes or frequencies such that they can at least to some extent select for, say, a human voice from close by as opposed to background noise...why can't I just stack all this shit on a headset and wear it everywhere? why do you go to the ENT and they offer you, like, CBT classes where they make you listen to speech in noise and instruct you to just believe you can understand it? like is there a reason we don't do this or just a bias that problems caused by being a freak should be resolved within the freak? I mean I'm sure wearable high-end audio equipment is very expensive, but the value of the capacity to act is arbitrarily high, so.

[the-tzimisce]

ok so if we have headphones with active noise canceling, and we have microphones that pick up in one direction, and we can also set those microphones to preferentially pick up different volumes or frequencies such that they can at least to some extent select for, say, a human voice from close by as opposed to background noise...why can't I just stack all this shit on a headset and wear it everywhere? why do you go to the ENT and they offer you, like, CBT classes where they make you listen to speech in noise and instruct you to just believe you can understand it? like is there a reason we don't do this or just a bias that problems caused by being a freak should be resolved within the freak? I mean I'm sure wearable high-end audio equipment is very expensive, but the value of the capacity to act is arbitrarily high, so.

#btw the classes are also not very cheap. and they are not more helpful than just forcing yourself to spend time in loud bars #which does 'help' over time strictly at deciphering words but i'm spending so much attention on that i can't participate in the conversatio

[the-tzimisce]

I really do not have to keep coming back to being transed by an LSD trip. like the trip did happen but it was clearly on my mind already and detransitioners trying again is statistically common (even if they mostly don't take ten years). however it makes exactly the right people so so so mad so I do not plan ever to drop it

#all the stuff about the absolute opposing forces shattering my bones etc did happen and was inextricable from the gender part #to the extent that it's all kind of inextricable bc connecting everything is like. the main function of lsd #the right people includes both transphobes and gatekeeping trans guys ftr. its so funny. you can throw it like a bone & they chase like dog

[the-tzimisce]

I honestly expected being ugly in the LSD trip that transed me to give me more of a mental health advantage in what I knew was about to be a shitshow bad enough I already gave up once. unfortunately I apparently am the wrong kind of ugly

#i got a couple freebies out of it like surgical scars and not caring if i get bald #it did not make me feel better about having the voice and physique of a eunuch. somehow i got LESS greebled

[the-tzimisce]

honestly at this point I feel better about my singing voice than speaking. like I am neither a skilled singer nor is my voice pleasant but that's perfectly legal, "it came free with your humanity" or whatever. I have heard my father and my grandfather sing prayers on holidays and I am carrying on a venerable tradition of sounding like shit. when I talk I am simultaneously a woman having a rough time with early menopause and a little girl who deserved to get herself sent to sped school for somehow being flat affect and overenthusiastic at the same time

#i was on t for a year the first go and had absolutely zero voice trouble as a cis woman again. it was like the opposite of tboy voice almost #yes it is low statistically for a woman but the texture did not androgenize in the slightest. either time #which means i'll never know if it's just gender shit or if any voice issued from my degenerate lungs could ever make me want to live #...short of surgery maybe

[the-tzimisce]

I had a dream that I went to a video rental store (???) and they had a gundam manga where everything was the same except the entire cast was cambrian creatures (?????)

[the-tzimisce]

meanwhile I will sit up here singing along to the same three songs on repeat and she hasn't said a word, despite that having to hear even my speaking voice could probably be construed as a form of battery, let alone the action that I allege to be "singing." grace undeserved

when the downstairs neighbor apologizes for luciano meowing in the hallway she doesn't realize that i sit in my house opening videos of citties just to hear the meows

[the-tzimisce]

it's not that the stray vestiges of mid-twenties me (crippling emetophobia) aren't locked away in here somewhere. it's that he knows I'll kill him without another thought if he tries anything

however food safety is real, it's perfectly legal to be distressed by bits of raw chicken hurtling around your kitchen at speed, in fact if you're ok with that you aren't allowed in my kitchen

Hellofresh chicken package opening experience so distressing I kept mistaking my pink little hands for stray chicken bits out of the corner of my eye for the entire rest of cooking

#the single most successful thing i have ever done in my life honestly (oppressing that conrad) #god i really need to do something worthwhile i cannot die with my only real success being 'mental health' -ass bullshit

[the-tzimisce]

Hellofresh chicken package opening experience so distressing I kept mistaking my pink little hands for stray chicken bits out of the corner of my eye for the entire rest of cooking

[the-tzimisce]

what we really need to drill down on here is whether or not an octopus is intelligent enough to consent to a sexual encounter

and if not how can we change that

[the-tzimisce]

I keep running into them outside now that it's warm because apparently Luciano isn't big into actually going places on a leash, he just wants to go outside and scream at new surroundings. Understandable honestly. apart from the reflexive panic that my every move and breath is offensive or intrusive that sets in whenever I encounter another human being it's a joy to see them

when the downstairs neighbor apologizes for luciano meowing in the hallway she doesn't realize that i sit in my house opening videos of citties just to hear the meows